


Acrophilia

by BelWatson



Category: GOT7, JJ Project
Genre: Car Accidents, Coping, Depression, Dysfunctional Relationships, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Eventual Happy Ending, Falling In Love, Fluff and Angst, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Mutual Pining, Possible Loss of Parent, Slow Burn, Soulmates, Suicidal Thoughts, fated love, heights, life and death, supportive friends
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-05
Updated: 2018-09-27
Packaged: 2019-01-09 12:17:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 41
Words: 84,349
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12276306
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BelWatson/pseuds/BelWatson
Summary: acrophilia. noun. (uncountable) a love of heights.“What would you do if one day I just disappear?”“Miss you.”“Are you planning on making me want to live?”“Yes.”or…Jaebeom meets a strange boy who seems to dance at the brisk of death and makes him see life from another perspective.





	1. night view

**Author's Note:**

> So… this story might sound sad, or depressive, or triggering… it might be, I don't really know how to measure that 'cos I don't get triggered, like ever? But I put all those tags because they are themes in the story. Still, I think it's cute and I love it, it doesn't make me sad at all while writing it.
> 
> Anyhow, at first I was just going to write this for myself 'cos I had been fantasising with death a lot (those are happy thoughts for me, okay? Don't judge me) so I came with this character that was for me… then realise Jinyoung would play it perfectly and all my JJP feels exploded so I just had to. As I took this more seriously than other fics I decided I would post it once I had reached at least 15 chapters in advance, which I did…
> 
> All in all, it's a love story, I guess, and I tried to portray better the setting by using my time living in Korea, trying to make it as accurate as possible.
> 
> Anyhow, if you do give this story a chance, thank you. If not, that's okay, I enjoy this enormously and I just hope someone else will do the same.

 

불안한 마음으로, 난 또 다음 선택 앞에…

( _With an unstable state of mind, I’m confronting the next decision…_ )

— JJ Project, 내일, 오늘

 

 

✻ ✻ ✻

       Traditional Korean music plays softly in the room, the vibrato of the vocalist’s voice carries deep sorrow and longing for a lost love, making Jaebeom’s hair stand at the high notes mixed with the voice and the lyrics. It’s not music he’d listen on his daily life, definitely not a song that he’d stream and listen to for his own pleasure, although he does reckons it is a great song, just not his cup of tea. The song, just as the previous one and the one before that, are all solely for his mother in a desperate attempt to reach her and make her come back to them.

It’s been one week since a fatal and gruesome accident in which Jaebeom’s mother was nothing but that person in the wrong place at the wrong time. She was driving back from visiting her own parents’ grave, late at night as the tomb was in Jinhae, her hometown and Jaebeom’s too. It was a long drive, almost four hours, and she had insisted to go alone and drive all the way there and back in one day.

She had made it back to Seoul, around midnight, almost home; she was just waiting for the light to turn green at an intersection. Perpendicular to her road, a boy in a bike came out of nowhere when an oncoming truck seemed to be in a rush before the lights changed.

Jaebeom clenches his fists and closes his eyes as he remembers the accident, having seen it already so many times on different screens as it was all captured by the CCTV. In the footage, Jaebeom sees the truck driver desperately trying to avoid the young boy in his way, without fully succeeding. The risky move made the driver lose control and head directly to Jaebeom’s mother, impacting her car, sending it flying over with his mother inside.

The truck driver survived, watching in horror how Jaebeom’s mother’s car lied upside-down, smoke coming out of it already as if calling for an explosion; just a bit behind, in the intersection, lied the young boy with his limbs twisted with the bike, blood already pooling under his body. 

It was the driver who called for the police and ambulance, turning himself in. Jaebeom’s mother ended up with multiple fractures, intern bleeding, brain damage and ultimately in a coma. Jaebeom has no idea what happened to the young boy, too worried with his own tragedy. 

When the truck driver came to apologise, Jaebeom lost his temper and almost attacked the man, even if the police declared it had been an accident out of his control, Jaebeom still blamed him for his mother’s state. He will always blame the driver.

One week later, Jaebeom’s mother lies unconscious without any sign of getting better no matter how much he calls for her, how much he begs her to wake up and not leave him alone. He still has his father but he’s so dedicated to his work that it’s as if Jaebeom only had his mother.

And now he might lose her.

“ _Eomma,”_ calls Jaebeom, clutching his mother’s hand so tightly but there’s no reaction. “I know you’re healing, so don’t give up. If you need more time it’s okay, just make sure to wake up, okay?”

The doctors encourage him to talk to his mother a lot; whether it is for his own mental wellbeing or for his mother’s, Jaebeom has no idea but he’s doing it.

It’s been a week of hell, with the accident, almost losing his mother in surgery and then to be told she was in coma and even if she woke up she’d never be the same and would have severe sequels to deal with. Jaebeom has spent every day at the hospital with his mother, skipping his last classes in university this semester because honestly, he has no space in his mind to care about anything else buy his mother.

Jaebeom never hated hospitals before, but now he does. The sterile colours, the anaesthetic scent everywhere, the depressive weight on the shoulders of all patients, the pitiful smiles on the nurses’s faces, the exhausted and almost dead look in the eyes of the doctors, and the suffering. But Jaebeom hates that his mother is in the hospital when she should be well and happy and at home.

It’s draining him, being in that room, talking constantly to someone that doesn’t reply when he isn’t a very talkative person to begin with. Every time he goes out of the room he only feels more depressed, seeing that everyone around is suffering more or just as much as him.

As the young man clings to his mother’s hand, he wishes his father would come and take some of the weight off of his shoulders, or would even comfort him. He only showed the first day, putting on Jaebeom’s all the responsibility to look after his mother. Even his friends have come more to see Jaebeom and his mother.

He’s so tired.

Allowing himself to be selfish or just not able to control himself anymore, Jaebeom kisses his mother’s forehead as he whispers, “I’ll be back soon, I just need a break.”

That’s the first time he actually leaves the hospital since the accident.

Jaebeom isn’t going home because if he does and doesn’t find his father there, when it’s way past midnight, then he’s going to burn the place. And if he finds his father there, then he will just fight with him and Jaebeom doesn’t have the energy or the heart to do it.

So he walks.

Walks and walks and walks. Aimlessly, alone with his thoughts, fears and worries. He walks and walks and walks. Seoul’s night is a light buzz in his ears, still bright and moving but evidently a lot quieter than during the day, glowing with all the lights and high buildings desperate to touch a starless sky. If Jaebeom focuses he might spot one or two very weak starts that might not even be stars but something else.

Needing an open space, Jaebeom subconsciously is lead to the Hangan, walking one of the bridges, he doesn't know which one, he is just walking. Some cars still pass by so fast, fearless of speed limit or tickets, thinking the silence of the night will protect them. Such fools, don’t they know the night does not only watch but also gives all their secrets away to the day when it comes?

Jaebeom looks away from the racing cars and their drivers before he wishes them ill. He holds such a deep resentment for all the reckless drivers that are a tragedy in four wheels waiting to happen. Instead, Jaebeom focuses on the river bellow, the calm and dark waters that seem like they could swallow all of Seoul like a hungry monster that can never be satisfied. It’s vast and it seems endless, from right to left, west to east it just goes and goes, steady and quiet, whispering all the things it’s seen on its way to the even vaster sea.

Exhausted as he is, Jaebeom leans on the rail and just closes his eyes, letting the wind always stronger on the bridge, pull his hair in all direction and provide the caresses to his face he misses so much from his mother. The wind is strong and cold, but it makes Jaebeom feel alive and reanimated. He’s felt numb since the doctors told him his mother’s current state, now he feels cold but actually aware of every part of him.

When Jaebeom opens his eyes again, he pays attention down the bridge to the almost nonexistent people by the riverside, walking back home or maybe running away, like him, trying to find solace and calm within a bigger entity that wraps you in humility and wonder. Then he just focuses on the water, pitch black and barely moving, so stable and soothing. Taking a deep breath, Jaebeom feels a lot better and marvels at how healing the river is.

Jaebeom pulls back, his hands still on the rail as he leans his body back, rocking from side to side just a bit. From the corner of his eye he spots something… someone else, so he turns his head to watch better. 

Indeed there’s another person on the bridge, but contrary to Jaebeom, this persons isn’t _holding_ the rail, the person is _sitting_ on the rail, head tilted upwards, eyes closed, arms spread wide and welcoming, legs kicking softly at the other side of the rail.

His hands clench the rail tighter, his heart rate picking up as he holds his breath and his eyes widen, just watching the person, that young man so casually sitting at the edge of death. The young man can’t be older than Jaebeom, slim, dressed completely in black, like his hair, a strike contrast with his extremely pale skin like someone who has never seen the sun.

The young man takes a deep breathe, his whole body tilting forward and Jaebeom gapes. His own body is moving before he realises what he’s doing, bolting forward and towards the young man, running desperately. His arms stretch out, reaching out for the young man, grabbing the back of his cardigan and pulling him back with all his strength. The young man tips backwards and now that Jaebeom is actually behind, he wraps his other arm around the slim frame and ends pulling him off the rail and back to safe ground, falling with him on the hard asphalt, his body buffering the fall for the other man.

For a heartbeat, Jaebeom only breathes deeply, his arms still wrapped around the other man, eyes closed trying not to think of what would’ve happened had he not stopped the other man. 

The silence that wraps them like a protective bubble bursts out when the other man realises what just happened and snaps, wriggling out of Jaebeom’s hold and _pushing_ hard.

“YAH!” He screams, his voice deep and threatening, making Jaebeom immediately look at him with the command that that single word carries. “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!”

“What is wrong with _you_?!” Jaebeom snaps, sitting upright to glare back at the young man.

Up close he can see his face, the romantic features that make him _so_ handsome, with dark eyes that look impossibly black in the middle of the night, two pools that pull him almost irresistibly, like a dark spell. His lips are thick but are pressed in an angry line. His cheeks high and elegant, almost regal. His jaw is sharp and it shows a muscle pulsing there. His ear are prominent but without looking too big for his face, they are just right.

“You were about to jump! I saved you. Is this how you thank someone for saving your life? Some people are desperately clinging to life and here you are, throwing away yours! How dare you?”

“ _What_?” The young boy blurts out, his voice dripping incredulity. “I was not trying to jump or kill myself! Do you think everyone who leans on the rail is suicidal?” He continues his rant, his expression showing more and more rage. “And trying to kill myself by jumping in the river? Are you stupid? Who actually does that? I know how to swim and the fall, superficial tension considered and all, wouldn’t knock me out. The worst I’d get from jumping is some bruises, maybe a broken rib and a cold because like hell I’d let myself die of hypothermia. Hell no, there are faster and warmer ways of dying, thank you very much.”

Jaebeom is confused, oh so confused that he isn’t shocked, or scared, or startled anymore, he’s just _confused_ with the man in front of him.

“For your information, some people actually _enjoy_ heights and are not suicidal. I was just appreciating the view, enjoying the wind. I was actually enjoying life until _you_ ruined the moment,” the spits, carrying so much resentment that Jaebeom actually feels sorry.

“I… I’m sorry. You just… looked like you wanted to jump.”

“You should’ve thought better before ruining my perfect moment and throwing me to the ground, which by the way, hurts like hell. Ass.”

Jaebeom blinks, staring incredulous at the young man in front of him, who now checks himself in search of any injury. After finding none, he stands up, dusting his clothes and looking down at Jaebeom. Surprisingly, he offers him a hand and Jaebeom takes it.

“I’m sorry,” he states again. “Normally you don’t stop to think if a person is going to jump or not, you just go and try to save them. A lot of people try to kill themselves here, you know?”

“Not all people,” the young man points out, turning once again to the river but this time leaning on the rail. “Why would someone want to kill oneself when they are presented with this view? It’s so big and majestic and just so… breathtaking.”

Jaebeom turns to look at the same landscape and he has to agree. In the middle of the night or at sunset or sunrise, the view is always too awe inspiring to even think of anything else. The people that actually jump probably don’t see past the rail or the water bellow, they don’t see the perfect picture in front of them.

“It’s truly wonderful,” Jaebeom comments, getting lost watching the river run in the middle of the night, powerful, large and endless.

When he turns to look at the young man, he’s gone, vanished like a dream. His eyes scan his surroundings, confused and mildly freaked out, but the young man is nowhere to be seen. Scared, Jaebeom turns to look down, but there’s no sign of anyone diving in.

With a hand on the rail, Jaebeom looks around one more time, wondering where the young man left and how long did he get lost watching the river for the other man to disappear. It must’ve been a long while.

What an odd encounter.


	2. sunset

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> GOT7 came back, I love the album, I love them so much and I wish I could give them the world, but I only have my heart for them.
> 
> CHEESY!
> 
> Anyhow, new chapter 'cos I can. I hope you enjoy it :) leave a comment with your thoughts or any corrections. English is my second language so I take really well any correction to fix my errors. Thank you in advance.

Two months go by after that incident with the young man at the bridge and Jaebeom doesn’t think much about it nor remembers the boy, although at time the handsome face crosses his thoughts ephemerally, but that’s as much as there’s to it.

Jaebeom’s mother doesn’t improve, but she doesn’t get worse which is something and makes him grateful. Every day he reminds himself _she’s hanging in there_ , and he can push forward another day, as hard as that might be. He doesn’t spend all his time in the hospital anymore, not because the nagging of everyone had any effect, but because what his best friend Jackson told him one day:

“ _Would you mother be proud of you if you were here_ all _day?_ ”

No, she wouldn’t and Jaebeom knew it, once classes started again in September, he started attending and spending the rest of his day at the hospital with his mother, telling her what happened in his day and the contents they were covering, even his assignments. More often, though, Jaebeom reads to his mother any of the books he’s currently interested in. Some are fiction, some are essays; it doesn’t really matter, it’s like they are reading it together and that’s all that counts.

Jaebeom’s father is as absent as he was at the beginning. His biggest involvement was to settle with the truck driver, making Jaebeom furious because he wanted a trial, he needed that justice. That satisfaction was taken from him before he could even properly think about it or get his hands on it. The case was closed, fixed, and Jaebeom’s mother was still in coma.

Jaebeom is starting to _really_ resent his father for his absence and lack of support. He’s only twenty-four, he shouldn’t be dealing with this much pressure or responsibility, being the only one taking care of his mother. The burden should be shared, but his father has washed his hands and Jaebeom is completely alone.

Today, his mother’s doctor comes to check on her in one of his rounds and the doctor’s expression is so blank when she checks the file and his mother’s condition. She checks for any sort of reflexes and Jaebeom has seen the routine so many times he even performs it sometimes. Pressing his nail on her thumb, checking her pupils for dilatation, but nothing. Every day, there’s nothing. Jaebeom feels his chest tightening with apprehension when he sees the doctor almost imperceptibly shaking her head, sighing as if she’s given up already.

“There’s still no physical response and her brain activity doesn’t show any change, she just keeps stable,” says the doctor with a sigh, hands in her coat pockets as she meets Jaebeom’s eyes. “It’s been almost nine weeks and she has not improved in the slightest. You should start considering accepting the possibility she might not wake up. As time passes by, the chances become slimmer and slimmer.”

Jaebeom clenches his fists so tight at his sides he feels his nails burying in the flesh of his palms because he _knows,_ all of that he knows, but he doesn’t need to be reminded that his mother is practically brain dead and they are just forcing her to stay ‘alive’ with machines, and that she most likely won’t wake up. Jaebeom really doesn’t need that. He needs people telling him to stay strong and that it’s great his mother hasn’t gotten worse despite time, that she’s stable and hanging on.

Just a bit of hope and support, that’s all he needs for crying out loud.

“I know it’s hard, but that’s the truth. All that’s left is waiting and praying for a miracle, if you’re a believer.”

Jaebeom isn’t, but he’s praying, with all his heart, he’s praying for his mother.

“I’ll see you around, Jaebeom-ssi.”

The doctor leaves, once again, Jaebeom not uttering a single word, swallowing all of his complaints and worries, all his hurt. He doesn’t feel understood or supported by the doctor, but he respects her because all in all, she saved his mother from dying in the OR, even if she ended in a coma.

Feeling drained and tired, robbed of hopes and comfort, Jaebeom decides to step out for a while for some fresh air. This time he doesn’t want to go too far and looks for another place. Oddly, he remembers the young man from the river and how he claimed to just love heights. He remembers how the view from the high bridge helped him to calm down and gave him back some of the warmth he needed, even in the bitting cold of that night.

Jaebeom has never been a fan of heights, he isn’t scared of them either, but he respects them and stays at a safe distance most of the time. Today, he goes to the highest floor of the hospital and then takes the stairs that lead him to the rooftop. He knows it’s an empty and open place where the helicopters land when they bring urgent patients, but most of the time it’s empty as it doesn’t offer much.

At the top of the thirteen storey building, the wind is cold and strong, so Jaebum pulls his hoodie up, protecting himself just a little bit. His hands he shoves them inside the front pocket and he just steps out, taking a deep breath. It feels different at that height, like there’s too much and it comes all at once in his lungs. It’s invigorating somehow.

From the rooftop Jaebeom sees so many other buildings, higher or lower, in all shapes and colours, reflecting so many different things and becoming unique entities that marvel his eyes. He’s suddenly struck with the need to capture it somehow, the view of all those buildings reaching out to the sky, rising high and higher to touch the clouds that at that time of the evening are of a pinkish orange caramel that is slowly being painted with purple, brushing the colour here and there in a mixture that’s both magical and brilliant. 

Sunsets are wonderful.

Without his own camera, Jaebeom only has his mobile phone. Maybe he’s a romantic or an odd ball, but he prefers his film camera over any digital one, loving that old vintage effect that comes so naturally. He loves that _one_ chance to capture the picture perfect without knowing how it turned until much later. 

Maybe he’s truly odd.

He aims, holding his mobile phone, trying to find the exact frame that marvels him them most, so he spins slowly on his heels looking for it, but then to the frame comes something completely different from buildings or birds flying through the vast sky.

A person. 

One young man standing on the edge of the building, legs pressed against the inner side of the rail, the wind blowing his short black hair in every direction and coming inside his jacket, making it flutter like a cape as he opens his arms welcoming it, calling for more and more winds.

For a second Jaebeom sees that other man as an alien creature, outside of his realm, calling for the wind like one calls for one’s pet, smiling at the affectionate caresses and obedience. The young man looks like someone in control of the wind, a magical creature and Jaebeom doesn’t even realise how he just snaps the picture of the boy standing on the edge, against the sunset, framed by all the different buildings and billboard sigs, all that city life that lives only in the heights of Seoul.

It’s truly breathtaking… until Jaebeom finally realises what’s happening and he panics.

That young man isn’t there to call for the wind and have it dancing around him in a magical way. Oh no, that person must be there for what people stand on the brim of anything, his arms spread not for a hug from the wind but welcoming death.

_Shit, what do I do?_ He thinks, because if he suddenly screams, he might startle him and cause him to die. Then it would be an accident, not suicide.

Jaebeom really doesn’t need that in his life right now.

_Am I drawn to suicidal people or what?_ He wonders at the same time, impressed it’s his second time coming across someone about to jump or just standing in a very dangerous place.

Sighing, he shoves his phone in his pocket and carefully approaches the young man, making sure not to make any sound that could startle him yet being as quick as possible. Once he’s behind the young man, Jaebeom just reaches out, one hand grabbing the jacket that flutters like a cape, the other hand grabs his stripped shirt that comes down to his thighs, perfect for a firm grip.

Jaebeom pulls, firmly, quickly.

The young boy falls back with a scream and Jaebeom releases the clothes just to open his arms and receive the body. The impact knocks the air out of his lungs and makes him almost lose his balance. But his feet are firmly on the ground and he’s got the young boy.

“Not this again!” The young boy groans, wriggling in Jaebeom’s arms.

Jaebeom releases the other man who immediately steps away, spinning around just to glare at his saviour with so much rage. But Jaebeom is so surprised when he sees the boy’s face and recognises the same handsome face from the bridge two months ago.

“You again?” Both ask in unison, Jaebeom shocked while the young boy just looks annoyed.

“What’s your problem.” The other retorts, breaking the eye contact just to roll his eyes. “Do you have as a hobby pulling people from their happy place?”

“Are you telling me you weren’t trying to jump, _again?_ ”

“Of course I wasn’t,” the boy replies, fists on his hips in such a condescending pose. “I was just enjoying the view and contemplating the option to jump, but then considering my luck I most likely would survive and end up paraplegic or something.”

Jaebeom blinks, slightly confused because was he thinking of jumping or not?

“No one survives a thirteen storey jump. You wouldn’t end up paraplegic, your brain would paint the streets,” Jaebum points out but the boy raises his eyebrows and gives him a look that makes him doubt even his name.

“You never know what might suddenly show up or cross my path while falling. There are plenty of other more successful and faster ways to kill myself, _if_ I wanted to do it _today,_ which I don’t.” The boy folds his arms over his chest and Jaebeom just can’t believe it, he just can’t believe there’s such a person in front of him.

“I’m confused,” Jaebeom mutters, pinching the bridge of his nose. “Are you or are you not suicidal? You speak about it as if it was a possibility at some point.”

There’s a spark of amusement in the eyes of the other boys that only confuses him further.

“The doctors say I have suicide tendencies, so I guess you can say I’m _mildly_ suicidal, but I prefer the term ‘deeply fascinated by death.’” The young man’s smile is wide and gleeful, his eyes crinkling as they shape like crescent moons. Adorable, but also highly confusing.

“Why are you even at the hospital? Did you ran away from the psychiatric ward?” Jaebeom asks, not controlling his rudeness because he’s just deeply confused with the person in front of him.

“Not this time,” answers the young man. “I got properly discharged a long time ago because there’s no depression or anything particularly wrong. _Noona_ says I’m just odd.” Jaebeom watches him shrug as if it were nothing, his tone so light and casual as if he wasn’t talking about his mental health and his ‘fascination’ with death.

“Your sister is right,” Jaebeom declares because the person in front of him isn’t normal. “And you should stop hanging from rails or standing at the edge of a high building because, you know, it scares other people!”

“Why though?” The young man retorts, his smile not so innocent but more cunning now, there’s a glint in his eyes that makes Jaebum feel a shiver down his spine. “Why would you care what a stranger does?”

“You think because I don’t know the person I would just let them kill themselves?!” Jaebeom snaps angrily, offended that man is speaking about life and death as if it was nothing. “Life is precious for everyone.”

“Some people don’t think the same. Some people _really_ want to die, and by stopping them you’re not saving them, you’re sentencing them to keep suffering. Aren’t you a cruel person for doing that? Deeming their decision wrong because you think differently?” Jaebeom is speechless, never had anyone refuted one of his arguments, making him doubt himself with just one look. “They bravely make their decision, you shouldn’t take that right from them.”

Jaebeom has to actually shake his head to clear his mind a bit because the more he looks at the young man in his eyes, the more confused he feels.

“I guess that means if I ever see you about to jump again I shouldn’t stop you,” Jaebeom mutters, deciding not to argue with someone who is suicidal and thinks of it as something worth defending. It won’t take him anywhere.

“Precisely,” the man smiles delighted with Jaebeom for giving up this fight. “And you should try to stop acting like a knight in shiny armour. No one needs one on this day and age.”

“Whatever,” Jaebeom rolls his eyes, tired with the exchange and ready to go back to his mother. He’s also getting some painkiller for the headache he feels brewing. 

Jaebeom turns around, more tired than he felt before, and walks away from the young man and the precipice bellow that would kill anyone, screw what the other man says.

“Yah, knight in shiny armour,” calls the crazy man and Jaebeom stops against his better judgment. “What’s your name?”

He turns to look at the other man over his shoulder, confused as to why that information is relevant when he’s not even trying to save him ever again. 

Yet still, he replies. “Im Jaebeom.”

The young man smiles again, eyes in crescents and whiskers by the corners.

“I’m Park Jinyoung,” the other says but Jaebeom only stares blankly.

“I didn’t ask,” he states although his mind is already associating the handsome face with the name, trying it over and over again.

Park Jinyoung’s smile grows wider and he waves at Jaebeom happily, like sending him off. He just shakes his head and turns around again, this time determined he won’t stop no matter what Jinyoung says. 

He succeeds, only because Jinyoung doesn’t say anything else.


	3. friends

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't have much to say, I just hope the ones reading enjoy this chapter. The rest of GOT7 will slowly start making their appearances.

Jaebeom goes back to his mother’s room feeling exhausted and trying not to think of Jinyoung at the rooftop, definitely not imagining him standing at the edge again, the tip of his shoes against nothing but the thin air as he opens his eyes again, this time his body eerily tilting forward, and then suddenly—

No, Jaebeom doesn’t think about a boy he doesn’t really know killing himself. What he wants to hear the least is more death or anything gloomy like that. He needs positive energy and people, not weird ones fascinated with death.

Seriously though? What kind of persons is _fascinated_ with death? Death is an unknown and scary thing, something that takes your loved ones and leaves you to wither without them. Death is a horrid thing, not something to admire or even seek.

Evidently, Jaebeom will never understand people like Park Jinyoung, if there are others like him.

Pushing everything related with Jinyoung to the farthest corner of his mind, Jaebeom slides the door to his mother’s room and steps inside, wearing a smile that doesn’t really make a difference except for himself. 

“ _Eomma,_ I’m back,” he calls cheerfully. “You won’t believe me what happened to me. Again!” He starts, walking up to the chair by her bed where he always sit to make her company. “I went to the rooftop and there was this guy there and I swear he looked like he was going to jump but actually he wasn’t and he got angry at me for trying to save him because, apparently, he was just appreciating the view. And it’s the second time I meet him in a disturbingly similar situation. Are there people who truly love heights?”

Jaebeom isn’t the chatty type, neither is he the quiet type, those are his friends Jackson and Mark, respectively. Jaebeom is the type that speaks sufficiently, he isn’t the funny or amicable type, but he’s eloquent and likes having deep conversations, he feels really uncomfortable with small talk and prefers not talking at all with strangers if there isn’t anyone to work as buffer in those situations. Talking so much to this mother, about everything and nothing is one of the most exhausting things to do for him because he just doesn't have much to tell, that’s why reading works so well for him.

“He’s a really weird lad and very reckless. People like him get in or cause accidents,” Jaebeom continues, shaking his head. “I hope I don’t run into him ever again. Just talking to him gave me headache.”

“Did I hear right? Are you making new friends while totally ignoring us?” Someone else asks, loud and outraged as the door slides open dramatically.

Jaebeom jumps on his seat, hand flying to his chest in shock while at the door someone he knows too well stands, glaring at him.

“Jackson, God, you startled me,” he accuses, relaxing and taking a deep breath.

“Don’t avoid the question, hyung. You said you don’t have time to come and see us but you are hanging out with other headache-inducing people? I thought that honour was reserved for me.”

From behind Jackson, Jaebeom’s best friend for the last ten years, comes another man, laughing happily and brightly at Jackson’s offended reaction.

“Don’t make him feel like you’re replacing him, Jaebeom-ah,” Mark, their sunbae in university warns him as he pokes his head over Jackson’s shoulder. “Hi there.”

“Hi, hyung,” Jaebeom smiles waving joyful to see them visiting.

“You’re still not answering!” Jackson insists, causing Mark to laugh some more before just pushing  him to walk inside the room. He’s carrying flowers for Jaebeom’s mother that the son receives to put in somewhere.

“I just ran into someone crazy, I didn’t make friends,” Jaebeom finally replies. “And don’t worry, you’ll always be my worst headache.”

“But also your medicine!” Jackson adds over-sweetly, his expression changing completely to one of exaggerated affection and charms he doesn’t really have.

“Just my headache,” his tone is deadpan and his eyes serious, so Jackson literally pouts like a kicked puppy.

Jackson is a bright and overly excited boy he met in middle school and that clung to Jaebeom after  transferring from Hong Kong due to their parents’ new position. His father works for the same company Jaebeom’s father does, so they’ve lived relatively close since they were barely teenagers. 

While Jaebeom was the grumpy teen with an attitude problem always looking for a fight, Jackson overcame his cultural shock and showed his extremely social personality, making friends with _everyone_ , but always claiming Jaebeom was his one and only _best_ friend. Somehow, he also managed to do his magic to become dear to Jaebeom until he reciprocated the feeling and that was how he got stuck with Jackson forever. 

Mark came into the picture much later, when they met in university. While Jaebeom went for photography, Jackson decided he would follow his father and study business. They took one class together that was supposed to be an A plus for certain, without effort or anything whatsoever about media communication, and there they met Mark. A year older than them and Jackson’s complete opposite. But just as most people, he fell under Jackson’s charms faster than anyone, laughing so bright and happy that he seemed to glow. Even if they were in different majors, they kept hanging out for the rest of their years. Now Mark is graduated from communications and is an intern for MBC while Jackson and Jaebeom struggle to graduate this year.

They are Jaebeom’s dearest friends and they are a very welcome sight any moment, especially today.

“How’s your mother doing?” Mark asks, his voice concerned and sympathetic. 

“Like always, hanging in there.” Jaebeom shrugs, his shoulders rounding in defeat. “The doctors aren’t hopeful that she’ll wake up.”

“Bullshit,” Jackson exclaims and immediately covers his mouth, bowing to Jaebeom’s mother. “I’m sorry, _Eomeoni._ ” He turns to look at Jaebeom, careful of his speech now. “She’ll wake up and I’m sure she won’t even have that many complications. She’ll wake up like her usual self and everything will go back to normal. You’ll see,” Jackson promises as if it was something that was actually in his hands.

Jaebeom smiles gratefully because even when he knows it won’t be exactly like that because there’s no way things will be the way they were before, he truly appreciates Jackson’s optimism and positive energy. That’s exactly what he needs when everything is so foggy for his family.

“Yeah,” Mark supports, moving Jaebeom even more. “I’m sure she’ll wake up, so don’t lose hope, okay?”

Jaebeom nods his head, thankful for his friends surprising him with their visit and giving him what he needed.

“Yeah, she’ll wake up. Hopefully, it’ll be soon,” wishes Jaebeom, looking at his mother resting so peacefully by his side. She looks beautiful, despite the tubes and cables she has connected to her body, but those are the things keeping her alive so it’s okay.

Jackson smiles encouragingly until it seems he remembers something and his expression changes completely, growing curious.

“So what’s this about the weird guy you met? Who is he? How did you meet? Why weird? How weird?” 

Jaebeom blinks at the many questions, not even remembering half of what Jackson asked.

“Uh… just a guy I thought was trying to kill himself when actually he wasn’t, he was just appreciating the view.”

“Ooohhh, did you try to save him like in films?” Jackson probes, getting more interested when Jaebeom doesn’t think the story deserves such reaction.

“Uhhh, I guess? I just pulled him back to safety but he yelled at me. And it’s not the first time, a month ago I also ran into him when he was sitting on the bridge rail.”

Jaebeom turns to watch Mark’s reaction because Jackson looks like someone watching a very exciting episode of a drama. The older look fairly surprised and slightly confused, like a normal person. That’s why Jaebeom declares time and time again that Mark is the only normal one of his friends.

“What a coincidence! Saving a person who didn’t want to be saved twice!” Jackson dramatises. “I mean, what are the odds?”

“I don’t know, but I hope the odds don’t make me deal with anyone like him again. I don’t need people with mild suicidal tendencies when I’m praying every day my eomma will wake up.”

“True. That’s kinda insensitive from his part,” Jackson muses and Jaebeom doesn’t know whether to laugh or snort.

“It’s not like he knows my situation or anything, Jackson,” he opts for laughing, just like Mark does.

“Anyhow, I hope you don’t run into him again because then you’d try to save him again and it would be another argument and if you save him a third time it would be too dramatic and we would have to consider you might be fated or something worthy of a drama, you know.”

“I wouldn’t try to save him again. I got it already, he doesn’t want to be stopped,” Jaebeom declares, not believing he’s speaking about it like it could actually happen.

“I don’t think so,” Mark comments, continuing Jackson’s argument. “If you saw him again in a situation similar, even if you recognised it was him and knew he didn’t want to be saved, you would still step forward. It’s not in you to turn your back on situations like that one.”

Jaebeom doesn’t answer, not wanting to think of getting involved in another situation like that again, but accepting Mark’s right. Just like today he hurried to save Jinyoung without even considering the option he wasn’t trying to jump, he’d do it again, maybe not even recognising if it were Jinyoung. That’s why for everyone’s sake it’s better if they don’t meet again, moreover he doesn’t want to deal with Jackson teasing him about a fated encounter and whatever stupidity he can come up with.

Seriously, Jackson should be studying to be a drama writer instead of a business major.

“I’m not gonna run into him again so it doesn’t matter and I’m gonna keep my distance from heights to avoid potential or not potential suicidal people,” Jaebeom declares, tired of the topic of conversation and wanting to talk about something else. “Anyhow, just tell me how did you decide to come visit us?”

“Because we missed you!” Jackson immediately bites the bait and starts talking slash nagging about missing Jaebeom because now he’s barely in uni, he’s here in the hospital all the time and even if that’s super kind of him and it shows what amazing son he is, it’s not good for him because he needs to breathe and relax a bit.

That leads them to talk about how if it’s not Jaebeom then it’s no one by his mother side so he doesn’t have another option, which is so sad, in Jackson’s words. Jaebeom shrugs, already having accepted the situation and just wanting for his mother to wake up more than for someone else to share the burden with. _That_ would be ideal. 

But that’s not something Jaebeom is gonna have anytime soon.


	4. relatives

“ _Hyung~”_ is what Jaebeom hears when he picks up the phone a few days later, a loud and powerful voice that makes one think of an opera singer, or in Jaebeom’s case, of his cousin Choi Youngjae.

“What’s up, Youngjae-ah,” Jaebeom asks, his smile naturally coming to his lips.

Youngjae is his cousin from his mother’s side of the family, a family that resides in Mokpo, so while growing up they didn’t meet much except for Chuseok and Summer Holidays when Youngjae, his sisters and their mother, Jaebeom’s aunt, came to visit. If Jaebeom is honest, Youngjae is his favourite relative and he treats him like a dotting mother _every time_. The younger never complains, if anything he seems to truly enjoy Jaebeom’s attention and affection, even when he’s acting embarrassingly proud. Youngjae is that kid that can only be described as sunshine, bright and happy, with the most innocent look that isn’t much different from what he is like. He’s pure and optimistic, kind and warm. He has the dorkiest and loudest laughter that makes anyone else in the room feel as joyous as he is. Youngjae is also a little chicken, constantly getting scared so when they were kids and his big sister scared him, it was Jaebeom the one who had to protect him and reassure him it was all stories his noona told.

Jaebeom is an only child, but Youngjae feels like that younger brother he always wanted.

“ _Did eomma call you already?”_ Jaebeom’s brow knits in confusion as he moves in his mother’s room, changing the water for the flowers Mark brought two days ago.

“No, she hasn’t since last week. Why do you ask?” The older cousin questions, holding the gadget between his shoulder and his ear while he makes sure the flowers are still beautiful and taken care of. He isn’t the gentlest guy out there, but he tries for his mother.

“ _Well, she called me and I was ranting how I barely see you when I also came to stay in Seoul to be closer to you.”_ Youngjae studied all his life in Mokpo, but after finally graduating, he came to Hongik university to study Music. “ _She started saying it was so unfair you were looking after_ imo _all alone without anyone else helping you out. She said also really bad things about_ samchon _that I’m not going to repeat because I still love him.”_

“It’s okay, though. You don’t need to worry. Eomma will wake up soon, and I’m doing fine,” Jaebeom says, smiling fondly even if his cousin can’t see it. He takes his seat by his mother’s side again, brushing her hair away from her brow and caressing her softly. 

“ _Still!”_ Youngjae exclaims, maybe too into this whole situation. “ _You’re in your last year and you need to focus on graduating. What about the internship? You need one to graduate, don’t you?_ ”

“It’s okay if I don’t graduate this year, Youngjae-ah. Eomma is far more important right now.”

“ _I know, hyung, but it’s not fair you’re carrying all the weight on your own. So eomma decided she’ll come to Seoul to help you out so you can also take care of your studies and get a break because imo will be in good hands. She said she can’t believe she let samchon persuade her to stay at home when she should’ve come to take care of her sister immediately.”_ Jaebeom doesn’t want to feel as touched as he does because it also feels like he’s imposing on others, but he cannot help it because he’s tired and it’s difficult, and a little help would be welcome, especially coming from his aunt. “ _Anyhow, I’m sure she’ll call to tell you all that but I was excited and called first.”_ Youngjae laughs sheepishly and Jaebeom can imagine him, scratching the back of his neck, looking so childish and innocent. “ _It won’t be good if you get sick for pushing yourself too much.”_

“Thank you, Youngjae-ah, for worrying so much,” Jaebeom replies, feeling a lump in his throat. 

Just thinking about his aunt looking after his mother as well makes him feel so much at ease. The two sisters are close and they love each other, so it might be even good for his mother to have her sister by her side.

“ _To be honest you started to look more like a zombie than a person and I worry I might not control my zombie-killing instincts next time I see you.”_ Jaebeom laughs loud and dramatic, all teeth showing and face distorting into something that Youngjae calls beautiful but everyone else says it resembles a dinosaur. “ _Normal logical worries of_ any _person, hyung.”_

Still laughing, Jaebeom replies, “You’re right, Youngjae-ah. Better just kill zombies in video games, right?”

“ _Totally.”_

Jaebeom truly loves his cousin, he always manages to make him smile honestly and feeling relieved no matter what’s going on in his life.

“When imo comes, let’s all go eat together,” the older proposes and he can hear the excited gasp from the other side.

“ _Brilliant! I’ll tell her, although when she calls you then you can tell her yourself but still.”_

“Definitely. Did you have dinner already?” He asks next, taking a look at the machines that keep track of his mother’s brain, heart and other organs activity. He watches them constantly and he’s actually learning what they mean and all that. Right now the numbers are around the usual parameters.

“ _Not yet. I’m at the library but once I finish here I was planning to go get something.”_

“Do you wanna get _udon_ with me tonight? My treat,” offers the older and it seems Youngjae jumps on his seat in the library because there’s a rustle similar to that at the other end of the call and the apologies to someone else.

“ _Sure! I’ll be finished in like half hour. Do we go to the Japanese restaurant in Hongdae?”_ Jaebeom only hums his agreement. “ _Okay, then I’ll get to work and I’ll see you later, hyung.”_

They hang up and Jaebeom turns all of his attention to his mother.

“Eomma _,_ Youngjae-ah just told me imo will come to look after you. Aren’t you excited? You won’t be so alone and you won’t get angry at me for neglecting my studies.” Obviously, no answer comes out from his mother, no reaction whatsoever. “I’ll be heading out to dine with Youngjae-ah, but I need to change and shower and all those things so I’ll sleep at home today, but I promise I’ll drop before classes tomorrow. I don’t know when imo will come, but don’t feel lonely, okay?”

Jaebeom rises to his feet to press a kiss on his mother’s forehead as farewell and gathers his belongings before heading out. Late September and the temperatures have dropped a lot already so it isn’t as unbearable to head out where there’s no AC. The humidity levels aren’t that terrible but the shower rain storms are quite annoying, still.

With his umbrella in his backpack, Jaebeom heads out, greeting the nurses that already know him so well, wishing them a good night and accepting their good wishes. From the hospital it’s like a thirty minutes ride to Hongdae so he’ll be by the popular street right in time to meet Youngjae. He uses the time to nap a bit although he should use it to study, but he’s too tired for that. His phone rings when he’s in Idae station, awakening him just two stations from his stop. He picks up and talks with Youngjae’s mother until he reaches his stop, listening to the same thing his cousin already shared. He obviously expresses his gratitude and makes the offer to have dinner all together, he even tells her how he’s on his way to meet Youngjae for some udon.

They hang up when he’s walking out of the metro station, bearing with all the people walking up the stairs of exit nine. He takes the principal street where all the performers are, getting distracted with some that are covering up different k-pop songs that sound from the speakers of every group and every other store as he walks by. Hongdae is a cacophony of so many different songs, so many voices and people from all around the globe shopping or dining out.

Jaebeom waits down the street from Hongik University’s entrance, near the tourist information centre, knowing his cousin will show up soon. He distracts himself watching a singer that doesn’t have the best vocals and who is kind of butchering the song, but he’s handsome and a lot of people are watching him, plus, he is so into it that one gets dragged. Actually, he gets so into the performance that Youngjae surprises him, tapping his shoulder.

“Hyung, why are you watching so intently someone who can’t hit the right note eighty percent of the song?” 

If someone has the right to criticise any of the performers on this street, that’s Youngjae as a music major.

“I didn’t have anything else to do and the humidity numbs my judgment,” Jaebeom replies, smiling as a greeting and focusing solely on his cousin. Although, right in the moment, the song the street performer is singing has _the_ high note that he completely misses, making not only Jaebeom cringe but everyone else.

“Ouch,” the two cousins say in unison, deciding then that it’s better to leave before the boy decides to murder another song.

The restaurant is quite close, just a few metres and once in there, they are greeted by the employees as they grab their trays and ask for what they want. Youngjae grabs other snacks for himself and then Jaebeom is paying while his cousin gets water and the side dishes for them, Jaebeom looks for an empty table and they head there together.

“How’s imo doing?” The younger asks as they start eating their noodles. “Any progress?”

“No,” answers the older. “She’s just the same and the doctor seems to be less and less hopeful every day, which is making me really angry at her.”

“That’s terrible. Why hasn’t samchon asked for a different doctor? One that’s a bit more supportive?”

“Because the doctor is good, and she’s the one who performed the surgery and all that. And also because abeoji doesn’t really care. He hasn’t visited in two weeks,” Jaebeom shares and watches how Youngjae’s expression changes to a disapproving one, evidently upset.

“I’m sure when eomma comes she’ll yell at that lady doctor for her lack of sympathy. Just leave it in the hands of an ahjumma to scold someone,” Youngjae laughs because his mother _hates_ being called an ‘ahjumma’ and if she heard his son she would probably pull his ear.

“Don’t let her hear your calling her that,” Jaebeom warns, but he’s also chuckling. 

They continue their dinner with casual conversation, Youngjae making most of the talk and Jaebeom listens with fondness in his eyes and honest interest. His cousin chats about how the second term is going so far and that he’s already covered in assignments when it hasn’t even been a month since classes started again and why is uni so hard? High school was supposed to be the worst, he feels lied to and wants to complain to someone, he just doesn’t know to whom yet.

It’s past nine when they finish and part ways. Jaebeom heads to Seocho while Youngjae lives near campus in the university dorms because he wanted the experience, but next year he’s thinking of renting a flat because he’s done with roommates (some of the many things he told Jaebeom during their dinner).

Jaebeom takes the subway because he’s just so used and he prefers it over the bus, moreover he wants to stay away of all vehicles on the streets if he can. He doesn’t get a seat so he just grabs a handler and plays with his phone, listening to music until he has to commute to change lines and then getting out in his station. It’s near ten PM by the time he’s walking to their apartment complex and as soon as he steps outside the station he has to take out his umbrella because it’s raining. It’s just three blocks from the station to his home so it isn’t that terrible.

When he’s approaching the intersection from the main street, he notices the many people already gathering, mostly workers after staying late, high school students coming from their academy lessons and other random people. The usual, everyone with their umbrellas waiting for the green light as the cars pass by. Jaebeom’s eyes, however, fix on someone without an umbrella, getting soaked wet while staring at his mobile phone, the rain not a worry for him. The young man is dressed casually, with a dress pant, white t-shirt inside and a denim jacket, so probably he’s just mid twenties or early twenties. He’s at the front of the line, the first to start crossing.

There’s something familiar about him, Jaebeom notices as he approaches some more, getting closer to him trying to recognise him. There’s still a few more minutes until the light changes (why are they always so endless? It’s most tiresome) but the young boy looks ready to cross.

The cars pass by so quickly, almost desperate and there’s the sound of a sport car engine coming from the right, sounding like it’s breaking all the speed limit laws. The young boy probably doesn’t hear, listening to music, because he steps forward right when the yellow sport car is coming. 

Jaebeom gasps and drops his umbrella as he bolts forward, his arms reaching out for the young boy, grabbing him from the jacket and yanking him backwards right before the car runs him over.

“Be careful!” Jaebeom screams, his own heart beating wildly at the almost accident. He’s more sensitive about car accidents after his mother’s, so he feels his legs shaking and his whole body cold, which has nothing to do with the rain soaking him.

The people around that, typically, didn’t do anything but now stare at him as if he went crazy and immediately cross when the light, finally, turns green, the beeping for blind people making echo around.

The young man turns, all his black hair stuck to his forehead, drops sliding down his pale skin. His dark eyes widen when they lock gazes and Jaebeom gasps.

“I thought you said you wouldn’t save me again,” the young boy grins and Jaebeom curses, clenching even tighter the jacket he hasn’t let go.

_Fuck, Jackson is gonna tease me forever about being fated to save Park Jinyoung._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have no idea if Hongik university has all the majors I've mentioned, but it was the uni that was closer to me and the neighbourhood I lived in so that's why I chose it. I'm sorry for inaccuracies.


	5. shower rain

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been crazy busy for me! I'm sorry, really. I moved to Canada and I've used days to settle in and get familiar with my surroundings and everything else. I still feel like in a bubble but before I crash and die in my bed tonight, I pushed myself to post this chapter that's been waiting for quite a while. I hope you enjoy it!

Unbelievable. 

It’s just impossible that, for a third time, Jaebeom has saved Jinyoung’s life. It makes no sense and Jaebeom will lose his mind because someone must be playing with his life or something, there’s no other explanation.

“At least now I truly saved you from an accident instead of misunderstanding your actions,” Jaebeom mumbles, still feeling weak for what almost happened had he not intervened. His hands are shaking and it’s probably the reason why he hasn’t released Jinyoung’s jacket yet.

“Do you have a hero complex or something? No one else tried to save me but you,” Jinyoung points out and Jaebeom stares at him, wondering if he was testing the people around or something.

“Did you step forward on purpose?” His voice hitches with annoyance, his breathing getting heavier as he considers the option that maybe it wouldn’t have been an accident. 

“Perhaps,” Jinyoung grins again. “That sport car looked like a promising death, but there are too many people who could get in the way. Not a good suicide option, if that’s what you want to ask.”

Jaebeom blinks, the tone of the other man rubbing him in all the wrong ways.

“Are you crazy?!” Jaebeom snaps, making more passersby turn to stare at him confused, probably because he’s holding on to someone, yelling at him while both are getting soaked wet.

Jinyoung raises one of his thick eyebrows, tilting his head just slightly as if _he_ was judging Jaebeom. He moves to wrap his long fingers around Jaebeom’s wrist to make him release his jacket and then he leads him away from the crossroad and towards the umbrella Jaebeom previously dropped. Without uttering a word yet, he picks it up and stands in front of him, holding it to cover them both.

“I was just distracted. I can’t always control my impulses,” he replies softly, still holding the umbrella and Jaebeom doesn’t move, he just stares. “Can you tell me you’ve never felt that urge to jump or step in front of an oncoming car? Not even once? Curious for what it could happen?”

“No,” Jaebeom deadpans. 

Jinyoung tilts his head again, shrugging as if it wasn’t an inconvenience that Jaebeom doesn't support his crazy behaviour. 

“I guess it’s just me, then. But I told you already, I’m captivated by death and normally I don’t try it because nothing promises certain death, but sometimes it happens without my consent,” he explains so casually Jaebeom is more shocked for his tone than his words. “I wasn’t trying to die today.”

“You’re crazy, really. Do you know how dangerous it is what you did? Not for you who doesn’t care if you die! But for other people. For the driver? The passersby? They could also get injured or even die because of your stupidity and they wouldn’t want to die like you!”

Jinyoung blinks, clearly not having thought of that.

“Do you know how many car accidents happen every day? Have you ever thought of the consequences for the people that get involved? There isn’t only one person in it!”

“Okay, no need to get so sensitive. Nothing happened, thanks to you,” the other boy tries to ease the tense mood, but Jaebeom snapped already.

“I have all the right! My mother is in coma because of a car accident she had nothing to do with, she was just waiting for the green light!” He roars, his throat hurting for the effort when he’s so cold. “Some idiot got in the way of another driver and he lost control of the car and hit my mother, now she won’t wake up and even if she does, she’ll never be the same. Do you realise you could cause the same to someone else? No, of course not, because you’re a selfish asshole who only thinks of his own satisfaction!”

Jinyoung is taken a back, stepping back due to the fierce confrontation from Jaebeom’s words, the intense glare and the accusation.

“I’m… sorry. About your mother and for today. That’s why you were at the hospital?” He asks, softly, so low he barely hears him with the rain pouring and the cars passing by, the music from the shop at the corner and all the hullabaloo of a city.

Jaebeom nods, the sudden rage leaving him as fast as it came, making him exhausted. His body feels heavy with his wet clothes and that is just too much for him right now.

“I’m sure she’ll wake up soon, Im Jaebeom,” adds Jinyoung, daring to grab his shoulder with an encouraging squeeze.

“Why do you keep talking informally to me?” Jaebeom asks instead of appreciating his words. He’s heard them so many times already and coming from Jinyoung they feel insincere considering he’s someone fascinated by death.

“Uh? I don’t know? Since you pulled me to the ground so aggressively, I just kinda did and kept at it. We always meet with you yanking me backwards.”

“Because you’re always about to die when we meet,” Jaebeom defends himself and he can’t believe he’s actually doing it. “How old are you?”

“As I am today, I’m twenty-three,” he replies easily although the phrasing is somehow odd. But then again, everything about Jinyoung is odd.

“I’m twenty-four so you shouldn’t speak informally to me,” Jaebeom points out, loving pulling the hyung card to everyone, especially nutshells like Jinyoung, pushing them where they belong.

“Aw, do you want me to call you hyung then… - _yo_?” Jinyoung asks, adding the suffix to make it formal at the end  of the sentence as a late thought.

“No,” Jaebeom replies. “It’s not like we are friends or like we’ll keep meeting.”

Jackson is so not finding out Jaebeom ran a third time into Jinyoung, otherwise he’ll never hear the end of it.

“Oh, you hurt my feelings. You’ve ‘saved’ me three times but I can’t call you hyung, _hyung_?”

Jaebeom pinches the bridge of his nose, exasperated with Jinyoung that’s already calling him hyung.

“You’re giving me a headache, again,” the older mumbles, massaging his temples with his fingers, thankful Jinyoung is the one holding the umbrella.

“You’re too stressed, it isn’t just me giving you the headache,” Jinyoung points out and Jaebeom opens his eyes just to glare at him.

“No, you’re the only thing giving me a headache right now. My mood had quite improved after dinner,” accuses the older but Jinyoung only looks amused.

“Ah, hyung, don’t glare so fiercely, you’re going to get wrinkles,” Jinyoung warns, using his thumb to ease the creases on Jaebeom’s forehead. “Let me repay you for saving my life.”

“Do you even appreciate having your life saved or did I get in the way again?”

“I can’t say I’m happy about it,” Jinyoung replies honestly. “I don’t care whether I live or die, but you are right. It was dangerous for other people as well and I’m grateful you saved the other people today.”

Jaebeom just stares, without frowning this time, realising Jinyoung replies honestly even if he knows the answer isn’t what the other wants to hear; even if it would rile up his addressee, he says exactly what he thinks. That’s something he has to grant him, because in the few occasions they’ve met Jinyoung has said the honest truth, even if that makes him look like a lunatic in front of Jaebeom.

“Wait here, I’ll be right back,” he adds before Jaebeom says anything else, tilting the umbrella until it’s resting on Jaebeom’s shoulder. The younger grabs his wrist again to make him hold the handle of the umbrella before he runs to the _pyeoneuijeom_ at the corner. 

Jaebeom stands still for unknown reasons to him. His apartment complex is across the street, he could go home now, dry and take a warm shower, eat at home and go to sleep. Instead, he’s waiting for a crazy guy while it still rains, barely holding his umbrella.

Jaebeom hears the bell of the door of the _pyeoneuijeom_ and then hears a ‘hyung’ that can only come from Jinyoung. He turns his had to see how Jinyoung comes jogging towards him, hugging a box of strawberry milk and some breads.

“I don’t know what you like, but you’re cold, grumpy, stressed, and sad, so I thought sweet things would help,” he explains, exposing the things he brought for Jaebeom.

Jaebeom doesn’t move, so the umbrella is still only covering him and Jinyoung is getting soaked again. He was already completely drenched when Jaebeom saved him, but he’s unperturbed for getting wetter now. He smiles with the whiskers by his eyes, amiably.

Jaebeom finally moves and holds the umbrella properly so it covers them both, sheltering them a bit from he rain. When is it going to stop? It’s been a while already.

“I hope you like strawberry milk,” Jinyoung comments and Jaebeom is tempted to tell him he hates it, but that’s a lie.

“It’s my favourite,” he replies honestly instead. “I have a sweet tooth”

His honesty earns him an even wider smile, Jinyoung’s eyes completely disappearing in crescents, the whiskers deeper and longer, all his teeth showing. It’s dashing and warm, even coming from a crazy person that’s soaking wet, with drops sliding down his face constantly even under the umbrella.

Jinyoung opens the carton and puts a straw inside before holding it for Jaebeom. For a second he’s just going to drink, but then he realises his other hand is free so he grabs the strawberry milk himself before taking a sip. The sweetness is cooling and comforting, giving him some of the energy that was drained from him.

“You should get home or you might catch a cold. Do you live far?” Jinyoung asks, tearing open one of the breads for him. Jaebeom doesn’t have more free hands so this time he has to accept Jinyoung feeding him to take a bite.

“I live across the street,” he points out, swallowing the bite of bread.

Jinyoung turns to look at the place Jaebeom points at with his chin and the younger’s eyes widen as he whistles appreciatively. 

“Wow, you live nicely,” points Jinyoung, turning around to meet his eyes again. “This is an expensive area.”

“ _Abeoji_ has a good job,” Jaebeom answers with a shrug. 

His father is one of the directors in a big corporation so of course they live in a huge apartment where his in-suit bathroom is probably bigger than Youngjae’s room in his dorm. They’ve always had a good situation so it’s never been an issue for Jaebeom or something he cares about. It’s not something he brags about or anything, quite contrary, he avoids talking about it because he knows it’s not his, that’s all his father’s work only.

“That’s nice,” Jinyoung comments and Jaebeom feels that curiosity urging him to ask about Jinyoung’s situation, but he stops himself. They are not close, they don’t need to ask those things about each other. “Then go home before you catch a cold.

“Do you live nearby?” He asks before he can stop himself. “You’re worse than I am.”

“I won’t get a cold if that’s what you’re worried about,” Jinyoung answers confidently.

“I’m not worried,” Jaebeom lies because a part of him worries the younger will get pneumonia or something. 

“I’ll be fine,” Jinyoung, unnecessarily, reassures him so Jaebeom looks away. “Go home, hyung. I’ll see you around.”

“What makes you think we’ll meet each other?” Jaebeom asks, frowning again.

Jinyoung shrugs, his smile casual. “You have a tendency to show up and pull me back. It’s been three times already. I almost think we’re fated somehow,” he says and Jaebeom’s eyes widen in horror.

Jinyoung laughs, happily and so amused.

“I’m joking,” he explains. “I just have a feeling we’ll meet again, that’s all.” The younger presses the bread against Jaebeom’s chest, so he has to use his arm to keep it in place. “Get home safe, hyung.”

“You too, Park Jinyoung,” he replies and sees the kind smile the other gives him before stepping back, again under the pouring rain.

Jinyoung bows his head and waves his hand before turning on his heels and breaking out in a run towards the subway station. Jaebeom watches him go until he disappears from view and only then he seems to snap enough to turn and go to the crossroad, waiting for the green light.

 _Oh, Jinyoung never crossed the street,_ he realises as the light changes to green and he takes the first step forward.


	6. judgemental

Since his mother’s accident, Jaebeom often dreams of car accidents. It’s never him the one getting in an accident, he’s always a witness or the perpetrator, and in most of those dreams, his mother is stuck in an upside-down car and he cannot get her out. The young man wakes up with a scream stuck in his throat, cold sweat pearling his skin and the horror reflected in his eyes. It gets worse when he wakes up from those dreams at home where he cannot find his mother, but it’s not better when he wakes up at the hospital and she’s still in coma. 

It’s just never easy.

Tonight, when in his dream, though, the person trapped inside the upside-down car is Park Jinyoung. He hangs, trapped with the seatbelt, his black hair falling and from his scalp red drops slide down like the raindrops he saw rolling through his skin the last time he saw him in real life. His fair complexion is tainted with blood and he looks like a nightmare from hell, cuts everywhere and arms twisted in unnatural angles; but when Jaebeom goes to save him, Jinyoung only grins.

 _Stop trying to be a hero and let me die,_ says the Jinyoung in his dream and Jaebeom is even more perturbed but he doesn’t listen and reaches out to unbuckle the seatbelt.

_You can’t always save me… or anyone else for what matters. People will die on you, sooner or later. Better get used to it._

_No, no, no,_ Jaebeom mumbles, refusing to let anyone die if he can do anything to save them. It doesn’t matter who that person is, whether his mother or a crazy person like Jinyoung, Jaebeom will try and save them.

Jaebeom wakes up from that dream frantic and desperate instead of terrified like he normally does, his determination increasing his heartbeat and making his breathing ragged. Jinyoung’s expression in his dream was the most disturbing thing, how surrendered he was, how accepting and welcoming of death.

Trying to calm down, Jaebeom checks the time on his mobile and realises he had another half hour before his alarm had to ring so he deems pointless trying to go back to sleep. Instead, he gets out of bed and goes to get a glass of water and just starts to get ready for the day. His head feels stuffy and he’s more tired than usual, but he had a bad night sleep and got soaked wet, not to mention the traumatic experience with Jinyoung.

When he’s back in his room—after showering and getting dressed—to get his belongings before heading out to the hospital, he finds the rest of the bread Jinyoung gave him. A little smile comes to his lips as he grabs it in his hands and takes a new bite. It’s not bad so he eats it all as he heads out of his home, without even worrying if his father even came back last night.

To the hospital, he takes the bus in the morning as there’s one that goes directly from his sector to the hospital so he doesn’t need to commute and it’s just the most convenient thing, so he swallows his wariness and takes it. There’s an empty seat so he goes for it and just listens to music to distract himself. He’d normally read but now he doesn’t read unless he’s reading to his mother so she won’t miss a bit of the story.

The visit times don’t start until nine AM, but even if his father is registered as the guardian, Jaebeom is the acting one and everyone knows it so he can come and go as he pleases. On his way to his mother’s room, he greets the nurses on shift at that time, the sleepy doctors he runs into and anyone else. His mood has improved a bit since he woke up, but he still feels exhausted and his head has started to hurt.

However, Jaebeom puts everything aside to focus on his mother when he walks in the room, smiling brightly as if there was nothing wrong. She cannot see anything, but that doesn’t mean he won’t try.

“Good morning, eomma _._ How are you feeling today? Isn’t a good day to wake up?” Asks the boy as he opens the curtains. “It might rain a bit in the afternoon, but for now it looks like a good day. It’s not too hot or cold, the skies are clear and I miss you a lot so I would be extremely happy if you wake up.”

There’s no reply other than the beeping of machines and the constant numbers that barely change day after day. Jaebeom sighs but doesn’t get discouraged as he approaches his mother to greet her with a kiss on her forehead, like he always does.

“I came earlier than expected, but I woke up from bad dreams and decided it was useless staying in bed. I prefer spending some more time with you,” Jaebeom continues, speaking nonstop. 

Every time he does this he wonders how Jackson does it. He can speak for hours and hours without losing energy. Granted, his friend can also spend hours quiet like Mark, and Mark can also spend hours talking (rarely and depending what you feed him with). Jaebeom gets exhausted from talking too much, way too easily.

Without much ado, Jaebeom spends a few hours with his mother, reminding her that her sister will come soon and that she won’t be so lonely anymore. Then he goes to his classes but it gets harder and harder to concentrate or do things as the day progresses. He’s feeling more poorly by the hour and no matter what he eats, it doesn’t change.

Mark, with whom he and Jackson are having _shabu shabu_ together _,_ reaches out across the table, his palm agains Jaebeom’s forehead, pushing his hair—which is quite long by now—out of the way.

“Mmm,” the older muses. “It seems you have a fever. I think you might be overworked with everything going on. You need a break, Jaebeomie.”

“Nah. Last night I got soaked wet so maybe I caught a cold. What an inconvenient time to get one, though,” Jaebeom guesses, pinching the bridge of his nose but it doesn’t help.

Jackson, next to Mark and in front of him, also reaches out but instead of checking his fever, he uses his index and middle fingers to press at Jaebeom’s temples for a few seconds then releasing, then doing it again. He lets the other man work on the pressure points of headache because Jackson is extremely precise and knowledgeable about body aches and how to cure them, due to his life as fencer. Jackson is really good and was actually offered a scholarship to go to Stanford but he chose to stay in Seoul and pursue business instead.

“Why did you get caught in the rain? You always carry an umbrella,” Jackson asks, still making pressure.

Jaebeom answers once his friend is done, with his head a bit more cleared and feeling less about to die.

“Something happened with someone. I saved someone from getting in an accident, and in my rush I dropped the umbrella,” Jaebeom explains, focusing on the food now, mixing all the ingredients they gathered and making sure they are well cooked.

“You’re saving more people now? Or was the one you already saved twice? What was his name?” Jackson jokes, laughing immediately but Jaebeom doesn’t say anything, he only keeps his eyes low to avoid getting caught.

It doesn’t work.

“Wait a minute… it was _him?_ For real?” Jackson’s mouth drops when Jaebeom doesn’t confirm it. “Hyung, this is getting even a bit creepy.”

“His name is Jinyoung,” Jaebeom answers instead of confirming it was Jinyoung whom he saved, but he doesn’t need to, Jackson can actually read him so well. It’s the curse of being childhood friends.

“Do you think he’s following you? 'Cos it’s not normal to meet three times when he’s about to die, you know? In other circumstances I would insist on the whole fate thing, but now I’m creeped out.”

“It’s me arriving to the place where he already is, so if someone is following anyone, then logically that would be me,” Jaebeom points out and Jackson’s gasps in utter shock.

“Hyung, are you _stalking_ him? Why? Is he an idol?” 

Jaebeom feels his headache coming back just because of Jackson stupid guesses.

“No,” he deadpans. “Although he could be one,” he adds next as an afterthought, not meant to be heard.

“Why? Is he handsome? How handsome? Mark hyung handsome or me handsome?” Jackson continues, first using his hands to point at Mark as if he was explaining a new product you must buy, and then doing the same to himself. Mark grins amused at Jackson’s antics. 

“Mmm, he’s handsome in like a romantic and composed way? He looks like the type your mother would love for your younger sister to date.”

“I don’t have a younger sister,” Jackson interrupts but Jaebeom completely ignores him.

“He looks like an actor and impeccable person with the perfect manners and all that… but he’s crazy.”

“No one is perfect,” Mark points out as Jaebeom takes a _tteok_ from the pan in the middle, trying it and deeming it’s ready to start eating so he turns off the burner. 

“Yeah, but he’s suicidal, so no matter how perfect he might look on the outside, he’s crazy. And he’s disconcerting when you talk to him.”

“Well, there must be a reason for it,” continues the older. “Maybe a trauma or a difficult situation, you don’t know. There could be a perfect logical explanation and his suicidal tendencies are nothing but a cry for help because he cannot do it alone?”

Jaebeom turns to look at Mark and his stream of logic, blinking in surprise because he hadn’t even considered that option. He concluded Jinyoung was crazy and never thought more about that. Maybe there is a reason, maybe Jinyoung needs help and not someone who pulls him back, but someone who makes him stop trying to kill himself.

If that’s the case, Jaebeom doesn’t want to offer himself for the job. He has more than enough on his plate.

“No one wants to kill one self for no reason, hyung, so you shouldn’t be that harsh and just call him crazy for that, you should try to understand instead,” Jackson continues Mark’s train of thoughts, seriously and even a bit scolding, like a parent giving advice.

“Please, don’t finish each other arguments,” Jaebeom pleads. “It’s creepy. And I know, it was wrong of me to judge him so quickly. Still, that doesn’t mean I should be the one to understand or help him just because I’ve stepped in his suicidal or not exactly suicidal moments. I can’t deal with that.”

“We are not saying that you should take care of him or help him,” Mark begins.

“Just to be less judgemental,” Jackson continues, completely ignoring his request.

“We actually applaud that you have saved him three times already,” Mark speaks next.

“Well done, hyung,” Jackson finishes making Jaebeom shiver and make faces in disgust, which is exactly why they keep doing it.

Mark’s and Jackson’s sync is one of the most curious things because they are complete opposites but they have a connection, since they met, that makes everyone wonder _how?_ Jaebeom has known them for years and he can’t still figure it out.

“You two disgust me,” Jaebeom groans. “I want to enjoy my food, please stop.”

The two laugh cheerily but thankfully, they don’t continue arguing together and they focus on eating.

In a corner of his mind, Jaebeom thinks that if he ever runs again into Jinyoung, he won’t be that judgemental. For his own good, though, he hopes they won’t run into each other again. The younger leaves him feeling so unsettled every time, and he’s not looking forward that feeling any time soon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love JJP… I love Markson. I can't never write one without the other.


	7. cold

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Today I re-read everything I have written so far and I just love these two so much. I hope you love them, too. Enjoy this chapter!

By the time Jaebeom is done with classes, the young man is knackered. It seems he really got a cold because the headache doesn’t go away, his body feels made of lead, he’s constantly shivering and his head is really stuffy. Going to the hospital takes longer than usual because he misses his stop and in that moment he doesn’t think of changing platforms and just go back. No, Jaebeom gets off, and out of the station and walks to the hospital when he’s feeling already so poorly.

Bad judgment that only comes from a mind that’s working at thirty-five point six percent.

Luckily for Jaebeom, when he makes it to his mother’s room, she isn’t alone. His smile is automatic and wide when he sees his aunt by his mother’s side, putting new flowers and more picture frames and other sort of things to make the room more homey, something Jaebeom just couldn’t do.

“ _Imo!_ ” He cries out, getting the attention of the other woman, so similar to Youngjae with the wide smile and happy go lucky expression.

“Jaebeomie! Surprise!” The woman replies, immediately opening her arms and Jaebeom doesn’t hesitate to step in the embrace. His mother has been in coma for over two months, he’s missed that motherly affection and hugs that can put all his pieces together. “Aw, you poor thing. You’ve suffered a lot, haven’t you?”

Jaebeom doesn’t answer, he just lets his aunt pat his hair like when he was a kid, even if he’s easily a head taller than her now.

“How can your _appa_ be so cruel to let you alone through this? He should’ve taken his holidays and _be_ here _._ ”

Jaebeom agrees and he’s complained for the same thing many times, but he doesn’t have the energy to do so now.

Noticing his extremely quiet behaviour, his aunt pushes to take a better look at Jaebeom, taking notice of the deep bags under his eyes due to exhaustion, his flushed face, patched lips and downcast expression.

“ _Eommo!_ ” she exclaims in surprise, immediately checking for a fever. “You’re burning up! Did you take anything? What happened? Is it the stress?”

Jaebeom shakes his head at all those questions and answers, “I got caught in the rain last night. I think it’s a cold.”

“We’re in a hospital, we’re getting that seen now,” his aunt declares in that voice that says there’s no arguing that will change her mind, yet he tries.

“I can do that myself. I just wanted to check on eomma first. I’m so glad you’re here, imo. I bet she missed you a lot.”

“And now that I’m here, you can rest a bit, Jaebeomie. You’ve had it so hard, and now you don’t need to bear all the burden yourself. You can lean on me,” she says, her tone soft and so warm, exactly what Jaebeom needed. “Now go and take care of your cold, don’t make your _eomma_ worry, okay? Get home and rest so tomorrow you’ll feel better, trust me to look after her.”

“Thank you, imo _,_ ” Jaebeom says with heartfelt sincerity. His aunt smiles encouragingly, ruffling his hair before sending him out, patting his bum as if he was still a little kid.

Jaebeom chuckles a bit before he is kicked out, he greets his mother and tells her he’ll be back soon when he’s feeling better, he’s leaving her in good hands. Only after that he gets out and heads for the emergency room to get some sort of shot or anything. However, the moment he is in the reception he can only see the many other people waiting and realises it’ll take a while, and he’s definitely not in the mood to wait among other sick people.

Feeling exhausted, Jaebeom just goes to the pharmacy and speaks to the _ahjussi_ there, explaining his symptoms and just buying everything the man recommends. With the bag with all the medicine, Jaebeom considers going home, but he doesn’t feel good enough to ride the subway or take a bus at peak hour. For that reason, he goes back to the hospital but not to his mother’s room because his aunt will nag him and send him home herself if he shows up. Because it’s a nice day, he goes to the rooftop.

Jaebeom takes the same route as he previously did to the rooftop, still getting marvelled with the view, and scanning his surroundings in case Jinyoung is there like before, but he’s the only human there. Relaxed, he looks for a place to sit and relax, enjoying the last rays of sunshine. He goes to the other side of the rooftop, away from the door so no one will see him and tell him to get out for who knows what reason. There, he takes off his backpack, puts the bag with medicine next to it and sits down, his back against the rooftop rail. Exhaustion makes it all twice as harder and his fever makes him want to give up on life, so he takes the medicine he was given to reduce his fever, even getting a patch for his forehead. He drinks the energy drink and once he’s consumed everything he was told to, Jaebeom closes his eyes, his face to the sun letting the big star warm him up when he’s feeling so cold.

Jaebeom doesn’t know if he falls asleep or something, but he loses track of time as he just lies there, waiting for the flow of people to decrease so he can go back home comfortably. His mind goes over many things, from how he should’ve taken a taxi but didn’t consider the option until he was already so comfortable on the rooftop, to what is he going to do if his mother doesn’t wake up? His mind is all over the place, and sometimes it’s like he is dreaming for how bizarre his thoughts become.

It’s a curious state.

“Are you alive?” Someone asks, a voice that sounds distant yet somehow familiar.

Jaebeom opens one eye and scans his surroundings, but he cannot see anyone.

“Ah, you aren’t dead. You look kinda dead, though,” the voice continues and now Jaebeom realises it comes from his left, so he opens his other eye and turns his head, just to find Park Jinyoung there, sitting on the rail as if nothing, his back to free fall of thirteen storeys.

Jaebeom feels his heart-rate speed up, his body tensing at the dangerous situation, almost immediately reaching out, but he is too tired, his body not exactly responsive so he gets a chance to think and realise he doesn’t need to stop Jinyoung. The young boy doesn’t seem about to jump, his attention is on Jaebeom. Willing himself to calm down, Jaebeom takes a deep breath and relaxes, noticing other details like how Jinyoung is in hospital gear.

“When did you get admitted? Why?” The older asks, confused. He saw Jinyoung the night before and he was completely fine.

Jinyoung shrugs as if he didn’t remember, but it had to be today if last night he was out and acting as his usual odd self.

“Did you catch a cold?” Jinyoung asks instead and if Jaebeom had all his mental faculties, he wouldn’t allow to get distracted like this.

“It seems so,” Jaebeom answer but it sounds slurred, causing Jinyoung to grimace. 

“You do look terrible, hyung. I told you last night,” Jinyoung comments, completely unnecessarily.  “At least it seems you took care of it. Now it’s a matter of just waiting for it to pass. But you’re in a hospital, you should’ve gotten treated here instead of with drugs from he pharmacy.”

“Emergency was too crowded and I don’t feel like being around people,” Jaebeom answers honestly. “By the way, can you get off the rail? It’s making me incredibly anxious.”

“The view is great from up here,” Jinyoung says, completely ignoring his request. “People look insignificant from here. Everything looks insignificant, so small you can barely distinguish what is what. It’s so easy to see the big picture from here, literally.”

“Is that why you like heights?” Jaebeom asks, accepting Jinyoung won’t get off, if anything he leads back as he stares down, and the older feels his heart about to jump off his chest.

“Partly,” Jinyoung answers with a shrug, and then, surprising Jaebeom, he gets off the rail and sits by his side. “It gives me perspective and it clears my mind, which helps when I need to think.”

“It’s dangerous,” Jaebeom points out, keeping his eyes on the boy next to him.

“So it’s everything else. Almost anything can kill you, did you know?” Jinyoung laughs. “You can get hit by a delivery man when walking down the street. Or get a weird disease. Or get struck by a lighting. Or bitten by a deadly spider while sleeping. _Uff,_ so many ways to day, getting close to a precipice won’t make much a difference, honestly.”

“That’s a very depressive way to see life,” the older comments, feeling apprehension because Jinyoung is right. It’s just so easy to die, just being at the wrong time in the wrong place.

“Life is depressive,” the younger shrugs. “Heights give me perspective and slap me with humility, reminding me the world doesn’t turn around me and I’m just a spec like everyone else down there. It also makes me realise my problems are as insignificant in the big picture.”

“Can’t you realise the same without putting your life in extra risk?”

Jinyoung looks at Jaebeom with a grin that’s both mischievous and extremely handsome at the same time.

“And what’s the fun in that?”

Jaebeom first instinct is to call the other boy crazy, but he remembers his conversation with Jackson and Mark about being more understanding, so he bites his tongue and swallows those words.

“You have no attachment to life, do you?” Jinyoung only nods to confirm such statement. “Why? Isn’t anything worth living for? Your family? Friends? A girlfriend?”

“My family are too busy with their lives, so we aren’t a close knit group. I don’t have friends. My ex boyfriend broke up with me because I was too much to handle and my suicidal tendencies scared him.”

_Boyfriend_ , Jaebeom thinks without judging. His best friends are in a relationship, Jackson and Mark, for the past two years and they are still gross together, overly cute at times, just a perfect balance making everyone feel depressive single, even those who are not even single. 

“I do understand your boyfriend. If you love someone, you obviously worry about them and wouldn’t want them to die,” Jaebeom reasons, trying to imagine himself in a situation like that and feeling his headache getting worse.

“We were like fifteen, we weren’t in love, hyung. But I have to admit I was a lot more dramatic when I was a teenager. I blame it on the hormones.”

Jaebeom doesn’t want to, but he ends up laughing at that, imagining a younger Jinyoung more dramatic and exaggerated about his suicide attempts, more to get attention than actually wanting to die.

“Do you really want to die?” Jaebeom asks, still something hard to understand, and Jinyoung acts so nonchalant about it that it’s hard to imagine him as someone depressed or miserable. He looks more curious than suicidal… odd.

“I’d like to. I’m extremely curious to know what’s after life. To be honest, life in general sucks so I wonder if what comes is worse or better. I try to be hopeful, though,” the boy answers, tilting his head up, to the sky that now, Jaebeom realises, is dark. Way past sunset. 

“What if there’s nothing?”

“What if there’s something?” Jinyoung refutes using his same tone and Jaebeom has to accept they have the same certainty for both statements, which makes it a tie. “If I have to be sincere, I don’t believe in heaven and hell. I think living is paying for all your sins, and getting recompensed for our good actions in our past life. Basically, living is that hell where you pay, you know? When we die, we just get accounted for what we did in this life before we are sent to the next, depending on what we did.”

“What a depressive way to see life,” Jaebeom comments, trying to hide the surprise that Jinyoung’s opinion causes.

“Some people think life is a blessing, but there’s no life without hardships and we get what we deserve, so if we suffer a lot, it’s because we did something really bad. When you look back, what did you do bad to deserve this?” Jinyoung continues, getting into this debate. “Like you. What did your mother or you did to deserve this situation? Were you bad people before the accident.”

“No,” Jaebeom replies immediately. He wasn’t the best person or an example, he got in many fights, but he never meant harm to anyone. And his mother has always been such a gentle and kind soul, she didn’t deserve what happened. 

“Maybe in your past lives you did something, who knows? And now you’re paying for it.”

“Why does it have to be a punishment? Why do we have to pay?” Jaebeom insists, feeling frustrated even when he sees things like that.

“Because everything has a price in life, nothing’s for free,” Jinyoung answers calmly. “And if it’s not paying for your wrongdoings, then what is it? Bad luck? Why? Just because?”

“It’s unfair, we don’t even remember if we did something bad,” continues the older, hating even more the other option. At least Jinyoung’s theory has an explanation for why they have to suffer.

“Hence why I say life has too many hardships and it’s depressive. Do you see my point now?”

“Yes,” Jaebeom agrees but it doesn’t make him feel any better. “I still don’t want to die, I just want to punch someone in the face. Probably my past self for getting me in this situation.”

Jinyoung laughs at that, happily, his eyes crinkling, his hand flying to cover his mouth, the sound deep and warm, it sends pleasant shivers down his spine and Jaebeom realises he likes it, he truly likes Jinyoung’s honest smile, not the sarcastic grin, or the patronising smirk. No, Jaebeom likes this cheerful and happy laughter, he really does.

And as he watches Jinyoung laughing, he realises the other isn’t that crazy as he thought.


	8. return the favour

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You know… this story might have like 40 chapters. I wrote the whole outline for the rest of it and it's quite a few pages and I tend to write a lot for it as it's more descriptive (?) Anyhow, I hope you don't mind. I also hope you enjoy this chapter. Slowly, you see Jaebeom and Jinyoung getting closer. This is my attempt a slow burn I think????? You let me know.

       “Hyung,” a voice calls, it sounds distant and muffled, as if Jaebeom were under water and someone is calling him from outside. His body feels heavy and alien to him, his eyelids made of lead and even if he tries he can’t open them, plus after one try he gives up, not having the energy to try again. “Hyung, if you sleep here more your cold will only get worse. I have no problem being your pillow, but I don’t think we are that close yet to be doing this.”

“Hmmm,” Jaebeom groans, understanding the words but not processing the meaning of them.

“Hyung, it might even rain. Wake up,” the voice insists and this time Jaebeom feels a hand on his shoulder, shaking him.

Honestly, he feels terrible but he tries opening his eyes just for his surroundings to spin, so he closes them again. It feels like his body suddenly becomes so thin and small and the world is too big on him, like an infinitely larger jumper. But a second later it feels like his body is too big, swelling to the point he thinks he’ll explode.

“Hyung, are you okay? Why are you making zombie noises?” 

Jaebeom is a bit more conscious now, even if he continues going from too thin to too swollen, the world around him never fitting; yet he can recognise Jinyoung’s voice and he realises he must’ve fallen asleep while talking to him, the medicine and his cold dragging him into unconsciousness. Now it’s such a Herculean task to come back from such place.

“I don’t… don’t feel well,” Jaebeom manages to stutter, shivering but not because he’s cold, per se, it’s just his body fighting everything he’s feeling.

“Oh boy…” Jinyoung mutters, his tone carrying a bit of panic this time. “Okay, I don’t think I can carry you, I’m not a man of muscle and you look heavy.”

“Rude,” Jaebeom scoffs, not missing the way Jinyoung chuckles even in such situation.

“So let me help you sit straight, and lets try taking deep breaths to calm down,” the younger boy suggests and Jaebeom feels his hands on both shoulders, pushing him to a different position. He wonders if he was lying his head on Jinyoung’s lap or something, because it seems the other young man is helping him to sit straight. “Okay, now breathe in… and out,” he instructs, sonorously taking a breath himself to guide Jaebeom.

The older does as told, breathe in and out, in and out, until he stops feeling like the world is spinning around him out of control, until his body feels like his body again. An eternity later (or what seems like that) Jaebeom dares to open his eyes and the world isn’t spinning anymore, so that’s a relief. Slowly, he turns his head and finds Jinyoung by his side, holding him with an arm around his shoulders and a tentative smile.

“Better?” The younger asks and Jaebeom nods. He still feels more than sixty percent about to die, but it’s better than before. “That’s good. I was afraid I would have to drag your dead body down all those stairs.”

“You could’ve used the lift though,” Jaebeom comments and watches Jinyoung’s face losing all emotion, just staring back at that.

“I was panicking, I didn’t think through,” he excuses himself and Jaebeom grins. “Still, I’m glad you are doing better.”

“Thank you… you didn’t need to stay or even help me. Why are you still here?” Jaebeom asks, his throat hurts, his voice is hoarse and he gets tired for uttering more than one sentence, but he pushes through.

“You’ve ‘saved’ me three times,” Jinyoung points out. “I might be mildly suicidal, but I’m not ungrateful. When you started dozing off, your head on my shoulder and no more answers, I figured you needed some sleep to get better. Now I realise sleeping on the rooftop was probably a bad idea and I shouldn’t have allowed it.”

“Yeah, you should’ve stopped me,” Jaebeom agrees, not meaning to criticise him or anything like it, just echoing his words.

“I’m not the best at surviving, you see? Not my forte.” 

Jinyoung’s smile is sheepish and cute, Jaebeom cannot help noticing, the blush in the younger’s cheeks probably matching his own feverish blush.

“You should head back home,” Jinyoung speaks, looking away as if to hide his blush, but the corner of Jaebeom’s mouth turn upwards. “It’s really late and you need proper rest. Sleeping on the rooftop of the hospital is not the place, even if my lap is super comfortable.”

“I wouldn’t say super comfortable,” Jaebeom points out, grinning as he confirms he indeed ended up sleeping on Jinyoung’s lap, the younger probably even moved Jaebeom to that position so he would be more comfortable.

Jinyoung turns to gasp, mockingly offended that Jaebeom can say such thing.

“I was nursing you and this is how you repay me?”

“Weren’t you just returning the favour though? You were never nice when I saved you,” Jaebeom reminds him and Jinyoung only looks more offended. The older continues grinning, not knowing why he’s teasing Jinyoung as if they were friends and got along. Maybe he’s more feverish than he thought.

“First off, you didn’t save me because I wasn’t about to die the first two times. The third I did thanked you and I even got you food.” Jinyoung looks indignant and Jaebeom only thinks it’s amusing. 

“You’re cute when you get riled up,” Jaebeom comments without much thought, still grinning and then breaking eye contact, staring ahead and losing his good mood. Just the thought of having to head home when he’s feeling worse than before looks like too much. “How much worse would I get if I stay here?”

“Probably pneumonia or something like that,” Jinyoung answers. “Why? Can’t you stand?”

“I’m not sure,” answers the older with a sigh. “I’m not even sure if I can make it back home. I didn’t feel that capable before, now it’s worse.”

“Do you want me to take you home?” The younger offers, Jaebeom’s head snaps to stare at Jinyoung, the movement too fast and sudden, making him dizzy all over again so he has to close his eyes for a few seconds to stabilise again. 

“You are hospitalised, you’re not supposed to go out. Is this another way of yours to put your life in danger, tempting death to come for you?”

“I don’t think anything deadly will happen to me if I sneak out of the hospital to take you home and then come back,” Jinyoung rolls his eyes. “Worst case scenario I get in trouble with the hospital, but believe me, that’s not going to happen. Unless you’re embarrassed to be seen with someone walking in a hospital pyjama.”

“I don’t care about that,” Jaebeom replies, rolling his eyes just like Jinyoung did before. “I just wanted to make sure. I don’t have the physical faculties to rescue you were you get in trouble.”

“It’s not going to happen,” Jinyoung reassures.

Without waiting for another word, Jinyoung takes his arm away and rises to his feet with a little groan, probably from being sitting on the floor for so long. He presses his hands on his back and stretches while Jaebeom watches him in his hospital pyjama, with just a cardigan to keep him warm. Jinyoung looks younger like that, more fragile than the day before when they met near Jaebeom’s place, under the rain. Jinyoung looks slightly different, Jaebeom notices, not exactly sick but worn out, like he’s been having such a hard time for a long time, but he didn’t look like that last night.

_He’s such a confusing creature,_ Jaebeom ponders as he watches the other boy stretching like a cat before holing up his hand for Jaebeom and helping him to his feet, carefully putting his other hand under the older’s elbow to help him stand and control his balance.

“Okay?” Jinyoung asks and Jaebeom nods, even if the ground under his feet moves a bit still, but he can make it. “Do you wanna go home or stay with your mother tonight?” 

Jaebeom thinks about it. Obviously it would be better to just go to his mother’s room instead of his home, but his aunt is there and if Jaebeom shows up, she’ll only get worried. Moreover, Jaebeom doesn’t want to take the guardian’s bed when his aunt is there.

“Home,” Jaebeom answers even if it pains him. “Imo is with eomma now so there’s no room for me and I don’t want her to worry about me. It’s just a cold.”

“Fine, if that’s what you want,” Jinyoung agrees without further arguing and then proceeds to help him walk towards the doors and then downstairs, to the lift doors.

Jaebeom doesn’t think much, he just leans on Jinyoung by his side, taking warmth from the other’s body as he realises he now feels cold, when his surroundings change and there’s no more cold wind blowing. Odd that he gets colder when around him gets warmer.

He isn’t really aware of where they are, if people stare at them or anything; they probably do considering Jaebeom is leaning on someone who was admitted in the hospital when it should be the other way around, but in his state he couldn’t care less. Every time they stop for some reason, Jaebeom just closes his eyes and lets Jinyoung support him. He faintly hears the younger complain for having to hold Jaebeom’s weight, and he makes a mental note to thank the other man when he’s feeling more like himself and less like a zombie.

Jaebeom tries his best to get in the taxi when Jinyoung tells him to, and he gives his address when the younger elbow him to do so because he doesn’t know exactly. He could rest his head on the headrest of the seat, but instead he ends up resting on Jinyoung’s shoulder again until he’s roused when they arrive to their destination. He hands his credit card to pay for the ride and thanks the driver before getting off, taking Jinyoung’s hand for support and once again letting the other man hold him as they walk towards the tower where his flat is. It’s a big apartment complex, but his tower isn’t that far from the entrance. 

Once in front of the tower, Jaebeom presses the passcode to open the doors and they walk inside. Jinyoung looks around and spots the lift doors, taking Jaebeom with him to them. 

“What floor?” He asks and in the back of Jaebeom’s mind he knows he shouldn’t let Jinyoung take him to his flat, he’s done enough and Jaebeom can do the rest alone, but ultimately he just answers it’s the thirtieth floor and watches Jinyoung press the button.

The doors open and before Jinyoung asks which door, Jaebeom turns to his right, to the only door on that floor. He focuses enough to press the buttons for his passcode and enter the flat… well, it’s actually a penthouse but Jaebeom doesn’t like calling it that. Jinyoung, however, notices it and his intake of air clearly means he’s surprised.

“Your father does _really_ well, uh?” The younger comments after they take off their shoes and walk inside.

Jaebeom finally breaks the contact with the younger, standing on his own and doing his utmost best to face Jinyoung properly before bowing in forty-five degrees.

“Thank you so much for bringing me home,” Jaebeom says when he stands straight again. “I barely noticed the ride.”

“You’re running a really high fever, so lets get you to bed. Thank me when you’re feeling better.”

“I can do it myself. I don’t want you to get in more trouble for sneaking out of the hospital. How did you even do it?” Jaebeom asks, just now thinking of that. 

“I have my ways,” Jinyoung answers casually. “And don’t worry about that. Worry more about yourself right now. Tell me what’s your room?” The last sentence sounds more like a question, and Jaebeom really doesn’t have the energy to argue further, so he complies and points towards his door. 

Jinyoung presses his hand on Jaebeom’s elbow again and leads him towards his room, helping him get in bed and taking his belongings from him, including all the medicine he got and helping him to get another dose, even if it’s too close from the previous one. Or maybe not, Jaebeom has no idea what time it is.

Jaebeom doesn’t fight or complain, he just lets Jinyoung take care of him not with expert hands, but definitely much better than he could do in his state. The younger even ventures outside to the kitchen to bring him something to eat (something that was already made by the maid and left for him) before he takes his medicine. 

“Get some sleep, hyung. That’s what you need the most,” Jinyoung lulls him, stroking his hair in a way that’s too comforting and doesn’t help Jaebeom to think and realise the whole situation is too surreal. He doesn’t really know Jinyoung yet he’s in his room, nursing him back to health.

“You need to go back…” Jaebeom mutters, a weak complaint.

“Shh, it’s okay,” Jinyoung reassures and Jaebeom can barely see the comforting smile the younger gives him. “I won’t get in trouble, I promise. Just focus on getting rest so you’ll feel better tomorrow. You don’t need to get weaker and for things to get even harder, so sleep and recover. For yourself and your mother.”

Jaebeom cannot argue against that, so he nods and lets Jinyoung persuade him to just fall asleep, even if that’s reckless, irresponsible and crazy when he has a stranger in his home. Still, Jaebeom falls asleep with Jinyoung by his side, stroking his hair and humming a song that works wonders to make Jaebeom go back to unconsciousness.

 


	9. recovery

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been pretty busy but I'm using this day off for writing.
> 
> This chapter isn't that exciting but it's still important. I know some of you have started to question what's up with Jinyoung, so I can tell you to pay attention to every detail as you work on your theories. I can only tell you… there's something going on there.

When Jaebeom wakes up the next day, it’s way past noon, Jinyoung is gone and every trail he could’ve possibly left behind. Carefully, Jaebeom sits upright on his bed, uncomfortable but definitely not feeling terrible like the day before. There’s no headache or spinning world, his body aches but he has full control of it; the worst part is his throat that feels like sandpaper, just swallowing is painful. Because of that, he gets out of bed realising he’s in his clothes from the day before, including jeans and shirt, which probably only added up to his discomfort but he’s grateful Jinyoung didn’t strip him, he already did too much for him.

Jaebeom heads to the kitchen for a glass of warm water for his throat, thinking of Jinyoung and wondering if he got back to the hospital safe. Now the young man realises he didn’t give the younger any cash to pay for the ride back, which is the least he could’ve done for troubling him so much.

Now that he thinks about all what Jinyoung did for him just for a simple cold, Jaebeom is surprised. They’ve met four times, never in a normal situation. They aren’t friends, barely acquaintances if he’s being kind enough, because until yesterday Jaebeom regarded Jinyoung as a weirdo he wanted as far away as possible. Yet the younger man went through all that trouble for Jaebeom when he was too weak to get home alone, nursing him and even singing him to sleep.

Jaebeom is quite a healthy man, seldom getting sick so he’s never had a friend ever taking care of him, only his mother. He got this cold not just for getting caught in the rain, he knows that. All the stress and worry due to his family situation must’ve attacked his defences and that rain was just the last straw.

As he fills a glass with warm water, Jaebeom wonders if Jinyoung helped him because he felt guilty for getting Jaebeom soaked wet. He doesn’t blame the younger, so he really hopes that isn’t the case.

The warm water helps a bit to soothe his sore throat, and to finish waking him up, but he still isn’t fully recovered and he knows it. He recalls Jinyoung’s words asking him to get better for himself and his mother, which is completely true and for that reason Jaebeom decides he needs to stay home resting for today to get better. He goes back inside his room to search for his mobile phone. Obviously, the battery is dead so he has to plug it and wait for it to turn on. To make good use of his time, he decides to take a warm shower and get in comfortable clothes while he waits.

By the time he’s back in sweatpants and a large t-shirt, his phone is on again with a dozen of notifications; from Kakao notifications to missed calls. He starts by calling back his aunt.

“Imo, I’m sorry, I was sleeping. The cold was worse than I thought,” Jaebeom immediately says when his aunt picks up the phone. “I’m home right now.”

“ _Are you okay? Did you get treated yesterday? Are you alone at home?”_

“I’m better, but I still think it’s good if I stay home today to get more rest and fully recover. I’m taking medicine so I should be all better soon. And yes, I’m alone,” he answers, knowing today not even the maid will come home as she only comes every other day except on Sundays. His father hired her after his mother got in the accident to keep the house, but Jaebeom doesn’t even know her name. “There’s food though, so don’t worry about that.”

“ _If you need anything, and I mean_ anything _, call me, okay?”_ His aunt requests and Jaebeom smiles, sitting on the edge of his queen size bed.

“Will do, imo _._ I also called to know how’s eomma doing today. Any change?”

“ _No,”_ his aunt answers with a sigh. “ _And I really don’t like the doctor. She is void of any emotion! I can’t believe you’ve been dealing with her. I told her she’s dealing with people, people in a lot of pain and fear, not just the patients she’s treating._ ” His aunt scoffs and Jaebeom chuckles, imagining his aunt scolding the doctor. “ _I can’t believe a doctor can be that cold.”_

“Maybe sickness and fear mean nothing to her as that’s all she sees, every day,” Jaebeom suggests, grateful he never felt tempted to become a doctor himself. “Anyhow, thanks for keeping an eye on eomma. I’ll be there tomorrow.”

_“Come when you’re all better yourself, Jaebeomie. I’m here to look after your mother, so you don’t have to worry now and just make sure to rest a lot.”_

“Thank you, imo,” say Jaebeom from the bottom of his heart.

After hanging up with his aunt, he replies to his friends who were worried because he didn’t give any sign to be alive since the day before. He tells them he’s just at home with a cold and he’s planning on going back to sleep after taking his medicine. Obviously, they show their concern and wish him a speedy recovery. Youngjae offers to be at his door immediately, but Jaebeom refuses vehemently, saying he just needs to sleep. It takes a while to persuade his cousin, though.

Knowing he can’t take medicine with an empty stomach, he goes back to the kitchen to get anything, checking what’s on the fridge and he’s surprised to find a bowl covered in transparent plastic with a note on it. He retrieves it from the fridge and reads the piece of paper.

_Make sure to eat before taking your medicine. Get better soon, hyung!_

_—Jinyoung_

Jaebeom is incredibly surprised to find porridge in the bowl and to know Jinyoung left it for him. He wonders how long the younger stayed at his place, even cooking for him. He’s just a bit put off by how comfortable Jinyoung made himself in Jaebeom’s place, but at the same time he’s touched for all that concern and the trouble.

For that reason, Jaebeom heats the porridge in the microwave and then sits to eat it calmly. It’s not bad but it isn’t the best thing he has tried either, but that can be because with a cold everything tastes bland. Still, Jaebeom is thankful and eats all of it before rinsing the plates and putting them in the dishwasher. With his stomach full, Jaebeom takes his medicine and checks his temperature, glad it’s within a normal range. He brushes his teeth and brings a jar with water and a glass to put it on his nightstand before getting in bed again. 

As he lies in bed, realising he’s tired from just being up for an hour or so, he wonders how Jinyoung is doing and wishing he could contact the younger, just to thank him for helping him out and to know if he got in trouble at the hospital again.

Jinyoung might not feel indebted to Jaebeom, but that’s not the case for him. For the first time, he wishes to run into Jinyoung again, just to thank him for what he did and do something in return. As he starts to drift into unconsciousness, Jaebeom decides that once he gets better and goes to the hospital, he’s going to ask what Park Jinyoung’s room is, and pay him a visit.

_______________

The next time Jaebeom wakes up is already nighttime but he is feeling a lot better, still he eats something and takes his medicine, staying in bed but awake. He checks on his mother and aunt and reports to his friends, informing them he’s feeling much better.

Jaebeom stares at his contact list, wishing he had Jinyoung’s Kakao ID at least, but then that would mean getting closer and Jaebeom isn’t so sure that’s what he wants. Given, he’s grateful, but Jinyoung seems like a complication he doesn’t have the energy to deal with. If they get closer, then Jaebeom will naturally worry about him and he really doesn’t need anyone else at the brisk of death in his life. He already worries that he might've gotten in trouble because of him, he doesn’t need more than that. That’s why he decides that he won’t get Jinyoung’s contact information and after he thanks the younger, he’ll continue hoping they don’t cross paths again.

With that decision, Jaebeom decides to focus on something else because he’s slept enough for the day, or that he thinks but apparently he’s more tired than he even realised. As he takes some of the papers he’s supposed to read for his class, he ends up falling asleep again, not waking up until the next morning. Thankfully, when he wakes up he only feels the discomfort that comes from sleeping too much, his body aching to move and _do_ _something_.

Listening to that request, Jaebeom gets up, showers and gets dressed for the day. It’s Saturday so he doesn’t have classes and he can head to the hospital immediately. He takes the bus as it’s past ten in the morning. When he gets off the bus, he stops by a coffee shop from one of the big chains to get breakfast for himself and his aunt, and then goes inside the hospital. 

However, instead of immediately going to his mother’s room, he stops by the reception to talk with one of the nurses.

“Good morning,” he greets politely and smiling kindly. “Um, I wanted to ask about another patient’s room number. His name is Park Jinyoung.”

“Are you relative of the patient?” She asks and Jaebeom shakes his head.

The nurse types the name and looks at the screen of her computer intently, but her expression furrows her brow before looking up and meeting Jaebeom’s eyes.

“Currently we don’t have any patient admitted under that name in this ward.”

“Really?” Jaebeom asks, confused. “Maybe he got discharged yesterday? He is a… friend. He sneaked out Thursday night to help me get home because I was running a high fever. Maybe that rings a bell?” The young man insists, and watches the nurse look more into it, but the expression on the woman’s face doesn’t change. Still she tries again.

“I’m sorry, but there’s no register of such behaviour. And the last patient we had under that names was last week and he got discharged on Monday morning. There’s another patient with that name, but I doubt he’s your friend. He’s been admitted for months already in the common room.”

The nurse looks apologetic, her kind eyes sorry she can’t help him more, so Jaebeom smiles and shakes his head. “It’s okay, I must be mistaken then. Thank you anyway.”

The nurse just nods as Jaebeom turns on his heels and walks towards his mother’s room, but his head is filled with Jinyoung, wondering what happened. Could it have been that he never came back to the hospital? No, then there would be some register of his presence. Unless he is the Park Jinyoung admitted last week, which would explain why they met on Wednesday night under the rain, but not why he was in hospital pyjamas on Thursday afternoon.

No, it just doesn’t make sense. Jaebeom knows Jinyoung is an odd guy, but even in his crazy behaviour there’s some logic, that Jaebeom got to know, so he doesn’t think the younger man is crazy enough as to just wear a hospital pyjamas for the sake of it, it’s not fashionable or that comfortable. But then again, Jaebeom doesn’t really know Jinyoung, maybe he _is_ the type to wear a hospital pyjama and pretend to be a patient just for the sake of it, to experience feeling like he’s about to die or something he can’t possibly fathom. 

Jaebeom doesn’t realise he’s at his mother’s room door until he literally bumps into it. The collision works to break through his thoughts and realise he was getting too caught in that. He shakes his head to shrug the thoughts off and focus on what truly matters: his mother.

Thankful he didn’t spill the coffee he bought for his aunt and himself. Jaebeom slides the door open, wearing a smile and pushing all Jinyoung related thoughts to the furthest corner of his mind, to dal with it later, if he has time or energy for that. For now, he’ll focus on his mother and aunt, making up for the day he missed for being sick.


	10. emotional chaos

More than a week since Jaebeom got a cold and Jinyoung took him home goes by without seeing the younger man. For some odd reason, Jaebeom did think they would run into each other again, randomly as it had been happening lately, but that’s not the case. Actually, not running into him was what Jaebeom wanted before, but now that he’s not seen any of Jinyoung, unable to properly thank him for taking care of him, Jaebeom does feel somehow blue.

On the bright side, Jaebeom is completely recovered from his cold.

On the even darker side, his mother has made no improvement. Before, the fact she was hanging on was a glimmer of hope, but now the doctors tell him that if she continues like that, the damage _if_ she ever wakes up, will be too much. Doctors advise not to extend the coma for more than three months, recommending the guardians to give up hope after twelve weeks.

“What about those cases of people who wake up after years in coma?” Jaebeom’s aunt demands to know when the doctor comes to tell them as it’s been ten weeks since the accident.

“Those are extremely rare cases, ma’am,” the doctor explains. “Chances are that she won’t ever wake up. If she does, there’s an incredibly higher chance she’ll be disabled both physically and mentally. Even those rare cases of patients waking up after years face severe consequences. Moreover, not all patients in coma are the same, and the damage this patient bears is not promising at all.”

Jaebeom balls his fists, trying to understand completely the rational and cruel words of the doctor and not to snap. It feels like the doctor is coaxing them to give up, and Jaebeom cannot feel it is for his mother’s sake but because she is tired of them and wants to get rid of her patient and stubborn guardians. He is aware his assumption is farfetched, but when the expression of the doctor is tired, cold and almost fed up with how insistent the guardians are being, he cannot help himself.

“I’m not saying you have to make a decision now, you can keep her connected for years if you so desire, we are capable of forcing her body to stay functioning,” the doctor continues as if she could somewhat understand what they are feeling, but still failing at comforting them. “I’m just reminding you that every day that passes and the patient doesn’t wake up it’s adding up to the complications she’ll face if she ever wakes up. I kindly suggest to consider what’s best for the patient, and not just what you want.”

Jaebeom’s aunt huffs so indignantly and he can understand why, he feels deeply offended that the doctor is implying they are forcing his mother to endure a torture, putting her through a terrible ordeal. They did nothing! They just want her back with them, that’s all.

“Get out of here,” Jaebeom’s aunt mutters through gritted teeth, doing her best to control her temper. Jaebeom holds her, not so much for her but also to focus on something else, not just his feelings and how wounded he is, how angry he feels. “Get out and don’t come back until you grow a heart and learn what sympathy is!”

It probably isn’t the first time the doctor gets yelled like that, because she just sighs and bows her head before turning around and walking away. 

Jaebeom focuses on his aunt, wrapping his arms around her to ground her and comfort her. She’s breathing hard and is visibly upset, mumbling her thoughts about the cruel and cold doctor. His own emotions wait on hold, until his aunt can pull herself together.

It’s not the first time Jaebeom hears such lecture, actually it is very common by now. The longer his mother doesn’t show any signs of improvement, the more frequent the lecture becomes. He’s used to it, kind of. He can control his reaction better, by now. His aunt, on the other hand, hasn’t dealt with the doctors scolding her for holding on to the hope her sister might wake up one day.

“It’s okay, imo _._ We don't have to listen to them, they can suggest anything they want, but we make the decision at the end. We have the means to keep eomma here for as long as she needs, until she wakes up because she’ll wake up,” he speaks, still hugging his aunt and patting her back rhythmically.

When it was only him, Jaebeom only had to deal with his emotions when the doctor paid a visit, now he feels he has to play pretence because his aunt is here and for some reason, he feels like he needs to be responsible for her, stronger enough to hold her when she’s upset.

Jaebeom feels exhausted to the bone.

“My poor Jaebeomie,” his aunt calls after a few minutes, when she’s collected herself. “I can’t believe I made you console me when this must be equally upsetting for you. I’m so sorry, my kid,” she continues, turning to look at Jaebeom, her hand cupping his cheek and her eyes filled with sorrow. 

Jaebeom shakes his head, not wanting her to feel guilty for losing control of her emotions. It’s hard for him, every time it’s hard, but Jaebeom is an introvert and he doesn’t feel comfortable letting others seeing him losing control of his emotions. He shoves them to the back of his mind until he can deal with what he’s feeling when he’s alone, and his emotions always stay within him.

“It’s okay, I’ve heard this before,” he reassures his aunt but she only looks more troubled, worried and sympathetic, sorry that he has to go through all this.

“Your mother will wake up, she’ll prove that doctor wrong because she’s strong and no matter the consequences, she’ll overcome it all,” his aunt promises and there’s such conviction, such determination in his voice that Jaebeom feels reassured and warmer.

His smile is natural as he feels a bit more relieved, realising it’s okay if he has to hold back and worry about supporting his aunt for a moment, she gives back with her support and optimism. 

“Why don’t you go home?” His aunt suggests. “You must feel upset, too, so go take a walk, breathe some fresh air and then go and get some rest. You have classes tomorrow, it’s not good you stay so late here with us.”

“Will you be all right? I can stay longer if—”

“I’m fine,” she interrupts him, smiling kindly. “Go, meet a friend. You need to get distracted.”

Jaebeom is reluctant to go, it feels odd his aunt is pushing him, so he looks closely into her eyes, trying to find something else and he understands what’s happening. She doesn’t want him to look after her, too. She came to help him out and look after her sister, not to be a burden for Jaebeom when he already has so much to deal with. That’s why she’s asking him to step out, so he doesn’t worry about her and can actually breathe.

His aunt is kind, and Jaebeom doesn’t want to make her feel guilty for something she cannot control, and only for that he agrees.

“Okay, I’ll go home then. I’ll come tomorrow after class,” he promises, watching the smile spread across his aunt’s face.

Before leaving, though, Jaebeom approaches his mother’s bed who is like every other day, unresponsive and just there… sleeping. He smiles with the sadness that fills his heart when he watches her on her bed, as still as if she were actually dead. She doesn’t have body reactions to any sort of stimulus, so one could actually think she’s dead. The moment she’s disconnected from any of the machines, she’s gone. That thought alone constricts Jaebeom’s heart so tight that even breathing becomes too hard, he feels weak and about to fall. He has to push hard to stay put and not break down at the hopeless sight.

“Don’t listen to the doctor,” Jaebeom whispers, patting his mother’s head so gently, pulling her fringe away ever so gently. “We’ll wait as long as you need to wake up, okay? Don’t be afraid of what we’ll have to face next, just wake up. I’ll never let go of you.”

If it were a movie or a drama, in that moment his mother would have some sort of reaction. A slight movement of her finger, a fluttering of her eyelids, a pike in her heartbeat, anything to answer her son’s heartfelt plea. But this is real life and no matter how fervently he asks her to wake up, his mother doesn’t react in any way.

Feeling defeated and so tired, Jaebeom sighs and kisses his mother’s forehead before pulling back, with a sad smile that does’t reach his eyes. He doesn’t even dare to look at his aunt, bowing his head in goodbye as he walks out of the room.

The fear and hopelessness weight heavier in his heart as he walks the sterile and long halls of the hospital, taking the lift with many other people to get to the hall. Jaebeom keeps his head low and turns the baseball cap he’s wearing that day to pull it down a bit more, hiding his face from view. His eyes sting with unshed tears, his throat is tight with questions he doesn’t dare to ask out loud, questions born out of sheer terror of what could happen, and worse, what could not happen.

To clear his head somehow, Jaebeom walks but his mistake is not listening to music as he does. He sinks in himself, feeling like he’s becoming smaller and smaller with every step, the weight of the doctor’s words and accusation shoving him to the ground.

There’s guilt, too. Guilt that maybe he’s being selfish. Maybe his mother doesn’t want to wake up, maybe that’s why she doesn’t improve, because she wants to leave, because it’s too hard and he’s forcing her to stay here because he can’t let her go. Maybe the doctor is right, even in her cruel and unsympathetic attitude, telling him that prolonging this situation is not the best for his mother.

But what if? 

What if his mother wakes up? 

      What if she just needs a little bit longer? 

How can Jaebeom live if he decides to let her go, always asking what if he had waited a bit more? 

Jaebeom doesn’t realise where he’s going, his mind is too preoccupied with thoughts in every direction, fighting each other and confusing him. He doesn’t realise how reckless he’s being until he hears a loud and warning honk, making him snap out of his trance to find himself in the middle of the street, a car in front of him… a car that could’ve run him over.

The young man apologises with a bow and hurries to cross the street, chastising himself for not being careful. He could’ve gotten in an accident and that wouldn’t have helped anyone.

With a heavy and guilty sigh, Jaebeom looks up and realises he’s a few metres from a bridge that crosses the Hangang. Without thinking, he heads there hoping the view and the strong wind will help him find some comfort and calm that he so desperately needs in that moment. Once the river helped him when he felt like he was losing his mind, perhaps it can do the same now.

He walks forward, to his left the cars, busses and trucks passing by at high speed. To his right, the sun in the horizon, painting the clouds of a caramel orange. The wind is strong and it helps with the heat of the first day of October. There’re still some remains of summer clinging to Seoul.

In the middle of the bridge there’s a viewer, and Jaebeom stops there to appreciate the landscape more calmly, staring at the vast river ahead, flowing unstoppable and stable, in its journey to the sea. Everything looks warmer with the sunset, the postcard view breathtaking and soothing. Jaebeom lets the view in front of him, with the little boats in the water, the many people by the riverside, the torrent of automobiles behind him, consume him. He closes his eyes and breathes in deeply, the many sounds of the city louder than his thoughts, his fears and worries. 

Louder than his guilt.

In that moment Jaebeom merges with the city’s lullaby, becoming part of the picturesque scenery and disappearing if only for a few seconds. It’s a small escape, but not less blissful for that.

Until he’s brought back.

“Fancy seeing you here. Not thinking of jumping, are you?” A voice calls, a voice that is already familiar yet still startles Jaebeom.

He turns to his right and finds Jinyoung sitting on the rail, his back to the river and his eyes fixed on Jaebeom, a smirk that’s too casual, too friendly and familiar as someone throwing a running joke with the ease of old friends. His features are fresh and amicable as always, handsome and somewhat healthy. He looks better than any other time, in his loose jeans and minimalist sweatshirt with just a word written across his chest. His black hair, longer than the last time they saw each other, flying in every direction as he continues smiling at Jaebeom.

“Not me. Are you thinking of jumping?” Jaebeom asks back, not breaking the eye contact with the younger man by his side.

Jinyoung’s smile widens and there’s a glimmer of secrecy in his eyes when he answers, “Not now. Today I’m here for you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love the chapter that's coming! So wait eagerly for that. More comments always motivate me to update sooner.


	11. breakdown

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been so busy and tired I haven't had time to update. I blame it on the almost four hours I commute every day to work. Anyhow, enjoy this chapter. I truly love it.

Jinyoung’s smile is wide and honest, warm in a way Jaebeom could never expect of someone like the younger man. Jinyoung smiles like someone who’s happy with life, who is content and wouldn’t change anything, someone who accepts everything life throws at him, someone strong and determined. Like someone who isn’t anything like the boy Jaebeom’s gotten to know.

“How did you find me?” Jaebeom asks, suspicion rising in his guts. 

“I wasn’t stalking you if that’s what you were wondering,” Jinyoung replies easily, looking ahead, to all the cars passing by while leaning back casually, his hands on the rail but they don’t seem to be of any support. “I came here just because, I don’t really think of the places I go, I just… go. I was here and I saw you and you looked like someone who lost everything in life.”

Jaebeom sighs, feeling drained of all energy again as his worries and thoughts come back at him. Jinyoung isn’t a distraction for his inner chaos, the city has spit him out and he’s left to deal with his emotions that are too much for him. It’s months of bottling things up, it feels now the contents reached the brim. 

Overwhelmed and scared he might tear up in front of someone he barely knows, Jaebeom turns away and focuses on the sunset.

“I haven’t lost anything yet… but I might have to let go of something too important,” Jaebeom whispers, too low for anyone to hear when the sun is barely setting and the city sings louder than his voice.

“Do you have to?” Jinyoung asks and Jaebeom turns so fast to stare at the younger, surprised he actually heard him. Jinyoung meets his eyes without turning his head, but Jaebeom can see the little smile that confirms that yes, he heard him.

“How…?” He doesn’t finish the question, squinting to see Jinyoung better, that odd guy who keeps surprising him. He is just there, sitting on the rail so casually as if he didn’t show up out of nowhere, as if he couldn’t hear Jaebeom’s whispers meant to be carried away by the wind without anyone listening to them.

“Unless forced, you don’t have to let go of the things you don’t want to,” Jinyoung continues, smiling more kindly this time. “Is someone forcing you?”

Jaebeom takes a deep breath, feeling his throat closing up because part of him feels pressured to let go of his mother and the hope she might wake up. And here is Jinyoung, reminding him that he doesn’t have to do that if he doesn’t want to.

“Could you talk to me without sitting on the rail?” Jaebeom asks instead of speaking about the issue. Jinyoung can hear his whispers so now his thoughts are only save in his head.

“Oh, why? Does is scare you I might fall?” Jinyoung taunts, humour in his voice and it is reflected in his grin as he starts to lean back, face mocking as his eyes widen. “Oh, oh, oh!” He exclaims and Jaebeom feels his body paralysing with fear as Jinyoung tilts backwards, dangerously.

“STOP THAT!” Jaebeom screams, jumping to life and moving, his arms reaching for Jinyoung immediately, wrapping around the slim waist and holding him. His own body slots between the younger’s legs and Jaebeom just holds on to him for dear life, keeping him from falling.

“Ei~,” Jinyoung laughs. “I wasn’t going to fall, my feet keep me hooked,” he continues but Jaebeom doesn’t let go. “Is this just an excuse to hug me? You needn’t to, just asking is enough. I’m very generous with my hugs.”

Jaebeom doesn’t pull back, his heart is hammering just in fear at the idea of seeing Jinyoung die. Seeing anyone die terrifies him because it’s a reminder of how his mother is with one foot in the afterlife. That fear of losing his mother is taking the best of him, all his feelings and emotions go haywire. He’s choked and overwhelmed, scared and lonely. He hasn’t let people comfort him, not really. He’s born all the burden on his own and he’s exhausted. There’s warmth now surrounding him and Jaebeom just can’t pull back, his knees are weak and he’s drained. He’s heartbroken and lost.

Jaebeom actually needs a hug.

He buries his face in Jinyoung’s chest and holds on to him tighter, keeping the young man from falling, even if it’s accidentally, and also keeping his face hidden because he can feel it, the burning of tears that cannot be contained anymore.

“Hyung?” Jinyoung calls softer this time, probably noticing Jaebeom’s slight tremors and how he hugs the younger tighter. 

“What if holding on to her is only hurting her more?” Jaebeom whispers, his voice broken like his heart. 

Jinyoung doesn’t ask whom Jaebeom is talking about, instead, the younger wraps his arms around Jaebeom too, leaning closer and offering comfort that makes Jaebeom come undone right on the spot, on the bridge of the Hangang, hugging the oddest person he’s ever met, someone who doesn’t really know him.

“That’s not something anyone can tell you,” Jinyoung mutters, pressing his cheek against Jaebeom’s top of his head, embracing him so tightly as if like that he could keep all the pieces together, as if he could keep Jaebeom from falling apart.

It almost works.

“They say…” Jaebeom begins, but his voice breaks and he chokes against Jinyoung’s chest. The younger doesn’t push him and waits patiently until Jaebeom can continue. “They say with every day that goes by it’ll only make it worse if she wakes up. That we shouldn’t keep her for more than three months…” he explains, his heart twisting in the most painful way. “It would be more merciful to let her go instead of holding on to her, keeping her here because we can’t let her go is cruel.”

Jinyoung hums, one of his hands rubbing comforting circles on Jaebeom’s back, the other gently stroking the hair at the back of his head.

“I don’t know your mother, but you do, better than any doctor. What do you think she’d like?” Jinyoung asks ever so softly.

Jaebeom doesn’t move his head, still hiding in Jinyoung and trying to think, but it escapes him. He’s too biased to think objectively and trying to imagine what his mother would want.

“What would you want?” Jaebeom asks and too late he realises he asked the wrong person.

“If it were me, I would want to be let go. Can you imagine what it’s like to be in that situation? Not here but not there, in a sort of limbo. Maybe being conscious but not able to reach? A painless way to agonise but no one hears you scream for help.”

Jaebeom feels cold to the bone when Jinyoung puts it like that, making him imagine his mother conscious at some level, but not in the same realm as he is, crying to move on but he’s desperately clinging to her, forcing her to stay there, in that limbo as Jinyoung puts it.

“Maybe it’s not a matter of whether we want to wake up or not,” Jinyoung continues. “Certainly, we can’t go on our own.”

Jaebeom’s breath hitches, holding Jinyoung so tight he must be hurting the other man, but he can’t help himself as he thinks that maybe his mother wants to leave, but she can’t because he’s stopping her.

“Or maybe she wants to wake up and she can’t,” Jinyoung adds right when Jaebeom felt he was about to lose it. “I am someone who has nothing to hold on in this life, I would want to go. But your mother has a son that loves her so deeply and who is waiting for her. She has someone to wake up for. Maybe she just can’t and she can’t tell you to wait a bit more.”

“H-how… how can I know?” Jaebeom breathes out so lowly that he is sure Jinyoung won’t hear him this time. “What if… what if I give up but she could’ve waken up if we just waited one more day? How can I ever be at ease if I make the choice to let her go?”

“There’s no way to know how,” Jinyoung answers honestly. “We are not psychics or anything, doctors speak from statistics but those are just a more likely outcome, not the definite one. There’s also a slim chance they might be wrong,” the younger continues. “Do you think your mother would give up on you?”

“No, she’d never give up on me,” Jaebeom knows that, because just as cold as her marriage was, she always said how Jaebeom was the best thing to happen to her. He was her biggest joy, her best accomplishment… she’d never give up on him.

          “Then that means she wouldn’t give up on her life because it would mean leaving you alone.” 

Jaebeom feels Jinyoung moving, pulling apart from the embrace and he allows the younger to pull back, his hands on Jaebeom’s shoulders to keep him at arm length and meet his eyes. Jaebeom is crying and Jinyoung smiles with sympathy but also optimism. 

“Wait for her, that’s what you want and what you need. Maybe someone will give her a push and make her come back to you,” Jinyoung suggests with a little smile. “Wherever she is right now, I’m sure she can’t be alone.”

“How…?”

“Humans are never alone,” Jinyoung replies without needing Jaebeom to finish his question. “You know? I have a feeling your mother will wake up soon,” continues the young man, lifting his right hand to wipe the tears on Jaebeom’s face with his thumb, a warm yet small smile on his lips, his eyes kind and thoughtful. “Now that you’ve let go a bit of the burden I think there’s more space for hope and good energies within you.”

Jaebeom blinks, caught in Jinyoung’s gaze, his arms still loosely around his frame, keeping him close. He hasn’t fallen apart in front of anyone, not like this. Jaebeom rarely cries and if he does it’s never in front of others. Tears are a sign of weakness in his eyes, proof that he cannot control his own emotions and he’s losing his grip. It’s the first time since his mother’s accident that he’s lost control and has let someone else see him break down. When he was told about his mother’s accident he was cold to the bone, he couldn’t believe it. He screamed, begged the doctor to save his mother, yelled at the driver and wanted to punch someone, but he didn’t cry. He couldn’t until days later, when everything sunk in and he realised the new situation, when he was alone except from his comatose mother. He cried like a little baby back then.

This… this is the first time he cries in front of someone, letting that person comfort him and wipe his tears. The first time in a long, long time. Only his mother did this before, when he was a kid and he couldn’t control his emotions with his iron grip.

“Do you feel any better? Even a little bit?” Jinyoung asks, brushing Jaebeom’s hair away from his forehead in the tenderest caress that feels so soft, so kind and warm. It feels like Jinyoung’s caresses are slowly and carefully picking up his pieces and handing them to him to put them back together, encouraging him, telling him he can do it.

“A bit,” Jaebeom accepts softly and watches how the smile on Jinyoung’s lips spreads wider and happier.

Jaebeom smiles tentatively, still somewhat broken, but it’s there as he continues staring at Jinyoung against a now dark sky, starless and infinitely vast, like the river bellow. Jinyoung, with his pale skin and his warm smile is a stark contrast with the night sky now that the sun is completely gone from he day. And as Jaebeom stares he’s struck with a thought that isn’t unfamiliar, but that comes with strength that leaves him breathless:

_Jinyoung is so beautiful._


	12. thankful

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Merry Christmas or happy holidays! (whatever suits you, my friend). I hope you're having a good time with your family or friends. If you're in the north part of the Globe, look after yourself. Winter is here~~~ If you're in the souther hemisphere, look after sunburns and all that. Enjoy the summer!
> 
> I bring a new chapter and hopefully next year, as I'll be moving to a new place, things will be more stable as I won't spend so many hours commuting or dying after work hehehe.
> 
> Happy reading!

       

“Do you need to hold for a little longer?” Jinyoung asks, his eyes are kind and soft as he stares at Jaebeom and how he slowly pulls himself together. Carefully, he wipes the path the tears of the older left with his thumbs, keeping a warm smile that’s everything but judging, henceforth, everything that Jaebeom needs in that moment.

He broke down in front of a stranger and it’s extremely embarrassing standing up again in front of him. Moreover, Jaebeom is still holding the younger, not as tightly as before, but his arms around still around his frame and he feels reluctant to let go. Honestly, Jaebeom is still doing poorly, he feels unstable and shaken so the comfort from Jinyoung’s presence and warmth are addictive and necessary. He doesn’t feel ready to let go, yet he’s aware every second that passes and he doesn’t let go will make it more embarrassing later.

“Just a bit longer,” Jaebeom accepts in a whisper, lowering his head to avoid looking Jinyoung in the eyes.

The younger doesn’t reply verbally, instead he pulls Jaebeom closer so he’s resting his face in Jinyoung’s chest. The older lets himself be manhandled and just leans on the other man, making sure Jinyoung won’t slip and fall backwards or any other tragic outcome. He keeps Jinyoung anchored and he keeps Jaebeom in one piece.

There are countless thoughts in his head, mostly about his mother and wondering if Jinyoung is right, if she might wake up soon. Another big part of his mind thinks how it is that he ended up opening up to Jinyoung, clinging to him and even crying. Is it because it was Jinyoung the one in front of him or is it just because he had been bottling it up for so long that he just exploded, regardless of whom was in front of him?

The latter makes more sense for Jaebeom.

Regardless of the reason, Jaebeom has to accept it helped him enormously. Jinyoung held him and kept all the pieces of him together even as Jaebeom shattered in his arms. The older knows he’s full of cracks all over, but no piece is missing and that’s thanks to the other man. He feels lighter, like there’s actual space in his lungs for air and he can finally breathe in without feeling like he was suffocating, so that’s definitely something.

Jaebeom starts to feel more relaxed and at the same time exhausted in that way you start to fall asleep anywhere. His eyelids are heavy and Jinyoung’s body warmth is soothing and relaxing, so he feels  himself starting to drift off, which isn’t surprising after he let go of so much so fast. Jinyoung’s soft caresses on his back and hair are not helping Jaebeom stay awake.

“I think I should get going,” Jaebeom comments, pulling back carefully because he’s still reluctant and because sleep is making him slow like a sloth.

The sunset is over, all around them is dark and although he isn’t aware of the track of time in Jinyoung’s arms and with his world falling apart, he can assume it’s pretty late. Furthermore, it’s time to pull apart and stand on his own.

“Are you okay now?” Jinyoung asks, his hands on Jaebeom’s shoulders keeping him in place.

“Not okay, but better,” Jaebeom answers honestly. There’s no way for him to be all right in his current situation, and although he would normally keep the truth to himself, Jinyoung’s already seen what big of a mess he is right now, so there’s no point in lying.

“As long as you don’t get in any accident on your way back,” Jinyoung comments still smiling in that reassuring way that helps Jaebeom feel stronger than he is in that moment.

“Or you,” Jaebeom points out and without asking anything, he just firmly grabs Jinyoung by his waist and lifts him, taking him away from the rail and making him land softly on his feet.

Jinyoung lets out a surprised scream, grabbing Jaebeom’s shoulders tighter, but when he lands his laughter is joyful and so amused.

“I felt like a ballerina for a second,” the younger laughs. “I should’ve given up all my other dreams and pursued ballet.”

“Instead of what? What did you pursue?” Jaebeom asks, smiling amused at the younger’s offhanded comment.

“Uhh…” Jinyoung stops, brow slightly knitted together as he thinks. “Nothing.”

“Seriously? You don’t do anything with your life aside from appreciating heights?” Jaebeom asks, curious about the boy in front of him and unable to stop himself. “Do you even go to university? What do you do?”

“Uhh… nothing? Right now I just… hang in there.” Jinyoung shrugs as if nothing, a sheepish smile oh his lips, the tip of his ears slightly red with embarrassment. “Nothing ever caught my attention and nobody pushed me to do anything with my life. I guess everyone knew I had no attachment to my life so why bother doing anything with it?”

“It could’ve given you a reason to feel attached to your life,” Jaebeom inputs, watching the boy in front of him with new eyes. 

As much detached as Jinyoung is, suicidal tendencies and all, he should have someone who encourages him to enjoy life, to do something. How could his family or friends abandon him like that?

“Do you enjoy anything aside from heights?”

“I like reading,” the younger replies with a shrug, making the situation a lot more casual than it is. “But I won’t make a life out of reading.”

“That’s a worry someone who cares about the future would say,” Jaebeom comments, making Jinyoung flustered for a second for catching him saying such thing. “If you don’t care whether you live or not, shouldn’t you just do what you do enjoy?”

“I do,” Jinyoung replies confidently, his expression serious. “I don’t need to go to uni or get a job or anything to enjoy reading, but I do not have dreams, hyung. I know you’re trying to make me think I have one or something, but I don’t. There’s nothing _I_ want to do tomorrow or the day after.”

Listening to Jinyoung saying that makes Jaebeom sad, seeing someone without a dream, without anything they want is heartbreaking. He could point out how Jinyoung does want to die, but considering death as someone’s dream is too depressive for Jaebeom right now, so he stays quiet.

This is what he didn’t want, this concern he feels for Jinyoung right now, wanting to help him find _something_ that will give him some sort of motivation in life. This desire to do something for the younger. Jaebeom is overwhelmed with his own situation, he’s oversensitive to death right now. He wanted distance from Jinyoung, he didn’t want to care or anything, but somehow the younger has made his way and stopped being a stranger for Jaebeom, to the point he truly cares if the younger success at killing himself one day. He hopes it won’t happen.

“Anyway,” Jinyoung speaks again because Jaebeom doesn’t know what else to say in that situation, and he’s struggling with the realisation that now he cares about the boy in front of him. “You should get going. Where are you heading to?” He questions, his head turning to one end of the bridge and then to the other, a finger in the air, undecided.

Jaebeom points to his right, hoping it isn’t late enough that the trains have stopped so he can go home without having to take a taxi. There are less chances to get in an accident in the subway.

“I’ll walk you to the end of the bridge,” Jinyoung offers, wearing the kind smile again and turning in that direction.

Jaebeom doesn’t refuse and instead catches up with Jinyoung, matching the younger’s steps and walking alongside, heading south to finish crossing the river.

“Hey, I didn’t properly thank you for helping me the other day with my cold,” Jaebeom speaks, remembering that now and realising he keeps getting indebted to Jinyoung. “I asked for you in the hospital the next day, but they didn’t have a patient under your name that was awake or that had gotten into trouble for sneaking out.”

“I didn’t get in trouble for that.”

“Tell me the truth, were you in the psychiatric ward?” Jaebeom asks in a teasing tone, but Jinyoung doesn’t smile.

“It’s complicated,” the younger says and Jaebeom doesn’t pry because their friendship is just starting, it’s still unusual and not solid enough.

“I’m glad you didn’t get in trouble, though. And I’m really thankful for what you did that day, and for today as well. I—I was having a hard time and you helped me a lot, both times. I guess I just want to say, thank you, sincerely.”

Jinyoung turns his head to look at Jaebeom with a curious expression, as if measuring the honesty of his words, so the older tries to show he really means it by stopping and bowing his head to the younger. The latter is clearly surprised at such reaction, even a bit flustered, he looks as if he didn’t know what to do.

“I um… I guess we are even. Not like I needed your help when you pulled me back those times,” Jinyoung comments, looking away and scratching the back of his head nervously. “But for caring enough to do something and trying to stop me, even if there was no need for it.”

“Still, if you need anything, let me know. I'm indebted to you,” Jaebeom insists, trying to smile confidently. “If you need anyone to talk to, or a distraction, even someone to pull you back when you feel like jumping… count on me.”

Jinyoung only blinks at him, his lips slightly parted in surprised for the offer. Honestly, Jaebeom is also surprised he’s holding up his hand for Jinyoung, someone who clearly won’t be easy to deal with, someone that will wear him out with worry, someone who one day might just disappear without an explanation. Jaebeom is offering his friendship, sincerely, and it surprises both of them. He doesn’t know if the younger has had someone to offer to hold him back when he wants to jump, someone who’s willing to run and yank him back to the ground, maybe that’s why he looks so surprised. Jaebeom did it before when they didn’t know each other, now he’s offering himself to do it every time it’s needed, running faster if he can.

“Th-thank you,” Jinyoung mutters, pulling himself together and standing straighter, looking at Jaebeom with an intensity that pulls something inside the older’s body. “I um… I need to get going now,” the younger adds even when they haven’t reached the end of the bridge. “I need to find someone.”

Jaebeom tilts his head because Jinyoung has given him the impression like he has no one. Still, he doesn’t question it and just nods his head.

“And hyung… things will get better, you’ll see.”

“Thank you,” he replies, appreciating the hopeful words. “I’ll see you soon, right?”

“Yeah,” Jinyoung smiles widely and with something mischievous in his eyes, as if he’s hiding a secret only he knows that amuses him greatly. “I’ll show up in front of you when you least expect it.”

“As long as it isn’t at the edge of any rooftop building, I'm fine,” Jaebeom smiles.

“Can’t promise anything,” the younger laughs and Jaebeom does it with him, not believing they are talking about it like that.

What’s gotten into him, seriously?

“Get home safe, hyung.”

“You too. Good luck finding that person and doing whatever you have to do,” Jaebeom wishes, smiling kindly and waving his hand goodbye.

“Thanks,” Jinyoung smiles, bowing his head slightly in goodbye before turning around and running up north.

Jaebeom stays a few more seconds, watching Jinyoung running to wherever he needs to be now. The smile stays in his lips, even when he turns around and checks the time, realising he still has an hour before the trains stop running. He heads home with a lighter heart and a less overwhelmed mind, feeling a bit stronger to carry on and it’s all thanks to Jinyoung. Who could’ve thought that the crazy guy he tried to save one day would help him so much?

Life surely works in very mysterious and odd ways.


	13. response

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy New Year, everyone!! I hope 2018 is a better year, that we grow wiser and stronger and that we don't get discouraged for the unavoidable bad things that will happen. My best wishes for you all.
> 
> With that said, I bring a new chapter that, I personally find, very hopeful. Enjoy!

        Jaebeom’s dreams are odd, not because he dreams of his mother’s accident, but because Jinyoung is in the accident. In his nightmares, Jaebeom can never move and save his mother, he’s always somehow stuck, but this time Jinyoung is right there, running past him, towards his mother’s car. Jaebeom watches him working to open the damaged driver’s door, unbuckling the seatbelt and taking his mother away from the turned car. Jaebeom’s mother is unconscious but Jinyoung drags her away from the imminent danger, her blood stains his clothes and hands, yet the young man doesn’t mind at all. 

At a safe distance, Jinyoung lays down the woman and starts talking to her, softly patting her cheek as if trying to wake her up.

“ _Eomeoni_ , wake up. Please wake up,” Jinyoung begs, his voice frantic and erratic, he’s panting but he doesn’t give up, speaking louder. “Please wake up! You can’t leave your son behind. He needs you, so wake up!”

The woman twitches, but that’s as far as a response as Jinyoung gets, yet he doesn’t give up, even if it might be just be an involuntary spasm. But the young man never gives up.

“PLEASE WAKE UP!” Jinyoung screams and that’s the moment Jaebeom wakes up, jumping on his bed and with a racing heart. 

Slowly, he takes notice of his familiar surrounding, the tidy room where everything that’s meaningful to him hangs on the walls imprinted in the pictures he takes. He wakes up with a bitter taste in his mouth that he recognises as guilt, because his dream is the place where he can do something for his mother, but even there he is frozen and Jinyoung has to come to rescue his mother.

Trying to shake that guilt off, Jaebeom gets out of bed to follow his normal routine, even if he’s twenty minutes earlier than he should. He takes his time in the shower and picking his clothes, packing his belongings and even having breakfasts. Purposely, the young man doesn’t think of his dream. After almost three months since the accident, he’s used to the nightmares and can ignore them, labelling them as just that, dreams, that won’t change a single thing.

That is how Jaebeom can go through his day like usual, listening to the professors explaining the theory to the class that they are supposed to apply later for their final project. Jaebeom hasn’t really thought about that and what he’ll do. They are supposed to portray a story in four photographs, in each one of the techniques learned during the semester must be applied. 

Jaebeom hasn’t even practised the theories, or listened in detail to even recall them.

Luckily for the student, on Monday he finishes his lectures after two PM, which gives him all the afternoon to go and spend it with his mother at the hospital. Plus, he wants to send his aunt home so she can rest and sleep properly for a night. She’s been staying for over a week with his mother, barely getting out the hospital to eat and see Youngjae. Jaebeom is eternally grateful, but he doesn’t want to feel guilty for making his aunt work too hard. She also needs a break.

Youngjae’s texts during the day asking him if he has time to meet one of these days. The older replies they should have lunch together and then go to the hospital to see their mothers. Obviously, the boy agrees immediately.

Like that, Jaebeom ends up waiting for his cousins at the entrance of the arch of the campus, watching the many students pass by, the crossroad is so filled with people going in all directions that it’s hard to believe such a mess is actually a timed plan to make people go from one side to the other, from one corner to the other, without getting ran over. Most people walk with their eyes glued to their mobile phones, ignoring everything and everyone, even the delivery guys to whom the traffic laws and street lights, apparently, don’t apply to. Jaebeom is surprised he’s never witnessed an accident outside campus, it’s always so crowded at every hour, considering the clubs are just one street down, and a bit farther all the shops and restaurants and all the young people performing. Hongdae is such a lively place, never quiet, never still.

“Hyung!” Someone calls, loud without screaming, managing to break through Jaebeom’s appreciation of his surroundings. 

The young man turns to see his cousin coming his way, waving energetically, tailed by other two tall and slim boys. Jaebeom stands straighter to greet them with a slight bow of his head.

“Thanks for waiting, hyung! The professor wouldn’t let us go, talking about the midterm and blah, blah, blah. Did you wait long?” Jaebeom only shakes his head no. “That’s a relief. Oh yeah, these are my friends Yugyeom and BamBam.” Jaebeom tries not to react to the unusual name that’s clearly foreign, but it sounds more like a stage name. Apparently, his effort is futile, because Youngjae notices his expression. “Bam is Thai, he said everyone there picks a nickname as their parents choose a super meaningful name that are always super difficult to pronounce or too long, so they choose what they go for. Isn’t that cool?” Youngjae motions to the skinnier boy, the one with high cheek bones and grey hair, porcelain skin that looks unnaturally perfect, probably enhanced with makeup. “Oh, and they wanted to meet you because I’m always taking about you.”

Jaebeom feels slightly embarrassed because he was caught reacting at the name, because Youngjae is talking a lot, more than usual, and because his cousin has probably described him as something far better than he really is.

“It’s really nice to meet you. Youngjae hyung is always talking about you. He says you have an amazing voice but you chose photograph,” the taller boy replies, the one that is Korean, with a sheepish grin and makes his long nose crinkle a bit.

“Youngjae-yah is far too kind, I don’t have an amazing voice,” Jaebeom speaks with modesty, not enjoying the attention.

“Hyung, you do!” Youngjae complains. “Remember how you were casted in school for the lead role of a musical just because of your voice? And you didn’t even audition! You were singing while doing the cleaning duties when someone heard you.”

Jaebeom blushes at the anecdote, not enjoying the wide and appreciative eyes of the other two kids. 

“But I’m not someone who enjoys being on the spotlight,” Jaebeom points out. “I prefer being behind the scenes, you know.” Hence why Jaebeom chose photography, loving being the one watching the world but not taking part of it actively, yet capturing the ephemeral moments in one single shot. “Anyhow, should we get going to have lunch?”

“Sure!” Youngjae agrees easily as Jaebeom turns to lead the way. “I was coming when I realised I should’ve told you to also invite Mark and Jackson hyung.”

“They are busy right now, but next time,” Jaebeom offers.

Inviting Yugyeom and BamBam along, they go for chicken to a restaurant they really like and at which they are kind of regulars, right next to the Japanese udon restaurant they also visit together quite often. After ordering, adding ramen and rice to their order, Jaebeom gets the chance to know more about Youngjae’s friends. Yugyeom and BamBam are studying dance but they get one class in common and that’s how they got to know each other. As soon as the kids get comfortable around Jaebeom, they talk freely and ask many questions, laughing a lot and showing exactly why Youngjae is already fond of them as they have that quirkiness to their personalities that both surprise and amuse his cousin greatly. 

By the end of their meal, Jaebeom deems them as nice kids and is glad that Youngjae seems to have made good friends. The two kids thank Jaebeom for inviting them to have lunch and say their goodbyes so the two cousins can head to the hospital to meet their mothers. 

As they get closer to the hospital, Youngjae grows quieter, a bit more restless. He’s visited his aunt in very rare occasions because he hates hospitals, they make him depressed and scared, he says death lurks in every corner and it’s not like he’s exactly wrong. By the time they walk inside the building and take the lift, Youngjae isn’t saying a single word but Jaebeom isn’t surprised, still he’s thankful his cousin is still coming in even when he clearly dislikes hospitals.

On their way, Jaebeom greets the nurses around, already familiar with them all, and they smile  back and wish him well. Jaebeom slides the door open to his mother’s room and as expected, Youngjae’s mother is there, reading for her sister.

“ _Adeul_!” The conscious woman greets immediately when she sees her son. That puts a smile on the younger’s face who rushes to greet his mother. “What a lovely surprise.”

“I thought it would be good to actually see your son, imo. You spend all your days here, for which I’m thankful, but you also need a break.”

“Oh, I’m fine, Jaebeomie, don’t worry.”

The young man shakes his head. “I know you are, and so am I. But let’s trade places for a night? Go out and spend time with Youngjae. You can stay over at our place together.”

“Oh, can we?” Youngjae asks, clearly excited to spend some time with his mother. “Eomma _,_ come with me? Don't make hyung feel guilty for staying here every day.”

“Are you sure?” The woman asks and Jaebeom nods, knowing that Youngjae’s puppy eyes were the best weapon to win this small battle. “Then it’s settled. Thank you, Jaebeomie. Please call me if anything happens, okay?”

“Of course I will. Now go, get some fresh air. The day is quite nice,” Jaebeom urges and his aunt smiles.

Obviously, before leaving both his aunt and cousin say goodbye to Jaebeom’s mother, promising to come back soon and wishing she’d wake up soon. And like that, in a few minutes, Jaebeom is alone with his mother like he hasn’t been in quite a while. As his aunt was reading for her, Jaebeom decides to just talk to his mother and he tells her about Jinyoung, this unusual boy who held him and helped him so much, who has made way into his life without Jaebeom even noticing it.

Jaebeom is almost at the end of his story when the doctor comes in for the regular check up the afternoon. She sternly greets Jaebeom before checking the numbers on every machine, the charts with the updated information from the nurses’ visits and finally doing the reflex tests. Jaebeom has seen the same thing so many times, he doesn’t even pay attention anymore as the doctor presses his mother’s thumb.

Except this time the doctor makes a humming sound, curious and surprised.

Immediately, Jaebeom’s attention is fully on the doctor, watching her once again pressing the thumb and watching closely and because Jaebeom is like that, he can see the slight, almost imperceptible jerk of his mother’s hand. The doctor squares her shoulders, releasing the hand and searching for the small torch in her pocket, turning it on immediately to check the patient’s pupils. From his distance, Jaebeom can’t see if the pupils dilate or anything, but he watches the doctor’s expression, how she presses her lips tightly together, as if fighting a smile. With a side look, she watches the machines again and it seems she makes a decision.

The doctor releases the eyelids of her patient, turns off the torch to shove it in her coat pocket again before turning to face Jaebeom. Her eyes are bright with delight, and for the first time the doctor shows emotions. 

Jaebeom’s heart has stopped all together, he’s holding his breath and everything stilled in his body as he waits, just waits for whatever verdict comes from the doctor’s mouth.

“Im Jaebeom-ssi,” the doctor speaks. “Your mother has shown response to the stimuli, response to pain and light.”

“Does… does that—?” Jaebeom can’t finish the sentence, he’s still not breathing.

“Yes, your mother is waking up. In maybe a few hours she should be opening her eyes or even sooner.” Jaebeom feels like all the weight of his body has been lift off of his shoulders, and now he’s floating, drifting away. “Congratulations, your mother has left the coma.”

“Oh God,” Jaebeom breathes out, his knees giving out as he just slumps on the floor, staring at the doctor who actually smiles as she shoves her hands in her pockets, looking glad for the first time.

Jaebeom’s heart roars to life again, loud and strong, giving him back life that he barely had in him since his mother’s accident. 

He wants to scream, cry, jump, dance, sing, everything! He wants to shout out of the window his mother is waking up, she’s coming back to him, finally.

And as he thinks of that, a face comes to his mind, a person he desperately wants to tell the good news for no apparent reason: Park Jinyoung.


	14. waiting

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh boy, I've been busy lately. And sleeping way too much. I'm not sure what's happening, if my bed is too comfortable or I'm malnourished. Adulting is hard.
> 
> Anyhow, enjoy this chapter!

      Jaebeom stays with his mother, obviously, instead of going looking for Jinyoung; moreover, he has no idea where to find the young boy. Rather than that, he stays by his mother side, massaging her limbs and talking to her, knowing she’ll be back in no time. The nurses stay alert to the exact moment she regains consciousness, and Jaebeom is there to cry out when that happens.

It’s not like in dramas, his mother doesn’t just squeeze back his hand and wakes up, calling his name. No, it takes a few hours since the doctor announced his mother would wake up for her eyes to move under her eyelids, another couple of hours for her eyes to flutter open. She cannot speak, she’s connected to tubes and all sort of machines, and she cannot really focus on anything, but Jaebeom calls for her.

“Eomma, eomma! I’m here, look at me. Welcome back,” Jaebeom speaks, his voice breaking, his eyes filled with tears.

His mother’s eyes can’t focus on him and she looks tired, so extremely tired. Not even thirty seconds later, her eyes shut close again and she’s sleeping.

Jaebeom calls the doctor and the nurses to tell them his mother opened her eyes for a few seconds. They ask him to step out so they can check on her and make sure she can be disconnected from the ventilator, at least.

With how long it’s taking and the relief that it’s actually happening, his mother is finally awake, or kind of, Jaebeom can breathe. He’s hiding his excitement because it still doesn’t feel real and the doctor said it would take a while before his mother could speak or even recognise him or anything. It’s been too long for her to just wake up like her usual self.

Finally, because he didn’t think about it before, he calls his father, but it takes three tries for the man to pick up.

“ _What’s the matter, Jaebeom?_ ” The man asks, voice cold and void of any real concern. Jaebeom can hear the voices in the background, which means he isn’t in his office or alone.

“Eomma is waking up. The doctors are checking if they can disconnect her right now. She opened her eyes a few moments ago,” Jaebeom reports diligently, controlling his emotions because he doesn’t want his father to scold him for getting over emotional. He doesn’t need that right now.

“ _That’s delightful news. I’ll make some time to go see your mother at the hospital today or tomorrow,_ ” the man grants. “ _I’m busy now. Take care of her._ ”

The man doesn’t wait for Jaebeom to say anything and he hangs up. It’s disappointing and sad, but Jaebeom isn’t surprised that’s how his father reacts to the news. He wouldn’t be surprised if the man doesn’t even show up. In the almost three months since the accident he has barely shown his face in the hospital. Still, it breaks Jaebeom’s heart a bit, and he feels like he needs to repress his own emotions. 

Since the doctor came in the room and told him his mother would wake up, he’s been on the edge, just waiting for her to come back, expectant. For hours, he’s been on hold and it still doesn’t feel like the moment has come to rejoice and really celebrate.

Pushing his feelings to the back to deal with what’s at hands, Jaebeom makes another call, this time to his aunt to inform her his mother is finally awake. Contrary to his dad, his aunt screams and expresses her great joy, saying she’s running back to the hospital with Youngjae. That makes him smile, glad to feel some joy about this. It makes him feel less lonely.

Because Jaebeom cannot enter the room yet and they have taken his mother to run some tests, he goes to the rooftop for some fresh air and put his thoughts and emotions in order. It’s hard to accept his mother is awake when she hasn’t said a word and hasn’t properly looked him in the eyes, but he saw her awake and he knows the doctor are making sure she is well enough. Maybe he did watch too many dramas where the worst outcome was the coma patient not recognising anyone, eloquently saying they don’t know anything or what happened. Or those in which the patient recognises their family and cry in joy together. In reality it’s a slow process, gradual and it keeps Jaebeom hanging. It might take a few days before his mother can actually speak or even understand the questions, and it’ll take that much for Jaebeom to properly feel his mother is back.

The doctor said long ago that if his mother woke up, it would be even harder than waiting for her to wake up. The therapy and the possible sequels would be something they would have to deal with. Now that time has come Jaebeom has to be strong to endure all that and carry his mother in whatever state the accident has left her.

Honestly, Jaebeom is scared of such possible state. What if she doesn’t remember? What if she cannot walk anymore? What if she cannot speak? What if she is left in some other form of disability he can’t even imagine? What is he going to do then?

Jaebeom is just now really accepting the idea that even now that his mother has woken up, she will never be the same person she was before the accident.

The lift doors open and Jaebeom walks out, his head still clouded with all his unanswered questions, his fears and all the expectation making his heart heavy. Still, he takes the stairs to the rooftop and crosses the door, immediately taking a deep breath and closing his eyes as soon as the strong and cold wind of October slaps him. It’s not harsh but it’s biting, and it’s so real, which is what Jaebeom really needs that in that moment. There’s so much uncertainty in his life, things are changing and he has no idea in what direction just yet.

It feels like standing in the middle of a crossroad, with cars, people and bikes going in every direction, around him, nonstop, and Jaebeom has no idea where they are going, they just happen. It’s like the chaos outside his university campus and Jaebeom feels the same fear of a possible accident.

The cold air at the top of the hospital feels real and grounding, enough to cool his mind a bit. Jaebeom walks to the rail, opening his eyes to appreciate the still mesmerising view from up high. The city greeting autumn, the colours changing to a warm yet still decaying orangish brown. The sky is clear and the sun is getting ready to hide, giving the whole view a caramel veil that paints the perfect autumn picture. The lights aren’t blinding yet, but they wait for their time to outshine the starts when the sun sets.

Jaebeom wraps his hands on the rail and looks down, to the ant-sized people, just dots on the asphalt, walking fast heading who knows where. There are so many of different colours, all so small… so insignificant. Jaebeom remembers Jinyoung saying that height gave him perspective, reminded him how small we are. Back then Jaebeom just thought of it as depressive, but today he feels comforted because even if his worry are choking him, that’s just so small in the universe, just another knot in a gigantic tapestry that’s life. It’s not the end of the world and he’ll manage to make it through.

With his hands on the rail, Jaebeom leans back, tilting his head to face the clear sky, his eyes closed and just breathing deeply.

He breathes in, and out. In and out. The cold embraces him but makes him feel alive and slowly, a smile comes to his lips as he feels more relaxed, focusing on this moment. He has no idea how things will change, but right now everything is great. His mother woke up, he doesn’t need to make the decision to let her go yet. Whatever state she’s in that they’ll have to face together is better than death.

Feeling more in control, Jaebeom leans forward, and opens his eyes, still with a little smile on his lips until he sees there’s someone next to him, facing the same outstanding view, but from the other side of the rail, feet barely on the edge, hands holding on to the rail but just for balance, not to exactly keep him there. Jaebeom recognises him immediately, already familiar with the jet black hair, the pale complexion, the handsome features.

It’s Jinyoung.

“Tell me you’re not trying to jump,” Jaebeom speaks, trying not to assume that when just the day before Jinyoung was looking so bright and happy.

His voice startles the other boy who jumps in his skin, gasping and turning his head to look at Jaebeom with wild and disoriented eyes. Dark bags decorate his face in the most miserable way, his eyes are bloodshot as if he’s been crying and his lips are chapped and blueish, as if he has been in the cold for hours and hours. Jinyoung looks like deer caught in headlights and Jaebeom notices he’s shaking.

Alarmed with what he sees, Jaebeom moves slowly but closer to Jinyoung, wrapping his hand around the younger’s wrist who once again jerks with the contact as if it burned him.

“It’s okay, Jinyoung-ah,” he calls because this time it doesn’t look like Jinyoung is appreciating the view, instead he looks like he’s lost it. “Come here, careful.”

“Hyung… you’re here…” Jinyoung breathes out, confusing Jaebeom because he was there first, how could Jinyoung come to stand there without noticing him before? How out of it is he? 

Worry makes his heart heavy.

“Yes, I’m here. Now come to this side, okay? Careful,” Jaebeom instructs, his voice soft so he won’t startle the boy. 

It works, Jinyoung follows him, carefully passing his body over the rail to the same side Jaebeom is standing on. The older grabs both of Jinyoung’s arms, keeping him in place and just now noticing the many layers his friend is wearing. It’s October and the weather is getting colder, but not that cold yet. Not enough to wear a coat.

“Hyung…” Jinyoung breathes out, distracting Jaebeom from focusing on how Jinyoung doesn’t fit in this moment.

“It’s okay,” Jaebeom reassures again, focusing only on Jinyoung in that moment. It seems something happened, something that triggered him somehow leaving him in such vulnerable state. The poor boy is still shaking, his eyes wild. “Whatever it is, it’s okay now.”

Jinyoung doesn’t speak, doesn’t explain or shares what happened, instead, he steps closer as if drawn by Jaebeom, and clings to the older with desperation. His thin arms wrap around Jaebeom’s waist with a vice grip, and his face is in Jaebeom’s shoulder, breathing deeply. The older pats Jinyoung’s back, softly, rubbing comforting circles wondering what left the young man like this.

Speaking when one is feeling vulnerable and broken is hard, some people can’t even do it and it seems Jinyoung loses his eloquence when he’s falling apart, so Jaebeom just holds him for as long as he needs it, just like Jinyoung did the night before, comforting him, promising him things would be all right, even believing his mother would wake up soon.

Jaebeom smiles when he thinks of that. It feels like Jinyoung put a spell on him to get his mother to wake up, like the screams in his nightmare were actually real and worked.

Jinyoung pulls apart when the sky is dark and the wind blows stronger, pulling and pushing their hairs in every direction, making the younger’s coat flap like wings getting ready to take flight.

“Better?” Jaebeom asks, keeping Jinyoung at arm length, looking into his eyes with compassion and real concern, without judgement or apprehension. 

“I can breathe so yes, better,” Jinyoung replies. “Thank you… for pulling me back.” Jaebeom smiles, knowing the younger also refers pulling him back from the other side of the rail.

“It’s the least I could do,” Jaebeom answers, trying to fix Jinyoung’s hair in an endearing way, but the wind disarrays it immediately after. “May I ask what happened?”

Jinyoung looks down, avoiding his eyes. “I just lost control of my emotions and rational thinking, not being selective and just wanting to die now.”

Jaebeom confirms Jinyoung was indeed about to jump when he opened his eyes, this time he really saved him from dying. He doesn’t make any remark about that, though.

“Why?” Jaebeom tries asking instead, hoping he’s not pushing Jinyoung with that.

“I rather not talk about it… I don’t even think I can explain. It just… happens.” Jaebeom doesn’t blame him for being vague about it and he understands it’s better not to probe into the younger’s situation any further at the moment. “Thanks for stopping me, though. I don’t want to accidentally kill someone while falling on them in my attempt to suicide.”

Jaebeom smiles, not making a comment about Jinyoung’s concern because he’s sure the younger wouldn’t appreciate his humour in that moment.

“Why are you here at the rooftop?” The younger questions, an attempt to change topics, Jaebeom realises.

“I needed to think and I’m not currently allowed in eomma’s room.”

“Why’s that?” Jinyoung’s expression morphs in worry, his brow knitted together, especially when Jaebeom’s smile grows wider with delight. 

“Because she woke up and the doctors are running tests on her!” He cries out, louder than he’s been since he received the news, feeling honestly excited instead of pressured to remain calm and collected.

Jinyoung’s eyes widen in surprise and delight, even bouncing as he jumps to hug Jaebeom again, not out of desperation but happiness. Jinyoung is happy for him and Jaebeom, without realising, ends up laughing out loud in sheer joy, hugging Jinyoung back as tightly as he can.

“She’s awake! She’s finally awake and back!” Jaebeom cries, feeling tears in his eyes that are nothing but happiness.

“That’s so great! I’m so happy for you, hyung!”

“Thank you,” Jaebeom breathes out, lifting Jinyoung from the ground for a second before putting him back and breaking the hug, but staying close. “It’s as if you were right, about everything last night.”

Jinyoung’s smile is honest, although still a bit broken, but certainly an improvement. He doesn’t look at the edge of a breakdown and his thoughts are focused on a very different and more gleeful matter.

“I’m just glad she’s awake, hyung. I knew she wouldn’t leave you alone, she just had to remember that,” Jinyoung comments and Jaebeom continues smiling because he’s just so delighted and he feels free to share his true emotions with Jinyoung. He doesn’t need to pretend in front of Jinyoung, or keep a facade, he can be honest and open with everything that he’s feeling, and that’s the most liberating thing.

“Thank you,” Jaebeom whispers, honestly thankful that Jinyoung showed up, contained him, pulled him back together and gave him room to be himself without strain, acting on how he feels.

Jinyoung just smiles at him, beautiful in such a sad way because he still looks fragile, like a bowl with so many cracks that a whisper could break, but it’s still such a tragically beautiful thing that makes him hold his breath as he stares at the young man in front of him. 

Jinyoung is always beautiful, even when he’s at the brisk of breaking and Jaebeom is in awe.


	15. perspective

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am sorry for the absence. Nothing bad happened, I've just been very busy with work and everything else, too tired to do anything once I get home.   
> Anyhow, I hope you all enjoy this chapter.

       “Hey, don’t take this the wrong way but… what are you doing here? I mean in the hospital. I see you here often,” Jaebeom asks after sitting with their backs to the rail, shoulder to shoulder, heads tilted to the starless sky. Just now Jaebeom wonders why Jinyoung is at the hospital instead of just wondering why he’s at the rooftop. The latter answer is quite evident. 

“Mm…” the younger muses. “I just am here, that’s how it is.”

Jaebeom turns to look at Jinyoung because that vague answer is too much, even coming from Jinyoung. The younger feels Jaebeom’s eyes on him and turns to meet his gaze, realising he needs to elaborate. 

“Sometimes I find myself in certain places without realising, without wanting to be there or making a conscious decision to go there,” the other boy tries to explain again, but it still sounds vague to Jaebeom.

“Do you come to visit someone?” He suggests, thinking that makes sense.

“I guess you could say that,” Jinyoung grants, breaking the eye contact and watching the dark sky again. “Someone who's waiting for me.”

“So you come to the hospital but don’t _see_ that person, is that what you mean?” Jaebeom tries to understand, not daring to imagine a situation in which Jinyoung doesn’t dare to go see whoever is waiting for him.

“Yeah, I guess you could say that.”

“And why don’t you go see that person if you make it to the hospital?” Jaebeom asks before he realises he’s being too nosy and it doesn’t seem to be an easy subject for Jinyoung. But he’s curious, especially when his mind thinks that maybe the reason Jinyoung was on edge today was because of that person.

“Because I’m not ready to see him,” Jinyoung replies in a sigh, closing his eyes and then taking a deep breath. “I’m waiting for him to give up.”

“May I… may I ask what giving up would entitle?”

Jinyoung doesn’t reply and Jaebeom just watches his profile, the thick eyebrows, the short nose, thick lips and small chin, a perfectly sculpted profile that is so still it makes Jaebeom think he’s staring at a statue.

“Something you wouldn’t like,” Jinyoung smiles in such dark way that it sends shivers down Jaebeom’s spine.

He understands, obviously he does. Jinyoung means that that person would die if he gives up, and he’s waiting for that. It makes Jaebeom incredibly conflicted because he holds on to life, dearly, but he remembers what Jinyoung told him the night before, how he thought of the person between life and death was struggling. Maybe it’s not cruelty but mercy.

“Maybe if you go see him he’ll give up. Maybe he’s waiting for you to say goodbye,” Jaebeom proposes, just guessing because he doesn’t really know the real extent of Jinyoung’s situation and he has a feeling it’s not a good idea to talk about that now.

“No,” Jinyoung shakes his head. “If I go to see him, he’ll surely wake up and that wouldn’t be good for anyone.” He chuckles, once again, in that dark way but now Jaebeom realises it’s like that because there’s desperation and hopelessness in his voice and in his eyes when he turns to look at Jaebeom again “I’m a horrible person for this, aren’t I? I’m basically wishing and waiting for someone to die.”

Jaebeom doesn’t know how to answer that. Partly, he does think Jinyoung is cruel and on the wrong for wishing that someone gives up and dies, but at the same time he sees the pain in his eyes and the struggle, which means a lot coming from someone who doesn’t see anything good in staying alive. From Jinyoung’s perspective, death is the most merciful thing, the escape from hell, so his intentions aren’t cruel, they are cruel in society’s view of life and death where the latter is the bad outcome.

It makes Jaebeom smile, realising he’s trying to understand Jinyoung instead of just judging him from his own standards.

“From my point of view, yeah, it’s cruel… but from your point of view, it’s merciful,” Jaebeom grants. “Who is this person? How does he see life and death?”

“He’s a part of me,” Jinyoung replies which makes Jaebeom infer it can only mean his father or a brother, unless Jinyoung has a son, but he’s quite young to be a father.

Unless… unless Jinyoung had a son who was born with some problem and is hanging in there.

But Jinyoung is supposedly gay, Jaebeom remembers, or that he thinks based on that the younger mentioned only a boyfriend.

That doesn’t mean he couldn’t be bisexual. 

“Until not too long ago, he didn’t want to keep living. Now I’m not so sure,” Jinyoung adds, cutting thought Jaebeom’s thoughts and making him realise that it cannot be an infant if he has an opinion about life and death. “Things have changed.”

“Well, ultimately the decision is his,” Jaebeom concludes, patting Jinyoung’s thigh comfortingly. “Whether he gives up or not, it’s not something you can actually change.”

“Hmmm…” Jinyoung only mumbles, looking down at Jaebeom’s hand on his thigh for a few seconds. “Hyung, shouldn’t you go check on your eomma? I’m okay, you don’t need to keep an eye on me.”

“Are you sure you won’t try to jump again if I leave you alone?” Jaebeom asks, casually because it’s Jinyoung.

“I’m sure,” Jinyoung smiles. “I told you, I want to kill myself, not other people.”

Jaebeom grimaces when Jinyoung says it like that, such a fact, as if it’s really going to happen and that possibility feels like an iron ball in his guts, heavy and toxic. He realises in that moment he doesn’t want something to happen to Jinyoung, and he feels worse when he thinks that if something did happen to the younger, he’d never find out. No one would tell him anything, one day he’d never see Jinyoung again and he’d never know why.

It’s a depressive thought.

“Please don’t jump,” Jaebeom asks, his voice an octave higher. “Don’t kill yourself, Jinyoung-ah.”

“Aw, now you’re asking me not to? Afraid you won’t be able to stop me the next time?” Jinyoung laughs but Jaebeom is being serious so he doesn’t smile.

“Yeah. I don’t want you to one day just disappear from my life without goodbye or anything,” Jaebeom explains and watches the surprise change Jinyoung’s expression, his eyes widening and blinking faster. “Even though I tried not to care about you, you still managed to get in my life so now I care if you live or die.”

Jinyoung is clearly still very surprised and at loss of words, just mumbling incoherent syllables and staring back at Jaebeom.

“I know you don’t want to live but maybe you can endure it a bit more?” Jaebeom asks. “Moreover, if you’re right and we are just paying for our past sins in this life, then you can’t escape and need to repent.”

Jinyoung laughs at that, even if Jaebeom didn’t say it as a joke, but he’s glad the smile on Jinyoung’s lips isn’t cynic or heartbroken.

“It could be even worse in the next life if I escape in this one, wouldn’t it?” Jinyoung chuckles, not taking it seriously but Jaebeom actually thinks it’s like that.

“When you think of killing yourself to escape this life, just remember the punishment is gonna be even worse for the next life,” Jaebeom tells him and Jinyoung laughs out loud this time.

“This is threatening, hyung!”

“Just pointing out the truth, Jinyoung-ah,” Jaebeom shrugs. “Are you going to stay here? I’m going to go check on eomma.”

“Oh,” Jinyoung agrees. “I hope everything goes well with her. Let me know how things are going next time.”

“Sure,” Jaebeom nods. “I hope it’s not at a rooftop again.”

“I can’t promise anything,” Jinyoung smiles and Jaebeom just shakes his head, giving him one last pat on his thigh before rising to his own feet.

“See you around, Jinyoung-ah.”

“Oh,” Jinyoung mumbles.

Jaebeom just waves his hand as farewell and then heads inside the building, downstairs and to the lift to go to his mother’s room. It’s been almost two hours since he was asked to leave, he realises when he checks the time on his watch. 

He enters the lift, presses the eight floor and waits to be taken there. In the meantime he checks his mobile, thinking just now that he’s never asked Jinyoung for his mobile number, always leaving it to happenstance if they met again. However, as he checks his Kakao notifications, he realises he cannot see himself texting with Jinyoung, or calling him to meet. Somehow, Jinyoung always shows up in front of him, when he least expects it, and when he needs it the most. Maybe it’s better if they continue meeting just like this, just serendipity. 

His mind is taken from Jinyoung when he checks that Youngjae has texted him many times asking where he is, that they are back and they’ve brought his mother back into the room. With those news, Jaebeom starts buzzing with energy, urging the lift to move faster. He runs out of the reduced space when the doors open at the eight floor, and he dashes to his mother’s room. There he finds his aunt and his cousin, talking among them; by their side it’s his mother, without any machine connected to her face, finally allowing Jaebeom to watch her face without interruptions.

He feels like he could cry in that moment.

“Jaebeomie!” His aunt exclaims, noticing him in the room. “Where were you? We called you.”

“I was at the rooftop, the doctor asked me to step out for a while. I lost track of time there,” Jaebeom explains, not wanting to talk about Jinyoung and what happened at the rooftop this time. “How is she? What did the doctor say?”

“That woman said your mother is definitely awake, breathing and everything on her own,” his aunt starts to explain. “However, it’ll take a bit more before she can stay awake for more than an hour or so. She needs to adjust to keeping her body functioning on her own again, or something like that. She also said they’ll evaluate the damage the accident left once she’s conscious and they can perform some tests. For now, they only predict some degree of paralysis due to the damage in the nerve system and brain damage, but they can’t guess exactly the extent of it.”

Jaebeom nods, knowing and accepting there’ll be severe consequences. He’s still scared of what’s yet to come, but honestly he’s just relieved his mother is back and breathing on her own. They’ll deal with the rest as it comes.

For that reason, he approaches his mother and carefully leans down to kiss her forehead, with one hand cupping her cheek and caressing it with his thumb. Jaebeom pulls back, smiling gratefully. 

“Thank you for waking up, eomma,” Jaebeom whispers. “Thank you for not leaving me alone.”

His mother’s eyes flutter even if she doesn’t wake up, but getting some reaction fills Jaebeom’s heart with joy and hope. He would’ve never imagined how rewarding and necessary was to get just one gesture, one little thing to let him know she was still there, with him.

Definitely, Jaebeom can breathe again.


	16. awakening

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I swear I've been busy and I don't even realise how time keeps passing by. I wan to be more focused on my stories, but it's hard. Besides, I am recovering from a cold so I was even more exhausted than usual. That for excuses, I am sorry for the long wait. I'll update the next chapter in a few minutes to compensate.

      

That night Jaebeom barely sleeps, alert at all times to keep an eye on his mother. She wakes up at times, but she never reacts for more than a few seconds and then she falls asleep again. It’s by the break of dawn that she seems to finally wake up, aware of her surroundings and actually looking in Jaebeom’s direction when he calls for her. He knows for certain now that she’s awake so he hurries to press the button to call for someone, holding his mother’s hand and never breaking eye contact. Jaebeom’s aunt is there as well, by his side —it was impossible to send her away when she knew her sister was waking up.

The doctor arrives almost immediately, as if she had been waiting for this call. She smiles, it’s not warm but polite.

“Patient, can you hear me?” The doctor asks, Jaebeom’s mother’s eyes are focused on her as she nods slowly. “Perfect. Now, do you know where you are? What kind of place this is?” She continues inquiring and Jaebeom’s mother’s eyes scan her surroundings before nodding again. “Can you recognise this young man?”

Jaebeom’s mother turns to her other side, to him that’s watching her intently. Their eyes meet and he doesn’t need to hear the answer to know, his mother recognises him. It’s evident in the way her eyes soften, her expression trembles and how she tries to open her mouth as if to say something. Jaebeom feels his own eyes pooling with tears, just like his mother’s, and his smile hurts like his throat because he’s about to burst out crying, just out of relief.

Slowly, painfully, Jaebeom’s mother nods her head and he squeezes her hand in reply.

“Wonderful,” the doctor speaks again. “Do you remember why you’re here?” Her brow furrows as she tries to recollect the events, turning to look at the doctor again. This time she shakes her head.

“That’s okay, it’s normal. Are you hurting anywhere?” His mother shakes her head again. “Even better. Can you lift your left hand?” The doctor requests and Jaebeom watches his mother struggle to follow the command, he also witnesses how she fails. “It’s okay, don’t force yourself. What about your right hand? Can you squeeze your son’s hand?” Jaebeom pays extra attention to even the slightest difference and he exhales in relief when he feels his mother squeezing back. He nods his head to the doctor. “Wonderful. What about your feet?” 

The doctor lifts the cover to watch carefully as his mother struggles to follow this new command. Jaebeom sees only the right toes twitching ever so lightly.

The doctor nods in appreciation then covers the feet again, still smiling at his mother when she looks at her again.

“Okay, one last thing and you can rest: Can you tell me your name, patient?”

Jaebeom’s mother closes her eyes, taking a deep breath before parting her lips to speak. “K-k-ka-an-an-g,” she begins, struggling enormously to just let out her surname. “J-j-ji-ji-i-in,” she continues, not giving up even if it’s more than evident speaking is really hard, her voice hoarse and slow, unarticulated as if she had never spoken in her life. “S-s-se-seo-eok,” she finally finishes, practically deflating as if that had been the hardest task. It probably was, and for that reason, Jaebeom squeezes her hand encouragingly, smiling brightly and whispering soft praises. 

“You did wonderful, Kang Jinseok-ssi,” the doctor smiles, patting the other hand of his mother. Then the doctor straights up and turns her attention to Jaebeom. “After the three months in comma your mother is physically recovered. The lesions and bone fractures are healed, now we need to explore the extent of the brain damage.”

“I understand,” Jaebeom replies, nodding obediently. 

“She’ll need therapy to strengthen her muscles, but I do predict some percentage of paralysis. She’ll probably need speech therapy as well, as it seems her speech was affected. It seems promising she remembers her name and recognises you, and it’s not particularly worrisome that she doesn’t recall the accident, so don’t worry about that.”

“When should she start with the rehabilitation?” Jaebeom’s aunt asks before he has the opportunity.

“Probably by tomorrow. Today she’ll still feel dizzy and uncomfortable. She needs to get a better grasp of reality and stabilise. Try to make her interact the best you can, even if she doesn’t speak much. She’s far much better than anyone could’ve anticipated, so congratulations.”

Jaebeom’s feels such relief at the optimist words, it is the first time the doctor speaks with a positive view and it makes such a difference. He feels his heart lighter and free to beat normally.

“Thank you so much,” he replies, bowing as deeply as he can without releasing his mother’s hand, keeping his head low and breathing slowly. 

“I’ll pay her a visit later today to check how she’s doing. Have a good day,” the doctor says as farewell, smiling and bowing her head slightly. “Welcome back, Kang Jinseok-ssi. Your son is a very devoted child, so now you have to work hard to get better, okay?”

Jaebeom’s mother nods her head and then turns to watch her son, a little smile on her lips and weakly squeezing his hand.

The doctor leaves them and Jaebeom’s attention is solely on his mother, smiling at her and grabbing her hand in both of his, lifting it to kiss her knuckles tenderly.

“Thank you, eomma; for waking up,” he whispers, feeling how his eyes well with tears again, and now when he blinks, some drops slide down from the corners of his eyes.

“A-a-ad-ad-deu-deu-eul,” she calls him, an evident effort to call for her son. It sounds foreign, as if it wasn’t her voice but someone else saying ‘son,’ yet Jaebeom knows in his heart, despite the difference, it’s his mother calling him.

“Oh,” he mumbles, his smile sempiternal when it’s for his mother. “I’m here, and things will get better, okay?”

“That’s right, _eonni_ ,” Jaebeom’s aunt speaks up, going to his mother’s other side, also taking her hand. “We won’t leave you alone and I know you’ll get better. You’ve always been a strong woman, you’ll make it through this, too.”

His mother smiles so gently and tired, Jaebeom notices and he realises this has probably drained her. Even if she’s been sleeping for almost three months, this must be exhausting for her. For that reason, he decides not to ask too much from her and let her just rest. Carefully, he pulls her bed in a more upright position so she is sitting instead of lying, and then he turns on the television to have some noise in the room.

Like that, the day goes by slowly and carefully. Everything is tentative with his mother, and she stays awake all day, although she’s silent the whole time. She manages to eat a bit, but her diet is still very liquid and unappetising. 

With his aunt, they take turns to leave and go eat and then come back. Because his aunt insists so much, Jaebeom sleeps but he can only fall asleep if he’s holding his mother’s hand. 

For the first time since the accident, Jaebeom has a nightmare-free sleep.

However, he feels sick to the stomach when his father arrives after dinner. In these three months Jaebeom has barely seen the man, spending most of his time at the hospital and his father always busy working. It was easy to never coincide when they were at home, and if they happened to run into each other, Jaebeom just bowed his head and went to lock himself in his room.

Seeing the man that barely showed his face in these three months, with a bouquet of roses, makes him feel like he wants to throw up. The hypocrisy and shamelessness are sickening and infuriating. Jaebeom’s shakes with rage, his fists balled so tight his knuckles are white and his nails leave dents in his palm, cutting through the flesh and pouring blood.

His aunt notices that, also resenting the man, so she discreetly takes him away while excusing them: “We’ll leave you two alone. She cannot really speak yet, so keep your question to yes-or-no answers.”

The man nods and Jaebeom wants to scream he doesn’t have the right to even ask questions to his mother, but he’s taken out of the room before he can do that.

“I know, I know, Jaebeomie,” his aunt speaks, looping her arm around him ever so gently, leading him away, to the cafeteria to get something to eat, most likely. “I know you’re angry with him, I also am. He did wrong and doesn’t deserve eonni’s love, but you know she does love him despite everything he can do. Seeing him will make her happy, and that’s all we care about, isn’t it?”

Jaebeom cannot deny that. His father has always loved his job more than anything else, even his wife or family. He doesn’t know if the man has ever been unfaithful, and he prays he hasn’t because his mother has always been devoted and loyal, loving him even when he barely acknowledges her. His father doesn’t treat her badly, he’s never raised his voice or insulted her in any way, he just ignores her and doesn’t appreciate her as he should. He’s neglected her. For that reason Jaebeom has always loved his mother for the two of them, acting cute for her, showering her with cuddles and kisses even when he’s a grownup boy, because his mother is a beautiful soul who deserves to be openly loved. Giving her a comfortable lifestyle isn’t the only or the best way to show her she’s appreciated or loved, Jaebeom thinks.

Jaebeom could forgive his father’s attitude before the accident, even justify it saying he worked hard for his family. But after the accident, with his almost noninvolvement in the situation, barely coming to see his wife or actually caring about her while she hanged in there for dear life… that Jaebeom cannot forgive so easily.

“At least he showed up today,” Jaebeom mumbles, trying to see the bright side. “And she’ll be happy.”

That’s all he needs to worry about: his mother’s wellbeing. He’ll deal with his father later, whether he ever forgives him or not. As of now, all he cares about is his mother.

“Exactly. And now that she’s with him, why don’t you go home and shower and change? Take a break?”

“What about you, imo?” He asks, feeling guilty for taking a break if she’s not.

“I’ll go to a sauna. I feel like a lot of tension has left me now that I know eonni is awake and well, so I need a good scrub to feel renewed and ready for the next stage.” Jaebeom nods, approving of her decision. “Go home, call your friends to tell them the good news. Also your classmates to catch up on what you missed today, okay?”

Jaebeom chuckles, amused that his aunt is nagging him about his studies. 

“Your mother is awake, so you need to focus on graduating for her. She’ll work hard if she sees you doing the same.”

“I understand,” Jaebeom chuckles, smiling kindly. “Thank you, imo; for being here for us. It would’ve been a lot more difficult without you.”

“No, thank you, Jaebeomie, for loving your mother so unconditionally. I know for sure she woke up for you, because you never gave up on her.” Jaebeom feels so touched with his aunt’s words, the kind and warm smile and the comforting touch. “You did well.”

He smiles, grateful and tired. He doesn’t say much and just lets his aunt lead him to the cafeteria where she buys him a coffee before sending him home. The relief is what makes him feel sleepy and exhausted, so the caffeine is most needed as he walks to the subway station.

Despite how he feels like he’s floating instead of walking, like he wasn’t exactly there with everyone, Jaebeom is overall happy. His mother is finally awake, the future isn’t as dark as he feared so things should continue getting better.

Relief is the best feeling, Jaebeom decides.


	17. younger

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As promised, a new chapter. Enjoy~

Even if Jaebeom’s mother’s waken up from her coma, he won’t be overcoming his strong dislike for any sort of cars or trucks, including buses, any time soon. He doesn’t want to witness or be involved in any type of accident and he will avoid vehicles for as long as he can, and he’ll keep taking the train.

Past rush hour, the last car of the train isn’t as crowded as it is at other time of the day, leaving quite a few empty spots to sit and not worry about anything or anyone. He’s exhausted so the moment he sits, he leans his head on the bar by his side, closing his eyes and breathing slowly. He lifts his head and opens his eyes when his neck starts hurting and the train jerks at one stop. When he does so, he notices the person in front of him and immediately recognises him.

Jinyoung, in simple jeans and oversize sweatshirt, sits in front of him, with his eyes locked on his hands that are covered with the sweatshirt sleeves in cute sweater paws. Jaebeom smiles fondly at the sight, even if Jinyoung hasn’t noticed him yet. Jaebeom realises as he watches the other boy that his hair is a lot shorter, maybe a centimetre long, like a growing buzz cut, which makes him look at least four or five years younger. For a second Jaebeom thinks he’s watching a teenager version of Jinyoung and he marvels at how a haircut can change a person so much.

Jinyoung probably feels his stare because he lifts his head and their eyes meet. Jaebeom watches surprise drawing on the other boy’s features, a smile spreading over his lips and his eyes lighten with glee. Like that, Jinyoung truly looks like a teenager, and it’s quite disconcerting. 

Jinyoung doesn’t say anything, nor does he move and Jaebeom also stays where he is, just staring back at Jinyoung with a little smile on his lips. They continue doing that for quite a few stations, until Jaebeom takes the first step and changes seats, next to Jinyoung this time. The younger doesn’t seem to mind, considering his now wider smile.

“Hi,” he greets, smiling happily. Up close, Jinyoung doesn’t look lost or broken like he did the day before. He doesn’t look exactly well or happy, there’s still a shadow of something Jaebeom cannot grasp yet, but it’s dark and heavy on Jinyoung’s shoulders.

“Hi,” echoes Jinyoung, and Jaebeom realises his smile is tired but not less honest for that. “How’s your mother?”

“She’s doing well, stayed awake all day. There seems to be some degree of paralysis and problems with her speech, but the doctor said she could start her rehabilitation tomorrow,” Jaebeom shares easily. Funny how he’s ended trusting Jinyoung to tell him about his problems as easily as he does with Jackson and Mark, sometimes even more easily. “She recognises us although she doesn’t remember the accident. Still, her eyes are the same and I know she’ll work hard to get better.”

“That’s really good news, hyung. Not the paralysis and the speech problems, but that she’s more lucid and she’ll start therapy. I think all that’s manageable, but if she had forgotten about you then that would’ve broken your heart definitely.”

“I agree,” Jaebeom muses. “I’m grateful for the small blessings. How are you doing, by the way? Feeling any better?” He asks, watching Jinyoung closely and not missing how the younger looks away, to the now empty seat across from them.

“Oh,” comes his reply, short and vague. “Why aren’t you at the hospital? I thought you wouldn’t leave that place now that your mother’s awake.”

“Abeoji is with her now, he finally came to visit her.” Jinyoung notices the change in his voice, the way his face hardens when he speaks about his father, but he has the good judgement not to ask about that at the time. “Imo said I couldn’t neglect school and that I needed a break so she sent me home to take a shower and get a break.”

“She’s right,” Jinyoung smiles. “I’m sure your mother wouldn’t like if you fail your courses or get behind.”

“She definitely wouldn’t want to. I graduate this semester,” Jaebeom speaks. 

“Oh, such a grownup already,” Jinyoung chuckles lightly. “You definitely can’t get behind, you’re almost done!”

“I know, it’s just hard to remember that’s something important when all I can worry about is eomma.” Jaebeom leans back, his eyes also fixing across from them, watching their reflection on the glass, dark as they travel the tunnels of line 9. 

“Where are you heading?” He asks after a few moments of silence. 

“No idea,” answers Jinyoung with a shrug, also watching their reflection, they meet eyes there. “I’m not even sure where I am now. I realised where I was when I was already sitting here and you were in front of me.”

“Do you want to come with me?” Jaebeom asks, thinking that he won’t spend the night at home because he’s sure his father won’t stay with his mother at the hospital and he doesn’t want to leave her alone, plus he wants to tell his aunt to stay at the sauna if she wants and not to worry about his mother. “I’m going home to grab my things and change, so if you don’t have plans you can tag along.”

Jaebeom is still concerned about Jinyoung and fears where he might end up when he’s not exactly doing well. He doesn’t want to be overbearing, so he tries to make it casual, hoping Jinyoung will agree so he can try to keep him busy and away from his dangerous thoughts. 

“You don’t mind?” 

“Oh,” Jaebeom answers with a smile, turning to meet Jinyoung’s eyes outside the reflection. “You’ve been to my place already, and I’m most likely going back to the hospital before abeoji comes back.”

“Then if that’s okay, sure,” Jinyoung smiles and so does Jaebeom, taking a look at the map over the doors to check the station they currently are at, realising they are just one stop away from Seocho Station. 

When the doors open at their station, Jaebeom stands up and wills Jinyoung to follow him outside the train and the platform, walking ahead to the exit and marking his T-money first to exit through the tourniquet, not looking back to make sure Jinyoung is tailing him, but knowing it. Jaebeom leads the way, although Jinyoung knows where it is. He doesn’t pay him much attention as they walk, texting one of his classmates asking if he could borrow todays’ notes as he spent the day at the hospital with his mother. Understanding of his situation, his classmate agrees and says he’ll send him scans of his notes before he goes to bed. Jaebeom promises to take him for some _samgyeopsal_ one day to pay him back. 

Jaebeom pays attention to Jinyoung when they are at his building tower and he has to enter the code to pass through the doors and then take the lift together. They don’t talk and Jaebeom watches Jinyoung on the mirrors of the lift, still surprised that he looks so much younger with that haircut. His face looks different, softer as if it still had some baby fat, even is his body looking more lanky and shorter? Jinyoung doesn’t look like the confident, witty and unwonted person he’s got to know.

“You look a lot younger with that haircut,” Jaebeom points out and watches Jinyoung tensing. 

“Yeah, not one of my best looks. But it’ll grow quickly,” he replies but Jaebeom is shaking his head.

“I didn’t say you didn’t look good, though, just a lot younger. You look like five years younger,” he explains, hoping Jinyoung understands.

“Hmm… I am nineteen today,” he says, his eyes lost in the reflection in a way that makes Jaebeom feel Jinyoung’s sadness, as if it was pouring from his eyes like unstoppable tears, filling the lift at alarming speed.

Jaebeom watches him closely and the look in Jinyoung’s eyes makes him understand what he means with that statement. Sometimes, when he thinks of the future and all the responsibilities he’ll have to bear, he gets scared and feels like he’s still a kid. He looks at his own reflection and sees a kid who’s not ready for the world. Jinyoung probably feels like that when he watches himself on the mirror.

The doors open in that moment, cutting through his thoughts. He walks out first and Jinyoung continues following him as he enters the passcode with the sound that confirms it’s unlocked.

“Do you want something to eat or drink?” Jaebeom asks as they take off their shoes at the spacious receiver before walking inside his home. “Did you have dinner? It’s quite late but if you haven’t I’m sure there must be something.”

“I’m okay, I don’t need anything,” Jinyoung answers, accepting the slippers Jaebeom offers and following him inside, towards his bedroom. 

“Are you sure? If you wanna grow a strong man, you need to get some meat on those bones,” he teases lightly, grin on his lips when he turns over his shoulder to meet Jinyoung’s eyes.

“Ha, ha, very funny, hyung.” Jaebeom only chuckles. “I’m fine though, I’m not even thirsty.”

Jaebeom squints his eyes at him, stopping in front of the kitchen as if he wasn’t sure to accept Jinyoung’s words. 

“Don’t go telling people I’m a bad host later, okay? The first time I wasn’t in the right mind to offer you anything.”

Jinyoung laughs, amused and unworried.

“Rest assured, I won’t speak of your host skills to anyone. I don’t even have anyone to bath mouth you to.”

Jaebeom feels sympathetic, even if the comment is made casually and unperturbed, as if he had accepted it already and embraced it. Jinyoung’s loneliness is something he wears confidently, but it still makes Jaebeom uneasy, wishing there was someone else for the younger, maybe like that he wouldn’t be so fascinated with death and would get a bit interested in life instead.

“I’ll have your word on that,” Jaebeom replies, deciding not to probe on Jinyoung’s lack of friends and instead he just continues their way to his room. “Get comfortable, I’ll go wash up first,” he says as he gets some fresh change of clothes and dipping his belongings on his bed. “I won’t take long.”

“No worries,” Jinyoung comments, already interested watching his library, head tilted to read the titles. “I won’t disappear while you’re in the shower.”

Jaebeom nods his head and leaves the room to his bathroom. He turns on the water and stretches a bit before taking off his clothes, feeling the tension in his muscles, stiff and knotted. He thinks of his aunt and hopes she’s getting a good massage. Jaebeom only has the hot water to serve of some relief for his sore muscles, especially on his back. He feels his skin burning when the water touches it, but he bears with it and tries to stretch his muscles under the water, massaging his neck the best he can. It helps him to relax and let loose a bit, but his body is still stiff when he is done and drying himself. He considers the option to go to a sauna some other day, he might even go with Youngjae or Jackson and Mark.

When he’s done and in fresh comfortable clothes (sweatpants and a large t-shirt), Jaebeom goes back to his room, still drying his hair with a towel, and finding Jinyoung sitting on the floor by his bed side, a book in his hands.

“What are you reading?” Jaebeom asks, making his presence noted and sitting by Jinyoung’s side, but on the bed, letting the tower rest around his neck.

Jinyoung shows the cover of one of the essay books he bought once, a few years ago. He doesn’t remember in detail what the book was about, the pictures more vivid in his memory than the words.

“You have a nice collection,” Jinyoung points out. “Quite impressive.”

“Thanks. You like reading, so how’s your collection? You must own many books, too.”

“Do I own anything?” Jinyoung asks offhandedly, flipping the pages without closely reading the content, just scanning the paragraphs. “Do you really own anything in life when after you die everything goes to someone else?”

“You own them while you live, after that they don’t hold any meaning,” Jaebeom answers, trying not to get startled or surprised by Jinyoung cryptic mood. “Owning something is a concept that only applies to the living.”

“Hmm…” Jinyoung hums. “Is there something you’d like to take with you when you die? Either something mundane like a book?”

It’s Jaebeom’s turn to hum in thought. “I haven’t really thought about it,” he replies honestly. “If I can take something with me, I guess, I’d like to take what makes me the happiest.”

“And what is that?” Jinyoung asks, his hand resting on a page with a picture of a sunset, his fingers running over it slowly and carefully, as if he were really trying to touch the sun hiding under the horizon.

“Maybe my camera?” Jaebeom considers. “I truly love taking pictures, capturing those special moments or the people that mean the most to me. That ability to freeze a moment and put it on a picture for you to appreciate without thinking that time is running out, taking away everything you see and know. Moreover, I have no idea what’s after death but I have the feeling I'd like to take pictures of that place.”

Jaebeom hears Jinyoung sigh and he watches him closely, so he can notice the small smile on his lips before he turns to look back at him.

“Some moments truly need to be immortalised,” Jinyoung concedes. “A camera would be great in death. It’d be great if you could take it with you, hyung. I’d like to see the pictures you take.”

“What would you like to take with you?” Jaebeom asks, curious now about Jinyoung’s thoughts.

“I don’t know,” he confesses, closing the book and tilting his head back, resting it on the bed next to Jaebeom’s thigh. “Which makes me wonder if I’m really living or not, and if not, then what’s the difference if I die? Even if I die, it would be more of the same.”

“Maybe you just haven’t found something that you don’t want to part ways with,” Jaebeom suggests, feeling an urge to touch Jinyoung, offer him some comfort. “But you’ll find that something that makes a difference between living and dying.”

“Maybe…” Jinyoung mutters, his eyes meeting Jaebeom’s, a small smile on his lips. “I envy you, hyung.”

“You’ll find something,” Jaebeom speaks as if he was so much ahead in life, which is ridiculous, he’s just one year older.

Endearing and so fond of the younger boy by his side, Jaebeom ruffles his short hair, annoying Jinyoung who immediately bats his hands away, making Jaebeom chuckle amused. Honestly, he wishes Jinyoung will find something that makes him feel like he’s actually living, something that’ll make living as fascinating as death is for him. Jaebeom wants Jinyoung to be happy.


	18. worry

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I swear from chapter 20 onwards it's just so many feels. Prepare yourself.

       By the time Jaebeom wants to go back to the hospital, Jinyoung still has no plans or any intention to head back home. The more he watches the younger, the more apprehension grows in his guts. There’s instability in his eyes, an emptiness that’s only noticeable when you truly look into his dark eyes. Jaebeom doesn’t want to leave him alone for the time being, so he takes the boy with him.

They take the same route to the hospital, and all the while Jinyoung is quiet and absentminded. Jaebeom doesn’t try to break the ice, only watching his companion through the reflection, wishing to know what triggered him to continue in this state. Their relationship is tentative yet, Jaebeom just recently accepting he cares about the other young man. He’s shared a lot of his own burdens, but Jinyoung has always been vague about his life, his family and everything else. He knows there must be a reason for that, but he feels hesitant to probe further.

Jaebeom is still debating himself when they arrive at the hospital. He’s about to just walk through the doors but Jinyoung has stopped and doesn’t seem to have the intention to follow him anymore.

“Do you wanna go back home now?” Jaebeom asks, not stepping back, just turning around and watching him standing a few steps from the doors.

“Not precisely,” Jinyoung answers. “But I don’t feel like going inside right now.”

“Then where will you be going to?” Jaebeom can’t help his apprehension, having a bad feeling in his guts. Something’s telling him not to leave Jinyoung alone.

Jinyoung shrugs. “I don’t know, but hyung, you don’t need to look at me with those eyes. I’m not going to go jump off the bridge or anything.”

“I know, it’s not your style,” Jaebeom points out, remembering the day they met and what Jinyoung said about jumping into the Hangang. “But you don’t look like you should be alone right now. Why don’t you go home? Or do you live alone?”

“I’m supposed to live with my parents,” Jinyoung answers, making Jaebeom frowns at the way he phrases that. “But even if I go home, it’s not like they’ll notice me.”

Jaebeom holds on to that little information, wanting to know more and more about Jinyoung, trying to understand why he is the way he is, what’s pushing him to feel so lonely and why he has nothing that makes him glad to be alive.

“Do you have a bad relationship with your parents? Both of them? What about your sisters?”

It’s evident Jaebeom has asked too many questions too fast in the way Jinyoung smiles, because it’s so different from every other smiles the younger has given him before. This smile is darker and infinitely sadder.

“You can say they gave up on me already,” Jinyoung muses, his eyes on the floor, the dark smile on his lips, making Jaebeom feel uncomfortable. “I’m sure they wouldn’t even miss me if one day I’m gone.”

“I’m sure it isn’t like that, Jinyoung-ah. Have you talked to them?” Jaebeom doesn’t exactly like how he sounds right now, his tone is the one of an older man, someone who thinks knows more and is being patronising. 

Jinyoung probably feels the same because for the first time, Jaebeom sees annoyance in the younger’s eyes when he looks up, his expression tense.

“Don’t talk like you have any idea what my family are like,” Jinyoung says in such a cold tone Jaebeom feels it in his bones. “You think I haven’t talked to them? You think I’ve never tried to make them understand?”

“I’m sorry… I—” Jaebeom mutters but Jinyoung’s features only harden.

“You thought you knew better and how to make everything right, thinking it’s just easy, like talking fixes it all.” Jaebeom feels truly sorry, he didn’t mean to belittle Jinyoung’s situation, his feelings or anything.

“No, I didn’t mean that!”

Jinyoung turns away, closing his eyes and taking deep breaths. Jaebeom watches him clenching his fists, a sign he’s trying to calm down.

“I’m sorry,” mumbles the younger, not meeting his eyes. “I overreacted and snapped at you.”

“No, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have taken it so lightly,” Jaebeom tries, wishing Jinyoung would meet his eyes, but that’s not happening.

“Go in,” the younger requests. “I won’t do anything bad. I need some fresh air and I’ll be better.”

“Jinyoung-ah,” Jaebeom calls softly, wishing his voice could reach him and make him turn. He is aware he could step closer, but for the first time he feels a wall between them and doesn’t dare to cross it, scared to shatter what they have.

“Go in,” he requests again. “I won’t do anything bad.”

Jaebeom feels in the younger’s tone that he’s drawing a line right now and he really doesn’t want Jaebeom to push him, so he accepts it and nods his head, heaving a tired sigh.

“Okay. I’ll see you around, then.”

Finally, Jinyoung turns to meet his eyes and although his expression is stony, he tries to smile. Jaebeom tries to return the gesture himself, but he feels awkward. He realises in that moment how a friendship with Jinyoung won’t be an effortless thing like it happened with Jackson. For a heartbeat, he considers not going through the trouble, but soon he realises he already began so he won’t go back now.

Jinyoung nods his head and Jaebeom presses his lips in a tight line, awkwardly waving his hand. He wants to see Jinyoung go, but the younger looks stuck in place and like he’s not going anywhere anytime soon, so he takes that as a sign to turn around first.

Turning his back on the younger, he steps closer to the doors and these open automatically for him, immediately feeling the warmer air inside, a stark contrast with the Seoul night in October. 

A few steps inside, he looks over his shoulder expecting to see Jinyoung still standing there or walking away, but when he does, the younger boy is nowhere to be seen. Jaebeom stops and scans the outside better, taking a closer look to every passerby, but none of them is his friend. His brow furrows, wondering where Jinyoung went so fast. After a few seconds without being able to spot Jinyoung, he gives up and shrugs, turning around again to take the lift this time. 

Jaebeom takes the lift to the eighth floor to his mother’s room, still having a bitter feeling in his guts for the small argument with Jinyoung. He knows it wasn’t that terrible, but it shows Jinyoung was more sensitive. Overall, Jaebeom is just worried, wishing he could do something but not knowing what. There’s so little he knows about Jinyoung and he’s like no one he’s met before, it’s hard for him to find a way around.

His Jinyoung thoughts are pushed to the back of his mind when the lift doors open and he heads to his mother’s room. As expected, when he slides the door open his mother is alone, the only reminder of his father’s visit are the roses by the window. Jaebeom sighs and smiles, wondering for how long his father stayed.

“Eomma, I’m back,” he calls automatically, like he always does as entering the room.

However, for the first time since the accident, there’s a response from the patient. A low hum that startles Jaebeom, making him realise his mother is still awake. The way his heart stirs with the strength of the realisation that this is truly happening, this is real.

His smile widens automatically and he hurries to his mother side.

“You’re still awake. Are you tired?” He asks, feeling his chest getting swollen with delight that she’s awake and meeting his eyes. 

His mother shakes her head lightly, a smile on her lips.

“Still, it’s late and you should go to bed. Tomorrow you start rehab,” Jaebeom reminds his mother, taking her hand and rejoicing when he feels her lightly squeezing back.

It’s so comforting having her back.

“H-hom-me,” his mother tries and Jaebeom understands what she means by just reading the worry in her eyes.

“I went home to change and get a break. I went with a friend,” he explains and watches his mother raise her eyebrows, questioning. “A new friend, you still don’t know him,” he smiles. “But he wasn’t feeling well so I’ll introduce you two another day. He’s helped me a lot in the past few months.”

Jaebeom is surprised when he says that, but it’s true. Jinyoung has helped him to distract himself, to breathe and to pull himself together. It would’ve been even more difficult if he hadn’t run into the younger boy, he realises now.

His mother smiles, squeezing his hand again and Jaebeom understands his mother is happy to hear that.

“T-ti-ti-red,” his mother stutters but he shakes his head.

“I’m okay,” he reassures her. “I’ll sleep better here with you than at home.”

Jaebeom chuckles when his mother sighs, not pleased with his attitude. He feels all warm because she’s annoyed that he’s not going home to get a proper rest. That’s just so _her_ , looking after him even if it means being alone.

“Do you need anything? Water?” His mother shakes his head. “Then you should try to sleep. I’ll go ask if they know anything about the rehab tomorrow.”

“S-s-schoo-ool?” His mother asks and Jaebeom blinks surprised, he completely forgot that he needs to go to attend his lectures.

“Um… it’s okay, a classmate is going to lend me the notes and—”

His mother doesn’t say anything, but the look in her eyes, cold and reproachful, is louder than any work and it cuts Jaebeom mid-sentence, making him gulp. It’s both amusing and surprising she’s acting so like herself, despite the new limitations. He’s both shocked she is already scolding him for not putting his education first without even saying a word; it also fills him with relief because his mother is the same inside, the accident didn’t change that and the more lucid she becomes, the more evident that is.

“I can’t leave you alone the first day of your—”

Her expression is cold and unamused, making Jaebeom nervous. Her eyes are so expressive and he can read without problem that she’s not buying his excuse. 

“Eomma!”

“No,” she says, so clearly he can’t help his own smile.

“Ah, fine. I’ll go to classes. You’re still so strict about that,” Jaebeom huffs, puffing his cheeks and not missing how his mother’s cracks a smile, like she always does when he acts like a kid. “Imo will be with you so I can settle for that much.”

His mother smiles so warmly, and just because of that, Jaebeom doesn’t mind if he has to attend his lectures instead of staying with his mother, because that reaction and pleasing her like that matters more than his own desires. 

 


	19. ease

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's still Sunday in Toronto so I'm keeping my words. Here's this week's update. Enjoy~

        As promised, Jaebeom goes to classes the next day, before his mother starts rehab but after his aunt comes back looking refreshed and energised. The visit to the spa actually helped her and Jaebeom feels so glad it’s like that, it makes him feel more at ease as he heads to university. On the train, he goes over the notes his classmate sent him so he won’t be that lost in the lecture during the day.

For the first time in the term, Jaebeom can actually concentrate during the lecture. His mood is a lot better and his worries are more manageable. Today he finally listens to what the professor is saying instead of wondering if his mother will wake up today or not. Paying attention makes him realise how behind he is in all his classes, and now that his mother is on her way to recovery, Jaebeom has room in his mind to worry about his school life.

Not appealing, really.

By lunch break, Jaebeom has not decided if he’ll sneak to go see his mother or just grab some _kimbap_ from a _pyeonuijeom_ while reviewing content and actually thinking of his final project. However, he’s surprised when he comes out of his classroom just to find Mark and Jackson waiting for him.

“Hyung!” Jackson cheers, smile wide and bright as he steps forward. “Congratulations! Your mother is finally awake! We’re so happy for you.” Mark nods along to what Jackson is saying, his smile as bright as the other boy.

Jaebeom smiles happily and grateful, well aware his friends indeed are delighted his mother is awake. They have already filled him with so many texts and emoticons to celebrate. Now, Jackson adds a tight hug that almost crushes Jaebeom’s bones, yet the boy doesn’t complain and just chuckles.

“How’s eomeoni doing?” Mark asks while Jackson is still giving him a bear hug, so Jaebeom looks over his friend’s shoulder to meet the older man’s gaze. 

“The doctor predicts some degree of paralysis. She can’t move all her limbs at will and her speech is super limited and she stutters, but that aside, she’s the same person. She recognises us all and even without a word she nags me to come to classes.”

Jackson pulls back just to laugh in his signature high pitched giggles, and Mark smiles even wider. Jaebeom cannot stop his own smile.

“She’s definitely the same, and that’s such a relief,” Jackson points out. “Do you think we can go visit her today?”

“She’d love it,” Jaebeom answers as he feels his phone vibrating. Casually, he takes it out to check like ten Kakao notifications from Youngjae. “And Youngjae is also coming. I’m sure having you two around will make him feel less anxious at the hospital.”

“Ah, Youngjae-yah, it’s been a while since we last saw him,” Jackson muses. “They grow up so fast.”

Mark pulls Jackson by the hoodie to give Jaebeom some of his personal space back, and to also return Jackson to where he belongs, next to Mark. Sometimes it’s disturbing how those two, when in the same place, can’t never be at more than two metres of distance.

“I have one more lecture after lunch, so we can go after that,” Jaebeom suggests, writing a reply to Youngjae to tell him Jackson and Mark are also going. The reply from his cousin comes in the shape of many dancing Kakao Friends.

They agree on the time and where to meet in campus, and then go to have lunch together. The difference from Jaebeom three days ago with the one in the present day is outstanding and he never realised how his own mood was affecting his friends. They tried so hard, all the time, to cheer him up, and that was draining them. Jaebeom was draining them. Now his friends are effortlessly cheerful, without having to watch their every word, without trying so hard to make Jaebeom part of it and cheer him up.

It feels like it used to be.

Slowly, Jaebeom’s life is going back to what it used to be, the heavy weight that was choking him is finally gone and he can breathe easily. And as Jaebeom realises how happy and comfortable his friends look now, his mind goes back to Jinyoung, wondering how the young man is doing. He feels himself like a better company for his new friend, and his mind is more open to actually help him if he needs. 

Jackson’s and Mark’s laughter fills the small restaurant as they eat their gigantic portion of _kimchi bokkeumbap,_ and at the sound Jaebeom can’t help wondering if Jinyoung could join them, laugh along, and even tease his friends. Could Jinyoung actually fit in with his friends?

Just as the thought crosses Jaebeom’s head, another more possessive and selfish one also does: he doesn’t want to share Jinyoung. Oddly, their time together is always special and unique, Jaebeom feels a lot more free when he’s with the younger after exposing himself so much, he feels even more comfortable than when he’s in front of his childhood friend, and that’s odd. Jaebeom doesn’t want that dynamic to change because more people join the picture.

“Why are you completely and utterly ignoring us?” Jackson asks.

“What are you thinking about?” Mark translates in a more reasonable question, clearly noticing how Jaebeom just zoned out. “Worried about your mother?”

“Uh, I… not exactly. I mean, I do worry about her and all what’s to come, but I’m confident we’ll make it through,” Jaebeom answers.

“But you weren’t thinking about that right now,” Jackson sees through him, easily.

“No,” he concedes and looks down, feeling somewhat embarrassed and reluctant to tell them exactly what he was thinking about. 

Whom he was thinking about.

“Why do you look like you’re thinking of your crush? Last time we checked you didn’t have a crush or even the time to look at anyone else but you mother,” Jackson muses, squinting his eyes as if like that he could run some X-Ray of Jaebeom and find out exactly what’s inside his head.

Jaebeom feels even more embarrassed at the suggestion, his cheeks actually warming up and surely exposing a very unbecoming blush that only incriminates him further.

“Wow, and now you’re blushing. Seriously, what’s going on here?” Jackson cries out, more exaggerated than needed, worsening Jaebeom’s embarrassment. “Did you meet someone that you haven’t told us about?”

Jaebeom rolls his eyes, trying to act nonchalant about the issue so they’ll stop nagging him.

“The only person you’ve mentioned is the one you’ve saved three times,” Mark points out and Jaebeom freezes, his eyes widening. It’s not like he was caught, because it’s not how his friends are imagining, but he was thinking about Jinyoung so they aren’t that far from it. “Have you met him again?”

“Oh. My. God. Look at how he’s blushing! He was thinking of his suicidal prince!” All embarrassment leaves Jaebeom when he hears that, frowning and clearly disapproving of Jackson’s words. “Sorry, it was the first cheesy thing I could think of. But seriously, what’s going on there?”

“Nothing. We’ve met a few more times and grew closer, I guess. I was just worried, last time I saw him he looked very unstable and fragile.”

“You do worry about him now,” Mark comments, watching him with a small smile that makes Jaebeom uncomfortable because it’s as if his friend was scanning and uncovering all his secrets.

“Well, I kinda owe him and he’s not as crazy as I thought,” Jaebeom mutters, looking away.

“It sounds like a lot has been going on, and you’re a terrible friend who doesn’t let us know if you’ve met the love of your life. How awful of you,” Jackson pouts and Jaebeom feels both nervous, surprised and annoyed at his friend’s statement.

“Stop saying he’s the love of my life or anything like that, Jackson. He’s barely a friend who’s got a lot going on in his life. If you knew him you’d also worry about him,” he states confidently, but late does he realise he should’ve chosen his words more careful.

“Then introduce him to us!” Jackson chirps. “We’d love to meet him, wouldn’t we, Mark?” He then asks to the older boy by his side, big puppy eyes and slightly pout that begs him to agree with him. Needless to do that, Mark agrees with Jackson ninety-eight percent of the time.

“Yes, that’d be great. I’m curious to meet the person who managed to become your friend even when you were so reluctant to see him ever again. He must be a very interesting person,” Mark comments with that little grin that carries a deeper meaning to his words. It makes Jaebeom incredibly uncomfortable.

“Then… I’ll ask him to meet you next time I see him,” Jaebeom agrees with a little stuttering, not exactly comfortable with the idea.

“Can’t you call him? Maybe he can go with us to the hospital,” Jackson asks, overly eager as usual.

“I don’t have his number,” he answers easily and feels uncomfortable to the puzzled expression on his friends’ faces.

“You don’t? Then how do you meet?” Jackson asks.

“Serendipity.”

“Fated,” both Jackson and Mark say in unison, as if they had rehearsed it, and then immediately giggle, which lessens the impact of their statement. Jaebeom laughs it off as well, not wanting to think of something like that although it’s a bit uncanny how they keep meeting so frequently even in a big city with more than fifteen million people. 

Luckily for Jaebeom they leave the topic and finish eating so he won’t be late for his last lecture of the day. After that, he meets them again and Youngjae to head to the hospital, and to his horror, Jackson makes sure to tell his cousin about Jaebeom’s crush: a mysterious and charming boy 

Jaebeom’s cheeks sport a cherry pink colour during the whole ride. It’s pointless to refute Jackson when he teams with Youngjae, the two way too excited about something that isn’t even as they think it is. And the fact that Mark laughs amused at their antics isn’t helping at all.

Honestly, Jaebeom is relieved when they make it to the hospital and to his mother’s room, where she’s with her sister. The smile on her face is automatic when she sees the other three young men in the room, the same as always and it’s evident it doesn’t only touch him because Youngjae tears up as he calls for his aunt, rushing to her side.

Jaebeom watches with a smile how his friend and cousin surround his mother, making her smile and expressing their love and worries. It’s a scene that warms up his heart.

His aunt approaches him as there’s not much space near his mother for anyone else.

“The rehab went well, and in the afternoon they performed some tests. Tomorrow we should find out the results to know the extent of the damage caused by the accident,” she informs him and Jaebeom nods. “The doctor came to visit and said that you’d mother would have to stay, probably, for another month here to monitor her and work on her rehab. If things progress well, it could leave sooner.”

“I’m sure it’ll be sooner,” Jaebeom mumbles and he truly means it. He does have a good feeling and trusts his mother, knowing she’ll work hard to get better and leave the hospital.

“She looks happy,” his aunt comments, also watching the scene, how Jackson immediately gives her a massage on her legs, Youngjae trying to curl up closer to his aunt and Mark smiling fondly.

“Indeed she does,” he agrees, loving the smile on her mother’s face and he’s so happy that she can do that on her own and without problem. “She’ll be fine.”

The certainty and determination is such a warm feeling in Jaebeom’s chest and it’s so refreshing, being able to breathe properly after three torturous months of uncertainty and gloom. He’s happy, too.


	20. missing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trigger warning: description of attempted suicide.
> 
> The triggers are all in tags but still, I sometimes forget what can be triggering and what can't. I'm too dense for that. Anyhow, I love the emotions of this chapter and the significance of everything. I hope you enjoy it.

Jaebeom’s mother continues rehabilitation diligently, and Jaebeom relaxes more and more every day regarding that. She’s working hard and progressing fast. The tests revealed she will be twenty-six percent paralysed, but she’d be able to walk with a crane and do most things without assistance. Her speech will improve as well and she shouldn’t have major problems communicating, still some days could be harder than others. What is wonderful is that aside from that, his mother will not show other sequels after the accident, and Jaebeom and his aunt couldn’t be happier. Everyone, actually, even the doctor was surprised and glad about the diagnosis. 

One week after she woke up, Jaebeom’s mother is already speaking full sentences, slower than normal but at least she’s communicating. She can lift and squeeze with both hands now, although she still struggles with her left hand quite a bit; her left leg is still very unresponsive.

All in all, she’s doing wonderful and that’s the best thing.

One week later, too, Jaebeom hasn’t seen Jinyoung anywhere, which is now his main worry. The last time he saw him, the young man looked so unstable and on edge, so Jaebeom cannot help imagining the worst case scenario. 

Jaebeom’s nightmares have changed after his mother woke up, but they have not disappeared. Instead of a car accident, Jaebeom dreams with bridges over dark pits of water, and Jinyoung standing on the rail, the wind pulling his clothes and hair in every direction, the rain pouring and mixing with his own tears. He opens his arms, welcoming the storm and death.

Jaebeom screams his name.

Jinyoung turns to look at him.

Jaebeom sprints forward.

Jinyoung smiles.

Jaebeom fears.

Jinyoung jumps.

Jaebeom wakes up screaming, hands reaching out to nothing but thin air.

Sometimes his dreams change a bit, instead of a bridge Jinyoung is on top of a tall, unmeasurably tall building, There are clouds everywhere and it’s impossible to see the bottom, the street. It seems like the free fall will be endless. And Jaebeom never makes it to Jinyoung side, his hand inches from grabbing his friend’s clothes but always too late, he only sees him falling, swallowed by the clouds and abyss. 

When Jaebeom wakes, his eyes are filled with frustrated tears, his skin pearled with cold sweat and his throat sore with hopeless screams. And with every passing day that he doesn’t see Jinyoung, it gets worse. Because of those nightmares (and because his mother doesn’t allow it anymore) he sleeps at home now, where even if he screams in the middle of the night, his father won’t care or won’t even hear him. However, that emptiness at home, without anyone to reassure him it was just a bad dream, it’s suffocating. 

Jaebeom regrets so much not getting Jinyoung’s number, because when he wakes up from a nightmare he’s even more desperate to just call him, hear his voice to know he’s still alive. He needs just that reassurance. Even a text message would help, anything. 

It’s overwhelming how worried Jaebeom grows day by day, evidence of how much he actually cares about Jinyoung by now, how quickly the boy grew on him. It makes Jaebeom incredibly sad to think that maybe one day Jinyoung will succeed and kill himself, get in some accident or intentionally take his life… and Jaebeom will never find out. No one will let him know Jinyoung isn’t with them anymore, he’ll live the rest of his life not knowing what happened to that different and strange young man he met on a bridge.

His mother notices his mood, the worry he carries and how his thoughts often drift to somewhere else, far away from the present.

“What worries you, adeul?” She asks, slowly and careful to pronounce every word correctly. Some sounds are still confusing and inaccurate, but he can still understand what she wanted to say, and she uses very simple sentences.

“Oh, it’s nothing,” he tries to hide, hesitant to talk about Jinyoung and his situation, not sure how others will take how worried he is.

“Don’t lie to your eomma,” the woman smiles, her eyes amused for his attempt to lie to her.

Jaebeom laughs sheepishly, looking away and trying to put his thoughts in order.

“I’m worried about a friend. I haven’t heard from him in over a week and last time I saw him he wasn’t doing too well,” he finally explains, his eyes fix on the view outside the window. The days are getting progressively colder, but the sky is always clear, the sun always big and bright.

“Go to his home?” she suggests and he knows she actually wants to ask why he doesn’t go to visit him home.

“I don’t know where he lives, and I never asked for his number. We always just met here, casually,” he explains, once again feeling regret for always leaving it to serendipity.

“Meet him here again,” his mother says, so slowly and this time Jaebeom has to think harder to figure out exactly what she wants to say with that simple sentence.

“To wait for him here? Like hoping to see him?” He questions, wanting confirmation.

His mother nods, that warm smile that promises things will be all right. “Hope is powerful.”

Jaebeom nods, thinking about it. He still spends a lot of time at the hospital, especially now that he’s persuaded his aunt to go back to her own home for a few days as his mother is doing so well. He hasn’t gone to the rooftop for a while, so maybe he should and wait there. Maybe Jinyoung will show up at some point.

But what if he doesn’t? Jaebeom is scared of assuming that it’ll mean Jinyoung is _gone._

“I’ll try,” he concedes, holding on to what she said about hope being powerful.

That’s why that night before going home and after saying goodnight to his mother, he goes to the rooftop. When it’s autumn and practically winter in Seoul by mid October, the sun has set already so when Jaebeom makes it to the rooftop, the lights from buildings, billboards and even the bridges not too far away replace the sun, outshining the starts and only allowing the moon to be seen in the night sky. It’s beautiful in a completely different way, it’s vibrant and busy, as if Jaebeom could feel the electricity in his own bones, the different colours stimulating all his senses.

It’s a cold night, the wind strong and chilly, so he bundles up in hoodie, taking the scarf from his backpack and wrapping it around his neck.

Aside from the buzzing energy from the city, the rooftop is empty. Jaebeom looks everywhere trying to find Jinyoung but he’s the only soul in that place. Still, he approaches the rail, taking a deep breath that chills his bones and makes him feel so alive at the same time.

With his hand on the rail, Jaebeom leans forward and looks down, at all the passersby, walking quickly to avoid the low temperatures and in a rush to get wherever they are going. The cars, taxis and buses in a constant movement like the waters of the Hangang. The view is similar yet a lot nosier, that’s for sure.

Jaebeom stays there for a while, watching everything and everyone, feeling somehow alien to what he sees. He’s there but he’s not part of anything, he’s so distant from the life on the ground and that somehow feels so liberating.

_No wonder Jinyoung likes it so much up here,_ he muses, once again thinking of Jinyoung and wondering where he is right now, hoping he’s somewhere, watching the night view, high in some building or bridge, away from the busy life of Seoul. 

By the time Jaebeom’s hands start to hurt, he decides he should go home. He tries to control his disappointment for not seeing Jinyoung, and hopes the nightmares won’t be too bad. He tries not to feel guilty for not caring more before, he tries not to think how if he had shown more interest, if he had reached out for Jinyoung a bit more maybe things would be different now.

He fails.

The nightmares that night are as terrible as usual, or worse. Jaebeom dreams he jumps after Jinyoung, but even if he does, only his friend is falling and he just stays floating, as the clouds were holding him, keeping him from reaching Jinyoung.

Seriously, can’t he ever save the other boy?

The next day, before going home, Jaebeom goes to the rooftop to wait for Jinyoung but he stays there alone again. 

He walks to the river, but he does not find Jinyoung.

The next day is the same. And the next one. Jaebeom waits, searches, and hopes to see Jinyoung, but that doesn’t happen. His anxiety is making his nightmares worse, now he starts to see Jinyoung when he impacts the ground and the horror that fills him when he does makes him so sick he ends up throwing up every time.

The more he thinks about it, the more scared he becomes that maybe that happened. Maybe Jinyoung died. Or he attempted suicide and survived and now he’s alone in a hospital, hanging in there for life. 

That is still better than death.

Jaebeom calls every hospital asking if someone named Park Jinyoung has been admitted in the past two weeks for suicide attempt or an accident. From one hospital they say they have a patient who had a heart attack, but the man is forty-seven.

Definitely not the Jinyoung he knows.

His Jinyoung isn’t in a hospital, which makes him star considering the option that maybe he’s in a columbarium already. When he thinks about that, his chest is tight and it’s actually hard to breathe, feeling desperation because how is he supposed to find his friend? He can’t even say goodbye.

Jaebeom regrets so much leaving him alone that night. He should’ve insisted, should’ve persuaded Jinyoung to come with him or go with him, make sure he went home safe and sound.

How could Jaebeom be so careless?

His mother is worried because every day Jaebeom looks anxious, and he can’t even hide it despite how happy he’s about his mother and how well she’s doing. He feels even guiltier because of that, but he can’t help thinking the worst happened to his friend.

Regret is a nasty emotion he does not know how to deal with.

By now, when more than two weeks have passed since Jaebeom saw Jinyoung last, going to the rooftop and then crossing the bridge to walk to the station at the other side of the river have become a habit for Jaebeom. He’s feeling particularly edgy that night, so much that not even the view of the light up bridges down the Hangang distract him. He stares every person he sees, wishing one of them turned to be Jinyoung, but no one does.

Jaebeom’s feeling hopeless by now.

The darkness of his feelings and fears is matching with the deep waters down the bridge, so he stops to take a look, breathing deeply the cold air and wishing that same cold will help him cool down his own mind and put things in perspective. But the vastness of the river only makes him wonder if Jinyoung is there, if he jumped and actually succeeded at killing himself, if the rescue boats were too late…

Jaebeom’s mind can’t be stopped when thinking of tragic outcomes for Park Jinyoung.

“Aish, Jinyoung-ah. Where are you?” He wonders out loud, grabbing the rail and leaning back, his head facing the starless sky, closing his eyes and breathing deeply, feeling his facial muscles freezing with the biting wind of late October.

“Walking behind you for a while already,” someone says, startling Jaebeom so much he lets go of the rail and falls back, landing on his bum. Yet he barely registers that, his heart hammering as he turns to his right, almost losing his mind when he sees Jinyoung standing there. The boy is smiling cheekily, his hands shoved deep int he pockets of his caramel coat, his hair a lot longer from the almost buzz cut from two weeks ago, his features as handsome as he remembers them, looking actually intellectual with round gold framed glasses.

Jinyoung looks so handsome, like taken from a melodrama. But overall, Jinyoung looks so alive and Jaebeom is so relieved he could cry.

“Did you miss me?” Jinyoung asks, his smirk growing and Jaebeom swears he could punch him.


	21. promise me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, yesterday went by too fast for me to update. But here it is, enjoy!

Jinyoung’s hand sticks out, waiting for Jaebeom to take it. He continues just watching the younger from the floor, his heart hammering with relief and surprise. Honestly, his whole body feels made of gelatine in that moment, so grateful Jinyoung is there, alive and smiling at him. Oddly, he feels like he can properly breathe now that he’s seeing him, his whole chest expanding just to give his heart more room to beat freely, louder and stronger. 

The only time Jaebeom has felt this relieved was when the doctor told him his mother had survived the surgery and later when she woke up. It’s understandable, his mother is basically the most important person for him, which makes it so odd that he feels so strongly when it comes to Jinyoung. They barely know each other, their friendship is tentative, just blossoming at best. It would be sensible to feel like that if it was about Jackson or Mark, or Youngjae, but Jaebeom thinks even if he didn’t hear from them in months he wouldn’t be that worried or that relieved if they showed up.

Perhaps, Jaebeom tells himself, it’s because he thought Jinyoung had killed himself. He’d never think that of any of his other friends. Maybe that’s why he feels so relieved to see the younger again, alive.

Happy. 

Jaebeom is just so happy to see Jinyoung, so he takes the hand the other boy is offering and allows Jinyoung to help him back on his feet. Using the momentum of the lift Jaebeom pulls Jinyoung to him, wrapping his arms around his slim frame, hugging him tight. The younger man is evidently surprised and tenses in his arms, not quite sure of what to do. Jaebeom, on the other hand, just squeezes Jinyoung as if trying to make sure he’s really there, breathing deeply and willing his heart to calm down, his friend didn’t kill himself, he didn’t disappear without saying a word.

“I’m so glad to see you again,” Jaebeom mutters, holding him a bit tighter, burying his face in Jinyoung’s shoulder, breathing in and associating the soft scent as Jinyoung’s.

His friend finally seems to relax and hugs him back, his own arms wrapping around Jaebeom, patting his back in a comforting gesture.

“It looks like you actually missed me,” Jinyoung comments, sounding amused.

“I missed you,” Jaebeom breathes out and he can feel how Jinyoung tenses once again. “I thought you had killed yourself. I had no idea how or where to find you. I was so worried.”

This time Jinyoung pulls back, needing to look into Jaebeom’s eyes to believe his words and confirm his honesty. Jaebeom knows he looks anxious and a bit on edge, he honestly looks like someone who’s been worried for a long time. However, this is how Jinyoung knows Jaebeom: anxious, nervous and worried.

“I told you I was going to be fine…” Jinyoung whispers and Jaebeom is shaking his head already.

He keeps Jinyoung at arm length, his hands on the other’s biceps, with a firm hold. His eyes are intense and a bit desperate, making Jinyoung not only surprised but probably also uncomfortable. 

“You didn’t look fine and I felt guilty the whole time, imagining the worst case scenario. The worst part was realising I would never know if something happened to you, and I’d have to live with that worry the rest of my life,” his voice sounds higher the more he speaks, his fingers burying deeper in Jinyoung’s arms, but the younger doesn’t complain.

“Don’t be dramatic, you would’ve completely forgotten about me after a while.” 

Jaebeom feels offended Jinyoung says that, and his face reflects that emotion. Jinyoung has made an impact in his life, somehow he got under his skin and became precious to him. How dare he say such thing?

“Can you stop saying stupid things and just promise me you’ll never leave without telling me first? At least to put me at ease?” Jaebeom asks, a tad bit fed up already and just needing that reassurance. “Have some sympathy. I keep having nightmares of you jumping and me being too late.”

Jinyoung doesn’t reply, he continues staring at Jaebeom as if he were trying to put all the puzzle pieces together but the big picture is too abstract, all the colours too similar and the pieces too small for him to make progress.

“I…” Jinyoung opens his mouth, but he doesn’t say more, just staring at Jaebeom. “I’m sorry, I didn’t… I didn’t think you’d be worried.”

“Are you kidding me? I worried even when I didn’t want to worry about you,” Jaebeom reminds him, clearly meaning all those times he rushed to ‘save’ him when he thought Jinyoung wanted to kill himself. “I kept waiting for you all these days at the hospital rooftop, just hoping to see you and make sure you were alive."

“You were?” 

“Do you really not believe me? Is it so hard for you to accept I was worried?” Jaebeom starts to see a different problem. He can see that it’s not that Jinyoung is laughing or that he underestimated him, or anything like that. The issue here is that Jinyoung never expected Jaebeom to honestly care about him to the point of worrying.

Jinyoung nods, confirming Jaebeom’s realisation.

“It’s not the first time I hide like this, from everything and everyone. But it’s the first time someone actually worries,” Jinyoung explains, his expression showing a vulnerability that tugs at Jaebeom’s heartstrings. “You know I’ve had my quota of suicide attempts, and my parents have always thought it was a cry for attention and they don’t even care anymore, just taking me to the hospital if necessary. Giving up on me already. No one thinks it’s because I truly don’t want to live.”

It’s so conflictive to hear Jinyoung speaking like that. Assuming the boy has ended up in the hospital before and confirming it are two very different things. Hearing that Jinyoung’s family don’t even care about the boy anymore… all that breaks his heart and it makes him want to pull the younger for another tight hug. Instead, his hands only hold him tighter, his arms shaking a bit.

“I’ve got to know you aren’t a shallow person,” Jaebeom says softly, feeling uncomfortable at the thought he’s comforting a suicidal person, scared to encourage him along the way. “I can tell it’s not for attention.”

Jinyoung laughs, void of humour and more pained than Jaebeom would ever want to hear.

“Maybe I do want attention, how can you tell?” The younger ponders, cynical. 

“It’s not attention, it’s recognition. You want acceptance and having people worry about you is  like showing they accept you,” Jaebeom explains and watches how Jinyoung’s eyes fill with tears, proof that Jaebeom hit the spot. “I’m sorry it’s like that, Jinyoungie…” he adds in a whisper, his tone incredibly endearing.

Jinyoung’s features quiver, his bottom lip trembling and his eyes are so glassy. He takes a deep breath and the first tear drops, and at the sight Jaebeom’s heart breaks for the other boy. Without thinking about it, he pulls Jinyoung against his chest again and offers him comfort like the younger did before when he needed it. 

Jinyoung needs to be held, and Jaebeom is there for him.

“You’re the first person to actually worry about me… to look scared I would never come back,” Jinyoung whispers, his face still hidden in Jaebeom’s neck, fisting his clothes and slightly trembling.  “No one has ever been afraid to lose me. I’ve never felt… wanted here.”

“It’s okay,” Jaebeom whispers, knowing it’s not but not having any other words of comfort. “I’m here now, Jinyoungie.”

“Why do I only get to know you _now?_ ” Jinyoung wonders, putting so much emphasis on the last word.

Jaebeom thinks about it, imagining meeting Jinyoung before and wondering how his presence in the younger’s life would’ve affected his actions. How would’ve Jaebeom changed Jinyoung’s life if they had met before? And vice versa?

“Maybe because we needed to meet each other now?” Jaebeom suggests, accepting he also needed to meet Jinyoung because the younger has been the most important factor to endure his mother’s situation. Being a distraction or just holding him while he cried, giving him a different perspective and just listening.

Jinyoung pulls back to meet his eyes, staying close but with enough distance to lock gazes. Jaebeom tries to smile as comfortingly as he can, rubbing Jinyoung’s arms to keep the other warm. The night is cold, the wind chilly and biting, it pulls the younger’s dark hair in every direction, making Jaebeom want to do something about it.

Keeping his smile, he lifts one hand to try to put Jinyoung’s hair in place, fighting the wind but not accomplishing much, yet he tries again. His fingers run through the smooth strands, still surprised how much they’ve grown since the last time he saw Jinyoung. He’s also surprised at how soft his friend’s hair is.

Jinyoung stares at him with bloodshot eyes, but they are also intent and heavy, making Jaebeom a bit nervous in a different way, alien and funny to him. It makes his stomach tight, as if he had knots inside, twisting in unsettling ways.

“Hyung…” Jinyoung mumbles, his hands sliding until he’s fisting the front of Jaebeom’s clothes, tight and pulling a bit, but not enough to move Jaebeom. “You’d really miss me if I’m gone?”

Jaebeom nods, not thinking of how he’s feeling and focusing on reassuring Jinyoung. Maybe that’s what the younger needs, some acceptance, someone who actually wants him to stay alive so he’ll stop trying to die. Maybe it’s as easy as to tell him he cares, he worries, he wants Jinyoung to stay alive.

“Yes, so please stay and don’t do anything reckless,” he requests, still trying to keep Jinyoung’s hair in place.

“But what if living is too hard? What if I can’t… take it?” Jinyoung asks in a small voice, his eyes trembling with uncertainty.

“If you decide you can’t go anymore, if you really can’t take it anymore… let me know. I can’t promise I won’t try to stop you, but at least give me the chance to say goodbye.”

Jinyoung’s eyes fill with tears again, his smile is so sad and broken, but there’s another gleam in his gaze, something beautiful that makes Jaebeom thinks he’s perhaps helping Jinyoung to pull the pieces of his life together. He watches him with so much fondness he didn’t even know ran that deep in his heart. Trying to memorise Jinyoung close to him and the night landscape of the bridges over the Hangang lighting up in every colour, giving light to a night where the stars can’t be seen, hoping he’ll be able to see Jinyoung against a beautiful landscape over and over again.

“Can you promise me you’ll let me know if you ever decide to leave?” Jaebeom asks once again, needing himself that reassurance.

“Okay,” Jinyoung finally agrees, smiling more warmly, still broken but more alive than before. “You make me want to stay.”

Jaebeom feels so happy to hear that. The promise and the fact he makes Jinyoung want to stay alive, and he doesn’t have to go out of his way to accomplish that, he just needs to be there by Jinyoung’s side and tell him he is important for Jaebeom.

That’s not hard at all.

“Good. Then stay here and live your life,” Jaebeom requests, wishing for Jinyoung to find more happiness, more reasons to stay alive, to take it all.

Jinyoung nods his head, although there’s still some reluctance and hesitance in his eyes, and Jaebeom can see the way he’s struggling. Still, it’s a first step and he’s delighted Jinyoung seems to have taken a more healthy path.

“Come on now,” Jaebeom speaks, stepping back and feeling immediately colder. “Let’s go somewhere warmer, I don’t want to catch another cold for staying so late here on the bridge. Plus, I have a lot to tell you.”

Jinyoung only smiles, shoving his hands in his pockets and breathing deeply, nodding his head. Jaebeom smiles even wider and leads the way, away from the heights of the bridge, away from the dark and the always flowing waters of the Hangang.


	22. attached

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't have excuses. I spent Sunday watching Japanese movies and I forgot what day it was. in compensation, I'll still be updating on this Sunday. Oh, and prepare because after chapter 27 things are gonna get painful. I think. Not sure. I'm not a good judge for these things.

Jaebeom leads the way, looking for a place where they could go and talk, somewhere warmer and not too noisy. Jinyoung walks quietly by his side, his eyes fixed on the ground, just following him without even wondering where they are going.

Jaebeom decides to stop by one of the big chain cafes that’s open twenty-four/seven, but as he grabs the door handle to open it for them, Jinyoung seems to react and reaches out to grab his arm, stopping him.

“I don’t think it’s good we go in there to talk, hyung,” points out the younger, confusing Jaebeom.

“Why? It’s warm and I’ll buy you a drink, my treat. I can get you anything else if you want. The honey bread here is pretty good,” Jaebeom offers, his hand still on the handle but his eyes exclusively on Jinyoung who looks quite anxious. The younger looks inside the cafe and his expression only shows reluctance. “What’s wrong?”

“Too many people,” Jinyoung mutters, squeezing Jaebeom’s forearm tighter.

Jaebeom looks inside more carefully and realises it’s indeed crowded, way too crowded. At the end of October, midterms are either happening or about to happen, so everyone is studying, especially in cafes that are open twenty-four hours. 

Inside, almost every table is being used by a student, and although it might not be noisy per se, it feels suffocating with so many people frantically studying.

“You’re right, I forgot it’s midterm season,” Jaebeom comments, releasing the handle.

“How could you forget? You should also have midterms coming,” Jinyoung asks, his expression changing as his attention is now on Jaebeom. The smile comes to his lips and his eyes seem to get some life again, and that look makes Jaebeom feel a lot better.

“In my defence, a lot has been going on. But you’re right, I should be studying like those people inside,” replies the older, not missing how Jinyoung is still holding on to his arm. “Anyhow, do you want a cup of coffee at least? We can walk somewhere but with something to drink.”

“I’m okay, but you can get one if you want and if you’re too cold,” Jinyoung rejects, slowly breaking the contact between the two and stepping back.

“I’ve never seen you eating or drinking anything. This is why you’re so skinny,” Jaebeom scoffs, thinking what he’d like to get.

“I’m a picky eater,” Jinyoung shrugs. “And I don’t like crowded places.”

“You’re so difficult,” Jaebeom rolls his eyes. “Fine, I’ll get something for myself only. Do you want to come inside with me to get it, at least?”

Jinyoung shakes his head so Jaebeom only heaves a tired sigh, but he doesn’t insists. Turning around, he walks inside to get himself honey citrus tea. He also orders hot chocolate for Jinyoung, even if the younger might not drink it, but at least to hold a hot cup of something. The younger is clearly surprised when Jaebeom comes out again, holding two cups.

“I know, but at least you can hold it and warm your hands,” Jaebeom points out when he sees  Jinyoung opening his mouth.

“I don’t get cold,” Jinyoung comments, just for the spite to keep complaining, Jaebeom is sure.

“Sure, sure,” he rolls his eyes, putting the cup of hot chocolate in Jinyoung’s hands. “Let’s go somewhere where we are sheltered from the wind at least.”

Jinyoung accepts the cup and keeps it closer to his body, like sheltering or hiding it, which just proves he was actually cold. Yet, he still doesn’t even take a sip and just walks by Jaebeom’s side. To break the ice, Jaebeom starts telling Jinyoung about his mother, how the treatment has been going and all the progress she’s made so far. He talks animatedly and cheerfully, drinking his tea at times and just feeling in such a better mood overall. The fact Jinyoung is by his side is such a relief and Jaebeom feels like now he can be happy more freely. The dark cloud that his worry for Jinyoung was has disappeared, so he feels light and joyful.

Moreover, Jinyoung smiles a lot, asks many questions and seems really happy for his mother. He looks far much better and that’s also a relief for Jaebeom.

They don’t end up anywhere, just talking and walking around. Jaebeom’s tea is long finished and Jinyoung’s hot chocolate is now cold so he takes the cup to throw it away.

It’s past midnight when Jaebeom realises the trains have stopped going and now his only way back home is a taxi. Even if his mother is awake, it makes him a bit anxious having to get in a car and he curses under his breath for getting so caught up he forgot the trains stop running before midnight. 

“What’s wrong?” Jinyoung asks when he hears him cursing.

“Nothing, I just realised the trains have stopped so I’ll have to take a taxi home.”

“I’d ask if you’re worried about the fee but I’m pretty sure it’s not that. Then what?” Jinyoung asks, his eyes always watching him closely.

“Since eomma’s accident, I kept having nightmares of her accident. I watched the CCTV footage so many times, I guess I got traumatised. I don’t like cars now,” Jaebeom explains and although he’s not very precise about how cars make him feel now, Jinyoung nods as if he could understand exactly what he means.

“What about renting a bike? I prefer them over any other form of transportation,” Jinyoung suggests. “Do you have the app for it?”

“The reason eomma got in an accident was because a bike,” Jaebeom breathes out, warring the memories of the accident that is burnt in his memory.

“Oh,” Jinyoung mutters, probably feeling uncomfortable for the tense mood that now surrounds Jaebeom. “Do you wanna walk home then? I can go with you.”

Jaebeom is surprised with the offer, enough to forget about what he was thinking and focus on Jinyoung.

“Why would you go that far with me?” He asks. “Then how do you go home? Where do you even live, Jinyoung-ah?”

“My parents place is in Mapo-gu, near Mangwon Market,” Jinyoung explains with a little shrug.

Jaebeom’s eyebrows arch incredulously, his lips parting to show his surprise. That’s not close to where he lives, at all. Not even that close to the hospital where they usually meet.

“And you still wanna walk me home?” Jaebeom inquires, not even trying to hide his incredulity.

“Well, yeah?” It sounds more like a question and it makes Jaebeom chuckle. “I don’t want you to go saying later I’m not a gentleman.”

Jaebeom laughs out loud then, shaking his head.

“It’s not like this is a date,” he mumbles, still smiling.

“Are you telling me it was only me thinking this was a date?” Jinyoung dramatises, so fake even a rookie idol debuting in a daytime drama would look like a pro. “You hurt me, hyung. I thought you also felt something special.”

Jaebeom continues chuckling, amused with Jinyoung antics. So amused he plays along, stopping all together and grabbing Jinyoung’s wrist to make him stop and turn around, facing him.

“Are you saying you feel something special for me, Jinyoungie?” Jaebeom asks, his voice deeper in his attempt to be more dramatic, but trying not to look as fake as Jinyoung.

His movement, however, startles Jinyoung when he pulls him close, invading his personal space, looking intently into his eyes. They are barely the same height, their eyes meet easily. Jinyoung’s eyes widen and he holds his breath, holding Jaebeom’s gaze.

“Do you want me to take you on a date, Jinyoungie?” Jaebeom’s voice lowers even more, becoming velvety, flirty. He doesn’t even notice how that changes, how his gaze becomes heavier, but he notices Jinyoung blushing and he finds that impossibly cute, and he enjoys it. He truly likes flustering Jinyoung, it makes his stomach tie in knots with delight and a desire to keep doing it, to push Jinyoung a bit more.

Jaebeom doesn’t realise how alarming that thought is until later.

“I uh…” Jinyoung mutters, clearly at loss of words and Jaebeom smirks. He actually smirks, proud of what he’s done to his younger friend.

“Don’t you think that’s rushing it, though? I barely know you, Jinyoungie,” Jaebeom speaks, finding he really like calling Jinyoung in such endearing way. “I mean, I just know now you live near Mangwon. I don’t even know your favourite colour or book. How could I take you on a date so soon?”

Jinyoung blinks and his expression morphs into a more serious one, his eyes not surprised or flustered, but pensive. It makes Jaebeom realised the joke is over.

“Do you think it’s wise getting closer?” The younger asks and he sounds dead serious about it, as if he really thought it was a bad idea.

“Don’t you want to?” Jaebeom asks, still standing very close to Jinyoung, not breaking the eye contact, not even for a second. The possibility that he’s the only one feeling attached is making him anxious, his heart beating heavily in his chest, fearful Jinyoung doesn’t want the same, which wouldn’t be such a crazy thought, after all Jinyoung doesn’t even want to live. “Do you wanna cut ties already?”

Jinyoung, to Jaebeom’s relief, shakes his head, looking down for a second. Jaebeom, feeling apprehensive, moves a bit closer, his hands itching to grab Jinyoung’s arms and just hold him. He doesn’t fully understand why he’s feeling like that himself. Jinyoung keeps making him feel so many things, throwing him off with just a look.

“I think it might not be good for you, hyung,” Jinyoung mutters, still looking down.

“Park Jinyoung,” he calls, his voice stern in a request for the younger to look up and meet his eyes.

Jinyoung does and Jaebeom can see there’s vulnerability in the younger, but not the type he saw before that made him so scared. Jinyoung now looks scared he might lose something… maybe someone.

“What do you want? I’d like to know your opinion. You’re the one who doesn’t seem to want friends,” Jaebeom asks, considering that maybe it’s like that, maybe Jinyoung doesn’t want to get attached to anyone as he’s so willing to disappear. 

Minimise collateral damage.

“What if I just kill myself one day? You made me promise to tell you. What happens if I decide to go through it? I let you know and everything. What happens then?”

“I’ll cross that bridge when I get there,” Jaebeom replies.

“You don’t mind if I do it then?”

“Of course I mind, quite a lot, Jinyoungie,” Jaebeom explains, smiling softly. “I didn’t want to get attached to you but I did. I don’t think it’s a matter whether I want to or not anymore. Still, I want to know what you want. Do you want a friend?”

Jinyoung stays in silence, just staring back at Jaebeom and he can see the way his lips tremble ever so lightly, which would be impossible to see had not been Jaebeom watching so intently. 

“I want you to be in my life,” Jinyoung finally replies, softly, his words a whisper, carried by the cold wind of mid autumn.

“Then it’s settled,” Jaebeom smiles, ruffling Jinyoung’s hair to light the mood so his friend stops looking so vulnerable.


	23. intermission

 

 

 

 

 

“What would you do if one day I just disappear?”

“Miss you.”

“Are you planning on making me want to live?”

“Yes.”


	24. introductions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> New chapter! I've been writing a bit this long weekend and according to my best friend who reads the story as soon as I write the chapters, it gets really good. And sad. So prepare yourselves. For now, enjoy the cuteness.

 

Somehow, Jinyoung has become very important for Jaebeom. Maybe it was because they met at the older’s most vulnerable time. Maybe it was because Jinyoung doesn’t have anyone else. Maybe… just maybe, because both needed each other. Regardless the reason, Jinyoung has become an extremely important person for Jaebeom, he’s constantly in his thoughts, and often Jaebeom finds himself wondering when he’s going to see the younger again, looking forward to those moments.

Jinyoung  is that important that Jaebeom talks about him… a lot.

“I feel my position as oldest and childhood friend is being threatened, even when your Jinyoung can’t be your childhood friend but I feel threatened okay?” Jackson complains when they meet one day for lunch, after Jaebeom, effortlessly, ends up mentioning Jinyoung because something reminded the older of his new friend.

“No one is going to take that title from you,” Mark reassures Jackson, a comforting hand on the younger’s thigh to which he clings to, always hungry for affection, for touch.

“I’m sure hyung never talks about me with that look in his eyes,” Jackson continues, turning to look at Mark with big pleading eyes, talking about Jaebeom as if he weren’t sitting across from them. “I’m sure he only looks annoyed when he talks about me.”

Mark chuckles, ever so fondly, pulling Jackson to rest his jealous head on his shoulder, softly patting his head covered in a baseball cap, as usual.

Jaebeom rolls his eyes. He loves Jackson and he doesn’t always looks annoyed with his friend, only occasionally. Jackson is just being overdramatic and Mark dotes on him too much.

“He clearly doesn’t feel the same about you or me as he does for Jinyoung-ssi,” Mark explains softly while Jackson fists the older’s jumper. “If he did, then he and I would have a serious problem.”

Jaebeom tilts his head, trying to get the full meaning of Mark’s words, but apparently he’s too slow and Jackson too fast. The younger pulls back, eyes wide in shock and realisation as if he finally understood the meaning of life. Mark only nods, clearly communicating with his boyfriend without uttering words, and leaving Jaebeom completely out of it.

Jackson turns to stare at Jaebeom with new eyes, mouth slightly open and Jaebeom is feeling extremely uncomfortable.

“Ohhh,” the younger voices, nodding his head slightly. “I see.”

“What do you exactly see? It’s making me nervous, I have no idea what’s going through that head of yours.” Jaebeom asks, feeling anxious indeed.

“It’s totally okay, hyung,” Jackson says, comfortingly, which is more unsettling than anything. “You haven’t realised yourself, but it’s totally okay. When you do, you’ll understand how beautiful it is.”

“You don’t make sense. Speak clearly,” Jaebeom asks, feeling heat blooming on his cheeks, although he doesn’t know why exactly.

Must be the way Jackson and Mark are staring at him.

“It’s fine, I’m sure he’s a wonderful person, worthy of your feelings,” Jackson speaks, his tone soft and velvety, his voice with an inflection that makes Jaebeom’s guts twist unpleasantly. 

“I don’t like your tone,” he deadpans, breaking the eye contact and trying to hide his blush. “I just  said how that guy looked like Jinyoung. You talk as if I were swooning over him instead.”

Jaebeom doesn’t need to look at Jackson to know the heavy stare that carries too much meaning, and Jaebeom isn’t willing to deal with that right now.

How weird is it to see someone and be reminded of another person you’re fond of? The guy was tall and slim, his frame elegant, his hair jet-black and perfectly styled. Once the young man got closer Jaebeom realised it wasn’t his Jinyoung, but another man, not nearly as handsome or graceful as his friend. Obviously, he felt disappointed and wished it had actually been Jinyoung instead.

“You talk so much about him, I think it’s necessary we meet him,” Mark comments and Jaebeom can hear how Jackson is nodding his head with so much strength he probingly hurts himself. “When are you going to introduce us to him? I’m really curious to meet the person that became so important for you so fast.”

“Someday,” Jaebeom whispers, feeling uncomfortable with the idea of sharing Jinyoung. 

For all his oddity, Jinyoung is charming and interesting, someone who makes you want to get to know him better. Jaebeom can guess Jinyoung and Mark will get along perfectly, and Jackson will make his way to Jinyoung’s heart like a puppy, unstoppable. Thinking about that, about Jinyoung paying attention to others and making new friends makes him feel less special, and for some reason Jaebeom wants to be special for Jinyoung.

“You don’t need to be so reluctant, no one is gonna steal him from you,” Mark comments as if he could peek in Jaebeom’s petty brain. He turns to stare at his friend bewildered, giving himself away. “I’m already in love and I have no eyes for anyone else. And Jackson better be the same.” Mark's smile as he says that is so sweet and threatening at the same time it makes Jaebeom shiver, but Jackson looks impossible fond, cooing at the older. “And your Jinyoung better know his place, too.”

“He’s not my Jinyoung. It’s not like there are more out there or anything,” Jaebeom complains, just not to address the issue about being in love and becoming a threat for others. That implication Mark stated makes Jaebeom too uncomfortable. 

Mark gives him a dead glance and Jaebeom knows exactly what it means.

“I know there are plenty of other Jinyoungs, especially Park Jinyoungs, but not in our circle. That’s what I mean, we don’t need to state specifications.”

“He’s yours, though,” Jackson speaks again. “You’re the only one that knows him and for us that makes sense. We only associate him to you.”

Jaebeom feels the heat coming back to his cheeks, stronger, brighter. He doesn’t want to grin, but the corners of his mouth tug upwards, pleased with the idea of the connection with Jinyoung in his friends’ eyes. But then he’s so appalled with how possessive his thoughts can be.

It’s never easy or simple how he feels about Jinyoung.

“Introduce us,” Jackson insists. “I wanna see if you two look so much as soulmates as I imagine it.”

“Idiot,” Jaebeom deadpans, throwing a used napkin to his friend, hitting right on his forehead.

Soulmate idiocy apart, Jaebeom keeps the thought of introducing his friends to Jinyoung in his head. He imagines they’d get along, and although it makes him a bit jealous (he’s never going to accept that out loud, though), he’s sure it’d be fun. Moreover, his mother has also shown interest in meeting someone that makes Jaebeom speak so fondly.

His mother is doing great, better than anyone could expect. She won’t be like she used to, but she’s working hard to recover the best she can, to go back to her old life as soon as possible. Jaebeom is incredibly proud and by now he’s totally used to her slower and simpler speech. He loves talking to her, more than he did before the accident, even more than he did when she was in coma. Now she listens, looks at him and answers and that makes him so happy.

Obviously, Jaebeom has talked about Jinyoung a lot, telling him how they met, his worries and how relieved he feels every time they meet again. And his mother, just like Jackson and Mark, has expressed her desire to meet the young man as well.

Jaebeom has been thinking about that all day, so when he goes to the rooftop by sunset, he’s still figuring out what would be better, introducing Jinyoung to his friends first, or to his mother.

After finding Jinyoung again, they’ve been meeting every day at the hospital rooftop around sunset. They haven’t agreed to it, at least not verbally, but somehow they ended up doing it every time. Almost unconsciously. By the time the sun is setting, Jaebeom says goodbye to his mother and heads to the rooftop instead of going home.

Today, when Jaebeom walks past the door that lead to the rooftop, Jinyoung is already there. His hands on the rail, body tilted back, face to the purple sky with almost no clouds when it’s already November. 

As usual, Jaebeom is struck with how ethereal Jinyoung looks against the sunset, his hair, quite long by now, dancing with the wind, becoming a wonderful mess. His pale skin that seems like it’s never seen the summer sun is faintly tainted purple with the light of the sunset, as if it were trying to consume Jinyoung and make it part of it.

For a few seconds, Jaebeom just watches how Jinyoung is caressed by the wind, how he enjoys the bitting cold dressed maybe too lightly for the season.

It takes a while for Jaebeom to start walking again, towards Jinyoung until he stands by his side, his hands also on the rail, next to Jinyoung’s, their skins in touch.

“You’re here,” Jinyoung mutters without opening his eyes, but now smiling wider to the sky.

“How long have you’ve been waiting?” Jaebeom asks, just watching his friend. The landscape is beautiful, the city painted in lilac and pink as the sun hides in the west; but for him Jinyoung is a more fascinating sight.

“Hmmm… a minute. An hour. A lifetime. I don’t know,” Jinyoung muses, vague and dramatic, but by now Jaebeom is so used he doesn’t mind. He just understands Jinyoung hasn’t been paying attention to time passing by, he’s just _being_ there.

“Are you cold?” He asks next, noticing Jinyoung is wearing nothing but jeans, a turtleneck and a hoodie. Not even a scarf. Whereas Jaebeom is in thick jeans, army boots, turtleneck, hoodie and a coat. 

And a scarf.

“Hmmm,” Jinyoung mumbles, not really denying or confirming Jaebeom’s statement. “I won’t die.”

Regardless, Jaebeom takes his own scarf and wraps it around Jinyoung, carefully and gently. The younger finally faces him, his eyes showing his surprise, but not complaining.

“Getting a cold is annoying, even if it won’t kill you,” Jaebeom explains, his hands still holding the ends of the black scarf that now protects Jinyoung.

“You’re like a mother sometimes,” Jinyoung grins and Jaebeom only shrugs. “How's your mother doing?”

“She’s great. The doctor said in a week or so she could be discharged,” Jaebeom explains, his smile even wider. For a while longer she’ll still have to use a wheelchair, but optimistically speaking, there’ll be a day she won’t need it anymore. “Ah, and talking about eomma, she wants to meet you.”

Jinyoung raises his eyebrows, clearly surprised with how sudden Jaebeom just throws that ball.

“And my friends, as well. They keep nagging me to introduce you to them. They are so curious.”

“Oh, and why is that? Do you talk about me that much? Good things or bad things?” Jinyoung sounds amused.

“I don’t know,” Jaebeom shrugs. “ I just talk about you.”

Jinyoung’s smile slowly fades and Jaebeom can read how the younger starts feeling uncomfortable, as if now he were actually thinking about the possibility, and not liking it.

“I don’t think it’s a good idea,” Jinyoung mutters, looking away, to the city. The sunset is over, always so fast, taking with it the beautiful colours that bathed the city and made it look so picturesque. Now it’s just artificial lights, of every colour, shape and brightness.

“Why not? Are you nervous they won’t like you or anything?” Jaebeom wonders, wanting to understand what’s making Jinyoung uncomfortable with the idea.

“It’s not that,” Jinyoung replies in a whisper, leaning forward on the rail, propping his weight on his forearms now. “I just don’t think it’s a good idea. For you.”

“Why is that?” Jaebeom insists.

“It just wouldn’t. It would ruin things for us,” Jinyoung’s eyes look down, to the street thirteen floors under them, crowded with people walking in every direction

“I don’t agree, I think it—”

“Hyung, leave it,” Jinyoung cuts him in. “It’s best to stay as we are right now. I don’t want to change this.”

Jaebeom doesn’t fully understand, although he tries to. He likes their current dynamic and only existing in the other’s company but disappearing when they part ways, not having any other form of keeping in touch. But at the same time, Jaebeom is greedy and wants more. He wants Jinyoung to be more part of his life.

However, he doesn’t want to push Jinyoung to do something he’s not comfortable with, knowing his friend walks a fine line between life and death, always looking forward falling on the latter side. He’s afraid of what pushing Jinyoung could do to the younger. And just because he wants to be careful until he can actually predict Jinyoung a bit, he accepts that answer and doesn’t bring it up again.


	25. ever-changing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the slow burn is real. Enjoy.

By now, the fact his mind is frequently consumed by Jinyoung doesn’t surprise Jaebeom anymore. He’s gotten used to randomly thinking of the younger when he’s doing something else, wondering what his friend is doing at the moment, if Jinyoung also thinks of him as often as he does. He does keep quiet about that, just to save himself the endless teasing from his friends.

Jinyoung makes it to his thoughts even when he’s focusing on his studies again. As Jaebeom’s mother is doing increasingly better, he can actually worry about university, working hard to catch up with everyone else. He’d been attending to most of his lectures but all that time he was mostly warming a chair instead of learning. Now he’s had to ask for help to his classmates, study three times harder just so he can pass his courses instead of falling and getting behind.

His friends are helping him, like Youngjae bringing him coffee when he locks himself in the library to study. Mark and Jackson make sure to drag him out of the library for proper food instead of just coffee and bread. His mother also watches him fondly when he’s studying by her side at the hospital, asking him questions so he can verbalise what he’s learning. And by the end of the day, he meets Jinyoung who sits by his side, watching him going over his notes, reading theory and watching other photographer’s work as he tries to get inspired. Jinyoung listens fascinated as Jaebeom explains how to use his camera, or patiently when he complains about not having a clue what to make his final project about, what story to tell.

By now, Jinyoung is as constant in his life as his mother and friends. However, Jinyoung is also the most unsettling presence. It’s not only that it seems Jinyoung only exists when he’s next to Jaebeom, not doing anything else during the day. No, that’s not the most unsettling thing about Jinyoung but how changing he is. He never looks the same two times, and sometimes he looks so different as if he was another person, another version of himself, but it’s always just _him_ , knowing everything they always talk about, continuing their conversations, always worrying about his mother’s health.

One day, Jinyoung shows up bright and joyful, as if life was the most wonderful thing. He jokes, laughs out loud, teases Jaebeom endlessly and never stops smiling. Seeing Jinyoung like that makes Jaebeom’s heart soar with delight because it doesn’t seem like he could lose his friend the next day. When Jinyoung looks like that, Jaebeom can’t stop staring, loving the deep crinkles at the corner of his eyes, a sight of a happy smile and many years doing that. Jaebeom particularly loves the way the corner of Jinyoung’s mouth curl in a wide smile, showing all his teeth and making him look young because he just seems so full of life.

Happy Jinyoung’s is Jaebeom’s favourite.

But on the next day, Jinyoung comes looking younger, so much younger but only on the exterior. His eyes, those deep brown eyes, look way much older, carrying all the burdens from the world. His expression is exhausted, worn out and painted with despair. He barely talks and hides under the long fringe, his hair much longer than it should be after just one day. Jinyoung’s smiles on that particular day are sad, fake and borderline hypocritical. Seeing Jinyoung like that makes Jaebeom so anxious because it gives him the impression Jinyoung won’t show up the next day as he looks as someone who has already given up. When Jaebeom sees him like that, he ends up holding on to his friend a lot more, as if like that he could stop him from doing something crazy. He makes Jinyoung rest on his shoulder or his lap, soothing him with soft and tender caresses, playing with his jet black hair.

“You hair grows abnormally fast,” Jaebeom points out, his notes aside and Jinyoung on his lap, his own fingers playing with the long strands. His hair can almost cover completely the big ears Jaebeom is already so fond of.

“Hmmm…” Jinyoung mutters, per usual, not giving a clear answer to such harmless comment.

“How often do you need to get it cut?” Jaebeom continues because it really makes him curious. One Day Jinyoung’s hair can be really short, as if he had had a buzzcut not long ago, but a few days later he looks as if he hasn’t got a haircut in months.

“I don’t know. Somedays is shorter, somedays is longer. I don’t care about that,” Jinyoung mutters.  “It’s just hair and it still grows even when we’re dead. All my organs can stop, but my hair still grows. Isn’t that creepy?”

“I like it when it’s long,” Jaebeom decides to comment instead of stating a morbid opinion about post-mortem events. “It suits you better.”

“Just for that I should keep it buzzed the whole time,” Jinyoung rebukes but Jaebeom can hear the teasing tone so he just chuckles.

“You are the only person I know whose hair grows crazily fast.”

“I’m unique in so many way you can’t imagine. You’ll never meet anyone like me again.” Once again, there’s that teasing tone that makes Jaebeom laugh just as he feels a tug in his chest. Jinyoung is indeed a unique person, especially for him, but he’s not talking about that.

Jaebeom doesn’t say he also doesn’t want to meet anyone like Jinyoung again, he just wants his young friend by his side indefinitely. He doesn’t want a replacement.

It’s the fact he doesn’t want Jinyoung to disappear from his life and how anxious he feels every time he notices how different his friend looks that motivates Jaebeom to take pictures of Jinyoung. He remembers the first time he took a picture of him, unconscious, without thinking, just because he was struck with the ethereal image of the younger against the sunset. Oddly, when Jaebeom looks for that picture on his phone, he can’t find it. There are many of sunsets, but none of those has Jinyoung in the frame.

His favourite camera is his film camera, he carries it almost everywhere. He uses that one normally for personal interest, photographing what he loves or what he deeply cares about, especially people that mean the world to him. Jaebeom particularly likes to take pictures of them when they are unaware he’s watching them through the viewfinder. For Jaebeom, spontaneous and natural pictures are more meaningful, they capture the true essence of the moment.

Following that ideology, he normally takes a picture of Jinyoung when he’s not looking. Leaning against the rail, watching the sunset, or people watching, humming to himself, or with his eyes closed and facing the cold wind of the end of November, embracing the cold weather even when he’s dressing so lightly. Jaebeom always ends up putting his own scarf around the younger’s neck to protect him somehow.

Jaebeom has lost many scarfs already.

Seriously, most of the time it’s like Jinyoung is unaware of the weather, dressing either too lightly when temperatures get closer to zero Celsius degrees; or too warmly when the sun actually keeps you warm and a thick long coat isn’t necessary. It’s as if Jinyoung exists unconcerned about the seasons and disregarding the weather forecast.

It’s a miracle Jinyoung doesn’t get sick. That’s why Jaebeom tries to keep him warm when it’s too cold and his friend isn’t prepared.

When Jinyoung looks so out of place, dressed as if it was a spring day when it’s almost winter, Jaebeom always makes sure to capture the image in a photograph. The dichotomy is immensely beautiful and attractive for him to miss.

Jinyoung is unaware of all the pictures Jaebeom has taken of him, and a part of him feels guilty for not having consent, and for that reason he hasn’t developed those pictures yet. He has that gut feeling that one day Jinyoung won’t be around and those unaware pictures will be all he has left.

Jaebeom tries not to think too much of not having Jinyoung around.

“Hyung,” Jinyoung calls some other day when Jaebeom is, once again, wrapping his own scarf around Jinyoung’s neck, taking off his coat to cover Jinyoung who only wears a thin shirt and a cardigan even when temperatures are below zero and the forecast says the first snowfall is around the corner. “You’re gonna get a cold if you lend me your coat.”

“I am wearing more layers than you do,” Jaebeom points out and he does. Not only a thick hoodie but at least other two layers under it. “You’re at more risk to get pneumonia or something. You’ve been waiting here for a while, haven’t you? Why aren’t you wearing a coat in this cold weather?”

“I won’t get sick, hyung,” Jinyoung replies, shaking his head and trying to shrug off the coat, but Jaebeom doesn’t allow it, grabbing the lapels of the garment and keeping Jinyoung firmly in place. “It makes no difference if I wear your coat or not, hyung. It’s better if you do.”

“If you care about me and don’t want me to take my own coat to keep you warm, then wear yours next time. That way no one gets frozen,” Jaebeom proposes. 

“It’s not something I have control over,” Jinyoung mutters under his breath, looking away and even sulking. That expression distracts Jaebeom enough not to pay too much attention to what he said.

“Of course you do, stop being stubborn. Fashion isn’t that important, and you look equally handsome when you’re bundled up,” Jaebeom compliments, not too concerned about what he said, but definitely enjoying the way Jinyoung gets flustered, incapable of meeting his eyes. “Or maybe we should stop meeting at the rooftop.”

“I can’t be in a place with too many people around,” Jinyoung sighs. “And people can’t see us together.”

“Oh really? What are we? Star-crossed lovers or something?” Jaebeom laughs. “Sometimes you’re so dramatic. Maybe you should consider becoming an actor, you know?” 

Jaebeom smiles, realising Jinyoung won’t try to shrug off the coat so he releases the lapels and uses his now free hands to ruffle the younger’s hair, affectionately. It’s fairly short today, leaving Jinyoung’s ear completely exposed. Surprisingly, his ears aren’t cold but Jaebeom still cups them with his hands to protect them, and also to make Jinyoung look at him despite how embarrassed he clearly is.

“But seriously,” Jaebeom speaks again, aware his voice must sound muffled to Jinyoung now with his hands on his ears. “We need to find somewhere else to meet. Eomma is getting cleared up tomorrow, so I won’t be coming to the hospital every day.”

“Tomorrow? Really?” Jinyoung echoes, a big smile spreading on his lips. “That’s wonderful. She’ll still have to come for therapy, right?”

“Yeah, but I won’t always come with her as it’s normally around noon, and I have classes,” Jaebeom explains.

“I see,” Jinyoung hums. “It’s easier for me to meet here, but I’ll go wherever you are, hyung.”

Jaebeom laughs, the statement as dramatic as Jinyoung. However, he laughs because he feels flustered as well, something inside of him making him feel nervous and restless, so he hides it with his laughter.

“Oh, are you going to follow me like a puppy? Are you that attached to me?” Jaebeom smiles, joking, but apparently Jinyoung doesn’t realise that.

“Oh,” he accepts, making Jaebeom’s heart skip a beat or something, he can’t tell exactly what happens inside, but it startles him, it makes him hold his breath and stare at Jinyoung wide-eyed. “You’re all I have.”

Jinyoung looks so calm, so accepting of what he says, not even a slightly bit embarrassed, but Jaebeom knows he’s blushing, bright and unbecoming. He’s the embarrassed one who shies away, taking his hands away from Jinyoung and shoving them in his hoodie pocket, stepping back and breaking the eye contact, clearing his throat but not saying anything for a few seconds.

“If… if that’s the case… then I guess we really need to find a new place to meet,” Jaebeom says, but his mind isn’t really focusing on thinking of a place.

“I’ll go find you, no worries, hyung. I won’t be leaving you anytime soon,” Jinyoung promises with a smile that’s a bit hesitant but also hopeful and it warms Jaebeom better than any coat.

“I’ll hold you on to that,” Jaebeom says, almost threatening, pointing a finger at Jinyoung and trying to look stern. 

Jinyoung’s smile only widens, joyful, and that works better than anything to get rid of the embarrassment Jaebeom was feeling. It also soothes that constant worry in his heart, that fear to lose Jinyoung.


	26. addicted

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy, my friends.

As planned, Jaebeom’s mother is ready to be cleared out the next day. The doctors and nurses are all happy for her, stating over and over again how delighted they are for how fast and efficiently she’s been recovering, expecting things to only get easier. She’ll have to keep coming back for rehab, so it’s not a farewell, but still the staff around are now people Jaebeom became fond of, and so did his mother. They were always hopeful and supportive, and even if Jaebeom’s mother’s doctor was stoic and standoffish at first, she warmed up and smiled encouragingly by the end. Probably, she was surprised with the speedy and stable recovery Jaebeom’s mother was displaying. 

Jaebeom feels somewhat conflicted with the new status. For four months the hospital is the place he’s seen the most, where he spent so many nights, waiting, worrying or just pondering what the rest of his life would be. Now he’ll only come for certain occasions, which is both a relief but at the same time, odd.

Moreover, Jinyoung’s been a constant present at the hospital, making it all more bearable for Jaebeom and also becoming something he looked forward to every day. Surely Jinyoung promised they would keep meeting, but where? Somehow, the hospital rooftop became _their_ space and now Jaebeom feels he’s losing that.

Maybe he’s just being overly dramatic, and he has Jinyoung’s to blame for that.

Driven by that dramatic spirit, before they have to leave the hospital, Jaebeom goes to the rooftop. It’s earlier than normal so he isn’t sure Jinyoung’s going to be there, but just in case. To his surprise, however, the younger man is there, sitting on the rail, facing the door which Jaebeom comes out from, as if he was expecting him.

Naturally, easily and happily, his smile comes out when he sees his young friend in front, his heart doing this funny thing that’s been happening for a while. Jaebeom says it’s just relief to see Jinyoung again, knowing the boy is still hanging in there.

“Hey there,” Jinyoung says, smiling softly, his eyes showing the same fondness Jaebeom feels in his heart, mixed with gratefulness. It’s evident for Jaebeom as he walks towards his friend. “I knew you’d come here.”

“I’ve become predictable,” Jaebeom replies, walking steadily to his friend until he’s in front of the younger. 

He can see Jinyoung has his feet hooked with one of the iron bars of the rail, holding him in place, but that doesn’t stop the older from grabbing Jinyoung’s wrists, if anything with the excuse to keep him in place if he suddenly lost balance and fell backwards. Truth be told, though, Jaebeom just craves touching Jinyoung, making sure he’s really there.

“I’d say you’ve become addicted, actually,” Jinyoung jokes, the look in his eyes more teasing and amused.

“Of what? You?” The older laughs, even if there might be some truth there.

“You can’t deny it. You can’t go a day without seeing me. Admit it, it’s easier.”

Once again, Jaebeom laughs, louder than he should, shrugging off what Jinyoung says, even if there’s some truth in that joke. If a day goes by when Jaebeom doesn’t see the younger, he becomes anxious and he feels longing wracking him, unsettling him.

He’s no way near to admit that, ever.

“You think you’re that charming, uh?” Jaebeom jokes along, it’s just easier than admitting his feelings sometimes don’t seem to be the type you hold for just a friend.

“I _know_ I’m that charming,” Jinyoung replies, leaning closer. 

As he’s sitting on the rail he’s taller than Jaebeom, making the older tilt his head slightly backwards to meet eyes. When Jinyoung leans forward, he gets maybe too close, invading the older’s personal space, which consequently makes Jaebeom’s heart rate to speed up. There’s this excitement bubbling in his stomach when his friend gets so close, he feels suddenly hot even when the weather is cold, a bit suffocated and restless. At the same time, he feels trapped when Jinyoung looks into his eyes from so close proximity, consuming everything and becoming the only thing that exists in that moment, all that Jaebeom can see.

“The sooner you admit it, the easier,” Jinyoung speaks, in a whisper as they are so close, his words slow and velvety, making a shiver go down Jaebeom’s spine.

“Not happening any time soon,” Jaebeom answers, noticing his voice is a bit strangled even when he wants to sound nonchalant. 

“Oh, so you aren’t denying it, you’re just delaying the acceptance,” the other boy mocks, raising eyebrows and making Jaebeom even more flustered.

He has no idea why Jinyoung is being so forwards and somewhat flirty. Sure, they mess and tease each other, but there’s something in his attitude today, more daring, that’s throwing Jaebeom off balance. Yet, he doesn’t want to be the only one feeling like that, he wants to make Jinyoung as flustered.

Jaebeom isn’t smooth with his words, he has no idea what to say to get back at his friends. He’s more of a man of action than of words, so he does the only thing that comes to his mind. He releases one of Jinyoung’s wrists, just to grab him by the back of his neck, pushing him so close until their foreheads are pressed against each other, their noses bumping and their lips oh so close. Jinyoung gasps, eyes impossibly wide open, so shocked he actually loses his balance, and as he is leaning forward, he can only end up falling in that direction.

Into Jaebeom.

With their faces so close already, there’s no strong collision, they don’t hit each other, Jinyoung just effortlessly falls in Jaebeom’s embrace who, without thinking, just wraps his other arm around the younger man.

Their lips meet, accidentally, and in the briefest second. Jaebeom doesn’t even notice it among all the other things happening, but he accidentally bites the inside of his lips and that’s proof it actually happened.

They kissed.

But Jinyoung pulls back so fast, so shocked and flustered, gaping like fish out of water while Jaebeom is just frozen, trying to realise what happened because it was just so fast it’s escaping his grasp.

Jinyoung takes a step back, but the rail stop him from getting more than one foot between the two of them. Jaebeom doesn’t move, he’s not even breathing, actually, just staring at the other man feeling like his heart is about to burst out of his chest.

Why can’t life be like in dramas? Where accidental kisses happen in slow motion and in different angles? Jaebeom can’t even feel like it happened, he just knows it did. He wishes he could rewind and just… let it happen again, slowly, just so he could appreciate it better.

It’s Jinyoung who looks away and Jaebeom can finally breathe, which helps his brain to start working instead of just desperately trying to recall what it felt to kiss Jinyoung. And now that he is actually thinking he notices how much Jinyoung is blushing, how flustered he is and he cannot help his smirk. It wasn’t his plan what happened, but at least he got what he wanted.

It seems Jinyoung is not taking it well, he looks too overwhelmed and he cannot stand still, it looks like he wants to run away, which makes Jaebeom feel a bit bad so he steps back, giving the younger the room he needs to pull himself together.

“That wasn’t my intention,” Jaebeom says, although for some reason he cannot bring himself to say he regrets what happened. “It was an accident.”

Jinyoung nods but he still can’t meet Jaebeom’s eyes.

“Are you okay?”

“Yes,” Jinyoung creaks.

But he doesn’t look okay, if anything the younger starts to look out of breath so Jaebeom worries, and he can’t think of a better way to make Jinyoung forget what happened than teasing him.

“Aw, look at you, all flustered. Isn’t that cute?” His tone is so disgustingly sweet even Jinyoung cannot help cringe.

“Yah!” he screams, finally turning to face at Jaebeom, only to murderously glare at him. 

“It was just an accident,” Jaebeom smiles. “There’s no need to feel so flustered about it.”

“It just startled me,” the younger tries to defend his honour, but there’s a clear blush to his cheeks and he still looks like he hasn’t put himself together. “I’m not flustered.”

“Your cheeks and ears say otherwise.” Jaebeom knows that by teasing him like that he’s not helping Jinyoung, but he cannot help himself, the younger just looks so cute with his skin flushed in the most adorable rosy colour. His own heart races when he sees Jinyoung shying away and trying to hide his face behind his forearm. It makes this impossibly endearing feeling in his gut bubble with such power Jaebeom wants to step forward and engulf the other man in a tight hug, hoping they won’t have to part ways.

“Shut up,” the younger mutters like a kid, making Jaebeom chuckle. “And shouldn’t you be with your mother? She’s being discharged, you said.”

“She is,” Jaebeom confirms, allowing Jinyoung to change topics and doing his best to refrain himself from touching the other man. “But the doctor is busy at the moment. She’ll come in an hour for the last check up before officially clearing eomma up. I came here hoping to find you.”

“We really won’t be meeting _here_ every day anymore,” Jinyoung mutters and Jaebeom can only nod his head in agreement.

“It’s kind of bittersweet, I guess,” the older begins. “I got really used to being with you here and thinking it won’t happen again makes me a bit… melancholic. I also think I’ve perpetually associated rooftops with you.” Jaebeom finishes the sentence in a light tone, with a small shrug to lessen the impact of his words.

“Don’t worry, hyung. We’ll keep meeting every day, I already told you.”

“Where?” He asks, holding Jinyoung’s gaze because as much as he wants to include the younger in the rest of his life, it’s hard to picture him in other settings like university.

“Wherever you are, I’ll go to you,” Jinyoung promises as if it was an easy thing, but up to that day they still haven’t exchanged numbers or anything. Aside from the hospital, they don’t have anything else in common, and Jaebeom isn’t sure why Jinyoung _is_ at the hospital _every_ day.

“Don’t you have other things to do than to look for me?” Jaebeom asks because Jinyoung makes that promise with such certainty as if he didn’t have the slightest doubt that it wouldn’t happen.

“No, I don’t have anything else to do. You’re basically all I have and what’s keeping me here,” Jinyoung answers so honestly, so easily it shocks Jaebeom. 

That statement makes him feel so many things he can’t even process them all yet, he holds his breath as his heart picks up when his stomach twists and turns. He’s surprised to know he’s become that important for Jinyoung, that he means that much to the other. At the same time, he’s a bit worried Jinyoung is getting so attached to him, wondering if that could play against them at some point. But above all, Jaebeom is happy, oh so happy, to know he’s now a reason for Jinyoung to stay here.

“And then you say I’m the one who can’t go a day without seeing you,” Jaebeom comments, rolling his eyes and trying to hide his wide and elated smile, but he fails quite miserably at that, too overjoyed to do anything about it.

Jinyoung laughs happily, his eyes becoming crescents and the whiskers by the corners of his eyes so beautiful as ever. It makes Jaebeom's smile even wider, his chest warmer and his stomach tighter. It makes him happier and the longing in his heart to keep Jinyoung always by his side grows stronger.

If Jaebeom could freeze time, he’d like to stay in that moment with Jinyoung’s laughter echoing around them, the sunlight making the subtle highlights in Jinyoung’s hair look lighter than they are as the strands dance with the wind, the rest on the city on mute because the only sound is his friend’s giggles. That’s a perfect moment Jaebeom would like to immortalise.

Sadly, he has to settle for just memorising every single detail of that moment as his heart seems to swell with kindness for the young man in front of him.

Maybe Jinyoung’s joke was right, because in that moment Jaebeom can’t imagine enduring one day without seeing Jinyoung, without knowing he’s around.

Maybe, just maybe.


	27. encounters

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just enjoy the calm and love… the storm is about to hit us.

Being home with his mother is somewhat a new experience for Jaebeom. Oddly, he got used to see her only at the hospital, so it feels weird sleeping at home knowing she’s there, waking up and making breakfast for two.

His father is still quite absent in the household, but at least he makes an effort to come home every night, kissing his wife on the temple and asking her how she feels before getting ready for bed or working in his home office. For that only, and the smile that comes to his mother’s lips when her husband does that, Jaebeom lets go of a bit of the resentment that fills his heart.

His father has also hired a personal nurse to help Jaebeom’s mother when none of them are around, someone who actually helps her and can do something if anything ever happens. That’s very soothing and put Jaebeom at ease, so he can focus on his studies and like that his mother can focus on her rehabilitation.

Jaebeom can’t always go with his mother to the hospital for her rehab sessions, but he tries to accompany her to most of the time, at least to drop her off and then go home. He does it becase he doesn’t like sending her with just the nurse and the driver in the car. She doesn’t remember the accident, she isn’t traumatised like Jaebeom, but he is apprehensive. He’s scared another accident could happen and he could lose her for real this time.

Slowly, they are settling in a new routine, a far more optimistic and homey, one that makes Jaebeom infinitely happy and grateful, even if it’s not perfect. There are countless things to work on, aspects that might never improve like his father’s attitude, or the fact his mother will never move freely again like before. Instead of getting frustrated or angry for how things are, Jaebeom tries to think positive and remember that things could be worse. His mother might’ve never woken up, or she could’ve been stranded to a wheelchair forever, or even worse.

Things could be worse… so he should be grateful this is as much as they have to deal with.

As much as his mother and studies occupy Jaebeom’s thoughts and worries, so does someone else. Obviously, that person is Park Jinyoung.

After that accidental kiss, Jaebeom has been a cliche from dramas, which is both annoying and embarrassing. He cannot stop thinking about it, but in his defence, he does it to try to remember what it felt like, as it was so fast he can’t really recall, and he curses under his breath for that, just to then realise what he did and die in embarrassment. Sometimes he catches himself wishing he could relive it, slowly, able to burn in his memory every single detail instead of keeping a blurry, fast and bumpy image in his head.

Jaebeom, however, carefully and intently does not think about _why_ he’s having those thoughts about Jinyoung.

It’s easy not to think about why when he meets Jinyoung, his head just forgets about almost everything and just lives in that moment. His worries feel lighter and more bearable when the younger is by his side, telling him it’ll be fine, he’s doing great.

To Jaebeom’s surprise, he keeps meeting Jinyoung every day, which should worry him because it’s suspicious, but he’s actually too relieved and glad that the younger is there to worry about that.

The first day after his mother is cleared up, Jaebeom meets Jinyoung when he’s coming back home after staying the whole day in the library studying for his midterm. It is almost midnight, he took the last train, and when he comes out of the station, Jinyoung is sitting outside. Jaebeom doesn’t see him at first, so Jinyoung calls his name, surprising the older who turns around with a frown until he recognises his friend. Maybe he’s too tired and that’s why it takes him a few seconds longer, but once he does, his smile is wide and oh so happy.

“What are you doing here?” Jaebeom asks, walking up to the younger until there’s two steps between them. A reasonable distance, the older thinks, even when he’d like to be closer and closer.

“What could I be doing here, hyung?” Jinyoung smirks, amused. He looks happy but at the same time so tired, his fringe long, getting in his eyes, almost touching the dark circles under his eyes. But even if exhausted, the smile is real and warm, still a bit mocking.

“I don’t want to be arrogant and say you’ve been waiting for me,” Jaebeom looks away, feeling his heart fluttering when he thinks of that possibility.

Jinyoung chuckles, standing up and like that getting closer. Jaebeom’s heart rate picks up when the younger does such, immediately thinking of what happened the day before and wondering if Jinyoung thinks about it as much as he does. He spent so many hours in the library because it was hard to focus on his material instead of playing to be a drama editor stuck with one scene.

“I’ve been waiting for you,” Jinyoung confesses, with a somewhat shy smile he tries to mask with a teasing tone.

“How long?” Jaebeom asks, not stepping back and feeling the air around them buzzing, sizzling with static.

Jinyoung shrugs.

“It’s really cold today,” he points out, winter is threatening Seoul with crude and unforgiving temperatures.

Jinyoung shrugs.

“Don’t you have anything better to do?”

Jinyoung shrugs.

“You’re crazy,” Jaebeom laughs, if anything just to get rid of that tingling feeling in his guts.

“You’re all I have right now, there’s no one else to see, to talk to or wait for. It’s just you,” Jinyoung speaks, serious, his eyes heavy with an honesty that makes Jaebeom feel like he’s choking because it’s just too much.

“Ei,” Jaebeom whines, looking away and trying to cough as discreetly as possible, breaking the eye contact. “Don’t be that dramatic. We aren’t shooting a drama,” he adds, laughing and stepping back. “Come with me instead. I don’t know about you, but I’m cold and I want a hot chocolate.”

Without turning to look at Jinyoung again, he starts walking to the _peyonuijeom_ to buy two warm cans of hot chocolate, pressing one in Jinyoung’s hands and opening the other for himself, still having difficulty to meet the younger’s eyes even when he feels Jinyoung’s stare heavy on him.

“How was your day?” Jinyoung asks outside the store, sitting at the tables, with only the warm cans in their hands to fight the cold weather.

Jaebeom acknowledges that’s the younger’s way to ease the mood and make Jaebeom feel at ease again, changing topics. The older accepts the attempt and dives in, talking for hours with Jinyoung there, way past his chocolate is finished and Jinyoung’s one has gone cold. When they part ways, the can is left untouched and forgotten on the table.

The second time they meet it’s on the train when Jaebeom is heading home. The older is dozing off, his head hanging and sometimes snapping. One moment there’s an _ahjumma_ in the row in front of him, the next time he opes his eyes, a few stations later, there’s Jinyoung. The younger smiles as he’s been for a while waiting for Jaebeom to notice him. The older smiles just happy to see the other.

The third time they meet it’s when Jaebeom decides to stay all night studying at the library and suddenly Jinyoung shows up there, scaring Jaebeom and also worrying him.

“How did you get in here?” He asks, looking everywhere wondering if a security guard will come to drag Jinyoung away.

“I sneaked in,” he laughs, sheepish and amused, making him look young. Jinyoung always looks younger when his hair is shorter. “I’m like a ghost, nobody notices me.”

“If a security guards come here and asks for your student ID I’ll pretend like I don’t know you,” Jaebeom warns but Jinyoung only chuckles, hand covering his mouth, eyes crinkling adorably.

Jaebeom smiles against his better judgment, too fond of the boy in front of him, allowing him to make him company and keep him awake while he studies, fetching coffees from the vending machine that Jaebeom has to pay for because Jinyoung never carries a won with him.

The fourth time is after Jaebeom has had one of his midterm exams and he’s exhausted, he still feels trapped and like he hasn’t seen the sun in days, getting up so early and coming home so late. So when he’s finally able to watch the sunset, he decides to go to his building rooftop as he, oddly, misses the height from the hospital rooftop.

The rooftop at his building is very different from the hospital. While the latter was painted green and with signs to receive the helicopters with emergency patients, the former’s rooftop has a pool and rest areas which makes it infinitely more comfortable.

What isn’t different is that on this rooftop there’s also Jinyoung, against the rail, watching the sunset, being painted in orange caramel, his hair already longer than the day before, flapping with the wind, like the coat he’s wearing.

As always, Jaebeom just watches Jinyoung backlit against the sunset, taking his breath away when the view is different yet so similar to the one from the hospital.

Until he realises they are not at the hospital.

“How did you get here?” Jaebeom asks, walking towards Jinyoung.

“I saw you enter the passcode to your building,” the younger replies without taking his eyes off of the landscape.

Jaebeom goes to stand next to his friend, his eyes also watching closely how the sun hides behind the horizon, changing the colours of the city for warmer and sweeter tones.

“You could be a professional thief,” Jaebeom points out, not really worrying too much about the fact Jinyoung came in his building and was waiting at the rooftop, as if he knew Jaebeom would come here.

Maybe he was also missing meeting in the heights, with a sunset colouring the scenery for them.

“There’s nothing material I want,” Jinyoung points out. “The view from here is more tempting than anything anyone of you could own in this building.”

Jaebeom was only teasing him but Jinyoung answers honestly, and Jaebeom is surprised the younger has accomplished such detachment from the materialistic society they live in. Everyone in his building are quite rich, yet for Jinyoung the sunset from the rooftop is more tempting. He cannot blame him, though, the view is breathtaking. It’s not such a central area, it’s more residential, but all the buildings higher than the trees, with the mountains behind, tainted in an orange that slowly turns purple isa view worth sneaking in for.

“It’d be great if more people appreciated more the view instead of the things they can buy,” Jaebeom comments, turning to watch the younger because even if the sunset is beautiful, Jinyoung is always more breathtaking.

“It would… but it would ruin the economy,” Jinyoung points out and the rationality of it is so out of the blue it makes Jaebeom laugh out loud.

Finally, Jinyoung turns to look at him, a little smile on his lips, his eyes as warm as the sunset. With the dim light from the sun, only lighting Jinyoung’s profile, the younger looks even more beautiful, almost ethereal and Jaebeom gets lost watching him, the sound of his laughter carried in the wind, although his smile never fades.

“You always find me at the end of the day,” Jaebeom muses, and if he could think a bit more clearly, if he weren’t so tired, he’d worry about that, considering that maybe Jinyoung is becoming too dependant of him, but in that moment, the thought can’t cross his mind.

“I told you I’d go wherever you are, hyung. I might be mildly suicidal but I’m not a liar.”

Jaebeom chuckles again and Jinyoung is clearly proud of that, his smile tells so.

“I feel like I have my own stalker,” Jaebeom jokes.

“Well, I’ll keep coming to see you until you tell me to stop. I’m a stalker you can get rid of very easily,” Jinyoung smiles.

“Then that’s not going to happen anytime soon,” the older accepts, knowing there’s no way he’ll tell Jinyoung to get lost.

If anything, Jaebeom will only ask him to step closer.

Always closer.


	28. fallout

As time passes by, Jaebeom settles even more in his routine. Studying, preparing his final project, helping his mother, meeting Jinyoung at the rooftop of his building. He often teases Jinyoung that by this point the people around must think he actually lives in the building with how comfortably he comes in and out every day.

“I assure you, they barely notice me,” Jinyoung replies, bundled up in blankets next to Jaebeom at the rooftop, shielding themselves from the biting cold of December in Seoul.

Jaebeom isn’t heartless and he actually asks his friend to go inside if he pleases, every time. Yet Jinyoung declines time and time again, refusing at the same time meeting his mother, or any of his friends when Jaebeom suggests it.

His friends, however, keep pestering him to meet the famous Jinyoung, urging him to be more persuasive or just trick the younger to come somewhere where they _accidentally_ will meet.

“Foolproof plan,” Jackson states, Mark only smiles, Jaebeom thinks about it before he shakes his head. He knows Jinyoung wouldn’t appreciate something like that, and he’s too clever not to realise it was a plan. Moreover, Jackson isn’t subtle.

In addition, Jinyoung doesn’t seem fond of the idea of sharing his time with anyone but Jaebeom. Once the older actually asked if he didn’t even want to make other friends, vouching for his, saying they were nice and would never do anything to make him uncomfortable. At least not on purpose.

“I don’t need any more friends. I have you and that’s more than enough for me,” Jinyoung replied when Jaebeom commented on the fact.

Along with a very unbecoming blush he did his best to hide, Jaebeom struggled with a racing heart and a stomach tied in knot.

“Anyone that heard you saying that would say you’re dependent of me,” the older tried to pass it as a joke.

“Is there a problem with that? Does it bother you?”

As if the statement on its own didn’t make Jaebeom’s heart race even more, the look in the younger’s eyes and the tone of his voice was enough to leave the older speechless. All he could do was shaking his head and trying to swallow the lump in his throat.

Jaebeom might be dense, but he’s not that bad as not to realise just friends don’t react in the way he does, they don’t feel as possessive as he does when it comes to Jinyoung, or as protective, or as flustered for tiny things. Just friends don’t crave so much seeing the other, or any sort of contact. His feelings for Jinyoung aren’t the same kind as his feelings for Jackson and Mark, for instance. Or for his younger cousin Youngjae. What he feels for Jinyoung is something he’s never experienced before and it’s both terrifying and worrisome.

He questioned his own sexuality long ago, when Jackson realised he was more attracted to men than women, but that overall he cared more about the person instead of their sex or whatever. As his closest friend discovered what being pansexual meant, Jaebeom obviously questioned himself and tried to see if there was a more suitable label for him than heterosexual. With Jackson he went learning so many other divisions and realising there wasn’t just homosexual and heterosexual, there’s a whole colourful spectrum in the queer world.

He realised long ago heterosexual felt too restraining and it didn’t fit him, but he never got a label. He did relate when Jackson said sexual attraction was just chemical so it was in the brain, while love was in the heart and soul and for that, gender or sex didn’t matter.

Jaebeom has never being in love or liked someone enough to actually pursue a relationship. He dated a few girls that confessed to him in high school, but after a week or less he broke up with them. He dated a guy on his first year of university and it went well, but his feelings never grew and when the guy realised he broke up with him, saying love had to be mutual.

Jaebeom started to consider maybe he was closer to the spectrum of aromantic but didn’t think much about it, saying time would give him the answer eventually. One day he’d find someone who actually awoke feelings in him, whether a man or a woman, it didn’t matter to him. He has never applied a label to himself, it didn’t seem important to him, he just was himself. Moreover, when Jackson started dating Mark and his mother found out, she did her best to understand and after a while told Jaebeom:

“If you find one day someone who loves you like Mark and Jackson love each other, I don’t care if it’s a man or a woman. I’ll be happy knowing you’re being loved. I’m okay if you want to adopt to give me grandchildren, though.”

Jaebeom felt so proud and moved that day, especially because he knew his mother meant it from the bottom of her heart.

So now, as he starts to realise his own feelings for Jinyoung, figuring out they are more in the spectrum of romance, he doesn’t panic nor does he have an existential crisis, his only worry is whether he’s getting confused or not, and if Jinyoung feels the same way.

His friends say it’s most likely his feelings are reciprocated, but Jaebeom is a bit scared to be hopeful, and most of the time Jinyoung makes him too flustered to actually gather the courage to ask anything about it.

Jackson has a dream about it, when Jaebeom finally confesses and starts dating Jinyoung and they can go on double dates.

Jaebeom blushes too much to even make a comment about it.

As much as the idea of dating makes his heart racing, he feels there’s so much about Jinyoung he doesn’t know. The younger is vague and doesn’t like talking about himself too much, he’s always asking about Jaebeom’s day, Jaebeom’s worries, Jaebeom’s dreams… only about Jaebeom.

Obviously, he’s tried asking but Jinyoung rarely gives a clear answer and it’s always up to Jaebeom to interpret what the younger meant.

Regardless of all that, Jinyoung is a constant present in his mind when he’s not busy thinking of something else. That’s how the few times he goes to the hospital to pick up his mother, he always stops by the rooftop, wondering if Jinyoung stills goes there without him. Probably, Jaebeom thinks, after all Jinyoung already visited the rooftop before they met.

One day he’s arrived earlier than expected to the hospital to pick his mother, she still has another half hour to go before she finishes her therapy session. She’s doing wonderfully and Jaebeom doesn’t want to interrupt, so he ends up going to the rooftop.

Mid December; it’s a cold, cold day in Seoul. 2017 has proved to be colder than the year before, covering the city in white snow that doesn’t seem willing to melt even when the sun is shining so bright. The rooftops instead of being bright green are of a blinding white that actually hurts one’s eyes.

It’s cold so Jaebeom is wrapped in warm layers, with a long padded coat, beanie and a scarf. Since he’s always wrapping his scarfs around Jinyoung, and losing them like that, he’s had to buy more. He doesn’t mind, but he wonders why Jinyoung never wears one of the scarfs Jaebeom’s given him.

With hands deep shoved in the pockets to keep them warm, Jaebeom takes the lift to the top floor and then the stairs to the emergency room to the rooftop.

The moment he opens the doors he’s slapped with the cold air at such height. It makes his eyes tear up as he tries to hide inside his scarf. The change from a very warm place to a very cold outside is always painful and it takes a few seconds for Jaebeom to acclimate. Like a turtle he pokes his head out of the cocoon on his scarf to appreciate the wintery view. It snowed the night before again, so everything looks brighter than normal, the snow like a mirror for the bright sun of that afternoon.

Jaebeom smiles at the view, finding it as inspiring as usual, taking his mind away from how cold it is.

He steps forward, smiling and taking a deep breath. The air feels clean and fresh, although a tad bit dry. It burns his nostrils and it makes his lips feel like they are more chapped than usual, yet he still loves it

Jaebeom is so mesmerised in the view that he doesn’t notice he’s not alone on the hospital’s rooftop.

His heart leaps when he notices the presence of someone else, but then it sinks when he realises that no, it’s not Jinyoung. The other person is a young boy, slim and lanky, like a typical teenager that’s still growing, someone who’s still uncomfortable in his own body. The poor creature looks so fragile by the rail, staring at the whole horizon but looking like he could be blown away any moment.

Jaebeom feels disappointed it’s not Jinyoung, yet he still feels somehow pulled to this young student. Maybe it’s because he looks so hopeless, just in his uniform when it’s so cold; or maybe because he looks so alone there.

 _Maybe he’s like Jinyoung… alone, hoping to end his life,_ Jaebeom thinks, taking a few steps closer to the student.

As he gets closer, Jaebeom realises the kid is shaking. It could be the cold, but the tremors look more like of someone who’s crying, which sets off alarms in Jaebeom’s head.

“ _Haksaeng,_ ” Jaebeom calls softly for the student, hoping he won’t startle him and cause the kid to trip and fall, or any other sort of tragedy. “Are you okay?” He asks next. There could be plenty of reasons for someone to be crying at a hospital, but because they are at the edge of the building rooftop, Jaebeom is more careful.

The student freezes, it’s like he’s holding his breath, hands clenching the rail.

“I understand if you need to be left alone, I don’t know what happened, but if you need someone, I could help… maybe,” Jaebeom adds, hoping he’s not making the situation worse.

“Hyung,” the students murmurs, a voice that’s shaky and clearly not deep enough for a teenage boy.

Jaebeom waits, the student seems to be debating on what to do, until slowly, he starts to turn around. Jaebeom takes a deep breath, at least it doesn’t look like he’s going to have a panic attack or any sort of breakdown.

His relief fades away as easily when the student turns around, because that’s a face Jaebeom is familiar with. Although younger, awkward, with tear stained cheeks, that’s a face Jaebeom recognises.

That’s Jinyoung.

An incredibly younger version of Jinyoung, right in front of him.

“You weren’t supposed to see me like this,” the student… no, not the student but Jinyoung says.

Jaebeom is confused, so utterly confused because he knows the boy in front of him is the Jinyoung he knows, but he looks so different. The kid across from him looks barely fourteen, maybe even younger. His uniform looks like a middle schooler. But that’s Jinyoung, his eyes, his ears, his lips.

It makes no sense.

“See you how? Like a student? Cosplaying as a student?” Jaebeom doesn’t know why he’s angry, why he’s raising his voice. He just knows he doesn’t understand what’s going on and he needs an explanation.

“When I was one,” Jinyoung replies, looking down, looking even more fragile. His eyes fill with tears that immediately start dropping like raindrops.

“What do you even mean?!” Jaebeom screams, feeling his chest tightening up, his mind frozen in a state of deep confusion, and a bitter taste in his mouth that doesn’t go away even if he swallows the spit filling his mouth.

He feels dread, he is scared, he is confused but overall, he feels… betrayed and he doesn’t even know why.

“I guess I couldn’t keep the truth hidden forever,” Jinyoung sighs, wiping his tears with his sleeve. “Sooner or later you’d find out.” Jinyoung looks up, seeming so utterly sad it breaks Jaebeom’s heart to the point he almost forgets what’s going on just in his dire need to comfort Jinyoung.

He shakes his head, trying to clear his thoughts and prioritise things, demand for an explanation as Jinyoung steps back, away from him.

“Could you please stop talking in riddles and just—”

Jaebeom doesn’t get to finish his sentence when he sees Jinyoung leaning back, and faster than he can register what’s happening, Jinyoung is falling over the rail and down the thirteen storey building.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> well… that happened. Just so you know, comments always work to make me update before the set date ;)


	29. fading

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I bring pain! or maybe not and I'm just being dramatic. You be the judge of this chapter.

“NO!” Jaebeom screams at the top of his lungs, sprinting forward, hands desperately trying to cling to thin air.

The rail stops him, he holds his breath as he stares down, looking for Jinyoung, too scared to even think. This is exactly like his nightmares about Jinyoung, being too late, incapable of saving the younger. And just like in his dreams, there’s no sign of Jinyoung. No body falling, or any disturbance on the ground. No one has stopped, no one has screamed.

Nothing has happened.

Jaebeom still can’t breathe.

“I’m not _really_ alive…” someone speaks from behind, voice cracky as if uttering those words was more than he was capable of.

Jaebeom turns around and there’s Jinyoung again, still as a student, too young to be his friend, but still the same boy he’s grown so close with. There he is, a living contradiction.

“But I’m not dead either,” Jinyoung continues, his eyes watering and Jaebeom doesn’t understand. How can Jinyoung be in front of him, as a middle schooler, crying? It makes no sense.

How can he even be there when Jaebeom saw him falling down?!

“What’s this?” Jaebeom breathes out, choked and shaky, his whole body is trembling and he feels weak. It’s just the shock, he knows it, but his head is spinning and it’s not helping in any way. “I don’t understand. You just jumped off!”

“I jumped… but I can’t die, not like this.”

Jinyoung is trying to explain himself, but it makes no sense to Jaebeom. Sure, the younger has always been vague and it’s been up to Jaebeom to figure the meaning behind his friend’s words. Just now Jaebeom thinks that maybe he never really listened to what Jinyoung was saying.

“Are you… are you a ghost?” Jaebeom asks because nothing else comes to his head and now he’s scared because the situation seems too much for him.

“No,” Jinyoung replies. “But I’m not exactly alive. Not like you, at least. My body is technically alive, but not on its own,” student Jinyoung says and Jaebeom takes a deep breath, listening carefully, expectant and hoping things make sense at some point. He needs to understand.

“Then what are you?”

“I’m memories,” Jinyoung replies and now Jaebeom is shaking his head.

“It doesn’t make sense!” He screams, rubbing his hands over his face, pinching himself as a last hope that maybe he’s just dreaming. The pain is there, and the feeling he’s suffocating.

“My body is in a coma,” the younger begins. “My soul isn’t there, as I’m not living on my own but assisted, but I’m not really dead yet. I’m in a kind of limbo. Depending on how close to death my body is, I materialise in different versions of myself. I assume my body must be dreaming, or reminiscing and that’s how I’m projected. That’s why I never look the same, because some days I’m younger than others,” Jinyoung continues and even if he’s speaking slowly, it’s too fast for Jaebeom.

He’s barely grasping all the story.

“I don’t have control of when it happens or how, I’m conscious at some point, finding myself somewhere when I was at some point of my life.”

“No, that’s not true. You show up every day to meet me,” Jaebeom refutes, shaking his head, clenching his fists so tight he’s burying his nails in his palms.

A painful reminder that it’s happening.

“At first I really didn’t have any control, I just showed up at certain places. But then, as my desire to meet you grew stronger, I started to come out every day, and go where I knew I’d find you. But that also depends on how my body is doing. Remember that time when I didn’t show up? My body was closer to die, so I wasn’t able to come out.”

Jaebeom takes controlled breaths for it still makes no sense to him. Everything Jinyoung is saying contradicts what he’s lived, what he’s felt. How could Jinyoung say he isn’t really here when Jaebeom has been held by the younger, when he’s comforted the other when he cried, when he’s wrapped him in his scarfs so often, when he even kissed him?!

Just… how?

“I touched you. I hugged you. I’ve seen you cry. You re crying now!” Jaebeom raises his voice and indeed the student is crying, the tears fall slowly and almost prettily down his teenage face, his eyes red with anguish. “How can you tell me you’re just memories?”

“Because I cried when I was like this, because I’m a materialisation of what I was at that point of my life,” Jinyoung continues but he himself looks confused. “I don’t really know how it works, but I know I’m here yet not really.”

“Stop being vague!” Jaebeom demands, feeling his own eyes burning with tears. “Try to make sense!”

“It’s you,” Jinyoung whispers. “I’m more real when I’m by your side. I’ve noticed other people see me but they never pay me attention, no matter what I do. It’s like they see me but they don’t register it in their heads.”

“Why?” Jaebeom asks, his voice strangled.

“I don’t know,” Jinyoung shrugs. “But you’re the only one who actually sees me, hears me, and can touch me.”

“Why?” He repeats, trying his best not to cry as well.

“I don’t know,” Jinyoung replies. “I just know when I’m with you, it’s only you.”

“Are you telling me I’m basically talking to the thin air right now?” Jaebeom asks, and a new fear starts growing in his guts, something that makes him feel so cold.

“For what I’ve noticed, others can see you’re talking to someone, but as I’m so close to you, it’s like this veil or whatever about me reaches you and people don’t pay you attention. It’s as if I bring you closer to whatever dimension I’m in, but not fully.”

Jaebeom looks away, biting his lips together and trying to calm down. His head starts recollecting all the memories with Jinyoung, since the first time they met, on the bridge when he pulled the younger to stop him from jumping. But now when Jaebeom looks back, Jinyoung fades away from the memory and he is interacting with thin air.

Jaebeom doesn’t pull Jinyoung back, he’s just grabbing the air.

When they met at the hospital floor, the mesmerising picture of Jinyoung against the sunset turns into just the beautiful horizon.

When Jaebeom pulls Jinyoung form being ran over under the rain, he just pulled at the emptiness.

It hurts, it leaves him void imagining how Jinyoung disappears from all of his memories, thinking that he was never there but in a hospital bed, dying. It knocks the air out of him and leaves him gasping, just thinking Jinyoung is dying, for real and the person he’s got to know isn’t a person at all, not even a ghost.

It feels like he can’t breathe, like there’s no air and he’s becoming desperate, gasping for air.

“I’m sorry…” Jinyoung whispers and when Jaebeom’s eyes look for him, the younger is crying harder, his whole face contorted with despair.

“I don’t get it. You gave me food. You took me home. I gave you my scarfs! How could you do all that?” Jaebeom whines, incapable of stopping one tear from falling, but wiping it angrily with his sleeve.

“What I touch doesn’t get people’s attention. When I gave you food, I didn’t pay for it. Sorry about that, but even if I wanted I couldn’t pay for it. I just took it.” Jaebeom wants to laugh he’s apologising for stealing when there are bigger problems. “That time you were very sick people only saw that, but you were the one to stop the car, to tell the driver your address and everything. I was just your support,” the younger continues and Jaebeom doesn’t even want to imagine it. It hurts him seeing Jinyoung disappear from the memory. “The scarfs… I’ve lost them all. At some point, I cease existing in this form and go back to my body, I guess, or my mind, I don’t know. The scarfs, as they aren’t part of the memory, never go back with me. I’ve lost them where I just… disappear.”

_Disappear_.

Jinyoung really disappears at some point of the day, going somewhere he doesn’t even know. Just like he imagines it, the younger just isn’t there anymore and there’s only the city, the landscape.

Jaebeom thinks of all the pictures he’s taken and realises they must be all empty, no Jinyoung in them. No wonder why he couldn’t find the picture on his phone, the first one he took of the younger.

Nothing. There’s nothing.

“Are you real?” Jaebeom asks and the pain he’s feeling makes his throat hoarse, his voice deeper. “Or are you just my imagination? Maybe I just have schizophrenia and you’re not even real.”

That doesn’t hurt any less, it makes the newfound hole in his chest deeper and blacker, just considering that Jinyoung might not be real.

“I’m real,” the younger replies. “My body is in this hospital and it’s been for quite a few moths already. You’re not crazy,” Jinyoung reassures him but it doesn’t ease the panic Jaebeom is feeling. “But you’re special and for some reason I don’t know, you can come closer enough to my world that I’m actually here, tangible, existing. It’s like coming back to life for a little bit when I’m with you.”

More tears fall from Jaebeom’s eyes because he’s feeling too much. He’s overwhelmed with betrayal and sorrow, confusion and despair, hopelessness and fear. It’s been months since he met Jinyoung and just now he comes to find out all this? When he’s already so fond of the younger? When he started to fall in love with Jinyoung?

Couldn’t have Jinyoung told him sooner?

Jaebeom wants to scream, frustrated with everything and still so lost.

_Do you think it’s wise getting closer?_ Jaebeom remembers Jinyoung asking that a while ago and now he understands. Now he really understands why he seemed reluctant, scared for what it would cause. Jaebeom never imagined the repercussions of deciding to accept Jinyoung in his life.

_No,_ Jaebeom should’ve said. It was a bad idea to get closer because now he’s hurting. He hasn’t stopped feeling one emotion when a new one strikes him harder.

He’s feeling scared because Jinyoung might die for real when the betrayal that Jinyoung didn’t tell him sooner comes in, but then he feels confused because how could’ve he believed if the younger said anything? And then he feels so incredible sad thinking that maybe, had he known before, he wouldn’t have gotten to know Jinyoung and that hurts so deep, removing Jinyoung from his memories hurts the most.

“You should’ve told me sooner,” Jaebeom says although he is scared of how that would’ve changed things, he just knows it would’ve hurt less because he wouldn’t have been so attached to Jinyoung then.

“Sorry, hyung,” Jinyoung breathes out. “I was scared you would tell me to leave you,” the younger confesses. “And I didn’t know how to tell you.”

“Still… you should’ve…” Jaebeom whispers, standing straighter, clenching his chest and taking a deep breath.

He doesn’t say anything else, too overwhelmed with everything and incapable of taking in anything else. He steps forward, towards Jinyoung and sees the younger tensing up, but he walks past the student and away from him.

“Hyung!” He hears, but he doesn’t turn around, he just wipes his tears and leaves that rooftop. He leaves Jinyoung behind.


	30. confirmation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the pain doesn't end…

With shock comes denial. Jaebeom can’t even deal with the whole situation, he doesn’t know where to begin and how to approach it. When his thoughts tilt towards Jinyoung, he forces himself to think of something else. He focuses on his mother, his studies, his friends. It kind of backfires, though.

“Did you and Jinyoung fight?” Jackson asks one day when Jaebeom has practically dragged them to a bowling alley. He sucks at it, but he needs to do something not to think of Jinyoung.

His friends aren’t helping, though.

“Why do you ask?” Jaebeom asks back, doing his best to control his expression and voice, but he can’t trust himself so he hides it with the excuse of looking for a better ball.

“You’re not talking about him sixty percent of the time, that’s why,” Jackson explains. “It’s been like three days so something must’ve happened.”

“I guess you can say we had a fallout. I don’t wanna talk about it,” he cuts the topic but doesn’t miss the worried looks his friends exchange.

His mother also asks about Jinyoung, wondering if something happened and Jaebeom can’t even bring himself to say what happened. His mother was once as Jinyoung is now, right? Thinking about that gives him headache and heartache.

Jaebeom considers getting himself tested because even if Jinyoung says he’s real, Jaebeom might be imagining it all. If it's like that, at least there’s a logical explanation and he’d have to start treatment, but he’d live with a broken heart the rest of his life, of that he’s sure. However, if it’s not true then that means the boy he started to fall for, having feelings he never did before for anyone else, is dying.

Jaebeom cannot go through waiting for someone else to wake up from a coma, not someone he so deeply cares about like Jinyoung. It’s just too much for him.

Scared of the truth, Jaebeom goes to the hospital, not sure if to get an appointment or to find Jinyoung. Not even when he crosses the doors has he find out what really drove him there. He walks, towards the floor where his mother used to stay, to one of the nurses he’s already familiar with. He recalls once asking about Jinyoung but even if he tries to remember he can’t grasp what the nurse said.

“Jaebeom-ssi,” one of the nurses calls when she sees him. “What are you doing here? Did something happen to your mother? You look miserable,” she points out, showing her concern that actually touches Jaebeom.

“I’m going through a rough patch, but that’s aside. I was wondering if you can help me with something.”

What? He’s still not sure.

“Anything. Tell me,” she smiles kindly.

Jaebeom hesitates a few seconds, still not sure. He closes his eyes and tries to organise his thoughts but it’s just so chaotic there’s no light to guide him. Ultimately, he just lets the words leave his mouth, without filtering them.

“Could you tell me if there’s certain patient in this hospital?” Jaebeom ends up asking, realising he prefers finding out if Jinyoung is real first.

“Sure. What’s the name of the patient?”

“Park Jinyoung,” Jaebeom answers. “He is in a coma, for quite a few months already. He is…” Jaebeom stops to think, wondering what’s Jinyoung’s real age.

_As I am today, I’m twenty-three,_ Jinyoung said when Jaebeom asked long time ago, and now he realises that he meant _that_ memory of his was twenty-three. What happens if Jinyoung is older than that? Way older?

“He… he should be early twenties,” Jaebeom replies swallowing the lump in his throat. He needs to find out if Jinyoung actually exists before worrying about his age.

“Let me look at it,” the nurse says, typing on the computer and looking thoroughly.

Jaebeom is scared, regardless the answer, it’s going to be difficult and it’s going to push him to accept one reality. He knows he’s not ready for either one.

“Well, we have a patient with that name in a coma since July. He’s twenty-three,” the nurse replies, looking up to meet him. “Do you know him?” She asks next but Jaebeom cannot answer, holding his breath.

“I-I-I…”

The nurse must interpret his reaction as dread and shock, and in an attempt to help him make sure it’s the same person, she turns the screen as much as she can to show him a picture of the patient record.

To Jaebeom’s horror, it’s his Jinyoung the one on the screen. A younger version, one he’s seen already, too. In the picture he has a buzz cut and he looks miserable, like that time when he said to be nineteen.

“Oh dear,” the nurse murmurs, reaching out to grab his forearm and squeeze it comfortingly, her eyes pitiful. “He’s your friend.” It’s not a question.

Jaebeom doesn’t realise he’s crying until the nurse hands him a tissue to dry his tears.

“He’s in the room C-eight-seventeen,” she adds. “Normally he doesn’t get visits so there’s no problem if you want to drop by.”

Jaebeom tears his eyes away from the picture, wipes his tears and wills his heart to beat normally, but it’s so hard, his head is spinning again.

Jinyoung is real.

Jinyoung is in a coma.

He didn’t imagine Jinyoung.

Jinyoung might die soon.

Without realising, he nods his head and turns around, trying to orientate himself and know where that room is, but he’s lost.

“To your left,” the nurse helps and he bows his head in gratitude before moving.

He’s shaking, scared of what he’ll see, not sure if he’s actually ready to see Jinyoung or not. But Jaebeom keeps moving, walking towards the room. It’s the last one from the left hall and when Jaebeom is in front of the door with the number and Jinyoung’s number in it, he cannot hear anything but his wild heartbeat. It’s like a drum set in his ear, deafening. It comes with a buzzing that doesn’t let him think and he’s getting dizzy, he cannot even lift his hand to grab the door handle and slide it.

He cannot go in.

Overwhelmed, Jaebeom turns around and runs away, because he cannot face an unresponsive Jinyoung. It makes the memories of when his mother was like that come back to attack him, all that fear, uncertainty, all over again.

He feels like throwing up.

Unconsciously, he ends running up through the emergency stairs and only stops when he’s at the rooftop, gasping for air as if he was drowning. Jaebeom still feels like he’s drowning.

“He’s real…” Jaebeom murmurs, feeling too many things at the same time as to pick only one. There’s relief, fear, wonder, reluctance, and so much confusion

There’s just so much he doesn’t understand. What is happening? Why? How? What is he even supposed to do now? The boy he’s got to know, the one he fell for is real, in a bed, in a limbo between life and dead while his soul wanders around Jaebeom.

How is he even supposed to feel?

“Jinyoung,” he calls, shaking as he walks towards the rail. It’s cold, oh so cold. It’s snowing but he doesn’t feel anything. He’s colder than the day in Seoul. “Now would be a good moment to come and try to clear up this mess.”

He feels crazy, talking to nothing as if Jinyoung was actually there. He has no idea how it works, what to do to see Jinyoung, all he can do is call for him and wait, clenching the iron bar from the rail, his eyes lost in the horizon.

To his surprise, he hears footsteps approaching.

“Hyung,” Jinyoung’s voice calls before Jaebeom even turns around. “You’re here.”

The older turns around and sees an older Jinyoung, but he looks haggard and his own heart clenches at the sight of the miserable boy in front of him.

“You really are in this hospital. Is that the person you meant was waiting for you here back then?” Jaebeom asks, determined to at least get some answers.

“Yes,” Jinyoung answers, the younger looks anxious and fragile, wrapping his arms around his slim frame protectively. It looks as if he were scared Jaebeom was going to strike him or anything.

“Are you holding back from waking up? Do you have any control?” Jaebeom continues. His hands still on the rail, grounding him.

“No,” the younger replies. “But it’s too unsettling getting near my body. I feel like I’m being torn apart. That’s why when I come out, I stay away.”

“Did you hear me calling you right now?” Jinyoung shakes his head.

“I was waiting here.”

“Did you ever plan telling me about this?”

Jinyoung looks down, showing shame in his eyes. “I was scared. I don’t even know exactly why we can interact and I just… even if I wanted to stay away, I couldn’t. I always ended up looking for you, going to you.”

“If you really want to die, why are you still here?” Jaebeom continues, not letting Jinyoung’s words affect him.

Jinyoung cannot answer, or he refuses to. He only stares back at Jaebeom, looking as choked up as he feels.

“How did you even end up like this? Was it you trying to kill yourself? Another attempt?” Jaebeom regrets his bitter tone as soon as he hears himself and sees Jinyoung flinching. He wants to apologise but he can’t bring himself to say the words, too hurt himself, too.

“It was actually an accident,” Jinyoung answers, tightening the grip around himself, looking away. “I was just trying to get as far away from home as I could. I got in an accident.”

“How long ago?”

“Five or six months ago? I don’t know exactly. It was a night during summer holidays,” Jinyoung adds. “I got hit by a truck.”

Dreads swirls in Jaebeom’s guts, a terrible feeling he’s even terrified to acknowledge. Yet… he still asks:

“How did it happen?” His voice is a mere whisper, but Jinyoung hears, heaves an exhausted sigh before looking up and meeting his eyes again.

“I was driving my bike late at night, the intersection seemed empty, I didn’t really look around and crossed the road in red light. A truck was coming the other way. I heard the honk louder than the music blasting through my earbuds, the light blinding me. I was frozen, I was just caught. I know the truck tried to avoid hitting me, but it was too bit, the rear still caught me. I flew in the air, and the last thing I saw before hitting the floor was the truck colliding against another car, sending it spinning in the air. Then it was all black.”

Jinyoung is shivering as he retells the accident, but Jaebeom cannot breathe, his knees fail him andit feels like even his heart has stopped.

He can see the accident clearly, he’s seen the scene too many times, the CCTV recording burnt in his memory. The boy in the bicycle, the truck that crushed him and then sent his mother in a spiral that almost took her life.

“Where… where was it?” Jaebeom somehow manages to get the words out.

“I’m not sure. An intersection near Nambu Bus Terminal,” Jinyoung answers and Jaebeom’s knees finally give out and he slumps to the ground, in the snow, his jeans getting wet as the snow melts under him but he doesn’t feel anything.

“Was it on July fifteenth?” Jaebeom asks, too scared to confirm.

Jinyoung doesn’t reply immediately, it feels like an eternity when he mumbles: “Oh.”

And Jaebeom feels like the world is falling apart, all around him. That’s the day of his mother’s accident, one that looks exactly how Jinyoung describes it and the bad feeling is now the most bitter taste in his mouth so he ends up gagging, horrified as he realises Jinyoung caused the accident.

“You… you…” Jaebeom spits, glaring at Jinyoung. “You caused my mother’s accident!”

Jinyoung’s eyes widen in horror, mouth hanging open but no words coming out.

“It was your fault!” Jaebeom screams, crawling forward, hands buried in white snow, burning. “You almost killed my mother!”

“I-I-I…” Jinyoung mutters, incapable of saying anything else.

The rage, the horror, the resentment and every other dark feeling he’s ever experienced since his mother accident come rushing like tsunami waves, pulling him and drowning him.

“LEAVE!” He shouts at the top of his lungs. “LEAVE AND NEVER COME BACK!”

His screams are accompanied with burning tears that fall and hit the snow, melting it. Jinyoung steps backward, stumbling, his own horror reflected in his expression, in how his dark eyes turn red and fill with tears.

“I’m… I’m so sorry, hyung,” the younger whispers and right there, in front of Jaebeom, he disappears.

The older lets it all out and he just cries, that’s all he has left.


	31. restless

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry I didn't update yesterday, I was busy all day and came home late.

Hours later, Jaebeom is still at the rooftop. His hands have taken a bluish colour and he can’t feel them, he can barely move them, so cold, oh so cold. But that’s nothing compared with the pain freezing his heart and soul, bringing a more ruthless winter that only attacks Jaebeom, with a strength that makes him cry for mercy, to end it all.

The young man has no idea what hurts more, he can’t even figure out the entirety of his feelings, there’s just so much. From dread to realise he was falling in love with the one person who caused his mother’s accident, the person who almost cost him the person he loves the most. Regret that he became friends with Jinyoung, feeling like he betrayed his mother. Fear that all this is real and not a horrible nightmare. And so much more, it’s like he’s drowning and he cannot even see the surface, it’s all black around him and he just can’t breathe.

A nurse finds him when it’s dark, the night sky as black as the torrent of emotions consuming him. The woman screams when she finds Jaebeom, kneeling in the snow, so still as if he was frozen in that place. The man doesn’t react no matter how loud the woman shouts, she has to actually drag him out of the rooftop and call for help to save him from hypothermia. Jaebeom isn’t aware of what’s happening, but he isn’t unconscious yet. Even if his body has been exposed to the cold, soaked wet from the melted snow under him, his mind can’t give up and keeps torturing him. He spends the night at the hospital, but he’s never asleep, he’s just in agony. Constant agony, feeling lost and desperate.

Only one voice can bring him back from the shock trance, and that’s his mother when she comes in the morning to the hospital.

“Im Jaebeom!” She screams and that works, only when the voice bounces in the walls of the room he was put, louder, stronger and cleared since she woke up from the coma, Jaebeom can actually see what’s in front of him.

Finally, he feels the cold that still lingers to his bones. Finally he feels the pain of his burnt hands. Finally he feels the heartache, stronger than anything else. And he sees his mother, struggling to make her way to him, her face painted with worry and fear.

Jaebeom starts crying again, just at the sight of his mother. The guilt and the horror of finding out the truth choking him, and it’s even worse because he knows he can’t tell her anything.

“Eomma,” he whispers, cracked and barely audible, his tone stained with so much sorrow.

“My boy… my boy…” she cries, finally getting to his side, grabbing one of his bandaged hands and squeezing it tight. It hurts so much, but Jaebeom doesn’t mind… he even feels like he deserves that pain. “Why are you here?”

No clue. Jaebeom has no clue how to explain how he ended up staying hours in the snow, first crying and then just in shock.

Instead, he just apologises. “I’m sorry… I’m sorry.”

For staying in the snow and almost losing his hands?

For being reckless?

Or for befriending Jinyoung?

Jaebeom himself doesn’t know exactly what he’s apologising for, he just feels so sorry towards his mother.

“How did you end up like this? What happened?”

“I’m sorry,” he continues answering to all her questions, no matter how she poses them, Jaebeom can only say he’s sorry.

Ultimately, his mothers gives up and just comforts him. With her there, the staff move him to a private room that to his horror is on the same floor as Jinyoung’s is. He can barely breathe when he realises that, but he cannot explain what’s wrong.

It is ironic, Jaebeom realises later during the day. He’s the one in a hospital bed while his mother sits by his side, trying her best to talk to him even when Jaebeom isn’t really responsive. She understands he’s not ready to talk so she grants him the time he needs to put himself together. But Jaebeom can’t do that, he tries not to think about it. He forces himself to block any thought related to Jinyoung, although it proves so hard when even looking at his mother is now a reminder of the boy who came in his life to cause havoc.

It’s crazy, ironic and so unfair. Jinyoung came into his life with a scare, frustration and confusion but he also came with acceptance, an open mind and comfort. He put Jaebeom’s pieces together, mended his worried and worn heart and consoled him until Jaebeom felt himself again. But then he tore everything apart, mercilessly, and abandoning him in the remains of his heart.

“How are you feeling?” His mother asks at the end of the day. His friends have come to see him but he’s refused to see anyone. The doctor says he’s fine, the burns in his hands will heal with time and if he’s constant with the ointment there shouldn’t be any scars. He can leave the next day but mostly because he still looks emotionally unstable, his body, thankfully, is in far better condition for what he put it through. “Are you hungry?”

Jaebeom only shakes his head. He hasn’t taken a bite in the whole day, so they keep the IV to make sure he’s having the nutrients he needs

“You have to eat, adeul. I know something happened and you can tell me when you’re ready, but for now you have to eat and get strong. Whatever it is, you can’t give up on yourself like this,” his mother speaks.

The young man looks away, trying not to feel so choked up with the weight on the emotions in his chest. It’d feel so good to talk to someone about it, but how is he supposed to explain what Jinyoung is? What’s his proof? He doesn’t fully understand how it’s even possible, not able to fully grasp that there’s a whole grey area between life and death he never imagined it could exist. The only person he could talk about that is the same person who caused the problem to begin with.

“Life and death—” Jaebeom begins, heaving an exhausted sigh. “—is more complex than I imagined.”

His statement confuses his mother momentarily, but as the perceptive and understanding woman she is, she realises he needs to speak about it, even if he’s not talking about the issue itself.

“Of course it is more complex,” she begins, her tone sympathetic and soft, still warm and soothing. Jaebeom turns to meet her eyes, watching her with respect, expecting some knowledge that can only come from age and life experience.“Everything in life is more complex than what we imagined.” Her smile is so fond as she grabs his hand and pats it comfortingly. “I never imagined having a child would bring me so many worries, so many fears but also so many wonders and happiness. I never imagined that being an adult and growing up be so hard, but so rewarding at the same time. It seems to me we always underestimate a situation until we live it ourselves, either for good or bad, it never fully meets our expectations.”

Jaebeom can’t argue that, realising there’s so much more to anything, and that is part of growing up, he guesses.

“And obviously there’s more than to live and to die. There’s a whole spectrum that’s beyond our understanding,” she continues. “When I was in a coma I know I wasn’t exactly here with the living or in my body, but I wasn’t completely gone.”

“You remember?” He asks, never even thinking of the possibility before.

“Not exactly, but there’s this feeling I can recall from that time. I can’t say those months don’t exist or that I didn’t feel them, it feels like they passed me by while I was just waiting,” she tries to explain as best as she can, with her own speed and stumbling over some words, but getting the message across. “I guess it’s like being trapped in limbo.”

“Did you want to wake up?” He asks, trying not to remember how he talked about something like that before with Jinyoung.

“I can’t say I wanted or that I didn’t, I was just… there. But I remember being called, like someone screaming at me to wake up and dragging me.”

“Someone?” Jaebeom asks and his mother shrugs.

“It’s a feeling, adeul. I don’t know if it was a dream, but that’s the last thing in my memory before waking up: someone screaming at me to wake up.” She moves her hand, slowly until she’s patting his head, softly stroking his hair. “I don’t know if it was a dream or something else, I don’t know if I was somewhere, if my soul left my body while I was in a coma or something else, I’m just happy it happened and I’m here again with you. And if I came back from that place, then you have to be strong because of one thing I’m sure: I came back for you, I couldn’t and wouldn’t leave you alone.”

Although infinitely grateful, Jaebeom gets distracted, thinking of that dream he had before his mother woke up. In the dream it was Jinyoung rescuing his mother, desperately calling for her, telling her Jaebeom was waiting for her.

In that moment, Jaebeom thinks what if… what if Jinyoung, as a soul trapped in a limbo called for his mother? What if it was Jinyoung who helped his mother to wake up from the coma?

The air gets stuck in his throat as he thinks about it, as he considers the option for the first time and it only makes him feel more torn. How is he supposed to feel if Jinyoung is the cause his mother ended up in a coma but also the reason why she woke up?

Thinking about that is suddenly too much and Jaebeom isn’t ready for that, so he pushes the thought to the farthest corner and instead focuses on his mother next to him.

“I’m grateful you woke up, regardless of how it happened. I’m glad you didn’t leave me,” he tells her, leaning in her touch.

“If you’re grateful, will you have some food? For me?” She asks, her eyes so sweet and he chuckles, the liveliest sound he’s done the whole day, which makes his mother smile so widely.

“Yes, I will,” he concedes and can see how her eyes light up.

Jaebeom watches as she calls for a nurse to see if they can help them. It’s still hard for her to move around to get him food and luckily the nurse that comes is one of the ones that are familiar with them so she gladly goes to get him something to eat, even if it’s past dinnertime.

As he eats his food, he tries not to think of the possibility, not to think of Jinyoung but it gets harder and harder because every time the thought sneaks in his mind, it makes more and more sense. The actual possibility grows stronger, and it becomes suffocating.

He spends another restless night due to Jinyoung and by the time he’s cleared up the next day he still has no clue how to feel, what to do, and to make it worse, now he has burnt hands to deal with.


	32. torn

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry for the delay! I got confused with the days, work and other things happened. I meant to update before but I kept doing stuff and coming home too late. Sorry, sorry.

Jaebeom is cleared up the next day, his burnt hands will continue to bother him for a few more days, but overall he’s fine which is a relief for his mother and friends. And although his body is technically fine, emotionally he’s still a wreck, he’s still barely coping with everything. He tries to sort out his feelings, but they are as erratic as his thoughts and he just ends up feeling lost. He wishes he could talk to someone and that that person could give him an answer, would tell him what to do but he’s afraid that were he to tell someone what’s going on, he would end up locked up in a hospital or something.

It would be easier to set on forgetting all about Jinyoung, but the possibility his mother is awakenow thanks to the younger weights too much on him to just leave everything behind. And even if he wants, he cannot just erase his feelings as if it was just a worn garment. Jaebeom starts to wonder if confirming Jinyoung’s involvement with his mother’s state would help in any way to sort out his feelings.

That is how, after a few days, when his hands are better and he cannot deal more with his own thoughts, he goes to the hospital. He knows he told the younger to never show up in front of him again, but he probably still has to come out, even if it’s away from Jaebeom. The older assumes that if he were to find Jinyoung somewhere, then it would be at the hospital rooftop.

Bundled up in too many layers, Jaebeom takes his time to head to the hospital rooftop, feeling like there’s a hole in his guts and there’s no way to make it better. He feels sick, anxious, scared and yet still somewhat hopeful. It seems there’s a part of him that hopes Jinyoung helped his mother, giving him an excuse to forgive him and leave all the painful accident behind. But even if a part of him hopes for that, it’s just not that easy.

When Jaebeom finally makes it to the rooftop, the biting cold hurts more than normal. Since that day after the argument with Jinyoung he’s become weaker to the lower temperatures. It’s like his body cannot warm up, no matter how high the heating is or how many layers he wears, he’s just cold to the bone, even his soul, as dramatic as that sounds.

The rooftop is empty, luckily it is void of snow as the latest snowfall was the day before and they had time to clean the area. It doesn’t seem like Jaebeom could let himself be buried in snow there again. Walking slowly, dragging his legs as if they were heavy with dread, he approaches the rail. His hands wrap around the cold iron bar and they burn again, the burns from before aren’t completely healed and his skin is more sensitive, but he doesn’t cover them in gloves, welcoming the pain as a pathetic masochist that needs to feel something, anything at all, that’s outside the chaos of his mind.

Leaning a bit forward, Jaebeom watches the street bellow, the few peoples walking quickly to find shelter somewhere, and the cars and buses, unbothered with the lower temperatures, just going as usual. Seoul streets are always busy no matter the season. It gives Jaebeom a sense of normalcy, which is much appreciated when he feels so unsettled.

The young man heaves a tired sigh, his whole body feels so heavy and he really needs a break, take off some of the weight on his shoulders, just so he can breathe.

“Jinyoung,” he mumbles.

There’s longing in his voice, because whenever he felt like that before, when the situation with his mother was becoming too much, Jinyoung was always there to hold him. When the pressure broke him, Jinyoung was there to help him put the pieces together. Now he’s feeling at the edge of the cliff, and there’s no Jinyoung to help, quite the contrary, it is the younger pushing him into the abyss. And his mind supplies that if it weren’t for Jinyoung, he would have never gone through all that anguish.

Jaebeom just can’t think of Jinyoung without feeling torn in two anymore.

“I thought you were dependant of me… but it seems I became as dependant of you,” he mumbles to himself, shaking his head immediately after for talking out loud. He does not need to feel crazier than he already does.

The young man takes another deep breath, which doesn’t feel any comforting at all, but it works to give him some courage.

“Jinyoung, if you’re around, we need to talk,” he speaks out, loud and clear, fighting the feeling of looking like a crazy idiot. “I don’t know if you can hear me, but… I don’t even know. Where do I find you if I need to?”

It’s always been serendipity, or Jinyoung looking for him. Jaebeom has no clue where to go look for Jinyoung. The thought of going to where Jinyoung’s body is crosses his mind, but he knows the younger’s soul will not be around. Based on what Jinyoung said, he’s not going near there as it’s a very difficult situation for him.

His hand start hurting so he retrieves them to himself, sheltering them in sweater paws while he waits… and waits. Jinyoung doesn’t show up even if Jaebeom tries to call him again. He’s ready to give up, accepting he won’t be able to talk to Jinyoung on that day, but he waits a bit more. It’s by the time he’s shivering, his teeth clattering that he accepts it’s time to go home unless he wants to spend the night in the hospital again.

Jaebeom turns around, feeling defeated and more depressed that when he came, a part of him harboured a desire to see Jinyoung again, the same part that constantly misses spending time with the younger, that craves his company. It’s when he’s walking towards the door that he sees Jinyoung there, standing in the middle of the rooftop. He looks a bit younger, shaggy short hair, exposing his forehead, with round glasses that make harder to see his eyes with the light of the bright sun reflecting on them. His clothes are light, too thin for the weather and they dance around his slim body with the wind bowing at such height. He looks so fragile, as if he were about to be blown away, or as if he wasn’t really there. Jaebeom’s heart clenches at the sight, leaping and beating faster just because he’s seeing Jinyoung again, even if the younger looks about to disappear.

“Hyung…” Jinyoung mumbles, his voice broken and so full of longing Jaebeom feels his own heart aching, screaming inside him to reach out for the younger. To comfort him, to comfort himself like they did before. His body aches wanting to go to Jinyoung, pull him in a hug to make sure he’s real, to shelter him from the cold weather, to feel warm again.

Jaebeom doesn’t move.

“How long have you been standing there?” Jaebeom asks, clenching his hands to pull himself together. The longing in his heart cannot be stronger than the rest of his feelings.

“A while,” Jinyoung answers. “I wasn’t sure if I was aloud to approach you… but I couldn’t walk away when you were right in front of him.”

“So you didn’t hear me call you?” The older asks because it sounds like that’s the case.

“You called me?” The younger seems surprised, hopeful. His eyes widen, his body perks and it seems like he’ll take a step closer.

“Yes,” Jaebeom answers and looks away, not wanting to see Jinyoung looking more alive, as if the fact he was looking for him gave him some life again. He’s also doing his best not to unwrap his own scarf and wrap it around Jinyoung who isn’t wearing more than some light trousers and a shirt when it’s probably minus five degrees out there.

“You said… to never show up again. Why?” Jinyoung asks and Jaebeom purposely ignores the hope in the younger’s voice, but he cannot ignore the fear he can also hear in those words.

“Eomma said something and I need to confirm it.”

“Why?” Jinyoung asks, which surprises Jaebeom because he’s not asking what his mother said.

“Because I’m hoping that will help me figure out how to feel about you, and how to move on,” Jaebeom replies.

Jaebeom looks at Jinyoung again and can easily see how the younger stands straighter and raises a wall to protect himself, preparing for something that will be difficult for him. It’s as if he’s getting ready to be hurt.

Jaebeom doesn’t know how to take that.

“Eom…” The older has to clear his throat, his voice hoarser than he expected. “Eomma said before she woke up she remembered someone calling her. And I remember dreaming you saved my mother the night before she woke up. I keep thinking that maybe… maybe it was you who called her and made her wake up and I need to know if that’s true.”

Jinyoung takes his time, watching Jaebeom as if reassuring him, trying to seize how much the older is able to take.

“It wasn’t easy,” Jinyoung said. “To find her and to make her listen to me. It’s not like every person in a coma is in the same state or limbo. I’ve never met another like me in these months. It was the night I was closer to die, or it felt like that, and I know that was a conscious thing I did. When I came out again it was in front of my room and the doctors were just sighing relieved that they had managed to make my heart beat again.”

Jaebeom holds his breath, he is frozen in the spot, not knowing how to take that. Knowing Jinyoung was about to die for real because he was trying to get to his mother twist his guts. The feeling attacks him and makes him feel guilty.

“I didn’t ask what it cost you, I just asked if you made my mother wake up,” Jaebeom snaps, not because he wants to hurt Jinyoung further, but because he cannot controls his own emotions and he feels like a wire cut open, sizzling, ready to make anything explode.

Jinyoung steps back, flinching as if he had been slapped across the face. He looks hurt again, and at the same time accepting of the pain, which makes Jaebeom feel guilty and infuriated at the same time.

“I did,” Jinyoung answers. “I called her, I told her to wake up. I pushed her.”

“Why?” The older asks now. “Because you were guilty?” He doesn’t want to sound as bitter as he does, but he cannot help himself.

“I did it for you,” Jinyoung answers. “You were crying, you were so afraid you’d lose her.” Jaebeom bites his lips together, refusing to acknowledge the way his heart aches at the words. “I didn’t know then I had caused her accident.”

Jaebeom shuts his eyes close, tightly, his hands shake from how tight he’s clenching them, his heart is beating wildly and his mind is racing with so many thoughts he cannot articulate in order to understand.

He hasn’t finished processing what Jinyoung has just confirmed when the younger speaks again.

“Don’t worry, I will never wake myself up like that. Now I know I don’t deserve it.”

Jaebeom’s head snaps, startled, angry and scared at the same time, he glares at Jinyoung and takes a few steps, finally able to see into the younger’s eyes without the reflection on the glasses to bother him. He can appreciate the bloodshot and teary eyes of the younger, the evident anguish in his expression.

“No,” Jaebeom states, cold and severe, taking another step closer. Jinyoung doesn’t move, he just hold the older’s stare. “You _should_ wake up, because that’s exactly what you don’t want. If you want to repent for what you did, you _have_ to wake up.”

Jinyoung tenses, visibly rejecting the idea, looking torn at such command. Jaebeom tries not to think how he would feel if Jinyoung wakes up, how that would change things. He just has a thought in mind: Jinyoung cannot stay in coma forever, and he cannot die yet. Whether that’s punishment to the younger or his own selfish desire not to completely lose Jinyoung, he has no idea.

Jinyoung, on the other hand, seems like he cannot make his mind yet, and he just disappears in front of Jaebeom. As quickly as a blink, one moment there, the next completely gone as if he was never there. It gives the older a headache.

One thing is for sure: it didn’t help him to sort out how to feel yet.


	33. resentment

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> yay for an angsty update before work today. Enjoy, and by enjoy I mean cry with Jaebeom :D

“Are you still not speaking to your Jinyoung?” Jackson asks one Tuesday afternoon, after more than a week has passed since the last time he saw Jinyoung.

Jaebeom has reached some peace, if anything by just strongly denying everything that is happening and stubbornly focusing on his studies. Whenever Jinyoung comes to his mind, he starts doing something, anything. Editing photos, studying, going for a run, reading, even cooking. Anything just not to think of Jinyoung, not to feel anything.

Even then, when Jackson mentions his name, Jaebeom flinches, his heart aches and longs and his mind whines with all the blocked thoughts he’s ignored and refused to deal with.

“Why are you even asking that?” Jaebeom asks, refusing to meet eyes with his best friend.

Mark isn’t around, it’s just the two of them for once. Jackson invited him to have meat, which now Jaebeom realises it was probably a decoy to get him to do something else, like talking about Jinyoung.

“Well, clearly something happened. You changed immensely, and not for the better. It’s like a part of you died and you’re just working on sheer stubborn will. Did he cheat on you? If he did I’m gonna beat him up and I swear I’ll—”

“No, he didn’t do that,” Jaebeom laughs at his overprotective friend.

“Then what happened? Why are you like this? I don’t wanna be nosy but I’m worried and even if I can’t fix things for you, I’m here for you if you need to talk about it. You always bottle everything up and I hate to remind you I’m your friend and you can lean on me, too.”

Jaebeom is surprised with Jackson’s little outburst and he also feels a bit guilty. He doesn’t do it on purpose, he is just used to keep everything inside instead of sharing his worries with his friends. It’s why opening up to Jinyoung was such an uncommon thing that not even today he can understand how it happened.

Maybe because Jinyoung isn’t really a person.

“I know you are,” Jaebeom smiles. “And I’m sorry I make you worry, I just… don’t feel comfortable talking about it.”

“But it might help you,” Jackson insists and Jaebeom appreciates the other’s thoughtfulness.

“It’s difficult.”

“You can try,” he insists. “Try me. Then we’ll decide if I need to beat his ass or not.”

Jaebeom laughs, grabbing a leaf of lettuce to put some meat inside, wrapping it around it to give it to Jackson, just a token of appreciation.

“I guess you weren’t so wrong about teasing me with him and I was actually falling in love with him,” Jaebeom starts, not making eye contact, hoping that helps him to tell his friend more or less what’s going on.

“I knew it!” Jackson chirps, more excited than he should, making Jaebeom chuckle again.

“But Jinyoung was keeping something from me, something way too big to let it slide and continue as if nothing. And then I found out more about it, which has only made it worse. I… felt betrayed and I can’t bring myself to forgive him or hate him.”

“What does he say about it? Is he sorry? Is he beginning you to forgive him every day?”

“He says he is sorry,” Jaebeom begins, making a wrap for himself this time. “But he doesn’t insist to fix it. In the spur of my hurt I told him to get lost and I haven’t seen him again. I don’t know where he is, what he’s doing… or if he’s gone forever.”

His hands shake, because that’s the thought he has to block more often. _What if Jinyoung is gone forever? What if he never shows up again?_ It paralyses Jaebeom with fear, more than he’s willing to accept because he told the other to disappear, how can he be such a hypocrite to be scared that’s exactly what the other young man did?

Apparently, he’s such a hypocrite.

“So he’s just accepting what you say? Leaving in your hands whether you two fix it or not?” Jackson huffs, more upset than Jaebeom who’s doing his best to control himself. “What a coward ass!”

Jaebeom is shocked to see his friend raising his voice, looking clearly angry, fisting the table and looking threatening.

“If he did something wrong, he should be begging for your forgiveness, trying to fix things. It’s like he doesn’t care if you two broke up!”

“We… we didn’t break up,” Jaebeom mutters, weakly. His head is distracted with the possibility that Jinyoung maybe doesn’t care, that’s why he so easily left Jaebeom alone when he asked for it.

That hurts. That hurts very deeply, thinking he was the only one falling in love.

“I’m gonna beat him up so he’s really sorry!” Jackson threatens, and that works to snap Jaebeom out of that painful train of thoughts.

“No!” He bursts out. “Don’t touch him.” His mouth moves faster than his mind, sounding defensive and worried, which makes Jackson raise an eyebrow at him.

“You clearly still care a lot about him. I don’t know what he was hiding, but shouldn’t you be trying to resolve it instead of pretending it didn’t happen?”

“Were you testing me?” Jaebeom asks, surprised that his friend’s anger vanished so fast.

“Maybe,” Jackson shrugs. “The point is, talking about it is trying to fix it, and healthier than bottling things up. I don’t want you to end up in the hospital in shock and with burnt hands again,” he continues. Jackson grabs a leaf himself, making a generous wrap as he speaks. “Forgiveness is possible when there’s regret and love. Forgiving is a good thing and if you still care about him, maybe it’s something you have to do. Just saying,” he finishes, holding the wrap in front of Jaebeom’s mouth.

The older is surprised with Jackson, the kind smile and encouraging eyes, so he smiles himself before opening his mouth to receive the food.

Jaebeom continues thinking about it, about forgiving Jinyoung, but it’s hard not to blame him for almost killing his mother. It didn’t happen, but she’s still partly paralysed, they still struggle every day. She is working hard, getting better, but she wouldn’t need to do any of that had it not been for Jinyoung that night.

How can he forgive him when he sees his mother struggling to move? To do the simple things in life like going to the bathroom or cooking herself a meal?

“Eomma,” he asks her when he’s massaging her legs that same night. “Do you ever think of the other person in the accident? The boy that caused the driver to hit you?”

“Of course I do,” she says and Jaebeom’s guts twist, not knowing what to expect.“Such a young boy, in such a horrendous accident. I asked about him. He’s still in a coma, the poor child. All alone when he’s even younger than you.”

“You asked about him?”

“Of course,” she continues. “I can’t remember the accident, but I asked what happened and if someone else had been hurt. I went to see the boy, feeling so bad for him.”

“But he caused the accident!” Jaebeom raises his voice. “Nothing of this would’ve happened if he hadn’t been there.”

“Who knows? Maybe something else would’ve happened. If I was destined to get in an accident, it would’ve happened any other way.”

“But he’s the one to blame!” Jaebeom insists, getting riled up even if he doesn’t know why.

His mother smiles, sympathetic and comforting, which doesn’t make sense to him. Why isn’t she resentful like he is? Why isn’t she frustrated like he is? She’s the one who’s suffering the most.

“Is he?” She asks, grabbing one of his hands. “Isn’t he much of a victim as any of us?”

“No! He was irresponsible and he—”

“It was an accident,” she cuts him in his rant. “He didn’t mean to cause any of this, he didn’t want to hurt anyone and he’s the one who’s still in a coma. For what I heard, he received the worst part and they almost lost him many times. It’s a miracle he survived the surgeries.”

Jaebeom can barely breathe when he thinks of that. For the first time he really sees Jinyoung as the boy being hit by the car, flying in the air. The young boy he fell in love with, in that horrific accident. And as he imagines that, Jinyoung bleeding on the floor, _dying_ , he feels about to cry, needing to scream in horror.

“It was an accident, there’s no one to blame,” his mother speaks. “Don’t hold any resentment towards someone who didn’t mean this, someone who’s still suffering.”

Jaebeom cannot hold his tears any longer, they start falling because he’s ashamed of himself and impressed his mother can be so forgiving, so understanding. She really didn’t deserve what happened to her, and it’s still so hard to let go of the resentment he’s been harbouring since the accident.

But to that now he adds the overwhelming anguish that comes from realising it wasn't just his mother in the accident, it was also Jinyoung. Someone else that he deeply cares about almost died there.

Apprehension is suffocating, he’s worried Jinyoung is gone, that he lost him. There’s this desperate urge to see him, to make sure the younger is still somewhat alive, that he didn’t lose him in that accident.

“My boy,” his mother speak. “It’s no one’s fault, that’s how life is. Don’t blame a boy who’s still fighting between life and death. Forgive him and let go of that grudge in your heart, it’s only hurting you.”

Jaebeom cries more, because she’s right. It’s hurting him so much, trying to hate Jinyoung, blaming him for what happened to his mother. That hurts him so deep as picturing Jinyoung’s face in the accident, as thinking Jinyoung might actually let himself die and he won’t be able to see him again.

Jaebeom thinks of never seeing Jinyoung again and he cries more.

Jaebeom thinks of finding out Jinyoung died and he breaks, needing his mother to hold him as he cries.

Jaebeom thinks he might never feel Jinyoung in his arms again, the warmth, the sense of comfort and the soothing understanding, and he cannot breathe.

“It’s okay, just let it go,” his mother comforts him, patting his back as he cries, overcome with his fears and his own guilt.

Jaebeom lets go of some of the resentment, some of the anger but in its place comes fear, so much fear.

What if it’s too late? What if Jinyoung is gone? Will Jaebeom be able to deal with the guilt of being the one who pushed the younger away?

He can only hope it’s not too late.


	34. horror

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNINGS: this chapter in particular contains descriptions and allusions to suicide attempt.
> 
> I got busy yesterday, sorry. And sorry for this chapter too.

Jaebeom sleeps with his mother that night, just because he needs that comfort. It works well as his father doesn’t come that night, staying working in his office, which isn’t a weird occurrence.He spends the next day in a very absentminded state, scared but not brave enough to go look for Jinyoung, still needing some time to let go of the resentment and stop blaming him for what happened. It’s harder to blame it on life—fate or whatever—than to blame it on someone else. Life doesn’t have a face to look in the eyes when saying: ‘it was you.’

What pushes Jaebeom is going into his dark room to develop pictures. He’s avoided doing that for so long, knowing Jinyoung was the focus of many of the film pictures he’s snapped. Now, as he gets everything set, he is scared of what the result might come.

He is nervous the whole time as he develops the film, watching the images slowly come alive as he soaks the paper in chemicals. He feels heartbroken when the images show up, but in none Jinyoung is present. Jaebeom still hangs them and looks at them intently, trying to find even a little bit of the younger man, but he fails.

In some pictures there’s a little something, a disruption in the lighting, like refraction, and he thinks that’s Jinyoung, that’s the little thing he could capture in a picture.

It is only a little bit comforting.

Jaebeom spends hours in the dark room, even after he’s developed almost every picture. He just stares at the pictures, remembering when he snapped them, reminiscing the moments with Jinyoung, allowing the nostalgia to soak him.

Jaebeom misses Jinyoung, that’s for certain,

That night, when he goes to bed, Jinyoung is all that’s in his mind so he makes the decision to go to the hospital the next day, to make sure the younger man is still there, still somewhat alive. In a coma is better than dead.

However, falling asleep to get to the next day proves to be harder than Jaebeom anticipated, and that night his father is home so he cannot go to this mother for comfort; instead, he lies in bed being consumed for all sort of thoughts. He starts to imagine what he’d do if when he goes there they tell him Jinyoung passed away. The situation shocks him so much he ends up shaking his head and forcing himself to think of something else, but his mind always comes back to Jinyoung.

Always to Jinyoung.

It’s an ungodly hour and he hasn’t slept a minute, so he’s exhausted. Yet, Jaebeom manages to leave his bed and drags himself to the bathroom. He’s only planning to relieve himself and then try to go back to bed, he never expects to find a gory scene from a nightmare when he walks in.

To his horror, the bathroom is being used. Sprawled on the floor there’s Jinyoung, gasping for air, his blood slowly covering on the tiles under his body. He’s pale, exhausted, looking too close to the older version of Jinyoung Jaebeom’s got to know.

The older lets out a choked scream, not too loud but filled with terror. He launches himself forward, tripping and falling to the floor, crawling to Jinyoung. The younger’s blood touches Jaebeom, soaking his own pyjamas bottoms, warm against his skin that now is cold with dread. His hands desperately reach out to get a hold of Jinyoung, his heart beating in his ears with panic, deafening him. He can see Jinyoung muttering something, but he cannot hear it over his heartbeat.

“Jinyoungie! Jinyoungie!” He cries out, pulling Jinyoung towards him, shaking hard.

Horrified, he grabs the younger’s arms, finding that’s where the blood is coming from and seeing the long slits from elbow to wrist, not across but along, with the clear intention to kill. Jaebeom cannot breathe, he shakes even more as he wraps his hands around the younger’s forearms, as if like that he could stop the blood oozing from them.

“Jinyoungie, what did you do?” He breaks out, desperate to bring the younger closer, still shaking and choked up, crying in paralysing fear.

Jinyoung is dying in his arms!

“Hyung…” Jinyoung speaks. “It’s okay… I won’t die this time, it didn’t work out,” he continues, curling against Jaebeom, sighing deeply as if that was all he needed.

“Jinyoungie,” Jaebeom cries, hugging the younger so tight, still terrified.

“I won’t die… I’m not dying,” the younger insists. “This is just a memory…”

Jaebeom tries to listen over the sound of his fear, over mindless screams in his head that just cry for help. He does his best to listen and understand, to remember the reality of Jinyoung.

A memory… right. Jinyoung is in a coma, this is just a memory, of a time he tried to kill himself and it didn’t work out.

Regardless, Jaebeom holds Jinyoung even tighter, not letting go of his forearms, burying his face in Jinyoung’s raven hair, breathing in and out, rocking the two of them slowly. He cannot speak, the thought that this was Jinyoung at some point chokes him, that he really open up his veins trying to die hurts Jaebeom so deep as if the same blades had been buried in his heart.

He feels like he’s also bleeding out in that bathroom floor.

“Why… why…” he cannot even utter the words to ask Jinyoung why he did it.

“I didn’t want you to see me like this… this version of me,” the younger whispers, sounding so weak, at the verge of leaving and it makes Jaebeom feel cold to the bone. “I was scared this would happen.”

“Why?” It’s all the older can mutter.

“I… I just wanted to see you… so much…” Jinyoung sounds so weak it makes Jaebeom’s heart hurt even more, so he holds the younger closer, tighter, crushing. “I’ve been… coming out in every way I’ve tried to kill myself lately.” Jinyoung laughs, humourlessly, pained. It makes Jaebeom want to scream in agony. “I’m being punished for what I did to you, aren’t I?”

“No, Jinyoungie… no,” he tries to say but he’s so overwhelmed he can’t manage to make any intelligible statement, anything to help Jinyoung. He is just there, feeling as the boy grows weaker, closer to die.

It’s the most horrifying thing to ever happen to him, having Jinyoung dying in his arms… even if it’s just a memory.

“I’m sorry, Hyung,” Jinyoung whispers slowly. “I want to… do what you… want but…I know you don’t… want to see me but…” Jinyoung starts to tremble and Jaebeom freaks out, he doesn’t know what else to do.

“No, no, Jinyoungie, no. Don’t…” he doesn’t know what he’s asking for, at this point he’s just stuttering incoherent sentences.

“I know I don’t… deserve forgiveness but… I miss you,” Jinyoung’s voice breaks, whether is out of grief of pain, Jaebeom doesn’t know. Is Jinyoung suffering like when it actually happen? Does the memories come with the pain of then?

“Jinyoungie…” Jaebeom cries. “Please…”

What? He still doesn’t know, he just know he wants Jinyoung to be all right, to not die in his arms, to be alive.

“I’ll do what you want… I won’t come to you again… I swear… but tonight, please… don’t let go of me,” Jinyoung begs, breaking Jaebeom’s heart all over again.

“I won’t,” he promises.

Jaebeom releases one of the arms, his hand now covered in scarlet red blood cups Jinyoung face, making him face him. The younger is crying so he kisses the corner of his eyes, wiping those tears even if his own fall over the younger’s skin. He pulls back again and presses a kiss on Jinyoung’s forehead, lingering there as he keeps holding the younger on his lap, against himself.

“You’ll be fine, you don’t die this time,” he speaks, not so much to comfort Jinyoung but to reassure himself. “You make it out of this.”

“It hurts… it burns…” Jinyoung mutters, a confirmation of a fear in Jaebeom’s mind. “I’m cold.”

Jaebeom cannot pull him closer, doesn’t know what else to do, how to help Jinyoung. He rubs his blood covered thumb over Jinyoung’s cheek, his hand trembling as he paints those beautiful factions he adores in painful death. He leans forward, his lips, as shivering as the rest of his body, land against Jinyoung’s, a soft pressure that’s as warm as the younger’s blood. The older increases the pressure as his own tears keep falling, as both tremble in fear and pain.

“Adeul?” Someone calls.

Jaebeom pulls back immediately, looking back over his shoulders to find his mother, watching him with worry in her eyes. His heart stops for a second and he turns back to look at Jinyoung, but he’s gone and everything about him as well. The blood, the warmth… everything.

Jinyoung is gone.

The void in his chest when Jaebeom realises that is so vast he feels lost and out of place, like he’s not there but floating somewhere else, in an empty blackness. He’s cold again, feeling stripped of something too precious, too important.

“What happened? I heard you scream,” his mother asks and Jaebeom cannot look at her, he only stares at his hands, completely clean as if he had never touched Jinyoung’s blood, as if he didn’t hold him, trying to stop him from drying in his arms.

“Nightmare,” he mumbles. “It was just a nightmare.”

“Oh dear,” his mother sighs, and Jaebeom can hear her coming. He wants to tell her to stay away, he feels too raw to let anyone touch him, but he’s too weak to let the words out. “It’s okay, the nightmare is over,” she adds, stopping by his side, her hand on his head as she pulls him against her legs, doing her best to give him a comforting hug while he’s on the floor.

Is it over? He asks himself. Is the nightmare really over? Jinyoung is really dying in a hospital room, Jinyoung really tried to kill himself before. He might lose Jinyoung any moment and now he starts to think how inept he is, how incapable to help Jinyoung.

He begins to cry again, the tears just sliding one after the other as he mourns for a loss that hasn’t happened, but that’s so threateningly close. He mourns for a Jinyoung that was alone when he was bleeding out. A Jinyoung who didn’t want to live, a Jinyoung who didn’t have anything to hold on.

 _You make me want to stay_ , Jaebeom remembers when Jinyoung said that, he remembers the younger saying many times how Jaebeom had become everything to him. Now, because Jaebeom pushed him away in his own hurt, Jinyoung is all alone again.

He told the younger to wake up as a punishment but he has no trust that’s something Jinyoung will do, or even if he is capable of doing.

Jaebeom is once again, terrified.


	35. loneliness

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was busy yesterday with work and I didn't make it home till past midnight so the chapter is a bit late. Sorry.

Jaebeom doesn’t sleep after that, his mind is tormented with the sight of Jinyoung dying in his arms. He’s restless even when his mother stays by his side, lulling him to sleep, but it proves fruitless. When the sun comes out and light sneaks through the curtains, Jaebeom leaves his bed. His mother is asleep and he moves carefully not to awake her.

There is no way the young man can put any food in his mouth, so he leaves his home after washing and getting dressed. He spends longer than usual in the shower, rubbing his hands as if like that he could get rid of the blood, but there’s nothing in them. The memory of that atrocious scene and the reality mix together, Jaebeom is too tired and sleep deprived to distinguish between reality and nightmares anymore.

The ride to the hospital is long and confusing, Jaebeom moves in a state of lethargy and fear, almost expecting Jinyoung to show up in some other horrifying close-to-death state in front of him. He isn’t sure if he can take that, even if it’s just a memory and he knows Jinyoung doesn’t die _then_ , it’s still too much.

During the night while his mother played with his hair to soothe him, he kept thinking of the shocking reality that Jinyoung tried to kill himself, not just that time he witnessed but plenty others. He tried to understand why, how bad Jinyoung could’ve felt to decide to take his own life. How miserable? How lonely?

It breaks his heart as much as he cannot understand.

The poor young man is so lost in his thoughts that he obviously misses his stop and then has to walk two stations to the hospital instead of just taking the train the other way around again. He hasn’t slept in over thirty-six hours, Jaebeom clearly isn’t in his right mind.

Remembering the nurse’s words when he asked about Jinyoung, Jaebeom heads to the eighth floor and to the room he was pointed to before. It’s a shared one with other four patients, which is already very uncomfortable.

Jaebeom hesitates in front of the door, knowing Jinyoung should be at the other side, not sure if he’s ready for whatever waits for him. His hand is shaking when he grabs the handle and he stops another few seconds to take deep breaths, summoning all the courage to slide that door open.

The moment he finally manages to open the door he’s greeted with four sets of beds, all being occupied. There are curtain between them for privacy. Jaebeom scans the surroundings, a nurse is distributing breakfasts and looks at him with a raised eyebrow, recognising him, so he bows his head in greeting.

To his right there’s an elderly woman already eating her breakfast. The curtain to her right is pulled and keeps the other patient hidden from Jaebeom’s examination. To his left there’s a young girl, probably twelve or so, with her mother (probably) helping her to eat as she has a cast on her right arm. At her left, there’s a young boy receiving his breakfast, a high schooler, probably around fifteen, looking rough after a beat up. A young woman, probably early twenties is by his side, scolding him when he complains about being sore, she looks like an older sister.

“Did you come to see someone? It’s too early for visits, though, Jaebeom-ssi,” Nurse Go replies, she often helped his mother when she was in coma, so he remembers her. “Hows your mother doing, by the way?”

“She’s doing well,” he answers politely. “There’ll still be some degree of paralysis, but the therapy doctors say she’s doing wonderful.”

“That’s a blessing,” Nurse Go smiles. “So whom are you here for?”

“Uh…” Jaebeom hesitates, taking a look at the bed to his right, the one closer to the windows. “P-Park Jinyoung.”

The nurse’s expression immediately softens as she looks behind her, to the bed Jaebeom assumed had to be occupied with the younger man.

“Are you friends? I didn’t think he had any friends, though,” she comments. “Nobody comes to see him, only every other day his mother, but she never stays too long. It’s heartbreaking how lonely he must be.”

Jaebeom cannot believe no one comes to see Jinyoung. When his mother was in a coma he had to be dragged out of the hospital, meanwhile Jinyoung’s family has abandoned him. The thought leaves bitter taste in Jaebeom’s mouth.

“I haven’t seen anyone come to see that boy in the week I’ve been here,” the elder woman says, her eyes as sympathetic as the nurse’s. “Such a young boy and so alone.”

“It’s okay, you can come closer,” Nurse Go reassures him. “You’re his first visit in days, I won’t force you to wait half hour to come.”

Jaebeom nods his head and takes a deep breath, stepping forward and towards the farther right bed. As he gets closer, he can see the patient on the bed, just lying there. He can also hear now the constant beeping that was always present in his mother’s room. A few more steps and Jaebeom can see Jinyoung on his beed, eyes closed, connected to a few machines, specifically the one that keeps him breathing.

His own heart stops when he gets a clear view of Jinyoung in that bed… in coma. It’s the same boy he’s got to know, but completely unresponsive, deep asleep and far way from him even if he’s at an arm-length distance.

“Jinyoungie…” he whispers, warring the flashback of the younger man covered in blood in his bathroom the night before.

Jaebeom takes another step closer, and another until he’s by Jinyoung’s side, watching his still and peaceful expression.

“Jinyoungie,” he calls again but there’s no response, the younger’s face is blank and there’s not even a twitch or anything, nothing picks up in the machines to even give him the illusion Jinyoung heard him. “Jinyoungie, please. I’m here…”

Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

Jaebeom dares to grab the younger’s hand, hoping desperately that’ll get a reaction from Jinyoung, but nothing happens no matter how tight he grips the hand, all he can feel Jinyoung slightly lower temperature.

Jaebeom doesn’t realise he’s crying until Nurse Go comes to his side, offering a handkerchief.

“It must be so hard for you to see him like this. Were you two close?” She asks as he accepts the piece of fabric, squeezing it in his other hand instead of wiping his tears.

“We were…” he answers, thinking of how fast they got so close. “Is he… is he going to wake up? What’s wrong?”

“He’s physically healthy. In all this months he recovered and aside form muscle weakening he won’t have to deal with too much trauma after the accident.” The nurse explains. “He was severely damaged and he almost didn’t make it, but everything is fine now although we’ll know for certain if there are other problems when he wakes up.”

“What is keeping him from waking up?” Jaebeom asks and watches the nurse shrug.

“He’s done healing from his injuries. I guess now it’s just a matter of will, isn’t it?” Nurse Go smiles kindly and pats his shoulder. “I’m sure he’ll wake up soon.”

 _When is it soon?_ Jaebeom wants to ask but decides to stay quiet. There’s no way to know when that’ll happen. Jinyoung’s been in coma longer than his mother already, who knows how much longer.

A horrid thought crosses his mind as he remembers the pressure he felt to give up on his mother when she was in Jinyoung’s same situation. If the younger’s family barely visit him, will they be easily persuaded to disconnect Jinyoung?

Jaebeom cannot breathe when he thinks of that, his hands clenching Jinyoung’s even tighter.

“It’ll be okay,” the nurse reassures him but Jinyoung can barely hear her, his eyes fixed on the unresponsive Jinyoung in bed. He’s right there, but there’s no certainty the younger will ever wake up or if he’ll be given the chance to do so.

Feeling overwhelmed by the possibility that Jinyoung might never wake up, he leaves the room and heads to the rooftop without thinking. Whether it’s his heart or muscle memory that takes him there, he doesn’t care, he just runs the last bit to the rooftop, storming out of the doors and immediately being slapped with the cold winter wind at such height. Taking a deep breath Jaebeom screams:

“JINYOUNG!” His throat hurts after screaming, but he doesn’t stop and shouts the name again. “Wherever you are, we need to talk. Now.”

But now isn’t something that matters for Jinyoung, and apparently shouting his name isn’t the way to call him. Jaebeom has to remember he doesn’t have any power to call Jinyoung, it was always in the younger’s hands and it seems he doesn’t want to show up now.

Jaebeom tries to calm down, but his hands are shaking and he realises he’s still squeezing the handkerchief Nurse Go gave him. He makes a mental note to return it later, but for the time being, he stays there, in the freezing rooftop, just waiting.

He approaches the rail as that seems like a normal thing to do, his hands around the iron bar as his eyes scan the horizon. It’s not past nine in the morning and the city is buzzing with life, as usual. The cars and busses going their way, he cannot hear the people talking but imagines it as he sees the small dots on the streets, moving quickly.

As he watches everything from up high, a sense of detachment fills him and with it comes loneliness.

“It’s a lot less lonely here with Jinyoung,” he mutters to himself, heaving a tired sigh.

In that cold and lonely place, he starts to feel the exhaustion of the lack of sleep and all the emotions he’s been dealing with for the past few days. It’s so hard to deal with everything, being a better person and just figuring out what to do next. Jinyoung is taking all his energy and for a second he thinks it’s too much, he doesn’t even know if he can deal with all this any minute longer. He wants to close his eyes and have his easy and normal life back.

When did things get so complicated for him?

“Why am I even here?” He questions, feeling lost, finding hard to remember what drove him there, too many thoughts and feelings in his head making it all blurry and confusing.

“Hyung…” he hears and he immediately recognises the voice, remembering that he’s there because of Jinyoung. He needs to see him being all right, even if it’s just as a memory of his past. He needs to talk to him and get a response to feel at ease, just so his head can stop spinning and he can actually think and try to figure things out.

“Jinyoung,” he sighs, closing his eyes and feeling deflated, just so exhausted. The lack of proper sleep and calm has finally caught up with him.

“I’m here,” someone answers and Jaebeom’s head snaps, realising he didn’t hear Jinyoung’s voice in his head, the younger is actually there.

Jaebeom turns and his heart leaps when he sees Jinyoung there, looking uncomfortable but all right. He’s not bleeding, he’s not dying, he looks slightly younger than the boy in coma, but he’s blinking and awkwardly smiling, avoiding Jaebeom’s eyes and wrapping his arms around his slim frame.

Pushing all his emotions to the back, the older says only one thing: “We need to talk.”


	36. reasons

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think by now I should definitely change the update day to Monday, it's when I actually have time. anyhow, enjoy.

Jinyoung immediately tenses but to his credit, he does not step back. The younger man takes a deep breath, squaring his shoulders and meeting Jaebeom’s eyes. The older, after gathering all the courage to say that, is now blank. He just watches Jinyoung but cannot find the words to start the important conversation. There’s so much he wants to know, so much he needs to understand and he doesn’t know where to start.

“I… I went to see you, I mean… in your room, here at the hospital,” Jaebeom starts, although he isn’t sure where he’s going with that. “It was a relief seeing you alive… somewhat.”

“For now,” Jinyoung shrugs. “Why did you go? I cannot hear you there or anything, I’m not really there, you know.”

“I know… but I needed to know that you weren’t gone forever. You, showing up like that was scary, you know that?”

“I’m sorry,” Jinyoung looks down, looking really sorry. “I didn’t do it on purpose to scare you or anything, I just… needed you. I know you don’t want to see me but I couldn’t help it.”

“When… when did you do that?” At first Jinyoung doesn’t understand what Jaebeom means and his brow furrows in confusion. It takes him a few more seconds to realise, his expressions shows the understanding and his features harden.

“Three or four years ago, I’m not really sure. I was doing really badly,” the younger replies, rubbing his hands over his forearms.

“Why did you do it?” Jaebeom asks, realising he needs to understand that part of Jinyoung. Being just fascinated with death isn’t enough for him anymore, and he needs to know what’s pushing the younger to attempt suicide… multiple times.

“Why does someone try to kill themselves?”

Jaebeom doesn’t appreciate the sass the other boy is giving him, his own expression becomes cold stone and he gives an unamused glare to the younger. Jinyoung has the decency to look away, biting his lips in regret.

“I wanted to die, I wanted to end everything. I failed, clearly. But I wanted it so bad.”

Jinyoung’s voice is deep and broken, raspy as if it was hard to get the words out of his mouth. Jaebeom can see how the younger buries his fingers in his arms, clenching maybe too tight. His own heart aches as much as his mind cannot understand the reason behind that desire.

Like an insensitive fool, he asks: “Why?”

Jinyoung heaves an exhausted sigh, his shoulders sinking as if he was carrying the weight of Earth on them.

“I don’t have a good reason,” the younger laughs, but it’s so void of humour. It’s dry and ironic, and it’s tainted with deep sadness.

“I still want to know, even if it’s the dumbest reason,” Jaebeom pushes. “I need to know, Jinyoung. I feel like I don’t understand a single thing about you, like I don’t know you at all.”

“You know me!” The younger cries out. “Better than anyone…” he adds in a whisper, his eyes trembling with emotions.

“Then tell me, I want to understand you better.”

“Why?” It’s the turn of Jinyoung to demand for reasons.

“Because I need to, to move on, to leave this behind… I need to understand.”

His words seem to hurt Jinyoung, his expression is broken and hopeless, he looks at Jaebeom as something he knows he’s lost and cannot get back, something he misses so dearly already. It makes Jaebeom uncomfortable and miserable at the same time, for he hates seeing Jinyoung looking so sorrowful.

“I just… feel void, all the time. And you know what’s worse? I have no reason to feel like this. My parents are married and they love each other. We don’t have financial problems so we live comfortably even if we’re not rich or anything. We are all healthy. I have a very comfortable situation, my home isn’t broken, I’m not bullied or anything. I have none of the problems other people face… but I feel empty. There’s nothing I want, nothing I crave. I feel like I’m here just wasting space and resources. I don’t… want to be alive, I have nothing to give and I’m just taking. And I feel like an ungrateful bastard for feeling like this when I have so many blessings. My sister, for instance! She is happy, she does something she loves and is good at, she has dreams but I have nothing. All I want is to… cease to exist.”

Jaebeom takes a step forward, his heart aching for the boy in front of him. Jinyoung looks completely lost, angry with himself for the way he feels, frustrated.

“I wish I… could have a reason. Like… my parents are abusive or I’m bullied but no, everything is perfectly ordinary. I’m just… weird. I’m the problem, so if I’m not here, there’s no problem, right?”

He wants to comfort the younger, pull him in a hug at least, but Jinyoung looks at the edge and Jaebeom fears any movement could set him off, so he stays where he is, watching the other boy with an aching heart. He wishes there was something he could do to help him, give him a reason but he has no power to do so.

Jaebeom’s not closer to fully understand Jinyoung and why he acts the way he does, but he feels incredibly sorry for younger and he can understand how frustrated he must be, just having himself to blame for the way he feels.

“Have you… gone to the doctor? Therapist?” He feels embarrassed for even asking that, and the way Jinyoung rolls his eyes doesn’t help.

“Of course,” the younger replies. My family forced me after the first suicide attempt. I jumped to the river, got a bad cold, a twisted ankle and some bruised ribs.” He gives Jaebeom a pointed look. “It’s not a good way to kill yourself, chances are you’ll survive or be rescued first.”

“What did the doctor say?” Jaebeom asks to keep Jinyoung focused on that instead of how inefficient is trying to die by jumping into the Han.

“I’m depressed,” Jinyoung shrugs. “They prescribed medication and I couldn’t bother to take it, so I din’t get better or anything. As I kept attempting suicide, and showing no commitment to get better, my parents gave up on me. Assumed it was just a call for attention and they wouldn’t give in to my dramatic and immature methods.”

Jaebeom doesn’t miss the venom and resentment in those words, the hurt in the younger’s eyes.

“Is that why they don’t come to see you?”

“I guess,” Jinyoung shrugs again. “I didn’t expect them to worry about me like you did for your mother. I bet they think I haven’t woken up because I’m being dramatic and I’ll come back when I’m tired of being an attention whore.”

“Were you trying to kill yourself when you got in the accident?” He asks although he remembers Jinyoung said that wasn’t the case, and he can see how the younger’s head snaps, his expression offended.

“No!” He snaps. “I told you. I just had a fight with noona that night and I couldn’t bear to stay home so I left. I just needed some air. I didn’t mean to get in the accident and do that to your mother!”

“Okay,” the older breathes out. He knows it, his mother told him he cannot blame Jinyoung, but he just… needed to make sure, that it was just an accident and Jinyoung didn’t want to die that night. “I just wanted to know what got you there that night.”

Jinyoung stares at him as if waiting for something else, another horrid accusation.

“I really didn’t mean that to happen. I want to die, just me, but I don’t want to harm anyone else in the way. I… I’m sorry about what I caused, I should’ve been more careful, I should’ve paid attention instead of being immersed in my own little world, I should’ve…” Jinyoung’s voice breaks and Jaebeom can see the immense regret, the sorrow the younger feels and how that is choking him. It hurts him seeing Jinyoung hurting. “I’m so sorry, hyung. I really didn’t mean it.”

“I know…” Jaebeom agrees, sighing deeply. Jinyoung’s eyes widens in surprise, his body leans forward as if wanting to get closer to the older but stopping himself. “It was an accident.”

It’s like Jinyoung deflates, he looks so relieved and about to start crying, his eyes well with unleashed tears and Jaebeom is surprised that statement could have such an impact on the younger.

“Why aren’t you waking up?” Instead of dealing with forgiveness, he decides to ask something else that’s as important. He gives a pointed look at Jinyoung, willing him to answer as honestly as possible.

“I don’t know, it’s not like I have the ability to do. If I get closer to my body I just… suffer.”

“Do you want to wake up?” The older asks next, trying to corner Jinyoung to be completely honest.

“I… I don’t know.”

“Then why haven’t you left yet? If you wanted to die so much before… why are you still here?”

Jinyoung doesn’t answer, he just stares at Jaebeom with an intensity that makes his hairs stand up, his heart leap and his whole body to tense. The younger is saying something with his eyes that Jaebeom isn’t sure he’s fully understanding.

“I wonder why…” mutters Jinyoung, never breaking the eye contact.

Jaebeom feels in that moment that Jinyoung is telling him he is the reason, that the younger hasn’t given up because of him. He feels pressured and at the same time… happy. The part of him that still loves Jinyoung rejoices in the possibility that the younger feels the same way, but the part that is scared of how complicated everything is cries to be careful, to not get swayed.

“Would you miss me if I don’t wake up? If I’m gone forever?” Jinyoung asks, taking a step closer and making Jaebeom tense.

The words are stuck in Jaebeom’s throat, too caught up in Jinyoung’s intense stare, in the way he takes another step closer. He can’t look away but he cannot answer either, because saying that yes, he’d miss him so damn much, he already misses him, is like saying he forgives him for hiding the truth, for everything that’s happened. It’d mean he leaves behind the accident, the resentment, the pain and is ready to move on. However, Jaebeom doesn’t feel ready to make such statement in just a few seconds,he needs more time to process to make such commitment, so for now he stays quiet.

Jinyoung waits, holding his stare and stopping only when they are a couple of centimetres apart. He can feel the younger’s warmth, he can hear his breathing and it confuses him because he knows the Jinyoung in front of him is not the real one, he’s not alive, this is not really his body. This is something else, something weird and that he can’t ever understand.

“I see…” Jinyoung mutters, apparently giving up on getting an answer from the older and taking his silence as answer. “Bye then, hyung.”

He doesn’t get exactly what’s going on, too distracted with Jinyoung’s proximity and his thoughts, until the younger isn’t there anymore.

And that’s the moment he panics.


	37. fear

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry hit took so long, I've been crazy busy and also wary to let this story end TT.TT I hope you all like this chapter.

“Jinyoung-ah!” Jaebeom screams, eyes wide in shock, head turning from one side to the other looking for the other man but the rooftop is empty. “Park Jinyoung!”

His heart rate picks up as he realises the younger man isn’t around. It wasn’t his intention for things to turn out like this, he was caught up in thought, one moment he was just considering everything which is already so hard when he’s so tired and sleep deprived, and the next second Jinyoung isn’t there anymore.

“Aish, why are you so impatient!” He complains, rubbing his hands through his hair in frustration. “Couldn’t you give me a little bit more time?”

Exhausted to no end but defeated, Jaebeom pushes himself to walk away from the rooftop although he has no clear aim of where he’s going, he’s just moving, his thoughts consumed by Park Jinyoung. Although he knows he still has deep and strong feelings for Jinyoung, it’s not in Jaebeom to just blindly follow his heart and choose without thinking of repercussions. He isn’t a romanticist like Jackson who would choose Mark over everything. Jaebeom has to think carefully before making a decision and romantic love is something he’s never experienced before, something that never had much importance to him. It’s the first time he’s actually had real feelings for someone so he’s inexperienced. It doesn’t help that the situation he’s in is so impossible and confusing, with their lives so tangled it seems destiny.

 _You might be fated or something worthy of a drama_ , Jaebeom remembers Jackson saying, and the many other times he teased him about being fated to Jinyoung and whatnot. Now that he thinks about it he cannot help snort in the middle of the street, looking like a weirdo.

Well, it seems Jackson was right because their lives are so tangled and twisted, from the accident to Jaebeom being the only one who can see Jinyoung, and how it seems Jinyoung is only real when he’s around the older. Doesn’t it seem like they are actually fated?

It’s both a funny and overwhelming thought.

 _Couldn’t we have met some other way if we were fated?_ Jaebeom thinks, wishing he would’ve met Jinyoung in just a normal setting, slowly fall for each other like Mark and Jackson did, without so much life and death issues.

But as he thinks about that he realises maybe he wouldn’t have given Jinyoung a second glance, he would’ve stayed away from a weirdo like him. It was because Jinyoung keep popping out of nowhere around him, it was because he was vulnerable, alone, and in need of someone who could hold him and put him back together like Jinyoung did that he opened up and unavoidably fell for Jinyoung.

 _Fated_.

And it seems fate is laughing in his face because when Jaebeom realises where his feet have taken him, he’s at one of the bridges that cross the Han River. He laughs, humourlessly and tired because isn’t there where he met Jinyoung?

“Fine, I’ll accept it’s fate but I’ll never tell Jackson,” Jaebeom mumbles to himself, chuckling lightly.

He takes a deep breath and takes a step forward but as soon as he does that he spots a slim frame by the rail. His heart stops as he sees the person trying to climb it, his mind only thinks of Jinyoung and a scream gets stuck in his through, his whole body freezing. As the person succeeds at sitting on the rail he realises a dress flips with the wind and long hair dances around the head of a young girl, slim and fragile to the point it seems the wind will take her away.

As Jaebeom realises it isn’t Jinyoung and just another person his body reacts and he sprints forward just as the girl puts her feet at the other side of the rail, hands still holding her but body leaning forward, ready to jump.

Jaebeom is far away so he runs and screams: “STOP!”

But Seoul is loud even, especially during the day; the buses, the cars, trains and everything else is louder than his voice, muffling his screams and making it all futile. He stills screams as he runs with everything he has, but he doesn’t even get closer when he girl lets go of the rail, her body falling forward and into the dark and seemingly still waters of the Han.

“NO!” Jaebeom screams, immediately looking over the rail to see how the body slams the water in what looks so painful, like falling on concrete. He’s breathing hard and his head spinning, his whole body shaking as he grabs the rail, watching how the water wraps around the body and swallows it completely. “No…” he breathes out, shaking more violently as he realises he just saw someone kill themselves. “No…”

He doesn’t realise how tears well up in his eyes until he cannot see anymore, everything is blurry and his heart is aching, seeing Jinyoung doing the same. He hurts so much at the idea of being too late, Jinyoung disappearing like the girl in the water. The thought barely crosses his mind and he starts crying, his body collapsing and he doesn’t know what he’s doing anymore.

He hears sirens blasting and from the spaces between the rail he can see a boat approaching at full speed to where the girl jumped. Soon someone dives from the boat and while Jaebeom cries, hopelessly and uselessly, the girl is rescued. He cannot hear what they are saying, but he can see the divergiving the girl CPR with the expertise of someone who does that all the time, and like that the young female finally reacts. Someone else offers a blanket and the diver covers the girl in it, keeping her sitting and rubbing his hands on her arms. Jaebeom sees everything from the distance, realising they saved the girl and he didn’t do anything to help.

Nothing at all.

As the boat navigates away, probably to shore where they’ll take the girl to the hospital, Jaebeom is consumed by a sense of hopelessness and fear. He can only think of Jinyoung and the possibility of losing him forever. Just like he couldn’t get to the girl in time, he didn’t answer Jinyoung when he was waiting for that one answer that would push him to fight to wake up, to stay. If Jaebeom had been a bit faster, a bit braver what would have Jinyoung done? Is Jaebeom too late?

_Would you miss me if I don’t wake up? If I’m gone forever?_

A hiccup escapes Jaebeom’s lips as more tears fall from his eyes, he grips the bars of the rail as if clinging to life… to Jinyoung.

“So much, I’d miss you so much,” he answers, too late, when Jinyoung isn’t around, after he was swallowed by nothingness just like the girl was engulfed by the waters of the river bellow. “Don’t leave,” he whines, breaking down crying even more.

Time slips away as Jaebeom runs out of tears, as the cold starts to bite him and he feels pain. It’s physical pain that overpowers the ache in his heart what awakes him from the slumber he’s in. He blinks away the remaining tears and realises how the day’s light is gone and sunset is almost over. He’s spent almost all day just crying by the river. He’s cold and so tired he can barely lift his own body. He needs the support from the rail to actually stand up and hold himself in place. He also needs a few more seconds to breathe in and out, putting his thoughts in orders.

As tired as he is, he’s scared he’ll be too late. He needs to answer Jinyoung, to tell him he’s ready to leave everything behind and hold on to him. He needs to tell him clearly he doesn’t blame the younger for the accident, he understands it wasn’t his intention. Jaebeom needs to tell him he’d miss him too much and for no reason he can leave him.

Jaebeom needs to tell Jinyoung to wake up… to please wake up for him.

Slowly, dragging one feet after the other, he goes back from where he came, only one thought in his head: finding Jinyoung.

It’s dark and late when Jaebeom is back at the hospital, he’s shivering because he’s cold and he can barely keep his eyes open, exhaustion trying to take him away. But he pushes himself, only stopping by one of the vending machines to get a warm can of hot chocolate just because it’s the same type he once bought for Jinyoung one night. He wraps his hands around it, letting the warmth give him a bit of life before he opens it and takes a sip. It’s the only food he’s had in the whole day and his stomach growls louder than ever. Just because of that he gets something else, a snack he doesn’t even pay attention to, and another can of hot chocolate he’s determined to give to Jinyoung, so he keeps it in his pocket.

While he eats the piece of chocolate he bought, he heads to the lifts and waits until one comes to the ground level to get in and head to the thirteenth floor. The warm can in his hand is giving him a bit of life and more determination.

 _We are fated, he’ll be there,_ Jaebeom repeats in his head like a mantra, trying to convince himself that it’s not too late and Jinyoung is still somewhere around. He’s scared but he’s more hopeful, even if he’s forcing himself to be like that. They’ve already gone through so much, can’t they have a break? If Fate is playing with them, then Fate needs to be kind and give them the chance to talk properly.

The stairs to the rooftop are impossible for an exhausted Jaebeom and he doesn’t even understand how they do it when patients come in helicopters going down those same stairs, but at the same time he cannot care enough to actually think how it happens. He only cares to make it to the rooftop and hopefully find Jinyoung there.

Jaebeom pushes the door and is once again in the biting cold wind of a winter night in Seoul. The can in his hand is empty but the one in his pocket is still radiating warmth and he holds onto that point to walk forward.

He looks around trying to find someone else and his knees almost give out in relief when he sees someone sitting on the ground, hugging his legs with his face hidden between his knees. Jaebeom knows it’s Jinyoung, his heart recognises him first. The jet black hair, the slim frame and the melancholy that surrounds the younger. He smiles tiredly, shoving his right hand in the pocket of his long coat, wrapping his fingers around the warm can as he takes a step forward.

Jinyoung doesn’t even react when Jaebeom is by his side, not until he calls the younger’s name: “Jinyoungie.”

The younger’s head snaps, his eyes wide in shock to see Jaebeom there, smiling at him.

“Why are you here again?” Jinyoung accuses, his voice on edge and Jaebeom realises the other man looks incredibly sad and miserable, his eyes are bloodshot and dark with sorrow. It looks like Jinyoung has also been crying and he feels so incredibly guilty to think, maybe, it’s because of him.

“I brought you this,” Jaebeom says, taking the can out of his pocket and handing it out to Jinyoung.

“I don’t drink or eat, I’m not alive,” the younger replies bitterly but Jaebeom doesn’t give up. He crouches down in front of Jinyoung and takes his hand to put the can in the younger’s hand.

“You’re still alive, even if it’s in a coma,” Jaebeom refutes, smiling kindly. “Don’t say you’re not alive.”

“I might die for real soon, it’s not like it matters,” Jinyoung huffs, looking away and biting his lips together in a fine white line.

Jaebeom’s heart breaks a bit more at that hopeless tone, at the resignation in Jinyoung’s voice and the sadness in his eyes.

“It matters,” Jaebeom says softly. “It matters to me.”

Jinyoung’s slowly turns to meet his eyes again, his eyes expectant and scared, Jaebeom can see that clearly.

“I came to give you the answer for the question you asked before. I’m sorry it took me a while, you impatient fool,” Jaebeom laughs at the offended expression Jinyoung gives him. It works to distract the younger as he wraps both of his hands around Jinyoung’s and the hot chocolate can. “I’d miss you so much if you disappear, so much I can’t even fathom the idea, so please, don’t you dare to give up and wake up, okay?”


	38. confession

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay… truth be told, I don't want this story to end so I avoid writing it and posting it.  
> On the bright side I have great news for those actually like this story. 
> 
> Acrophilia is HAVING A SEQUEL! 
> 
> After thinking about it I realised the story actually needs it and a little spoiler: it's going to be from Jinyoung's POV.
> 
> That said, enjoy this fluffy chapter.

Jinyoung blinks and blinks, but no words come out. Jaebeom smiles warningly, squeezing his hands around Jinyoung’s, not breaking the eye contact.

“Do… do you mean it?” The younger asks, his expression tells Jaebeom he really cannot believe what’s happening and the older can understand why it’s hard for him considering everything that’s happened recently and how Jaebeom has treated him.

“I wouldn’t say it if I don’t mean it,” Jaebeom smiles. “And I would really appreciate if you actually wake up and I can stop fearing I might lose you one day.”

“You might still lose me if I wake up, accidents happen and you know, life. And also there’s all—”

Jaebeom starts shaking his head as Jinyoung speaks, brushing off the meaning in his words andhow he gets carried away in something that doesn’t matter at the moment.

“No, you know I don’t mean that.” Jinyoung presses his lips and curves in a way that looks like a cat from an anime, both incredible cute and surprisingly endearing. It’s the most adorable pout Jaebeom has ever seen and as he watches the other man a wave of affection strikes him so hard he feels like he’ll lose his balance. “Would you wake up soon so I can take you on a date?”

“It’s not like I— wait, what did you say?” The younger’s eyes are so wide when he realises what Jaebeom said, his lips parted in a small O.

Jaebeom didn’t even think of saying that, it just escaped him as he was overwhelmed by his feelings for the younger, speaking out loud what he had been harbouring in his heart for so long. Something he hadn’t even thought much about it but now he realises how much he wants it.

Embarrassed, the older tries to keep his cool and not look as unbecoming as he knows he does with his cheeks all red and hands sweating a bit. Love confession wasn’t in his plans, not when he isn’t even sure how Jinyoung feels about him, but he’ll have to roll with it.

“I mean… if you’re okay with that, I’d like to take you on a date… when you wake up. You know, a normal date? Have delicious food that you can actually eat?” Jaebeom feels like he’s just rambling and he feels his face is burning, his whole body feeling hot even in such a cold day.

“Date as in… romantic date?” Jaebeom can barely keep the eye contact at that point, feeling so awkward and uncomfortable. His body wants to run away and save him from the embarrassment of exposing his feelings, but he fights that urge.

“Y-yes, if that’s okay with you. I think at this point is very evident how I feel about you,” Jaebeom tries to explain, doing his best to look as composed as he can. Jinyoung looks at him with wide eyes that seem to glow. “I like you… a lot… as more than a friend.”

Jinyoung doesn’t reply in words, but it’s almost not necessary because his whole face lights up and he looks blindingly happy, happier than Jaebeom has ever seen him. His smile is wide, open, making his eyes so tiny with the crinkles at the corners that just look like cat whiskers. His own heart races as he sees how overwhelmingly happy Jinyoung looks in that moment, bringing his other hand to cover his mouth, maybe trying to contain his contagious smile.

He looks unbearable beautiful in Jaebeom’s eyes.

“That was a lame and awkward confession, was it not?” He teases himself, just to hear Jinyoung’s laughter, the crinkles by his eyes getting deeper as the rich sound not only fills his ears but also his racing heart.

“You’re as smooth as a cactus, hyung,” Jinyoung mocks him and Jaebeom truly tries to look offended, but he can’t when Jinyoung looks so joyful in front of him.

“At least I tried, I don’t see you saying anything about it,” a bit of vulnerability leaks in his voice, showing his anxiousness because even if it looks like his awkward confession made Jinyoung happy, the younger hasn’t given him an answer.

“I would like that… a lot,” Jinyoung’s smile becomes shy, just as his cheeks get painted in embarrassing rosy.

“Then wake up, soon if you can.”

And that blinding sight of happy Jinyoung disappears; concern, fear and anxiety bring shadows to his handsome features as he looks down, breaking the eye contact.

“I don’t… I don’t know if I can. I don’t know how,” the younger whispers and Jaebeom feels that fear in his heart again.

“Still… can you try? For me?” His own voice is light like a whisper, his anxiety making it waver a bit.

“I…”

“Please?” Jaebeom interrupts, pleading. Jinyoung looks up, meeting his eyes and the older can see how scared the other boy is.

“I’ll… I’ll try,” promises Jinyoung, and that’s enough for Jaebeom, it’s enough to make him feel relieved. Jinyoung’s will to live is the hardest thing to achieve and getting him to agree to even try means a lot to him.

Relieved as he is, Jaebeom leans forward, kneeling and finding space between Jinyoung’s legs to get closer, moving slowly to give Jinyoung time to realise what he’s doing and move in sync so the older can hug him tight, his face buried in the younger’s neck, breathing slowly as his arms wrap tightly around the other’s slim frame. Jinyoung hugs him back and it’s so confusing. Jaebeom can feel the other man in his arms, his warmth and it just feels real to him… which makes him wonder if it’ll feel different hugging Jinyoung when he’s awake and well.

Jaebeom pulls back, just enough to meet Jinyoung’s eyes from very up close. The younger still looks vulnerable but he smiles up to Jaebeom.

“I’ll be waiting by your side,” he promises, cupping Jinyoung’s face in his hand ever so softly. “You just try your best and wake up soon.”

Jinyoung nods but he does not utter any words, and Jaebeom can guess why because the younger looks choked up with emotions, eyes dancing with joy and fear, hope and dread. He can see those feelings so clearly and knowing Jinyoung as he does now, he can totally understand why he’d feel like that.

Trying to reassure him even more, Jaebeom leans forward until his lips touch Jinyoung’s forehead. Closing his own eyes he kisses the younger reverently while his thumb softly caresses Jinyoung’s cheek.

“I’ll be here, I won’t go anywhere.”

He can feel Jinyoung’s gratitude and acceptance in the way he wraps his arms tighter around Jaebeom, almost clinging to him. There isn’t much else he can do to help Jinyoung, no way to push him to wake up. All he can do is promise he’ll be waiting and just stay by the younger’s side, no matter what. Even if it hurts seeing him in coma, even if it triggers him… he’ll do it for Jinyoung.

And Jaebeom sticks to his promise, going to see Jinyoung at the hospital in his room when he’s done with uni, sitting by his bedside. It hurts him seeing the younger in the bed, as unresponsive as his mother was not long ago. But he takes a deep breath and talks, telling him what he did that day and how he’s still struggling with his final project. He talks and talks even if other people are in the room.

The nurses are surprised to see him there, next to Jinyoung. He doesn’t explain much what their relationship is and lets people assume whatever they please, he’s there only to make the younger company and hopefully be there when he wakes up.

Jaebeom stays by Jinyoung’s side till he’s told visiting hours are over and he needs to go home. But he doesn’t, instead he goes to the rooftop hoping to see Jinyoung in his other form. He calls for the younger and waits, but no one shows up. As the night sky becomes blacker and Jaebeom gets colder, he accepts Jinyoung is not showing up.

Jinyoung doesn’t show up the next day, nor the day after.

Jaebeom only sees him in that bed, seemingly sound asleep, so still he almost looks dead. Jaebeom takes comfort in the warmth he can still feel when he grabs Jinyoung’s hand as he talks to him, either about something that happened that day, or a worry of his.

He tells Jinyoung about his friends, how Jackson teases him now for having made-up and spending all his free time with his (in Jackson’s words) soon-to-be-boyfriend and forgetting all about his loyal childhood friend. He chuckles as he tells the story of Jackson and how dramatic he was being, just trying to get Jaebeom to reassure him he was his best friend and would always be. He feels dejected because Jinyoung doesn’t laugh with him, doesn’t say anything about how Jackson sounds like a mix between a child and a golden retriever. He ends ups saying:

“Wake up soon. I can’t wait to introduce you to Jackson and Mark. I’m sure you’ll become friends instantly.”

Jinyoung doesn’t wake up that day, nor the day after.

But Jaebeom doesn’t give up and continues waiting, telling him about his struggle with his final project and how he wants to do something that’s meaningful, something that tells what’s in his heart. He considers doing it about his mother, but he realises he should’ve taken pictures from before, it won’t portray as he wants if he just starts taking pictures now.

“I took so many photos of you that I thought you could even be the topic of my final project… but you’re not in the pictures,” Jaebeom laments to an unresponsive Jinyoung, knowing that if he were awake he’d tease him for being obsessed and sounding like a stalker. “They are all pictures where you should’ve been.” He heaves a deep sighed, sad and tired. “Wake up soon so I can actually take pictures of you.”

But Jinyoung doesn’t wake up, he doesn’t show up at the rooftop and Jaebeom wonders where his soul is. He panics as he thinks maybe asking him to try was wrong and made him disappear forever. He is scared that Jinyoung might not wake up and he won’t be able to see him at all, ever.

With every passing day, he becomes more anxious, more scared he pushed Jinyoung to do something he should’t have, but he doesn’t give up and continues waiting. His mother woke up, Jinyoung can do it too. He purposely doesn’t think of how it was thanks to Jinyoung that his mother woke up and how the younger doesn’t have anyone else pushing him, wherever he is.Jaebeom clings to hope, that’s all he has left. He waits, visiting Jinyoung every day, only staying away when the younger’s mother comes for a quick visit.

He’s only seen the woman once when she was talking to the doctor when she was leaving. She looked so much like Jinyoung, same raven hair and fair complexion, slim and elegant frame. She looked tired as she spoke with the doctor and Jaebeom was too scared eavesdrop what they were saying. Later he realises he should’ve listened because what if she decided to give up on Jinyoung?

Jaebeom’s terrified so he talks to the nurses and makes them promise they’ll tell him if Jinyoung’s family decides to do anything drastic. Confused, they agree, probably taking pity of the anxious boy who can’t bear losing anyone.

And he waits, for days, weeks. More than a month goes by without seeing Jinyoung anywhere else but that hospital bed, the sadness in his heart is catching up with his hope, almost drowning it.

“How much more are you going to keep me waiting?” He asks Jinyoung one day, holding his hand and watching his face so closely. “Jinyoungie, please, just wake up.”

Jaebeom sighs, feeling tired. He’s not doing anything but waiting, yet he feels drained. He tries to pull himself together, taking deep breathes as he rest his head on the bed, his face against the covers, his hands squeezing Jinyoung’s ever so tightly… until he feels a slight pressure back.

His head snaps, his whole body tensing as he sits straight and just looks at Jinyoung’s face, waiting, holding his breath. He almost screams when he sees Jinyoung’s eyelids fluttering, his eyes moving under them.

Jaebeom is going to have a heart attack.

“Jinyoungie…” he whispers, choked and about to start crying.

In that moment Jinyoung opens his eyes, barely, slowly, blinking and closing them again so fast. He shuts them tight as if the light hurt them and Jaebeom feels his own eyes filling with tears as he squeezes Jinyoung’s hand even tighter.

Jinyoung tries opening his eyes again and Jaebeom is smiling like a fool, his heart racing in his ribcage. As the younger opens his eyes and succeeds at keeping them like that, he scans his surroundings but almost immediately he notices the man next to him, locking eyes with Jaebeom.

Happiness, excitement, relief… any of those emotions is what Jaebeom expect to see, but his heart breaks when all he sees is confusion and disappointment, so much disappointment.

“Jinyoungie,” he breathes out, voice broken with fear.

All what the younger does is looking away, looking defeated and miserable as he sighs and a single tear falls from his eyes. That’s the moment Jaebeom lets go of his hand as his own heart breaks in a million pieces with realisation.

The Jinyoung that just opened his eyes doesn’t know him.


	39. agony

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry! I got promoted at work so I had to do extra training and a bunch of things so I haven’t had much free time. I wrote his a few days ago but I didn’t have time to post it till now, and I’m actually waiting before I go do Spanish tutoring so I’m doing this on my phone. Sorry if there are too many typos.

 

With shaky hands, Jaebeom reaches for the button that will call a nurse in the room. His sight is blurry and he’s doing his best not to cry, but his eyes are fixed on Jinyoung and the younger is crying. He looks hopeless and just so disappointed. Jaebeom imagines the other man looks like that because he’s awake and that wasn’t what he wanted. That’s never been what he wanted, or at least it wasn’t before the accident, things changed after that.

In his chest his heart is aching, so much it is actually hard to breathe, but at no point does he take his eyes off of Jinyoung. Foolishly, he never thought about the possibility of Jinyoung not recognising him, his biggest worry was losing Jinyoung, not keeping his memories of their time together.

What a fool.

A nurse comes in and even without turning to look at her he can imagine her surprise when she sees Jinyoung is awake, Jaebeom hears her intake of air and how she stops on her tracks.

“He’s finally awake!” The nurse cries out, immediately running to take everything out of Jinyoung’s face so he can breathe on his own. “I’ll call the doctor immediately,” she announces, promptly turning on her heels and walking out of the room again, faster this time.

Jaebeom only nods his head, not knowing if he should stay in the room. Part of him still holds on dearly to the hope perhaps Jinyoung still recognises him.

“Jinyoungie…” he whispers and the younger boy turns to look at him. At least he does recognise his own name, Jaebeom thinks.

When they meet eyes, Jinyoung’s expression doesn’t change much, he looks as clueless as he did before, brow furrowed in confusion.

“Who…” he breathes out, choked and hoarse, coughing a few times. Jaebeom immediately grabs a glass of water, trying to help Jinyoung but the younger man recoils when Jaebeom gets closer, as if he was scared. “Who…are… you?”

His heart hits the floor one more time at the confirmation that Jinyoung doesn’t recognise him; it hurts so much as if something was torn open in his chest and now he’s bleeding out, right in that hospital room with all the other patients as witnesses.

Those features Jaebeom got so used to, the ones he learned to read and the ones he loves so dearly only show wariness and extreme confusion. The dark brown eyes flick from side to side, exploring their surroundings and avoiding Jaebeom.

“Just passing by…” Jaebeom whispers, stepping back and needing space, needing air because it hurts so much he’s drowning in his own sorrow.

In that moment and as a small blessing, the doctor and nurses come in. Jaebeom steps back slowly, disappearing unnoticed and Jinyoung doesn’t even spare him once glance.

Heartbroken and resigned, Jaebeom leaves Jinyoung to the professionals and walks way in a trance. He lets his feet to lead him anywhere, he’s not paying attention, he doesn’t care. He cannot rejoice in the miracle that Jinyoung woke up, the pain due to the younger not recognising him is far too greater, far more powerful, far more intoxicating.

All those months, all those memories and important moments… they don’t exist anywhere but Jaebeom’s mind. The love he’s so sure of now is definitely not requited.

He’s the only one in love.

Jaebeom walks into the lift, down to the lobby and out of the hospital building. Into the streets and the symphony of the busy city of Seoul becomes a distant noise that doesn’t even register in his ears. Everything is just a buzz for him and he doesn’t even pay attention. He crosses streets in red lights and is lucky not to get run over. He walks absentmindedly, completely surrendered to his pain.

Jaebeom walks for minutes, hours or maybe days. It doesn’t register with him, it doesn’t matter.All he can see is Jinyoung’s dark eyes not recognising him, the tight line of his lips in rejection, the furrow of his brow in confession.

Somewhere in Seoul, Jaebeom trips on his own feet, landing hard on the concrete. The ball of his hands get scraped and some parts immediately start bleeding, scarlet red pains his cold pale hands and he can only stare at the as if they didn’t belong to them. At least he doesn’t feel the burning from the wounds.

“It can’t compare,” he muses in a mumble, referring to the pain of falling compared to the pain of, in a way, still losing Jinyoung.

Jaebeom balls his fists tightly, his nails buried in the fresh wounds, drawing more blood that now slides down his wrists, into his sleeves. He also closes his eyes and tries to take deep breaths, but when he opens them again he notices he’s on a bridge, one of the many that cross the Han River. The realisation hits him so hard it knocks the air out of his lungs.

That’s the moment Jaebeom loses it.

Still on his knees, he just starts crying. Out loud, bawling his eyes out, crying out in agony for the boy he lost, for the love he cannot have back, for that future he was planning with Jinyoung. He cries so hard his body shakes and he’s lost all strength, incapable of standing up, he’s just kneeling by the rail, crying miserably. People walk by, but as it always happens in Seoul, they only take pictures or videos of the miserable man instead of offering to help. The agony of others is their comfort, Jaebeom thinks bitterly, wishing he could find some comfort but all he feels is pain, burning paralysing pain.

Jaebeom cries until he’s got no more tears, until his body is so still he could be asleep. His eyes are open but they can see anything. He’s not really there or anywhere else, lost somewhere far, far away. It is not up to him to leave his spot but the police officers that come to his side and drag him to his feet. Jaebeom cannot hear what they say, he doesn’t care to listen… until one words make it through the haze of his mind.

“—hospital—”

And Jaebeom panics, immediately pulling away from the officers, trying to break free as he repeats: “no, I won’t go to the hospital… I can’t see him when he doesn’t see me.”

Unsurprisingly, the officers grab him again, tighter and try to calm him down, but Jaebeom is in shock. The pain, the cold and the helplessness he’s feeling all add up to make him like that.

“Just take me home…” he begs, looking at one of the officers with teary eyes, pleading.

“Where do you live?” One of the officers asks and without even having to think, Jaebeom gives him his address in Seocho, where his mother should be, waiting for him.

The officers seem to agree that it’s better to take him home instead of the hospital or the police station, which is the most merciful thing they could’ve done for the heartbroken boy.

Kindly, the officers take Jaebeom to his door, probably to make sure the boy didn’t lie and that they are leaving him in a responsible adult’s hands.

The in-home nurse his father hired to take care of Jaebeom’s mother opens the door and obviously recognises Jaebeom, gasping in surprise and immediately making him come in, apologising to the police officers for troubling them and thanking them for bringing Jaebeom in. Kindly, she invites them inside to give them something to eat and drink, but they refuse saying they are on patrol and shouldn’t get too sidetracked.

“Young master, are you okay?” She asks, carefully guiding Jaebeom into the living room and making him sit.

Normally, Jaebeom would tell the lady not to call him that, he’s never liked it even if it’s the norm. He’s too tired to even complain about that.

“Ahjumma, where is eomma?” He asks instead, sounding as miserable as he feels.

“I’ll bring her here,” she answers, walking away immediately as Jaebeom sinks in the sofa.

A few minutes later, Ahjumma arrives with his mother who slowly sits by his side, her hand on Jaebeom’s leg, trying to get his attention.

“Adeul, what happened to you?” She asks, concern dripping in her voice.

“I fell in love with someone who doesn’t even know me,” Jaebeom breathes out, his voice shaking as if he were to cry again, even when there are no tears left to cry. “And I don’t know what to do with the hole in my heart.”

“Oh my precious boy,” his mother laments, immediately pulling him to her side. Jaebeom falls as if gravity was too strong, his head ends up on his mother lap and she is comfortingly stroking his hair. “You’re heartbroken.”

“I… I truly love him,” Jaebeom sighs, closing his eyes. “I didn’t even know how strongly I fell for him.”

In no moment his mother stops caressing him, and if she’s surprised because he’s admitted to love another boy, she doesn’t show it at all.

If Jaebeom has realised something that day it is how much he loves Jinyoung. The pain he feels is directly proportional to the love he feels for Jinyoung. Quite late he realises the strength of his feelings, when there’s no point in telling the recipient of his affection when he doesn’t know him or even care about Jaebeom.

“You said he doesn’t know you. How did you fell in love then?”

“He forgot all about me,” Jaebeom clarifies. “It’s like he doesn’t know me anymore.”

“Did he really do that or is that what he said? Did you have a fight? Did you confess? Do you know why he’s acting like that?”

Unhelpfully, his mind supplies for even more piercing answers.

Maybe he never loved you and he couldn’t bear with your affection so his mind forgot you to cope with everything, leaving you out.

Jaebeom clenches his chest when he thinks like that, feeling like he’s being stabbed a thousand times.

Maybe even if he felt something for you it wasn’t strong enough to overcome his desire to die, and thats why he doesn’t remember you, because he wants to die more than he wants to be with you.

Jaebeom clings to his mother legs, squeezing the fabric of her skirt in his bloody fists, shaking.

“Ah, adeul,” she laments. “You’re too precious to be hurting like this. You deserve to be loved, I’m sure you’ll find someone who does, even if it’s not the one you want right now.”

It doesn’t comfort Jaebeom, not in the slightest but he doesn’t say anything; instead, he buries his face in his mother lap and lets her comfort him by just stroking his hair, with her presence. If he’s lucky and life is merciful, he’ll fall asleep and escape the agony for a few hours.

Hopefully


	40. perhaps

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been incredibly busy but I got a cold, so I spent a day in bed and decided it was time to finish this. I'll try harder to use my spare free time to do something productive like writing instead of being consumed by my own self-destructive thoughts.  
> Enjoy the chapter!

     It’s hard, immensely hard. To fall asleep, to actually sleep, to wake up the next day, to even have breakfast is difficult. A part of Jaebeom knows he’s being way overdramatic, but the biggest part of him, the one that’s heartbroken, doesn’t listen to reason and just feels devastated. And as a heartbroken boy, he can’t think clearly. He’s mostly emotions and no logic at all. Whenever he even considers to figure out what to do, all he can see is the way Jinyoung looked at him and he’s lost again in his angst.

His mother probably sees how depressed he is and decides that Jaebeom needs help, people that can pick him up and get his mind out of his own suffering.

That’s how Mark and Jackson come into Jaebeom’s room when he’s given up on breakfast and decide to just lay in bed, begging for dreamless sleep.

The door to his room opens with a loud bang and an even louder claim: “I’ve come to deliver hugs!”

“And I’ve come to deliver fried chicken,” adds another voice.

Without having to open his eyes, Jaebeom knows it’s Jackson and Mark respectively. It’s not only evident in their voices, it’s in how worried yet ready to do anything to help that Jackson sounds, or how soft and sympathetic Mark’s tone is.

“Eomma said you’re sad and if you’re sad I’m obliged to give you extra love as your oldest and closest friend,” Jackson says, without waiting for a greeting or a word from Jaebeom, just quickly walking to the older’s bed to lie with him, immediately cuddling him. “I gotcha, hyung.”

Jaebeom is touched and surprisingly, extremely comforted with the tight hug and the warmth from Jackson’s body.

“I bought your favourite chicken. I know you aren’t hungry but this is the absolutely best and we can’t let it go cold, can we?” Mark tries to persuade him, hoping to get a reaction from Jaebeom. He can feel the way his mattress sinks where the oldest of them all sits, just as he feels that bony hand on his calf. “You gotta eat something, Jaebeomie.”

“Do you want me to feed you?” Jackson asks and he sounds incredibly serious, which surprisingly, manages to get a chuckle from Jaebeom.

Slowly, the young man moves, escaping Jackson’s strong arms and properly facing his friends that are there for him only. He can finally properly greet them, meeting their concerned eyes and their comforting smiles. He does his best to smile back, but it’s broken and tired. Still, Jaebeom reaches for a drumstick, taking a deep breath and hoping the smell will awaken something inside him, something to make him feel more alive. However, the only thing that awakens is his stomach, grumbling immediately and letting him know he’s actually hungry, even if he’s so sad.

Mark smiles like a doting mother when Jaebeom takes the first bite, clearly glad he took the bait. None of them says anything, they let the young man eat in silence, slowly but surely. Only after three drumsticks Jackson dares to say something.

“Feeling any better?”

“I guess,” Jaebeom replies vaguely. “Did eomma really call you?”

“Yes,” Mark replies. “She’s worried and she also said you might need someone who takes you out to distract you. She’s sad she can’t do much.”

Jaebeom feels bad about that. His mother comforted him all night and obviously she must be so worried, frustrated that her mobility is limited and even her speech is still slow and clumsy at times. He feels bad for worrying her.

“Do you want to talk about it or do you want us to help you not think about it?” Mark asks and Jaebeom has to think about it. As much as he’s hurting, he knows he needs distraction, some detachment so he can think instead of just drowning in his own pity party.

“Let’s go somewhere,” he requests and without hesitation, his friends are on their feet, ready to go.

Jackson grabs the rest of the chicken, stealing one piece and then speaking with his mouth full. “We might get hungry on the way.”

Jaebeom chuckles, taking another drumstick himself and following his friends outside his own room. His mother seems happy to see him going out with his friends, or at least somewhat relieved. He tries to smile, just to reassure her, but he knows it must look as void as he feels. He still tries, though.

The first option is going for food, but just the chicken is enough for Jaebeom. Mark and Jackson realise it was a bad idea. Jackson comes with a better idea, something that will make Jaebeom busy with something else unless he want to get hit in the face; he proposes screen baseball. It’s a known fact Jaebeom isn’t very good at sports in general.

“He sucks so much that he has to really concentrate to hit the ball, it’s perfect!” Jackson explains, overly excited and so proud of himself.

“Wow, thank you for that compliment,” Jaebeom intervenes, sarcastically. “I don’t suck, I’m just not great.”

“You suck. Big time,” Mark adds, totally not helping. “It’s a great idea.”

“You both are horrible friends,” Jaebeom mumbles as Jackson wraps his arm around his shoulders and just drags him towards the closest baseball screen room. He obviously doesn’t mean that, Jaebeom is actually incredible grateful his friends are acting just normally and even teasing him, it certainly helps him to feel more comfortable and distracted.

With gritted teeth, Jaebeom has to accept he sucks at baseball, even screen baseball. He barely hits one ball out of five, even if he really concentrates, he just can’t get the right timing or angle. He grows frustrated and his competitive spirit kicks in, getting him so into the moment he forgets everything else, only the incoming ball exists in that moment.

Yet he still fails.

Jackson and Mark laugh so hard, no compassion for the young man inside the swinging room, and Jaebeom is offended, and also fired up.

“If you think you’re so good go ahead!” He spits, throwing his bat and walking out of the room angrily as Jackson walks in, all cockily.

“Watch the former athlete kick your ass with no effort whatsoever,” Jackson brags, and Jaebeom is infuriated when the younger actually hits the ball. Jackson’s hyena laughter and mocking dance don’t help at all to be a better loser.

“Just luck!” Jaebeom fights but Jackson keeps dancing, ignoring the next ball that is shot and almost hits him in the nape. “Serves you right!”

“I won’t let you distract me anymore! I’m gonna win and you’ll have to buy me meat every day for a month!”

“I never agreed to that,” Jaebeom complaints.

“It’s a implicit agreement when you walk in. You can’t get out of it. Now watch me!”

Jackson really doesn’t listen to whatever Jaebeom has to say and just continues hitting the balls, one after the other while Mark chuckles joyfully next to him, amused at the sore loser that Jaebeom is. The younger isn’t the best, he still misses some balls or barely hits them, but he is, with no doubt, better than Jaebeom and he has to accept his defeat. However, when it’s Mark’s turn, the two younger sit outside being completely humiliated because Mark hits every ball almost perfectly, getting not only one but three home runs and the only thing he does is smiling back at them with a peace sign.

The cute bastard.

Mark comes out of the room with a wide grin while Jackson and Jaebeom just stare at him with mouths hanging open.

“When did you learn to play like that? You never play when we come here!” Jackson complains.

“It’s more fun to watch you,” Mark shrugs. “But when you said the winner gets the others to buy him meat for a month I couldn’t resist.”

“Shit,” Jackson and Jaebeom say in unison. “We’re fucked.”

And they are, Mark has a bottomless stomach and he has no restrain when they have to take him for BBQ after their little game. The oldest enjoy his victory and asks for so much meat the server gives him a second look, as if wondering if the super skinny boy is capable of eating so much. Mark gives the served one big dashing smile, so cute and pretty, that the server can only nod his head in a haze and come back with more side dishes than they normally do, which makes Jackson incredibly jealous and ready to fight.

Jaebeom doesn’t realise how amused he is, how relaxed and distracted he is until he’s laughing out loud, choking on his meat at Jackson trying to hide Mark’s face behind a lettuce leaf when the smitten server comes back to ask if they need anything else.

Mark smiles relieved at Jaebeom and that’s the moment he realises his friends have actually taken his mind out of his own worries and heartbreak.

“That’s more like our Jaebeomie,” Mark comments, making a wrap he offers to him. “Are you feeling any better?”

“Surprisingly, yes,” Jaebeom answers. “Thank you.”

“No, thank you. You’re paying for this,” Mark smirks, making Jaebeom chuckle. “I’m sure whatever it is that’s troubling you, you’ll find the answer. We are here to help if you need a second opinion or just someone to listen to you.”

Jaebeom smiles and looks down, knowing their friends are the best and would help him, wouldn’t even judge him, but he doesn’t know how to explain the situation without sounding crazy. How does Jaebeom explain he fell in love with a boy while he was in coma and now that he’s awake, he doesn’t remember Jaebeom at all? He himself doesn’t understand how that is even possible and a part of him still wonders if he really imagined it all.

“It’s… Jinyoung…” Jaebeom mumbles.

“Do I have to kick his ass for real this time?” Jackson immediately asks and Jaebeom cannot help his chuckles.

“No, he doesn’t need another reason to be in the hospital,” Jaebeom replies which gets confused expressions from his friends. “Jinyoung is… severely depressed, I guess. He has attempted suicide many times.” Jaebeom feels a bit guilty for sharing that part of Jinyoung, but as he thinks he knows the younger wouldn’t hide it, he isn’t embarrassed of the things he does or did, he never hid his suicide tendencies or self destructive thoughts.

“Oh…” Mark mumbles. “Are you scared you won’t be enough to help him? That he’ll continue to do that even with you by his side?” He asks next.

“Are you afraid you won’t be able to stop him or deal with all that?” Jackson adds. “It must be so hard and scary for you. But you know that whatever he does, it’ll never be your fault right?”

Jaebeom thinks about that for the first time. He considers for the first time the big weight of Jinyoung’s tendencies, of his strong desire to be dead and one day lose him to his own hands. Jaebeom thinks of running to the hospital on a random night because Jinyoung attempted suicide again, feeling like he failed the younger. Or worse, being the one who finds him bleeding out for real this time.

He gets petrified at the thought.

If Jinyoung could remember him and their time together, would Jaebeom be able to deal with living Jinyoung and all his issues? Would Jaebeom be strong enough to hold Jinyoung even when the younger is desperate to just be gone forever?

For the first time Jaebeom considers that maybe Jinyoung doesn’t remember him because they aren’t mean to be together, because Jaebeom isn’t strong enough, brave enough.

Perhaps… perhaps, Jaebeom should stay away.


	41. resilient

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the final chapter, and I'm so thankful to everyone who read this story, who commented and left kudos. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.  
> I remind you all Acrophilia has a sequel that will continue the story from where this ends, so I'll see you all during [Healing](https://archiveofourown.org/works/16110332/chapters/37632086). I'll be posting the preface for that shortly after this.  
> Once again, thank you!

Mark and Jackson drop Jaebeom by his place, but instead of going home and although it’s too late, he heads to the hospital to see Jinyoung. He needs to see the younger one more time, at least. For his aching heart, for the ease of his mind. 

Jaebeom is torn, he’s scared as much as he misses Jinyoung already, he doesn’t know in which way seeing the other will help him, he just know he needs to see the younger, even if it’s from afar. He makes his way to the hospital slowly, going over his head his options.

He could approach Jinyoung again, as two strangers getting to know each other, as if all they went through didn’t exist. Jaebeom knows that would be hard for him because he remembers everything and going back to the starting point feels way too painful. And even if Jaebeom was capable of that, there’s the issue of Jinyoung’s depression and all of his problems. Whatever progress the younger did, whatever new determination he reached or desire to live he acquired, all that is gone along with his memories. The Jinyoung that is awake now doesn’t want to live, doesn’t have any motivation. The Jinyoung that is awake now is the one that existed before Jaebeom met him.

He could also explain things to Jinyoung, but if he doesn’t remember, the younger will only think Jaebeom is crazy and probably get a restraining order or who knows what other dramatic thing Jinyoung is capable of.

Or… or Jaebeom could use this chance to walk away and avoid all the drama, all the complications, all of the problems and just focus on his life, finishing his program, his mother and all what’s on his plate already. If Jinyoung went back in time, so could he, right?

Jaebeom cannot make his mind just yet, not even when he makes it to the hospital and up to the eight floor. He knows he cannot go into the room, and that technically he isn’t allowed there without his mother staying in a room.

Quietly, almost like a ghost himself, Jaebeom walks to Jinyoung’s room, but he doesn’t open the door, he just watches from the small window in there, trying to find the younger. It’s late, most patients are sleeping but Jaebeom can see a light from Jinyoung’s nightstand and as he looks better, he can see the younger sitting on his bed, he holds something in his hands and just watches it, kind of lost. He looks incredibly sad, and it breaks his heart to see Jinyoung like that. He’s about to enter the room when he notices what’s in Jinyoung’s hands: a scarf.

Jaebeom’s scarf.

He freezes, his mind, his body and his heart, all of him stops and all he can see is Jinyoung holding that scarf in his hands. He doesn’t know what to do, but a small voice in his head starts getting loud, louder and louder, telling him to go in, to go to Jinyoung and not give up.

Jaebeom gabs the handle of the door, ready to slide it open.

“Young man!” Someone calls, making Jaebeom stop and turn to his right. “You can’t be here at this time. It’s late, the patients are sleeping. Visiting hours are from ten am.” The nurse is someone he doesn’t know, someone who wouldn’t let it slide and allow him to visit like before. “Please, leave.”

Jaebeom’s hand grips the handle tighter, not wanting to give up, but the nurse looks fierce and like he won’t allow the young man to even slide open that door.

“I—” Jaebeom tries, but the nurse only glares at him, at his hand. He accepts he has to give up for the night. “I’m sorry.”

Reluctantly, he leaves the hospital, but his heart is racing and his mind is buzzing, all he can see is Jinyoung and the scarf. He has no idea how that got to Jinyoung’s bed, but he’s sure that’s one of the ones he gave the younger when he was still in coma.

That’s ought to be a sign.

For now he has to leave Jinyoung but Jaebeom will be there the next morning and he won’t give up on the other man.

But the next morning has something prepared for him he was not expecting, something that gets in his way and he doesn’t know how to deal with. Because when he gets there, Jinyoung isn’t in the room anymore.

“Oh, patient Park Jinyoung was transferred today. They decided he needed more psychiatric help.” A nurse that he knows tells her.

“Where… where did he go?” He asks, his voice trembling.

“I am not allowed to tell you, but even if I did, they don’t allow visitors. I’m sorry,” the nurse says and Jaebeom’s heart sinks.

“Why… how…” he mumbles.

“I’m sorry,” the nurse says sympathetic.

Jaebeom cannot believe his luck, or how things are just unfolding for him. How’s it possible that even when he wants to hold on to Jinyoung, something else gets in the way? How’s it that he cannot reach him when he’s now awake and alive? Jaebeom doesn’t understand the irony of it, he doesn’t appreciate it.

He doesn’t stay to hear the nurse, he cannot handle her pitiful eyes, so he just walks away, confused, lost and hopeless. How is he supposed to find Jinyoung?

Jaebeom walks aimlessly, not really thinking of anything, just feeling resentful and lost, and if he was pulled by something bigger, he ends up at the same bridge he met Jinyoung. Like he always does. Whatever is pulling him there, Jaebeom wants to tell it to stop messing with him.

“It’s not funny,” he whimpers. “I just… want to be with him. Why is it like this?” He asks to the blowing wind, to the deep waters under the bridge. “Why can’t I have him?”

Jaebeom doesn’t cry, there aren’t anymore tears in him, but he feels so empty and confused. He feels stupid for thinking they were fated one day.

“Fated my ass,” he mumbles. “Fate is just laughing in my face.”

And as he thinks like that, he starts getting angry because it’s not fair. He’s gone through a lot already. He’s gone through things he cannot even explain to anyone, doesn’t he deserve some mercy?Doesn’t he deserve to be able to love the person he wants? Why are they taking away what he wants?

“I’m not giving up. Fuck you, fate or whatever!” He says, breathing hard, getting angrier. His hands grab the rail so tight his knuckles go white, yet he feels he should break the concrete. “Fuck you!” He screams, at the tops of his lungs, to the vast horizon. “FUCK YOU!” He screams even louder, leaning over and letting go all of his anger, all of his frustration.

Life might want to take away what is most precious to him. Life tried to take his mother but he didn’t give up, he waited for her even when it was hard, even when he didn’t know if that was the right thing todo. He waited.

And he’ll wait for Jinyoung, too. He’s not giving up on the boy he loves or on his feelings.

Jaebeom leaves that bridge to go home, but he’ll be back. The next day and the day after that, he goes back to the bridge every day. To the exact point where he saw Jinyoung for the first time, always around sunset. He doesn’t give up on himself and his life, he finishes school and his project, he helps his mother, he hangs out with his friends and continues everything like normal, but he never forgets Jinyoung. He goes back to the bridge, always hoping he’ll find him again.

Serendipity. Fate. Happenstance. Whatever it is, he’ll encounter Jinyoung again.

Days go by, weeks, and like that almost two months. Winter has passed by with all its festivities, but Jaebeom hasn’t seen Jinyoung again, he doesn’t know how the younger is doing, if he recovered or if he’s still in some psychiatric ward. He truly hopes that if Jinyoung was taken away from him it was for the best, so the younger is getting help to get better, to find some motivation to live. If they are apart right now, it better be worth it.

Jaebeom’s mother doesn’t ask about the young man her son fell in love with, but she looks at him sometimes as if she’s also waiting, giving Jaebeom time to talk about it or to get over it.

Mark and Jackson don’t ask about Jinyoung either, they stopped after a few weeks when Jaebeom wouldn’t answer.

Jaebeom finished his program and his project, graduating in February with his classmates. His project ended up being about Jinyoung, all those empty pictures where he should’ve been, where Jaebeom wanted the younger to be. His professors said the pictures portrayed such melancholy and they made them feel like they were expecting someone to pop in the frame any minute. Jaebeom managed to portray his longing through his work and he graduated.

And he’s still longing for the boy that should’ve been in his photographies.

“When are you going to show up again, Jinyoungie?” Jaebeom asks to the river every day, with a deep sigh but not letting his spirit and resolve waver. He’ll continue coming, believing that just like before, they’ll meet again. Even if it takes years, he won’t give up.

It’s still a bit cold at the end of February in Seoul, but Jaebeom can feel how the wind isn’t that chilling, how spring is slowly making its way, with warmer temperatures and blooming flowers. He cannot wait for those days, tired of the cold already. For Jaebeom it was the coldest winter of his life and he wants it over, once and for all.

Still, even if it was so cold, or snowing, he came to the bridge every night. That night is no exception, although it’s a bit warmer than the previous days and that’s a relief. Jaebeom walks to the bridge, watching how the sun is setting and painting the city in a warm caramel colour, making it look dreamy and like a picture in sepia. He walks as he drags his hand through the rail, lost in the view that no matter how many times he sees, the sunset from the bridge over the Han River is always breathtaking. He watches it until the colours are gone, until the sun has hidden and the moon can shine bright in the night sky. It’s only after it’s gotten dark that Jaebeom can see more than the horizon.

The young man turns to his left, ready to go when he spots someone else on the bridge, another man standing with his eyes in the horizon, hands and feet on the rail, climbing to be a bit higher but not quite to go over it. Jaebeom tilts his head to watch the other person more closely and as he does, his heart leaps and speeds up as his eyes widen.

There he is, tall and slim, with jet black hair that dances with the wind, pale skin and the most handsome features, dressed in dark clothes that aren’t too warm for February but with a scarf around his neck that flaps at his back. A dark blue scarf that is familiar, especially because Jaebeom can remember when he wrapped that same scarf around Jinyoung’s neck so long ago now.

Jaebeom cannot breathe as he reconises the boy he’s been longing for all this time.

Without thinking, without even noticing what he’s doing, he approaches the boy as he watches him opening his arms wide, welcoming the wind, the cold and the night view. Just like before, Jinyoung is there, looking ethereal and just as breathtaking as the sunset.

Jaebeom could cry in that moment.

“Not thinking of jumping, are you?” He asks when he makes it by the younger’s side, his eyes getting teary but he’s doing his best to hold it all together.

Jinyoung’s hand immediately grab the rail again as he turns to look at Jaebeom. Their eyes meet but there’s no recognition, no warm smile. Jinyoung squints his eyes but doesn’t break the eye contact. At least that tells him this is the living Jinyoung.

“No,” the younger replies, looking cautious. “I was just en—”

“—enjoying the view,” Jaebeom cuts him in. “Some people actually enjoy heights.”

Jinyoung looks shocked and confused, but Jaebeom smiles, as warmly as he can.

“Have I met you before?” Jinyoung asks.

_Yes,_ Jaebeom wants to answer. _We met before and I fell in love with you. And I’ve been waiting for you to come back all this time._ Jaebeom doesn’t care if it’ll be hard, he only knows he wants Jinyoung in his life and he’ll do his best to give Jinyoung the will to live.

“Maybe,” he answers instead, still smiling, so happy Jinyoung is right there and knowing he won’t let him go again. “I’m Im Jaebeom,” he introduces himself, holding up his hand.

Jinyoung watches it and then at him again, locking eyes as he grabs the hand.

“Park Jinyoung,” the younger replies, squeezing the hand. His eyes are dark and there’s seem to be so much going on, so many thoughts crossing his mind, but a small smile tugs at the corner of his lips and that gives Jaebeom so much hope.

“I know,” he smiles, squeezing a bit tighter, stepping a bit closer.

He’s got Jinyoung again, and he’s not letting go of that hand again.

**...the end...**

* * *

 

The story continues on " _[Healing](https://archiveofourown.org/works/16110332/chapters/37632086)_ "

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You can find the sequel [here](https://archiveofourown.org/works/16110332/chapters/37632086)!


End file.
